Archive of Our Own

The first time a flower blooms in Lan Xichen's skin, he's twenty. It's a tiny thing – a pale blue forget-me-not that adorns his right pinky finger. It's so faint that for a few minutes, Lan Xichen is not sure it's there. But it's real, and he beams.

Somewhere, someone is thinking about him. Not only that, but that person is adoring him. For now, it's a small, frail feeling. But with time, if the person nurtures it, it can grow bigger.

Lan's only love once. Lan Xichen hopes for his soulmate to be his only one too.

He's so jubilant that only at the end of his day does he bow his head to thank the Heavens. Soulmates are fickle things – some are connected by love whereas others remain strictly platonic. A few, too many, devolve into hate and madness. He thanks his luck remembering the gashes littering his father's skin the few times he saw him when Lan Xichen’s mother was still alive. Memories of his mother's pleas to sever the soulmate link accompany him while he bows, a strict reminder that the gashes she had were her creation, an attempt to destroy the blooming flowers sprinkled through her skin.

It takes a few days for Lan Xichen to make the connection between the appearance of his flowers and the Cloud Recesses visiting disciples. The small forget-me-not is now accompanied by a full sleeve of them, starting on Lan Xichen’s shoulder and almost going to his wrist. They remain small, but their color is now a deep blue. He finds himself caressing them when he's distracted.

Lan Xichen considers searching for his soulmate – to test the idea that it's one of the visiting disciples. But his heart betrays him. Call him delusional, but he wants to give themselves a chance to find love without the weight of this connection.

He doesn't share this discovery with anyone, not even Nie Mingjue, and swears to himself that he’ll pay equal attention to all disciples. It's not his fault that a certain young master catches his eye. Lan Xichen is so enthralled by the grey eyes and fierce scowl that he doesn't notice. He is so focused on thinking about how Jiang Cheng is such a good role model, and his forms need praise, that he completely misses it. It? The moment when Jiang Cheng notices the small daffodil blooming in his left wrist. He misses his wonder.

Jiang Cheng looks to the faint daffodil first in awe, then with apprehension. Soulmates may sound idyllic, but he has first-row seats to how they can fuck up your life. The flowers bloom when you devote your thoughts to your soulmate – the greater the devotion, the bigger, detailed they are. Some bonds may be platonic, but most people don't romantically approach someone who has flowers blooming on their skin. It's considered sacrilege.

Even if you don't have a relationship with the other person, you're burdened by the bond. The greater the devotion, the longer the flowers last. The only way to make them disappear instantly it's to be touched by the other on the spot with the flower.

And the deep cuts – when people see them, they automatically assume you did something to deserve him. If your soulmate hates you, then what dreadful creature are you? And while they also disappear with your soulmate's touch, will you expect someone who hates to willingly touch your skin and relieve your pain?

Jiang Cheng is aware of all these implications. Most importantly, he knows you cannot run from this bond. Not if you want to maintain a semblance of autonomy. While it is possible to break it, the consequences are usually devastating.

All past registered cases describe how the person who takes the initiative becomes seriously ill, needing health care all the time. So, Jiang Cheng proceeds with caution – the only way for you to be sure that someone is your soulmate is to touch them. He tries to stay away from physical touch while he's staying in cloud recesses – but let's be real, besides Wei Wuxian, he doesn't have to worry about anyone else.

His plan is simple: don't interact with anyone more than needed. That way there will be no reasons to either hate or love him.

It was a great plan, and it was working. Until he found himself helping with the waterborne abyss situation and discovered that even when life is sweet, he always finds himself royally fucked.

While dealing with the problem at hand, Jiang Cheng notices the tiny forget-me-not in Lan Xichen's right pinky finger. It's a small, frail thing and Jiang Cheng wonders how someone can love the older man with so little devotion if that's the only indication.

He does not contemplate the idea of Lan Xichen and himself being bonded until their boat sways with more force than expected and Jiang Cheng loses his balance. Before he can even regain it, pale fingers are grabbing his left wrist – his skin burns, but he disregards it.

The first bachelor of the cultivation world has that effect on everyone. Only later, when Jiang Cheng is preparing to bed, does he notice that his daffodil disappeared. Right where Lan Xichen's fingers pressed, there's now no flower. No sign of devotion anymore.

It should feel sweet, right? The knowledge that your crush – yes, because Jiang Cheng is aware that he's been harboring some feelings for the Lan – is also your soulmate. But how can he feel happy when he's competing with the rest of the world for this man's affection? How can he be enough when he's been spending most of his time thinking about this man, how pure, perfect, and lovely he is, and all of that only sums to a tiny forget-me-not? No, how pitiful is he that the flower he creates reflects his feelings to everyone: don’t forget me. Don’t leave me behind.

Please don’t give up.

Do not forget me.

Jiang Cheng stays away. He doesn't tell anyone he found his soulmate and does not try to approach the man. And sadly, it's easy to keep up with the charade – no more daffodils appear on his skin. That's another of the sad realities of his bond: awareness.

The flowers, their numbers, and their appearance are all indicators of how the other feels about you. You can follow how someone falls in love with you. But you can also observe how they simply don't.

Life goes on.

Lotus Pier is raided by the Wen. Jiang Cheng loses his parents, fellow disciples, and everyone that he knew from his childhood. He sees the slaughter around him, smells the blood-drenched air, and still survives. He still has his brother and sister. And a sect to guide.

Eventually, he also loses his core in an attempt to save the ones that he holds dear.

Jiang Cheng knows himself: he's an heir, not a leader.

Sometimes, you have to spare the heirs to ensure that others may lead. He wants to believe that the Jiang Yunmeng Clan needs Wei Wuxian more than it needs him. The truth is that he simply can't fathom losing anyone else. Even if it costs him his core – his most beloved possession. So, he endures the pain, humiliation, and loss.

It's an act born both from selfishness and love.

The first few days are hard. He does not regret his decision but it's still a loss. Those days are so monochromatic that not even a stray thought is devoted to La Xichen. For the first time in months, the forget-me-nots dotted in Lan Xichen’s right arm fade.

The one in his pinky finger completely disappears. But Lan Xichen doesn't notice it right away – how could he when his house was burned down and he’s spent the last few weeks running away? When he meets Meng Yao, there are a few moments in which he thinks that life is ironic.

There is this kind, wholesome man, giving him is all, and Lan Xichen's heart is already taken by the notion of a soulmate he doesn't even know.

Meanwhile, Jiang Cheng is convinced that miracles do happen and are sometimes bestowed on people like him – dreadful souls. At least is what he wants to believe when Wei Wuxian comes up with a solution for his (absent) core. There's a tingly feeling, a tiny voice whispering that something isn't right. But Jiang Cheng ignores it. He chooses to believe Wei Wuxian and the years they spent side by side. However, when he has a core pulsating inside of him, but no trace of his brothers, he knows.

He knows that he's missing something from this story. There was something he didn’t tell him.

But he must find his brother first. And protect his sister. And resurrect a dying sect. It should amaze everyone how Jiang Cheng can achieve it all. But humans are essentially mean, and most times cannot overlook their preconceived ideas

So instead of admitting that this kid is enacting his sect motto and achieving the impossible, they prefer to focus on his scowl. His harsh manners. How he runs out of patience, how he talks harshly, how physical affection doesn't come naturally to him, how, how, how, how, ho-

Some can see behind this mask. Sect Leader Nie tells him he should feel proud – he's straight to the point, and efficient even when praising. And Jiang Cheng thinks that he may be able to do this. To lead this sect. Even if his second in command doesn't seem to be here. Most importantly – because the heart is this fickle thing – Lan Xichen tells him how he's doing good work. How both he and Lan Wangji should feel relieved to have found Wei Wuxian. And that would be enough for Jiang Cheng.

But a small daffodil appears again on his wrist, and he feels elated. He'll not chase after this feeling, but he cannot stop the happiness from flooding his veins. There's so much suffering in his recent past that he lets himself have this.

It's near the end of the sunshot campaign that Jiang Cheng finally understands what betrayal is.

His relationship with Wei Wuxian is more strained as time passes and he doesn't know what to do. This is one of the rare nights in which he, Wei Wuxian, and Yanli are all at the same camping site and they fall asleep in tents next to each other. He wakes up with screams. When Jiang Cheng reaches Wei Wuxian's tent, the man is trashing around on his mat. Flowers are blooming all over Wei Wuxian's torso, but they seem distorted. And there are gashes too, littered around them.

Jiang Cheng's attention is caught by his hands. How they scratch around the area where a core is supposed to sit. How Wei Wuxian cannot stop with the "It hurts, but don't you dare stop, Wen Qing". He seems to be reliving a memory, and Jiang Cheng is no fool.

It doesn't take long to connect the dots. His brother's sickly air, the refusal to wear Suibian, how he skips his responsibilities. Cold dread fills Jiang Cheng's veins, but he's still gentle when he soothes his brother. When he wakes him up.

When Wei Wuxian regains some of his composure and tries to smile at him, Jiang Cheng asks: "What have you done to your core?" The other man is caught by surprise but tries to deflect.

"What? A-cheng, what are you referring to? You know people say silly things when they sleep”.

"You were screaming, threatening Wen Qing to not stop. Tell me, what did you do with your core?" At that moment, Yanli enters the tent, probably having heard Wei Wuxian scream too.

"Oh, a-jie, you're here!"

"Don't, Wei Wuxian answer me now. What have you done with your core?" There is silence, only broken when Jiang Cheng insists: "Your core – what happened to him? It wasn't the burial mounds, right? Do you think I'm stupid?"

"No, no. I don't", he refuses.

"So, tell me, what have you done with it?"

"a-cheng," his sister tries to intervene but stops when seeing his frustration.

"I'll ask once more: what have you done with your core?"

The reply is swift and resolute:

"I did what I had to do. What I owned to the Jiang sect. What I owned to you."

"Say it properly, c'mon, don't be shy now. Where is your core?" he taunts his brother.

"It's not mine anymore, it belongs to you now," the confession is followed by a soft gasp. Jiang Cheng? He doesn't know how to react; all he feels is overwhelming rage. And sorrow.

He wants to ask his brother how he can dare to say such a thing without even an ounce of regret. But he chooses to ask another question:

"Why?" Sometimes, we want to know the truth to learn from it. Sometimes, we want to know it because we know it will destroy us.

 “How could I not? How could I stand by and do nothing when you were barely living? When you were fading by the day… That core was everything to you," what destroys us is the knowledge that we're surrounded by people who don't know who we are.

 “I couldn't care less about my damned core. I was struggling because I lost almost everything, how could you not see that?! I lost my parents and the opportunity to make them proud. I lost almost everyone I knew, and not even their objects remained to keep as memories. My youth, my sect, to become the leader of a crumbling idea. That I must keep alive! I was not crying myself to sleep because of my core, but because I was, I am hurt. I miss so many things that I cannot even enumerate them. How dare you think I am so vain? How dare you?"

"a-cheng, I th-"

"No, you're going to listen now, because this is the last time we talk like this, as brothers. You said you were paying a bet, and I cannot fault if you were raised to believe you own the Jiang your life.

But I can fault you for thinking you owned me anything. I always treated you as a brother. But apparently, I was nothing more than a bill to settle. And you did. In the most gruesome way. I agreed with recuperating my core, Wei Wuxian. I did not consent to this. I did not consent to be pried open and subjected to any type of medical procedure. I did not consent to receive your core or to what remained from mine to be taken away. You did not have the right to do this. You did not have the right to choose for me. To keep me in the dark,” he breathes deeply. It hurts to admit such a gruesome betrayal.

“This was the purest of betrayals and isn't it ironic how you'll defend it was for my good? Because it wasn't. You may say and think that, but it was to relieve the guilt you feel. To pay a debt. And now I'm the one in debt? No. From this moment on, you're no longer part of the Yunmeng Jiang sect," his voice sounds like steel, unmoving and cold.

"a-cheng, you can-," he interrupts his sister:

"I can and I will. Let's not forget I'm the sect leader, and even if I had the intention of passing this role to anyone else, that person betrayed me. To keep appearances, and because despite your newfound powers, your position is shaky, until the end of this war I'll treat you as my second in command. And I'm no fool, I need you by my side too. Let's consider this the ultimate payment for both of us.”

“As soon as this war ends, you'll either defect or I'll kick you out. But you won't be part of the Jiang sect anymore. Hopefully, this war ends in a way that the Jiang can keep being something. I won't stand in your way regarding Yanli, you can still see her if you want. I won't take your older sister from you."

"But you're also like my baby brot-"

"Isn't that the problem? You felt that responsibility because I was the heir first and not a person, I was never your young brother. I was the person you owned something to. You don't anymore. We're done."

Jiang Cheng leaves the tent without looking back. There's only one thought on his mind – that he has to get clean. That there's something foreign inside him, that he did not agree upon. He feels violated, raw, and vulnerable. But he knows he has a role to fill. A sect to lead.

Jiang Cheng keeps his promise – during the rest of the war, he treats Wei Wuxian the same way he always treated him. It helps that everyone is so overwhelmed with what's going on, that anyone is paying attention. The only person that could have noticed was Lan Wangji

But the man seems to be too busy figuring out what to do about the flowers that litter his skin, to pay attention to Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian's relationship. It also helps that every time there is a dangerous task to execute, Jiang Cheng is there to do it.

The other sect leaders think it's a confession of Jiang Cheng's love for his people. And it is in some part. It's also a way to court death without openly admitting it.

The second daffodil on his skin appears after he volunteers for a particularly dangerous mission. There's a twisted pleasure in knowing that at least his soulmate, Lan Xichen, finds his madness something worthy of paying attention to.

It perhaps should scare him that he must resort to such lengths to have the attention of the older man. But he's no hypocrite. There are nights in which his only salvation is imagining Lan Xichen's body next to his. Most of the time, these fantasies are fueled by the sneak peeks he has of the first Jade moving on the battleground.

For all his poise, the man can be ruthless.

The situation only gets worse when Jiang Cheng gets a glimpse of Lan Xichen's naked arms before a war meeting. The man is in the makeshift infirmary, having some wounds tended when Jiang Cheng strolls inside to get some salve for his whip scar.

It's only a glimpse, but Jiang Cheng sees how his right arm is completely overthrown by dark, almost black forget-me-nots. How they already spread through his shoulders to the other arm. How a particularly purple one sets close to his neck but is still hidden from view.

He quickly diverts his eyes and leaves the tent, afraid Lan Xichen will notice how the flowers keep multiplying, how the existing ones darken after Jiang Cheng looks at him. How can he prevent this? How can he stop his mind from spiraling when all his thoughts are about this man?

Later at night, he'll have new, different fantasies. He'll imagine himself marking the other – replacing the flowers for his touch, his marks. How he would like to paint him purple with more than his thoughts. It's a small reprieve from the sorrow that follows him around.

In rare moments, when the tiredness weighs heavily on his shoulders, Jiang Cheng will even consider that maybe they could have a chance. Maybe if he told the truth to Lan Xichen, the other could learn to love him. But it all crashes down when they win the war.

The fantasies of a future together come to an end when they're dividing the spoils of war and Wei Wuxian announces that he wants the Wen survivors. That he deserved them after everything he has done.

" And where are you going to take them? I'm pretty sure that your sect leader is not very fond of the wen anymore," Jin Guangshan taunts.

"That's not my problem since I'm defecting from the Jiang clan." A clamor of voices spreads around the room, reflecting everyone's confusion.

Jiang Cheng remains quiet. He's been preparing himself for this day. For all his love for Wei Wuxian, he cannot trust the man anymore. While in the past he felt secure in his company, now his mere presence unsettles him. There's a part within afraid of being desecrated again.

"And you're going to defect to where? Do you think we believe you're able to tame these criminals?" someone asks, and Jiang Cheng tries to keep his silence.

"I'll go with Wei Ying," Lan Wangji interjects and everything stills. This is the second jade, after all, he deserves the respect.

"No, Lan Zhan, d-"

"Sect Leader Jiang does not support Wei Ying, but I do."

It's quite clear what Lan Wangji is taunting everyone to do: doubt Wei Wuxian, and you doubt the second Jade too. You’ll go against two of the men that won the war for you.

"Brother, are you sure?" Lan Xichen asks, words heavy with meaning: What are you doing? What are you leaving behind? Why are you doing this? Why are you leaving my side?

"Yes. I'll defect from the Lan clan too to support Wei Ying". To support him as others are failing to do so. To support him as his older sect refuses to do.

You would think that this was enough. That not only losing his second in command, but his most powerful disciple, his brother, in such a public way would be enough. It isn't. Jiang Cheng doesn't say a word the entire time. He neither supports nor protests it.

He's too overwhelmed by what's happening, what he was preparing himself to face since that fateful night. And he was not expecting the pain. He was not expecting how the skin above his left wrist splits and the daffodils wilt.

He was not expecting to feel the several cuts that appeared along his upper arm. Fortunately, they don't bleed. But the pain is merciless, and only worsens when the Sect Leader Lan says: "I wish you well in your endeavors brother, and I hope no one regrets their choices today."

Who would know that despite all these flaws, all the ways he failed, Jiang Cheng's soulmate starts hating him because he's somewhat responsible for Lan Wangji defecting from his sect? Who would have suspected that in trying to regain some control over his life, Jiang Cheng inadvertently pushes away the only man he ever lusted for? Perhaps loved? Isn't life a sick joke?

Do you know what's sicker? It only makes Jiang Cheng admire him more – he would kill to have someone by his side who would hate another person so fiercely because that person was the reason he ran away. Lan Xichen loves his brother, while Jiang Cheng was a debt to pay.

The first few weeks after Wei Wuxian defection there's no silence around Lotus Pier. The few disciples that remain work like bees, building, scrubbing, trying to resurrect their sect. When they pause, they observe. It's a strange sight to see their leader cleaning the floors, walking around what used to be the kitchens, nagging the old aunties about eating well. Their previous leader was a laid-back man who let the sect run itself. This youngling, nothing more than a boy, has bloodshot eyes, and dirt smudges on his face and doesn't stop.

They may fail to resurrect their sect, but if that happens, no one can blame their leader. What the disciples find strange is the change in demeanor as soon as an outsider arrives. When they receive a Lan disciple with an invitation, their leader becomes an emperor.

The Lan disciple stutters when giving him the message and they understand – their master now looks terrifying. They're not sure if it's his eyes or the way he twists his mouth. Perhaps the way Zidian cackles, whispering threats without being able to talk.

They don't know what it is, but they feel safe. They hear the rumors and know about what the other sects say. They're completely aware that the overall opinion is that Jiang Cheng is a cruel man, as only that would explain how Wei Wuxian has deserted him to choose the Wen.

They hear about the demonic cultivators that disappear and how people were prohibited from using red. Or having figures of the sun. Or even drawing it!

And they wonder where all these rumors start. How do people know things about their sect leader that they don't know? How can they say those things, that the man is busy capturing and torturing innocents when they see him every day working beside them?

Yes, their sect leader can be a cruel man. They know. Everyone has that potential. But he was never mean to them without reason, and even when the few children deserved a scolding, a gentle pat on the head was what they received.

Rumors are rumors. But if people believe them, they're true. So, the Jiang disciples become angrier. If others choose to believe rumors, then they'll choose to protect their leader. They'll protect him. Whatever that entails.

So when Jiang Cheng arrives from the celebration of the venerated triad with a blank face, they know they have to take care of him. When they smell the sweet, blood scent emanating from their leader, always constant but stronger after the trip, they swear revenge.

When they're awakened by his screams of terror, afraid that their sect is now isolated, without support... Afraid that one of the other grand sects will try to attack them... Afraid that his reputation of ruthlessness won't be enough to keep them away... Then, they act.

Lotus Pier rises from the ashes by pure determination. And by fear. Not of the ones residing on it, but of the sects around it. Because everyone knows, attempt the impossible – the Jiangs are just and trustworthy. But if you cross them, it is your choice to die.

And someday they'll discover who's the being that keeps inflicting pain on their sect leader. When that day arrives, they won't hesitate. Blood is paid with blood.

**

Jin Guangshan dies – Jiang Cheng thinks that he was long overdue. Three days later, Jin Zixuan is poisoned. He survives, but barely. No one knows when he'll regain consciousness. Jin Ling becomes the mighty heir overnight.

It all becomes quite messy when he receives a letter from his sister asking him to rescue her. Jiang Cheng is so fiercely loyal that the political implications of executing such a request don't even pass through his mind. He flies to Carp Tower.

When he finally reaches his destination, Jin Guangyao tells him all about her unhinged behavior: "She kidnapped my brother and does not open their room door to anyone. She says she'll be the one tending to his needs. No one is allowed to enter besides her".

This is when Jiang Cheng realizes that love can be a sweet type of dementia too. "What about Jin Ling?"

"I've been the one taking care of him these last few days," the man replies with a beatific smile. There's a Hyacinth Bean vine peeking out of his collar and Jiang Cheng wonders who could be the silly being nurturing love thoughts for this golden snake.

"Please, take me to my sister."

"I don't think she'll let you enter," Jin Guangyao replies, still smiling.

"I'll deal with it," Jiang Cheng replies with finality.

He doesn't have to do much. As soon as he calls for his sister, the door opens and he's allowed inside the room, which looks more like a made-up infirmary. When the door closes behind him, there's no hug, no smile.

Yanli bows swiftly at his feet and starts pleading: "Help me. Sect Leader, help me. Take me and my family, take us out of this snake's pit."

"A-Jie, stop it. It's me, your a-cheng," he says frantically, lifting his sister from the ground and hugging her.

"I need help, a-cheng," she whispers brokenly, the sobs tearing through her.

He looks around the room, there are vials and books scattered everywhere. Jin Zixuan lies in the middle of a bed, motionless, but with no signs of a serious illness. On the contrary, Yanli looks like the one who needs care immediately.

Jiang Cheng can feel her bones through the robes, her eyes are sunken and her skin is pale. "a-jie, tell me, how can I help?" She spills, the words sometimes not making much sense, but Jiang Cheng tries to understand her.

She tells him about how the Jin sect conspires internally, never satisfied with anything. How you're either ruthless or a target, and neither she nor Jin Zixuan knew how to play these games. She assures him that her husband was poisoned by someone close to them. That leaving him here is the same as tying the rope around his neck. Her son is not safe either.

"Jin Ling who has been taken care of by Jin Guangyao," there's some reproach in his tone.

"Who adores him and is aware of how it would look like if another heir is attacked so soon. I may be mad with the pain of almost losing my husband," she continues "but I'm not playing around with my kid's safety. Right now, he is the safest of all three of us because all eyes are on him."

"What do you want?”

"For you to take us away," her tone is resolute.

"You want me, another sect leader, to take both heirs of the Jin sect with me?" doesn’t she see how this is a suicide mission?

"Yes," she says with a finality that didn't use to be there. "I'm asking you to save us, but I don't have anything to give in return. I'm using you because I know you won't fail me. I'm so sorry a-cheng," she starts bawling and Jiang Cheng tries to comfort her.

At least she's honest.

He asks her for some time, to figure things out and how to proceed. A few hours to think about a plan. And she accepts.

He leaves the room and goes looking for his nephew. Jin Ling is with one of his many maids, the woman trying to calm him down. If his lungs are any indication, he sure seems to be a healthy one-year-old. She looks suspicious when he asks her to hold him.

He was asked to kidnap two sect heirs, and he doesn't know how he's going to justify this. And, unfortunately, his sect still isn't strong enough to go to war. He takes a seat in one of the many inner gardens scattered around the tower and thinks.

Jiang Cheng thinks and despairs. Until a daffodil starts blooming on his inner wrist.

"Sect Leader Jiang," oh, he never thought this man could think of him without hate ever again.

"Zewu-jun."

Jiang Cheng wonders if it is the baby that makes him more desirable. If Lan Xichen is like those maidens portrayed in books that always go feral when they see a man with a baby. It doesn't matter – whatever it is, Jiang Cheng knows it won't last.

Jiang Cheng's love may be steadfast – as reflected by the forget-me-nots littering both hands of Lan Xichen – but he knows Lan Xichen's thoughts of devotion are frail things.

"I don't remember when it was the last time I saw young master Jin this calm," the man comments

While Jiang Cheng does not believe that was the intention, he hears the underlying truth: not even when his mother held him, did he seem so at peace.

"Children are quite sensitive to their surroundings and to adults' inner turmoil," Jiang Cheng defends his sister as best he can.

 “Are you experienced in child-rearing, Sect Leader Jiang?" another daffodil appears and Jiang Cheng moves his arm to hide it.

"After the sunshot campaign, there were many orphan children who had to be taken care of."

"Oh," Jiang Cheng recognizes the 'oh', the pity embedded in it.

He doesn't need it. He does not want it. "They can be quite small vicious things – most of the time I don't know where my purple ribbons are because they insist on playing with them". There, something trivial about how even his younger disciples don't follow his rules.

"Aren't those ribbons in your inner rooms?"

"Yes, but when I help take care of the children during the night, they take the chance to steal them," he feels the third daffodil burning along with the others.

Who would know the mighty Zewu-Jun would have an infatuation for parental figures?

"I guess sect leader Jiang has come to Carp Tower to see the health state of sect leader Jin?" the older man asks and both of them know that's a white lie. He did come to see that, but that's not his main aim.

In the same way, Lan Xichen did not come here only to check on his health either. The Lan may be known by their healers' knowledge, but the Jiang nowadays only have one healer – respected and feared – who is in no condition to travel such distances.

 “I'm not sure how would be the best way to move Jin Zixuan to Lotus Pier, but I could help you think about it."

"What?"

"That's why you've come, right? Because in Lotus Pier resides one of the best healers of our cultivation world, who's unfortunately too old to come here."

Do soulmates read each other's thoughts? Regardless, that's exactly what Jiang Cheng just thought but spun in a way it's an advantage for him and his sister. "O-of course. That's exactly it."

"I thought so. I have to go now, but it was a pleasure seeing you, sect Leader Jiang.”

For the first time, there are as many daffodils in his skin as the fingers he has in one hand. And Jiang Cheng beams. It doesn't matter if they're not as deep in color as the forget-me-nots in Lan Xichen skin. It's a win, and today he needs it.

There are days in which life is kind. Jiang Cheng doesn't have many of those, but this seems one of them. When Lan Xichen leaves, he remains in the garden with his nephew. He knows he should go and speak with the little golden snake. Or give some support to his sister.

But there's a tiny being who needs him without asking or demanding. Someone who despite his fragility can give some warmth back. So, Jiang Cheng chooses to stay with Jin Ling until the baby falls asleep. It's a miracle that such a tiny being can give so much comfort.

"Don't let him fool you. Someday that tiny bean will grow up to be an annoying teenager." Maybe Jiang Cheng should feel ashamed that he's caught by surprise for the second time today. And by another sect leader, no less. But he's too enamored looking at his nephew to mind.

"Do you talk from experience, Sect Leader Nie?."

"Of course, Sect Leader Jiang. My brother wasn't always the menace he is today." Contrary to Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue sits next to him and takes the opportunity to look at the baby.

There's a softness in his eyes that most will never have the chance to witness. "Fatherhood looks good on you," there's a heaviness in his words that hints at something more. A deeper meaning. Something more congruent with the way the man is looking at him.

Because Jiang Cheng is tired in many ways, but most of all, in how to adult and deal with others, he blurts: "Do all men in power fancy other men holding babies?"

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows he probably just made a terrible mistake. If he was not holding Jin Ling, he would be bowing to his feet, apologizing profusely. Instead, he feels the blush taking over his face while he tries to think of a proper apology.

Nie Mingjue laughs. It's a booming sound, full and joyful. Well, Jiang Cheng may have compromised the relationship between the Jiang and Nie sects, but at least it also led to something positive?

However, Jin Ling doesn't like the loud sound and starts scrunching his nose, threatening to wake up earlier. But Nie Mingjue stops laughing before that happens. "I'm sorry, you just caught me off guard with your question. And the response is no, they don't appreciate it.”

That's somewhat a relief, Jiang Cheng thinks, that he read Nie Mingjue's stares wrong. "I also don't particularly enjoy it. But since you were so forthright, I'll be too: fatherhood looks good on you, Sect Leader Jiang, but I find you attractive even without a baby in your arms."

"Oh, no. But... you have a soulmate!!" Jiang Cheng blurts, holding more firmly the baby. It was well known that the sect leader Nie had a soulmate – the man used to walk shirtless in the camping sites during the sunshot campaign, crimson hellebores covering most of his back.

And cuts, so many cuts spread around the flowers.

 “I do have a soulmate. That doesn't mean that I stopped appreciating beauty. More importantly, it doesn't mean that I have to be with them."

"Do you want to?"

"No. Those who see soulmates as a gift of heavens, don't know how much it hurts to have confirmation they hate you. It's difficult to be aware of your thoughts all the time. To ensure you never have a hateful thought towards the other, so that you don't mark their skin."

Jiang Cheng whispers. "It's draining and not what a relationship should be. We all hate others sometimes?"

 “We do, even when we love them. Sometimes others hurt us in tiny ways, and we must hate them for a few seconds. Minutes. Maybe days even," Nie Mingjue replies, his right hand patting Jiang Cheng's shoulder. “It would be easier to ignore you if you were only attractive. You shouldn't also be kind, even if you try to hide it."

"Well, you don't seem to be having a hard time ignoring me," Jiang Cheng retorts, the venerated triad still fresh in his mind

“I have a sect to run and a body working against me. If our reality was different, I think we could have been great friends," then, getting awfully closer, Nie Mingjue whispers "I accepted that invite because it was the only way to keep watch on someone I don't trust.”

 “I've regretted it since, but I can't go back. Not when I must ensure that my best friend doesn't fall into that man's traps. While you are here, be careful. Saying there are ears everywhere it's an understatement.”

And he leaves. Later, Jiang Cheng will regret only one thing about this day: the stupid assumption that no one would be listening to them in that garden.

In the end, it's Madam Jin that enables Yanli's wish. Jiang Cheng is talking with Jin Guangyao – all three of the venerated triad present – trying to convince the man that he doesn't want to take over the Jin sect when she arrives. She enters the room flanked by disciples and with Jin Zixun at the helm of her entourage

Her face shows how hard the last few weeks have been, but it would be a mistake to dismiss her this chessboard. She's the closest thing to a Queen while most of them are paws being sacrificed for a greater good.

“A little bird told me that Sect Leader Jiang wants to take my son and my grandchild to Lotus Pier with him." There's no mention of his sister – the woman who failed to protect her husband; the same woman who is not present to discuss her family's future.

"Madame Jin, please, list-," Nie Mingjue tries to intercede.

"You shush boy. I'm not talking with you and there's no reason for the Nie sect to meddle in this matter. Your brotherhood," disdain drips from her voice "may result in your frequent presence in these halls but know your place," Nie Mingjue nods chastised. "And please, stop trying to seduce others in my gardens. If you want to seduce someone, at least take this bastard with you," she says looking at Jin Guangyao.

Jiang Cheng tries to fight the blush threatening to take over his face. It's an easy task when he sees the new cuts appearing in Nie Mingjue's hands: his soulmate is here, he thinks. But he doesn't have much time to dwell on that, because Madam Jin turns to him:

"Tell me honestly, sect leader Jiang, do you think someone from my sect tried to attack my boy?" He's caught in a crossfire. Admitting that yes, he believes this was an inside job in the presence of the venerated triad and the Jin disciples it could be the same as buying a war.

But denying it will not ensure the safety of his sister.

"I do."

"How do I know it was not you? How do I know this is not a play from the Jiang clan to ensure Jin Ling's position as sect leader? Perhaps the plan was for your sister to rule the sect until the child is older?”

"Because your daughter-in-law hasn't left her husband's side since the attack. Because if you look at her and think that woman can rule anything, then you're the mad one. And let's be honest Madam Jin, my sect was dying – it lives now, but barely. We're surviving. I may be rash and cruel,” he continues “but I'm not a fool – trying to take another sect under my wing, especially by force, would be the wrong move".

"Ah, but you don't deny that it could be a move."

"Of course, I won't deny it, I know you're also not a fool. But what matters is that it's not.”

"Mada-"

"I didn't give you permission to talk to me, bastard," she interrupts harshly. Then, looking at both Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen adds: "And I keep not understanding why you have to be present, but for once you'll be useful."

"Sect Leader Jiang, I'll allow you to take my son, his wife, and their child to Lotus Pier. I'll give you six months and if in the meantime my child's health doesn't improve, they'll come back. You'll be responsible for the three of them.”

He tries to not react to her words.

"If during this time any of them gets sick, I'll destroy you and your people. If their safety is endangered, I'll destroy you. If I have the slightest suspicion that you're trying to get rid of them, I'll destroy you. And if your sister survives, I'll destroy her after.”

“I want weekly reports about them and the assurance that their safety is maintained by your spiders." Seeing Jiang Cheng look surprised, she continues "Oh, I know about them. Don't forget I used to be quite close to someone from the Yu sect,” she smirks. “I won't send any disciples with you because I'm not sure who to trust, but I want to believe that the two sect leaders here present won't mind stopping by Lotus Pier to check on my son," as none of the men disagree, she keeps going. "Good. During this time, with my child away, the bastard won’t have time to have these frequent rendezvous with both of you, esteemed sect leaders. He'll be busy helping me run this sect and discovering who was the rat that tried to poison my child."

 “But I have to play the Cleansing song for sect leader Nie," Jin Guangyao interjects, a disturbed look on his face.

"Yes, Madam Jin, our sworn brother has be-"

"Quiet Lan child. If Lotus Pier has this remarkable healer, good enough to help my child, as you tried to convince me earlier, then I bet that this healer might have a solution for sect leader Nie's small problem." It's evident what she's doing – taunting them in denying the healer exists.

Perhaps Jiang Cheng should be more worried about this game, but he's stuck on the knowledge that Lan Xichen interceded for him.

"Do you have anything against this, sect leader Nie?" she asks.

"No, I don't mind stopping by Lotus Pier. I'll take a look both at Jin Zixuan and see this healer. Who knows? Maybe try to seduce someone in the middle of all the lotus flowers?" he winks.

HE WINKS.

And more cuts appear, but they don't seem to bother him. At the same time, a new daffodil appears on Jiang Cheng – he can feel it. Huh, besides parenthood, jealousy also works then.

 “One last thing: if the Yiling Patriarch or one of his wen-dogs gets close to my child or grandchild, I'll burn Lotus Pier to the ground. Try it and what the wen-dogs did to you won't be nothing more besides a sweet dream."
 

**

Lan Xichen was transgressing the rules of his sect. Every day he would look at himself in a mirror, ribbon already off his forehead and a thin robe draped over his shoulders, and he would admire the garden in his arms.

Years after the first forget-me-not, he still found fascinating the ritual of counting how many flowers were on his skin. To inspect and explore their colors, if the ones fading were being replaced by new ones, how real they felt. He marveled at the absence of any cuts

Lan Xichen was sinning. His body was a testament to the devotion someone felt for him, and he could not stop the pride. The euphoria. The excitement of knowing that there was someone out there wanting him. Never flattering in their devotion.

Since the end of the sunshot campaign, the number of forget-me-nots has grown steadily. On days when life was harder, these small flowers gave him hope – there was someone out there who believed in him. Even if he didn't. Even if they shouldn't.

Lans only love once, and Lan Xichen could not say he had ever loved someone until this day. Yes, some individuals had caught his eyes, some he wanted to love, but that type of feeling remained foreign to him.

But he was in love with the idea that someone did love him. He was so infatuated with it, that he didn't want to discover who the person was. He didn't want to do anything that could hinder this fantasy.

So even if he had his suspicions, he didn't try to confirm them. Especially not when one of the possibilities was a man he didn't understand. A man that not only intrigued him but had been able to make him burst with rage.

How would he keep going if he discovered that sect leader Jiang was his soulmate? That this man that he had hated once upon a time – that he still hated when he noticed the absence of his brother – was the origin of all the flowers in his arms?

What would he do with the knowledge that this powerful, ruthless man, was devoted to him fiercely, without any doubts? That there was the chance that he would bend to one of Lan Xichen's words, blinded by his devotion? How could Lan Xichen escape the Lan curse?

So, he made a choice. He chose to not have confirmation. To keep his distance. To not feel anything for the other man – not even hate. Not anymore. He chose to never give him any hint that he knew who his soulmate was. No, that he suspected.

And when he saw his friend flirting with the man, he swallowed the anger. He looked away. Tried to forget it

Yes, it might be selfish, but he'll take this sweet devotion while he can. Only a crazy man would prefer a cursed love life than being covered by a garden of forget-me-nots.
 

**

 It takes a month for Lan Xichen to visit Lotus Pier. The agreement between him and Nie Mingjue was that the other man would "inspect" during the first month, and Lan Xichen would take over later. He knows that Madam Jin is watching them.

When he reaches Lotus Pier, he immediately feels the heat and the humidity. He wonders if the Jiang disciples have ways of controlling their body temperature or if they endure the heat. A woman is expecting him – he guesses she's one of the famous spiders.

She doesn't smile, only gesturing for him to follow her. He's taken through piers and closed-off wings until they reach a private pier and she tells him "sect leader will be here soon." When Lan Xichen turns her back on him, he finally notices that he's not alone Nie Mingjue – who should be all the way in his sect – is resting under a shade. Shirtless. A baby tucked in his chest

"He's shameless, right? I'm pretty sure he's trying to seduce one of my spiders, but I haven't figured out which one," a gruff voice says.

Sometimes we make decisions that we're unable to fulfill. One of the hardest things in life is admitting we're failing in our own words. The promises we make to ourselves.

We act before we think and entire empires crumble because of it.

When Lan Xichen hears Jiang Cheng's comment he doesn't think about his resolutions, about staying away and keeping his distance.

He reacts: "Are you jealous, sect leader Jiang?"

The man flounders, a soft blush spreading through his face, and Lan Xichen finds himself enamored with the sight. He wonders if there is a new flower flourishing on the other skin.

"Of course not, Zewu-Jun. I would just prefer for some people to make a move and start wearing clothes around here. I do have a sect to run, and I find it hard to do when all my disciples are too flustered to function. But me, jealous? Never."

"So many words from someone that is not jealous," is what Lan Xichen wants to say, but his sworn brother beats him to the punch.

The man has awoken, a sleepy baby still cradled between his arms, a small smirk adorning his face. Lan Xichen doesn't remember a recent time when the man looked so relaxed. More of a man, and less of a commander on the battlefield.

" Regarding the matter of my clothes or their lack thereof, I must inform you that the only reason why I'm shirtless is that babies enjoy skin-to-skin contact. And since I'm on babysitter duty when I come to visit, I'm just doing my best. Also, your disciples wouldn't feel as flustered if other leaders here present also showed their eye candy,” he comments looking at both Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen.

 “And yes, I know the Lan practice restriction,” Nie Mingjue continues. “Lastly, I refute any insinuations that I'm trying to seduce anyone. Here I am, a pitiful sect leader from another sect, and your spiders are the ones insisting to spar with me. How could I refuse them?”

"You're so infuriating," Jiang Cheng replies turning his back. "How was I able to look up to you?" he grumbles as he leaves the pier. But both men – and the baby – know he's not that mad, otherwise, he wouldn't leave without his nephew.

Lan Xichen feels the jealousy spreading through his insides. How his mind can only focus on the apparent proximity between Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng and how there was an entire conversation in which he was ignored.

"Why does it look like you just ate something sour, Xichen?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about matters related to my sect. Don't worry, Da-ge."

"Something I can help you with?", the bigger man asks.

"Are you that interested in silly matters related to my sect bureaucracy?" Lan Xichen teases.

"I've been in such a good mood that yes, I would be open to that," there's a gentle smile on his face, a large hand softly patting the sleeping baby.

"Your relationship with the Jiang sect seems to be doing you well."

"You've been spending too much time with Meng Yao. I can't say if you're truly happy for me anymore.”

"Of course, I'm happy for you, Da-ge!" And Lan Xichen is. Even if Nie Mingjue were to tell him he wanted to pursue Jiang Cheng, Lan Xichen would be happy for him.

"Hm, you used to be more transparent. I told you that spending too much time with that man is never a good idea."

"Perhaps you should spend more time with him," Lan Xichen replies.

"Are we having this conversation again, Xichen? Can't we postpone it for next year? I wouldn't like to wake up this baby with my irritation. Well, you don't want this baby to wake up – he has awfully good lungs."

"I'm just telling you could spend more time with a-yao."

"Why? Because he's my soulmate?"

"No, because he's your friend.”

“Is he?"

"Da-ge, you cannot s-"

Nie Mingue interrupts him without any care "Oh but I can. Let's not forget that my so-called friend joined my sect, discovered he was my soulmate, and then became my friend, by this exact order."

"Because he was afraid of your reaction,” Lan Xichen tries to explain once again.

"He lied to me, Xichen. He got close to me, made himself an essential part of my life and sect, and only then told me. And when I explained to him that soulmates are overrated, and while I appreciate some things in him, I didn’t love him, he left.”

“He was hurt," Lan Xichen tries to defend, to be interrupted again.

"He hurt himself. No one made him lie or make any of the decisions he likes to blame others for. He hurt himself and I know he hurts everyone I look at with slight interest.”

“You also hurt him," Lan Xichen confronts thinking of the cuts littering a-yao arms.

"Regretfully, I do. I try to avoid it, but there are times in which I truly hate him. I despise him. But I always regret it, and I pay my dues."

“You could talk and maybe solve all this".

"Are you that gullible, my friend? Or are these all words he fed to you?" Nie Mingjue asks while standing up, cradling Jin Ling with care. "It wouldn't solve anything because I don't want to be with him. I don't trust him and it worries me how you trust him so blindly. But more than that, I know that soulmates are not a sweet love fool type of story. They can be destructive things. Your soulmate may not hate you, but that's not the rule. That's the anomaly.”

Lan Xichen is left with his thoughts and the clear impression that his da-ge is disappointed with him.

Jiang Cheng doesn't see Lan Xichen for the rest of the day and thinks the man has left.

It's almost dinner time and he's getting ready to have some time by himself when one of his spiders interrupts him:

"Sect Leader Lan asks if you could meet with him."

"He's still here?”, he asks surprised.

 “Yes. He's been loitering around the piers since having a not-so-friendly talk with sect leader Nie," the spider sneers.

"What did I tell you about listening to others' conversations?"

"I'm just doing my job, sir," she replies rolling her eyes. The spiders were well-known for their austere dispositions, but they showed another side in the presence of their master.

"What job? Are you implying what?"

"They could be plotting against you, sir."

"If they wanted to plot against me, I think sect leader Now would stop helping us with Jin Ling."

"You trust too much, sir."

"I don't, and you all know that," he says now somberly. "Regarding sect leader Lan's request, I was going to have dinner. Please ask him if he wants to make me company." The spider nods and leaves.

He guesses the man accepts when he sees him entering his office.

"One of your disciples told me to have dinner with you," Lan Xichen tells him quietly.

"You don't have to, sect leader Lan! I hope she didn't give the impression I was demanding your presence," he tries to correct. “I would never even think of giving you an order."

"No, please. Don't worry. The disciple was perfectly polite and did not demand anything of me. I gladly accepted your offer. I'm the one who should apologize, asking for your attention after a long day of work.”

Jiang Cheng fidgets with the several things in front of him on his desk. He doesn't remember the last time that sect leader Lan requested some of his time. Is this related to the soulmate business?

 “I must thank you for giving me some of your time to discuss matters related to the Jin sect," the man says. Nothing related to being soulmates, then.

It's both a relief and the continuation of turmoil, having to keep this secret.

“Of course, sect leader Lan. One of my servants will bring us dinner soon. Until then we can discuss it. Please, take a seat," he says gesturing to the chair in front of him. Lan Xichen sits and they both stare at each other for a few moments.

It's Lan Xichen that breaks the silence

 “Is the young master Jin nearby?" Jiang Cheng knows that the other is (probably) not trying to attack him or his family. He must be asking for his nephew because the last time they were together, the baby was near him. Nonetheless, he feels the sting.

"Jin Ling is with his mother," his voice hardens. "During the day he spends some time with me, but most of the time he's being taken care of by his mother." It's a lie – but Lan Xichen doesn't need to know that.

"I was not implying anything, sect leader Jiang.”

“Of course, sect leader Lan. You would never resort to such strategies. You're a Lan after all," if his voice drips with sarcasm, no one can blame him. Fortunately, Lan Xichen is too polite to call out his disrespect.

"Jin Guangyao told me there have been no updates yet regarding Jin Zixuan's health."

"Well, that's not entirely true," seeing the look of confusion on the other man's face, he adds "Jin Guangyao doesn't know any updates because Madam Jin is the only one receiving them. What she chooses to do with said information, it's her decision!”

“But he's worried about his brother, he should also be aware of hi-"

"Did you always share your sect decisions with your brother, sect leader Lan?" The cut that appears on his right forearm is instantaneous. Lan Wangji remains a sore matter for Lan Xichen.

“That's hardly the same," an unfamiliar harshness envelops Lan Xichen's voice.

"Is it? Jin Guangyao may be Jin Zixuan's half-brother, but he's also an heir. He's an interested party in more ways than one. Regardless, I'm just following orders.”

“But why would Madam Jin hide any news regarding Jin Zixuan's health from me and Mingjue? She was the one who asked for our help."

"And the fact remains that you're both outsiders."

"You're also a leader from another sect.”

“Sect leader Lan, are you implying my sect is a threat? I already told all of you that we're just trying to survive. And even if I had the means, why would I want Carp Tower? I can't imagine the hours of sleep I would lose trying to put that place in order.”

“Do you like sleeping so much you would prefer it to another sect?" Lan Xichen teases.

"You never had to care for a baby during the night, otherwise you also would prefer sleeping," he confesses.

“Oh, I thought your nephew was being taken care of by his mother?"

"Oh, that, I j-."

"Don't worry. My job is only to ensure that Jin Zixuan is being well taken care of, and from what I saw earlier, he seems fine."

"You saw him earlier?!”

“Yes, your sister invited me. She said you were too busy with sect matters to show me around," he was busy but also running from the man after having to deal with a shirtless Mingjue. But he had not expected his sister to intervene.

These were the facts: Most of the time, Jin Ling was either with him or one of his spiders. Once in a fortnight, he was babysat by Mingjue. Jin Zixuan was fine, but not better. Their healer had discovered that he had been poisoned for several months now. They suspected that on that fateful day, the one poisoning him had messed up the dose, leading him to an earlier state of shock, instead of dying "naturally". The reason? Yanli also had poison in her bloodstream, but by the time she was seen by the healer, it was not possible to figure out what the poison was. It didn't matter, it was still enough to send her into a state of madness, always afraid that by staying with them, Jin Ling would be in danger. The solution? To be with his jiujiu all the time – who cared if the man had to sleep?

Jiang Cheng was going to reply to Lan Xichen when one of his disciples knocked at the door, finally arriving with their dinner. And a surprise:

"Sect Leader, we just received an important missive from Master Wei.”

As soon as the disciple said 'master Wei', Jiang Cheng felt more cuts appearing in his upper arms. These were accompanied by the thunderous expression on Lan Xichen's face.

The last time he had seen his face contorted like that was just after Wei Wuxian deserted the Jiang sect.

The disciple left their dinner on the desk between them, as well as the missive. Jiang Cheng knew the other man was burning with questions and the unfortunate thing was that he did not have any responses. The agreement between all the sects was that Wei Wuxian would go to the burial mounds, and take the remaining Wen with him, as well as the second jade. No communication with the other sects was allowed unless they were the ones starting it. They were all on probation.

Moreover, Madam Jin had been straightforward in her demand that Wei Wuxian should keep his distance from her son. The current situation didn't bode well for Jiang Cheng, especially considering that Lan Xichen was present when he received the missive.

Would the man believe him when he said this was the second time this happened? Would he demand him to explain what the first missive said, consequently revealing secrets that Jiang Cheng only wants to forget?

Jiang Cheng is taken from his musings by Lan Xichen's voice:

"You receive correspondence from them," contrary to before, this is an accusation.

"I don't," and Jiang Cheng knows how ridiculous is his reply when Wei Wuxian's missive is right between them.

"Then you wouldn't mind opening it now," Lan Xichen says. "Moreover, it's one of my duties to ensure that Jin Zixuan is safe."

It should scare Jiang Cheng how blind Lan Xichen can be when the matter at hand is somewhat related to his brother.

It should scare him. But he simply finds that brotherly devotion something to be amazed at. To be so unconditionally loved that you would disregard your own rules in favor of the other. Ironic, right? When it was his brother showing his love born out of debt, his reaction was different.

"Please, sect leader Jiang, read the letter."

So, Jiang Cheng acquiesces. When he opens it, is immediately clear Wei Wuxian was not the one writing it. The calligraphy is too precise, the type of strokes born from relentless training. When he puts down the letter, Lan Xichen's reaction is enough to quench his doubts: it's Lan Wangji.

'Sect Leader Jiang,
The Yiling sect was recently informed about sect heir Jin's circumstances. We are available to help with anything needed.
Wei Ying also would like you to know that he'll help only if you consent to it. Even if you're not ready for that, he hopes you and the sect are well. He says he's sure you're taking good care of the sister and nephew both of you share. He informs you that there is another nephew for you to meet if you want – I agree with letting you meet him.
  Lastly, he asks for you to at least let him see your sister and the baby. A chance to ensure everything is alright.
Respectfully,
Lan Wangji'

"What does he mean by letting you meet your nephew? Why would he have anything to do with that?" Lan Xichen asks without preambles. "Unless..."

It doesn't take much for Jiang Cheng to figure out what is his conclusion. "Did you know about this child, sect leader Jiang?" the man asks in anger.

Someday, Jiang Cheng will stop smelling so pungently as blood. But not today.

Jiang Cheng doesn't answer right away, still processing what he just read.

 "Sect leader Jiang did," cut "you," cut "know," cut, cut, cut, " about,"  cut  "the child."  Cut, cut, cut.

By now the smell of blood is overwhelming. As well as the pain.

But Jiang Cheng powers though: "Sect leader Lan, I don't have any idea what they're referring to. Your brother, “cut "he says in the letter that they want to inform me. Because I didn't know."

Believe me, believe me, believe me, believe me.

Touch me.

Stop this pain.

The pleas that Jiang Cheng doesn't voice, as his hands clench around his robes.

Believe me, believe me, believe. Stop thinking about me.

"Answer me: have you received any other letters previous to this one?" Jiang Cheng could lie – should lie. But what does he have besides his word? How can he lie and risk that later on, the other man will discover the truth?

"Only once. I don't receive correspondence from them – there's only this letter and a previous one." This time, the gash appears in his throat. There's no way for Jiang Cheng to hide it. Even despite his madness, the way Lan Xichen's eyes bulge indicates he sees it.

He touches it. It's brief.

The touch confirms a reality that both parts wanted to ignore.

It takes a few seconds for Lan Xichen to stop touching Jiang Cheng, too mesmerized by what just happened. Until the panic starts pumping through his veins. The man quickly gets up, making teacups and plates fall to the ground. He backtracks to the door, the urge to run away the only thing on his mind.

Run, run, run. Run from the truth. From him.

Jiang Cheng remains still. Lan Xichen knows he knows. And he hates him. It doesn't matter how much devotion Jiang Cheng has for him; the other man hates him. That's why they're here now.

When Lan Xichen is almost leaving the room, Jiang Cheng reacts:

"I can ex-."

And is quickly interrupted: "You should accept your brother's help. Ask his family to come here." Ask my brother. "I won't tell Madam Jin. But I have to go now.”

"But our bond," Jiang Cheng tries. But the door is already closed.

The cuts hurt. The one in his throat was particularly painful. But Jiang Cheng would prefer them to the pain of heartbreak.

Because Lan Xichen is a Lan, he doesn't run. His heart may be in disarray, but he keeps his facade until he reaches his rooms in Lotus Pier.

When he's soundly safe inside, he lets the mask fall, and the desperation settles.

Sect Leader Jiang, Jiang Wanyin, the Sandu Shengshou, the fiercest of all living sect leaders, is his soulmate. The same man he suspected, the one he doesn't comprehend is the reason why his body is studded with flowers

STOPAt the thought of them, he quickly sheds his robes. There's a comfort in seeing the forget-me-nots littering his skin. The sign that somewhere out there, a man thinks about him.

Jiang Wanyin thinks about him.

Devotedly.

This man that he has hurt in the past, with both his words and thoughts. That he has suspected, despite the rules enforced by his sect. He has ignored it because knowing the truth sometimes is knowing intimately what sorrow is. Jiang Wanyin never, even when deserved, hated him.

Lan Xichen wonders how it's possible to fail someone so deeply and still be worthy of love in their eyes. What type of devotion is that: unconditional, freely given, independent of reciprocation? How this man feared by many, described as cruel and cold, just loves?

Has Lan Xichen been cruel all this time? Selfish? Has his fear prevented him from treating sect leader Jiang as a human being? Someone with emotions and desires, who is prone to errors. Someone who deserves a chance?

SHow can Lan Xichen demand his older sworn brother to treat a-yao better when all along he's been treating his soulmate as nothing more than garbage?

A personal source of reassurance, without ever giving back.

Lan do not lie. Lans only love once. Should 'Lan are hypocrites' be added to their lore too?

Has all this time Lan Xichen been nothing more than a coward man, too scared to see what has been right in front of him? A worse thought strikes him:

Is Lan Xichen nothing more than a reflection of his deceased father? Using omission and ignorance as a way to keep Jiang Wanyin chained to him? Four walls and gentian flowers are not always needed to control someone if the person is freely devoted to you.

For the first time in many years, Lan Xichen cries. He cries in regret because he remembers every time a hateful thought about Wanyin crossed his mind, and he cannot take it back. He cries because of the sorrow he feels, this deep, all-consuming feeling of solitude.

Who can he talk to? An uncle foreign to these matters? A sworn brother that he disappointed and another that is too busy pretending he rules a sect? To a brother that has left him behind? Is this how seclusion feels like? A feeling of loneliness so deep that you're obligated to look inside because around you there are no answers?

Most of all Lan Xichen cries because he doesn't love.

He has a soulmate who didn't give up on him, who didn't doubt him even when it was evident he hated him, and there's no love. When he looks inside, there's no love to give – only this hungry monster demanding reassurance

He cries because most people think Jiang Wanyin is a monster when it's him who is the ruthless one. And still, he can't think of staying away from the other. Even with the knowledge that he doesn't love him, he still stops on the yet.

Lan Xichen doesn't love him. Yet.

There's nothing besides a strange lust and admiration for the other man. Yet.

So, because it's not his heart that is on the plate, Lan Xichen bets on the yet. The possibility that, with time, there may be something.

Outside, loyal disciples are listening to the sobs. They don't know what's on his mind, but now they know. After too long, they know who's the reason for their leader to smell pungently like blood.

But contrary to him, they're not as trustworthy.

So, they swear. They swear that they'll keep their eyes open. At the first mistake made by the Lan, they'll attack. It doesn't matter what the consequences are. And if some of them are working on seducing a shirtless sect leader, maybe it's not all that innocent.

In times of war, everything is fair. Even playing with others' heads. And libido.
 

Lan Xichen leaves during the night – it breaks Jiang Cheng's heart, but still no cut appears on the other man's skin.

There’s a letter left behind, but he’s too scared to read it. So, he busies himself with reports, replying to other missives, and taking care of Jin Ling. It’s a false sense of security – this idea that until he reads the letter, he can keep pretending everything remains the same. Sometimes, he finds himself touching his neck, searching for a cut that it’s not there.

At night, when he’s too overworked to be able to sleep, he imagines a reality in which his love is reciprocated – in which that letter is nothing more than a love letter. He takes the absence of any news cuts as a proclamation of a newfound feeling, the chance that out there, in cloud recesses, there’s someone who wants to choose him.

It lasts a week.

His pretend reality comes to an end when an agitated spider appears in his office, demanding his presence next to his older sister. When he reaches her room, he hears shouts, the sound of things breaking – he runs inside.

He won't let his remaining family be taken away from him.

But there’s no one inside besides an unconscious Jin Zixuan, Yanli, and their sect healer. As he slips inside, the healer leaves, patting him comfortably on the shoulder.

 “You already knew,” his sister accuses, and he cannot deny it. Of course, he knows what the healer has come to tell her – they’re under his tutelage and she’s his healer. “You’ve been stalling us while we could be searching for a cure somewhere else.”

“What cure, a-jie?,” What cure for a man that doesn’t exist anymore? The healer had spoken with him earlier in the day, her diagnosis finally complete – the last dose of poison had been fatal and kept spreading. Zixuan was still breathing on his own, but that was going to change soon.

He had a few days, maybe hours.

The healer had suggested that he contact Madam Jin as soon as possible and he had done it.

His sister… his sister was another matter altogether According to the healer, while the doses she had taken had not provoked any last damage, she showed signs of instability and aggression that she could not link to the poison.

“Something to make him live again”, she sneers, while gently cleaning Jin Zixuan's face.

“a-jie, the healer already told you – there’s nothing we can do.”

“No. There’s nothing you can do," you that failed to attempt the impossible time after time, are the words that remain unsaid. "I’ll find a way.”

“What about Jin Ling?,” he asks, hoping that maybe the baby will make her reconsider.

“What about him?”

"What’s going to happen to him while you find a way?” Who's going to take care of him, is what he wants to ask. Who's going to love him?

“I’m going to take care of him, obviously.”

Jiang Cheng doesn't know how to react. “a-jie, you’ve barely taken care of him since you’ve arrived.”

And it makes sense, he wants to say, you were busy with your husband and I was here to help, but I won't be there if you go.

"What are you implying?” for the first time in his life, his sister's voice sounds like him.

“I’m saying that you need help, a-jie. I know it’s too much to take, and it hurt, but y-"

“You don’t know anything about how I feel. None! What do you know about love, besides being a collector of cuts and rejection?”

In the past, Jiang Cheng would swallow those words and accept them. He would try to apologize to his sister and hear a softness that didn't exist in her words. He would attempt to understand, even if that seems impossible. Now he laughs.

Maybe that's the sign that I've lost it, he thinks. But he laughs, maniacally and without control. It's a guttural sound, deep from inside. And it hurts.

"Do you think that will hurt me? After everything I've been through, do you think you can do more damage? Oh, I thought I was listening to mother speak, but she would never attack so softly". He laughs a bit more before adding "When you come at someone, you should attack where it hurts. I know that my soulmate doesn't care about me, dear sister. That's now new. I also know I fail at our motto, saying that veiledly won't hurt me."

She’s only able to stare at him.

"But I'm glad we've come to this – I was always better leading with harshness than softness. Pray to tell me, what's your plan regarding Jin Zixuan?"

"I don't have to tell you my plans," she replies stubbornly.

"Oh, you do. Don't forget your husband is here because I’m the one responsible, not you. So, what's the plan?" For the first time this conversation started, Yanli fidgets. Her stance is not as secure as before, the shock of being talked to sternly spreading through her.

"I thought, maybe, a-xian could b-"

Jiang Cheng interrupts her with more laughter, but Yanli doesn't react. "Oh, you're serious. You think he'll have a solution. Him, in the middle of nowhere without any type of resources, he'll have a solution."

"At least he'll try."

“And I didn't? What have I been doing until now? Playing around? Do you think I have time to be playing babysitter?" It shouldn't hurt this much, but it hurts.

She's going to reply, but he interrupts her: "I don't care. Do whatever you want. But your husband and your kid will remain here."

"You can't," her voice trembles.

"Oh, I can. Don't forget that Madam Jin made a deal with me. You do whatever you want, but both of them remain here."

"We could as-”

“We? It's we know? That's pretty. It's me deciding, and no Yanli, I won't ask him to come here. He's my brother, but I don't trust him. Not him, not the Lan clan with him, or any of the wen."

Before leaving the room, he adds: "Now I'm going to take care of my nephew. Because contrary to our father, to you, I won't choose someone dead instead of my children."

**

Madam Jin sends a response to Jiang Cheng's letter: “Bring my child back.” No mention of his wife or son. Jiang Cheng complies.

Jin Zixuan arrives at Carp Tower and dies the next day. Yanli never leaves his side.

Jiang Cheng waits three days before requesting a meeting. When Madam Jin finally sees him, he doesn’t wait:

“I know Jin Ling is your heir, but he’s not safe here.”

“I agree.”

He expected her to put up more of a fight, to defend her sect security, but that didn’t happen. Perhaps it shouldn’t be a surprise – this woman just lost her child, and everything indicates that it was an inside job.

“I don’t want to have anything to do with the Jin sect. I don’t have any intentions to rule it, but I want guarantees that no one will take my nephew for me.”

She bristles at that, “he’s the heir,” she reminds him.

“I know, and when the time is right, he’ll spend time here. I won’t take him from his birthright. But I only follow your orders: no elders, no extended family, no uncles.”

Now a smirk adorns her face, “No mothers either?”

There's a pang in his heart when he replies, “No. I may ensure both their safety, but only him is the priority for me.” I won't fight for people who failed me, he doesn't say.

“Are you sure you want to spend your time taking care of another sect heir?”

“You may look at him and see a legacy to your sect, but I look at him and see family. The fact that he’ll wear golden robes is nothing more than a detail to me.” And Jiang Cheng is being honest. This is not a play to gain another sect or political leverage.

Jin Ling is the priority.

“Then we have a deal,” she replies. And Jiang Cheng lets himself feel relief. Relief over something finally going according to his plans.

Later, after putting Jin Ling to sleep, Jiang Cheng crosses paths with Jin Guangyao. The man's smile is subdued, the perfect expression of politeness mashed with sorrow. After all, he just lost his brother.

“Sect leader Jiang, it’s so fortunate that I find you,” Jiang Cheng raises his eyebrow at that. “I wanted to help you with everything you have done for us.”

“There’s no reason to thank me.” Jiang Cheng wants to cut his interactions with this man to a minimum.

“No, I must. My sect will always be in debt to you and your generosity in these trying times.” Something in his speech grates on Jiang Cheng:

“Your sect in the sense you’re part of it, or yours because you aim to rule it?” because you're going after my nephew's inheritance.

“I would never suggest that.”

“Why not? Didn’t you share a father with Jin Zixuan?” sometimes, being crude is the best offense.

“That doesn’t mean, I wouldn’t eve-”

“Your inability to be straightforward baffles me. Are you sure Sect Leader Nie is your soulmate?” The way he stiffens, his eyes rounder, and his hands tremble give the response before any words are uttered.

Since Madam Jin had commented on Nie Mingjue's seducing antics, Jiang Cheng had suspected he and Guangyao were soulmates. He wasn't wrong. But he didn't expect such easy confirmation:

“Da-ge has spoken of me?”

“Oh, I didn’t say that. Would you want him to? Jin Guangyao are you in love with your soulmate?” It's a taunt, a cruel one, but Jiang Cheng doesn't care.

But the snake strikes back, “At least I don’t smell dreadfully as blood with no flowers in sight.”

“This stench prevents unwanted attention. Now let me tell you something: I may not have a way to prove it, but I know you were the one behind all this nonsense with the poison.”

“Do I really look like someone who would choose slowly poisoning someone over a quick swift murder?”

“You do, scarily so. So, I’ll ask kindly for you to keep your distance from me, my sect, and my nephew” Zidian shows her presence, purple electricity spreading through Jiang Cheng's hand. "Or I’ll have to show you why people say I’m ruthless.”

“Is that a threat, Sect leader Jiang?”

“Just friendly advice”, he turns to leave, but not before adding, “Oh, no one besides Madam Jin knew that Zixuan was slowly poisoned. So, you either knew it beforehand, or you read her correspondence. Regardless, both options are bad. I hope I won’t see you soon.”

**

He looks at the mirror – the hyacinth bean vines that used to adorn his collarbones are fading. Worse: there are no new cuts or gashes.

It's preferable to be hated than to be forgotten, and he knows that Mingjue is forgetting him. If his spies were honest – which they usually are – this is a direct consequence of the time he's now spending in Lotus Pier, gallivanting between the lotuses.

It doesn't help that Madam Jin knows it too – that wench.

Always taunting him, poking where it hurts. Does she think he's not aware? That he doesn't know that no matter how cruel and gruesome sect leader Jiang is, people will always favor him when asked to choose between a legitimate son and the fruit of a whore.

That it doesn't matter how much he smiles, how much he achieves, that he'll always be nothing more than a pretty mouse, perfect to execute the dirty work, not good enough to sit on the throne. Even when the other option is a babbling baby, they still won't choose him.

Not good enough to lead, to love.

Not even good enough to hate.

It doesn't matter.

He doesn't care that his play to rule the sect was butchered or that his ploy to get rid of Mingjue has to be stopped. He doesn't care because this game only stops when he says so. And Jin Guangyao is playing still.

He looks at the mirror – new daffodils map his shoulders and back, like a constellation on a cloudy night: the stars exist but if you're not paying attention, you would almost miss them. The best? There are no new cuts or gashes. He's not loved, but there's some devotion.

There is this hidden part of him that wants to count the number of flowers; that wants a direct measure of his worth.

A standard to measure himself against.

Because those flowers, the voice inside his head whispers, they won't be there forever – they'll fade away. But he ignores the voice, the same way he ignores the stares from people outside his sect. They're worthless.

He's Jiang Cheng, sect leader of the Yunmeng Jiang sect, the Sandu Shengshou.

And he's had enough.

He's the leader of the spiders and a war hero. And he's not here to be trifled with, not anymore. He accepts that loving him may be difficult, but he won't ask for crumbs anymore. He doesn't even care about the entire cake. He has other priorities.

There's a sect to run. No, that's not enough. There's a sect he'll make others fear because he won't allow the past to repeat itself.

There are disciples to protect. It's not only a matter of giving them the skills, they need to be nurtured too.

But most importantly, Jiang Cheng is Jin Ling's jiujiu.

And he won't fail him.

Not when others already did. So, he doesn't count the number of daffodils. He doesn't think about what the absence of scars means. He moves on with his life, busy with planning his next meeting with some merchants and thoughts of the things he must buy for his ever-growing nephew.

And if amid it, he doesn't spare a thought to a certain sect leader, that's not his fault

She looks at the mirror – there are no new flowers, but she never had them. Contrary to her brothers, she was never blessed with it.

Or cursed, the interpretation varies.

So, she draws her flowers – small lotuses – hoping that it will make the hurt more bearable. It doesn't. She misses him as the ocean misses the shore. It's this never-ending wave of sadness and regret, it consumes her.

There's no more space for anything else – not even her son. And she recognizes that it shouldn't be like that, that he needs her, but she also needs him and was left behind.

Why couldn't the poison also take her?

But there are moments when she feels more lucid. When she knows she's making a mistake, alienating her brother. It's at those moments where she fully feels the regret – when she asks herself where she goes from here. How will she heal when she already destroyed everything around her? Even her lovingly younger brother can't look at her anymore. Even he has given up on her.

But well, she still has another brother. Considering there's someone taking care of Jin Ling, maybe she can also free Jiang Cheng from her burden and seclude herself in the burial mounds.

He wouldn't miss her for sure.

  "Master, you're sure you don't want to do anything about her?"

He looks at his oldest Spider, no expression on her face but it's easy to imagine what she's thinking.

"No, she has the right to visit her brother," he answers calmly.

"But Madam Jin wil-"

"She knows." Of course, she knows. As soon as Jiang Cheng noticed that her sister was missing, it was obvious to him her destination. He asked some of his spiders to try to track her down, with the strict instruction of observing only.

He didn't want to make her come back, just to ensure that she was fine. She was his sister after all.

So even before the confirmation from the spiders, he had already sent a letter to Madam Jin telling her about his sister's "visit" to the burial mounds. His message was clear: he won't stop his sister, but he's not complying with her actions either. She may go visit whoever she wants, but he won't let any of them enter Lotus Pier.

"Do you need anything, Master?"

"Just warn me when the little frog wakes up."

Jin Ling looks so enamored by the frogs inhabiting the lakes that everyone around Lotus Pier has started calling him a little frog. At first, he had scowled at the name, but with time he also started using it.

What could he do? His nephew was a small, cute frog indeed.

He doesn't even realize that the spider has left, busy with thoughts of his cute nephew.

Later, when they call him because Jin Ling is awake, he won't think about the absence of his sister. He won't think about the boys with no parents. He'll be too busy soothing his little frog, singing a lullaby, and swearing to never leave. He doesn't even notice he spent another day without thinking about Lan Xichen.

But the other man notices.

As he stares at the mirror, he sees how the forget-me-nots seem less vibrant, and lifeless. There are some in his chest disappearing, something that never happened before.

It should be expected, he thinks. After leaving as he did, it's a wonder that there are no cuts on his skin and that the majority of the flowers haven't disappeared.

There are no new forget-me-nots but that doesn't mean Jiang Wanyin's devotion disappeared.

He finds himself softly smiling at the idea of how the other is steadfast in his devotion. It's quickly followed by a grimace, the knowledge that he's been taking advantage of the other. He hurt him to ensure he was not hurt in return.

Now it will be different, he thinks. He moves from his room to the table where he left his writing materials.

The first step is to write a letter to his soulmate. More than a thought, an act of devotion.

Far from cloud recesses, Jin Ling marvels at the daffodil that just bloomed in his jiujiu neck.S

Lan Xichen gets intimately acquainted with how it feels to be frustrated. For each of his sent letters, he always receives a polite reply. Too polite. There's no sense of intimacy or acknowledgment of their bond. Even if he directly addresses it.

His first letters were cautious – he didn't want to seem overbearing. After the third, he started writing small tidbits of his private life, his private thoughts. He started inquiring too – he had a genuine interest in what Jiang Wanyin thinks and enjoys.

But each reply was painfully formal.

He would refer to how the weather was getting colder and how he missed the heat of Lotus Pier, how he dreamed of spending afternoons in the refreshing shades next to the piers. He would ask how the other sect leader feels about the cold. But there would be no reply besides, "The weather in Lotus Pier is also getting colder."

So he changed strategies – he reasoned that if his letter was only about their bond, then he the other man would have to address the matter. No such luck.
Esteemed Sect Leader Lan,

 Your missive was received.
 

Respectfully,
 Sect Leader Jiang
 

Lan Xichen had felt a mix of frustration and warmth when reading the reply. He also understood that he was taking advantage of Jiang Wanyin's position: the man would always feel obliged to reply because he was afraid to start a feud with another sect.

So he sent another letter apologizing for the predicament he caused and ensuring that this correspondence was personal – that if Jiang Wanyin did not reply, their sects would remain friendly.

To make his point, he even signed it as Lan Xichen.

The reply was short but gave him some hope:
 Esteemed Lan Xichen,
 

 Thank you - I'll consider that.
 

Cordially,
Sect Leader Jiang
So he kept sending his letters, too aware that if the situation was frustrating and did not seem to improve, was in large part because he had made more than one mistake in the past.

During their correspondence – or whatever you want to call this one-sided conversation – he noticed that Jiang Wanyin's replies were even shorter when Lan Xichen mentioned Jin Ling in his letters.

It's as if the man was trying to prevent Lan Xichen from using his nephew as a way to become more familiar with him. Those letters usually did not receive any type of reply besides Jiang Wanyin's sign-off.

Still, Lan Xichen doesn't stop mentioning Jin Ling – even if that's a dead giveaway that he won't have much of a response.

He wants to show the other that he's truly interested. Because he is. That was the main reason why he accepted Madam Jin's request to supervise Jin Ling during his stay in Lotus Pier. He truly cared about the boy and wanted the best for him.

And he had seen how Jiang Wanyin treated his nephew – he knew the baby was safe with him. That was also the reason why he had refused his sworn brother's request.

When Jin Guangyao had asked him to refuse Madam Jin's request, claiming that this idea of raising Jin Ling in Lotus Pier was just a play for his throne by the purple sect leader, Lan Xichen had been quick to dismiss him.

"It's obvious that Jiang Wanyin loves his nephew, a-yao."

"And how do you know that, er-ge? Was it your bond that told you?" the man had asked scathingly, leaving Lan Xichen surprised. Who was this cruel man using the secret he had shared again him? It was one of the first times in which he saw the man who Mingjue described insistently.

"Envy is a bad look on you."

"It's better than being naïve."

Had been this the man he so insistently compared to the Jiang Wanyin so long ago? The man that once upon a time he wanted for his soulmate? Had he been looking only at the bright sides of him all this time?

As he struggles to recalibrate this new image of his old friend, Jiang Cheng asks himself why people insist on making his life harder:

"Master, there's an emergency," one of his spiders interrupts his dinner.

"Lady Yanli had just arrived. And she brings others with her."

Jiang Cheng meets his sister and her guests in the throne room.

As one of his spiders took them there, he took the time to change clothes to something more appropriate of a sect leader.

If he opted for robes showcasing his forearms, now littered by daffodils, no one commented on it. It may be petty, but Jiang Cheng never swore to be above it.

He does try to ignore the satisfaction he feels when his sister's eyes widen at seeing the absence of cuts in him.

It's a bit silly that he wants to showcase the proof that he may be a wretched being, but it is still possible to be devoted to him. They may be fleeting things, but those thoughts do occur.

He's so busy monitoring his sister's reaction that he only notices the other persons present in the room when they directly address him.

"Sect Leader Jiang, thank you for receiving us," Lan Wangji's voice breaks the silence, cautiously polite.

Jiang Cheng wonders what changed – where is the hard tone, the subtle accusations that Jiang Cheng is worthless and the one to blame for everything that goes wrong in the world?

"I couldn't refuse your visit, not when you're accompanying my sister. But you must know that you're infringing upon the rules that were set when Wei Wuxian decided to start his sect."

"When he was pushed to start his sect," the other man defends, and there it is, the quiet fury Jiang Cheng was expecting.

"Wei Wuxian made his choices and had to take accountability for them."

"Wei Ying made a sacrifice. A sacrifice for which he was paid with rejection and betr-,"

"a-die, don't be mad," a child interjects.

There's a child with them.

How didn't Jiang Cheng notice it sooner? Perhaps it did not help that the small boy was completely hidden behind Lan Wangji. Even now, he's mostly hidden, only his two big, round eyes are looking at Jiang Cheng.

As soon as his eyes meet the boy's eyes, he tries to hide again, to not even a second later peek again at him.

When Jiang Cheng lifts his eyebrow, the boy giggles. Importantly, Lan Wangji's posture relaxes, as if reminded of something important.

His ears are painted red, and Jiang Cheng remembers. Remembers his brother's message about a nephew, and the comment that Lan Wangji agrees with them meeting each other.

As the giggles echo through the room, Jiang Cheng realizes that he's looking at family. Even if the relationship with his brother is strained, this kid is family.

Adoration blooms in his chest. Too much for him to even question what's exactly the role of Lan Wangji in all of this. He bends to the kid's height and softly says:

"Hello."

There's a familiar sparkle in the kid's eyes when he replies: "Shushu, you're prettier than baba drawings," he giggles again.

Jiang Cheng laughs, taken back by the shameless comment, so painfully familiar.

"a-yuan," Lan Wangji says in what Jiang Cheng thinks must be his chastising voice "politeness is a requirement when talking to sect leaders."

Now he snorts, "That's precious coming from you," he comments, and to his pleasure, Lan Wangji's ears darken. At least the man still feels embarrassed.

"How would you like to meet your cousin?" he asks turning again his attention to the boy.

Only when referring to Jin Ling, does Yali finally say something:

"How is he?" she asks with fear.

"Fine, you can see him if you want," I won't stop you from seeing you, is what he doesn't say. But I'll be watching you – another thing he fails to mention. "You're all probably tired from the trip here. My spiders will take you to the visiting quarters for you to refresh yourselves, and we can all have dinner later before you return. Meanwhile, I'll take this young master to meet his gremlin of a cousin."

"Sect leader, should I retire to visitors' quarters too?"

Oh, that's new.

"I wasn't the one making you leave, Yanli," he says addressing his sister. "You were the one who chose to. If you want to keep this silly charade you have going on, fine, use those quarters. If you want to come back home, fully, your quarters remain untouched. Do whatever you want, I have more important matters to attend to," he finishes giving his hand to the boy, who shyly takes it, and leaves the room.

When dinner times come, Yanli requests to skip so she can help with feeding Jin Ling. Jiang Cheng obliges.

But his spiders know without hearing a word that it's their job to ensure that nothing happens to his small frog. a-yuan also asks his father if he can help feed Jin Ling, and Jiang Cheng wouldn't believe that Lan Wangji could look with such adoration to someone if he hadn't witnessed it.

So it's only them having dinner, the tension heavy as if they were ready to go to war.

Despite Lan Wangji not being part of the Lan sect anymore, Jiang Cheng waits for him to finish his meals before he starts grilling him with questions – because he has several.

Being the first: "Why were you the one accompanying my sister?"

There's a brief glimpse of irritation in the other face.

"Someone had to accompany her, and contrary to some, we don't have hordes of servants at our disposal."

"Now tell me the truth, please. Because for sure you know as well as me that I had servants stationed nearby the burial mounds to accompany her when, and if, she wanted to come back."

The other man's shoulders drop a bit, probably admitting his defeat.

"We, Wei Wuxian, were worried about her situation," a few seconds pass until he reluctantly adds "and yours too".

Seeing that Jiang Cheng doesn't show any sign of wanting to interrupt him, he continues, "She was distressed when she arrived. She said she needed help, and that Wei Ying had to intervene because he was her last resort. And he was going to – he was prepared to fight for her. He was mad that someone had hurt her. And I was right by his side. Until she mentioned you. You were unflinching and too stubborn to try to fight for Jin Zixuan. It did not make sense. We're mostly excluded from the cultivation world, but we still knew that he was dead. Wei Ying became cautious then. He noticed that something was wrong with her – her narrative didn't make sense most of the days. Mostly, he was quite adamant that you would never give up on her," Jiang Cheng didn't miss the focus on the 'he'.

"Wen Qing observed her but did not notice any physical anomaly. But Wei Ying insisted that something was off. One day she had a breakdown and started demanding for him to do something, to pay his debt to her, to you."

"I never s-"

"He didn't believe her words. He suspects that she's battling some mental conundrum grief-related. So, he asked me to come with her so that we could talk. He wants to help, but he doesn't know how."

"Why wasn't he the one to come?" Jiang Cheng doesn't resist asking.

"Because he won't get near you unless you consent to it. And even stepping on Lotus Pier gates is too close, according to him."

"You don't agree with his distance," he notices.

"This was his home too."

"It still is."

"How can it be if you don't let him in?"

"It was never a permanent thing, he knew that."

"But you still kept him away from his home."

"As I've told you earlier, my brother made mistakes and now has to pay the price," he sneers.

"He sacrificed everything for you, and you pay him like this," he knows, Jiang Cheng thinks.

"What do you know about his sacrifice? " he demands.

"He never told me, but I know that something is missing in him. Something that you miraculously regained," it's Lan Wangji's turn to sneer. This must be why the Lan are taught to always look composed, he thinks.

"You share a child, don't you find it weird that he won't share that with you?," he knows it's a cheap shot, but the stricken look on Lan Wangji's face is worth it.

"It's because of you because you wouldn't like anyone to know your secret." Such a fool.

"He wants to keep me safe, but mostly he's silent because he's ashamed." Lan Wangji prepares to interrupt him, but he lifts his hand to stop him. "You're right, something is missing in him, something that I have recovered. He did make a sacrifice. But I didn't ask him to. I can't talk for him, but I'm pretty sure that the silence is nothing but an admission of guilt. He didn't tell you what happened because there's nothing much more to say besides 'I violated his trust'. Because that's what happened."

"He gave you his core, he d-"

"I didn't want him to!" he screams while standing up. "I didn't ask him to violate me in such a way. To use my body as an experiment to test a theory he had. I never consented to it. I would never consent to it. But I do have his core, so do the math oh mighty Hanguang-Jun. Accept that for all my faults, which are many, this is not on me. This secret between you and him is the fruit of his shame and not my wrath. And don't ever again suggest, or even think, that I would ask my brother to make such sacrifice for me,” there are no tears, even if he’s crying inside. “Why would I sacrifice myself and then ask him to sacrifice in return?" he whispers the ending, mainly lost in his own thoughts.

Lan Wangji is too perplexed to reply. There's something inside of him creasing for him to not believe. But he knows he should – everything that Jiang Cheng said makes sense.

It fits the words left unsaid by Wei Ying, it fits his insistence regarding consent and boundaries. It makes sense, but it also means that Lan Wangji was unfair.

That he behaved unrighteously.

And he expects the other to throw that in his face – but the accusation never comes. On the contrary, with a tired face, Jiang Cheng only adds:

"Speaking about brothers, I warned yours that you're here. I won't lie – It was a political move, I can't afford any of the other sects thinking I'm plotting with you. But I also did it because I know he misses you. Don't be stupid – wait for him".

And he leaves.

The rest of the night, he expects the cuts to appear – the moment in which Lan Xichen reads his letters. But they never come, not even when he meets with the other sect leader the next morning.

Instead, a small daffodil appears when he greets the man:

"I hope you had safe travel. Your brother is taking care of our nephew, but he'll be available soon."

Lan Xichen smiles in reply.

Because Jiang Cheng understands how privacy is a luxury, he lets Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji talk in his office.

There's a part of him that resents how it's easy for the two of them to reconnect, contrary to him and Wei Wuxian. But he drowns those thoughts in his disciples' training.

He looks at the younger ones and thinks that it's a miracle they're alive and here, in front of him. It's a miracle there's still a sect and forms to learn. And he swears once again to teach them everything he knows.

He'll teach them personally, without breaking their spirits.

It helps that Jin Ling – strapped to his chest – blabbers at the different techniques and, in turn, the disciples giggle in response.

His disciples are efficient and ruthless, but still able to feel, to laugh. They're all humans after all. And it's because he's a human, contrary to the monster most think resides inside his head that later when his sister asks to speak with him, he acquiesces.

A-yuan is with the Lan brothers and one of his spiders is looking after Jin Ling. They stare at each other and Jiang Cheng wonders how did they get here?

When did he stop being able to read Yanli's eyes?

"Everyone says you're too similar to her, that you have too little of our father, and I never agreed with it. Not truly” his sister starts. "But there was a day in which I woke up and there was nothing. No parents, almost no friends, no sect. And I wondered that perhaps if that was true if you were a little bit more like her, maybe it would drown my sorrow. Perhaps this feeling of missing a limb would disappear." He understands the feeling – searching for the people they lost in others. "So I tried to see it. I forgot that you were my brother – my little, lovely brother – and I searched for the echoes of them in you. And when I didn't find them because fortunately, you're your person, I resented you. Completely unfair but I wasn't able to control my heart" she confesses.

“I kept on resenting you, specifically when I was in that snake pit, and it became clear that I was nothing more than a target – an easy one. Because while you don't resemble any of them, that didn't stop you from striving to be the best – to learn." Her voice trembles in the same way her body shakes, but Yanli doesn’t give up. “I was now in the middle of all that gold, realizing that it didn't matter if I wanted to play a fair game if the other players were willing to cheat their way to victory. I had too much pride in my morals and didn't want to ask for help. Silly, isn't it?"

"I would ha-," he starts but is quickly interrupted.

"Oh, I knew I could count on you," she says taking his hand. It's so warm, Jiang Cheng thinks. I missed this, he doesn't dare to say. "And that was worse in some way, it made me feel more of a burden, that you had so much to give and I nothing in return," she squeezes his hand. "When Zixuan became ill, I couldn't, I just... He was a part of me, and I won't be whole again. Maybe I'll be able to smile truthfully, but this gap won't disappear. And you were there, so willing to protect me, to put everything on the line for me. But I just wanted to hurt."

Jiang Cheng marvels at how warm her hand feels. "And I didn't want to be alone in my hurt. I know I wasn't fair, a-cheng. I was spiteful and selfish, and you were the only support I had. You protected my son. But I was blinded by sorrow. No. I was blinded by my resentment – by my need to set the world on fire." He didn’t expect to hear this confession. "Being a wife was one of the few things I ever felt I was good at, loving someone – and it was gone. And I couldn't give up on him, I still can't. But I've come to realize that there is still a life for me – this path is not the only way."

Breathing deeply, she continues, "I will not apologize, a-cheng. Not today. I want to, but I'm afraid you'll forgive me easily, and I don't deserve it. But you must know that those things I said were not a true reflection of what I feel for you. I wanted to hurt you and I took advantage of your weaknesses." Jiang Cheng squeezes her hand, silently telling his sister that he’s listening to her. “I won't ask for forgiveness, not today. But I want you to know I'll strive to be a better sister."

Yanli smiles – It's a brittle thing, too frail to be considered something besides sorrow. She smiles but he's still looking at their joint hands.

“How did you realize all of this?" it's obvious from her expression that she doesn't expect this question.

" Was the time with Wei Wuxian?" was he the one giving the clarity that I failed to give you all this time, he wants to ask.

"During our journey here, a-yuan told me he wanted to meet his cousin, that they would be like brothers. He commented that he'd protect Jin Ling from all the bad monsters and give him the best hugs. There was no mention of debt, of being loved in return – of being an exchange. It was a child that made me realize my past mistakes. It also helped that with time the fog created by my sorrow started to lift”.

Jiang Cheng disentangles his hands from hers and stands up – he has to move, there's a lot for him to process. He turns his back to his sister and leaves the room, but backtracks to add:

"I didn't give up on you before, I won't do it now. But I won't wait forever for that apology. Not anymore."

As he goes to his private quarters he gives clear instructions to his spiders and second in command that he won't be attending any commitments for the rest of the day.

They shouldn't bother him unless it's something related to Jin Ling.

When he enters his quarters, he starts stripping from his robes. It's hasty and careless and there are some rips at the end, but he doesn't care.

There is a pier at the back of his quarters, and as soon as he gets barefoot, he becomes one with the water. He lets his body drift away, trying to empty his mind.

Right now, he's not the sect leader, the heir, the youngest. He's not a disappointment, cruel, or emotionless. It doesn't matter if he resembles his mother or is too different from his father. At that moment he's nothing – and that's a relief. No expectations are weighing him down, no harsh reality.

He just wants to be nothing for a moment, to let his mind drift – this is the most careless he allows himself to be.

He doesn't notice how much time he spends inside the water, or the time he spends napping in the sun.

This afternoon, he's nothing.

So it doesn't matter there are sect leaders he has to attend to, political ties to care for, and a brother-in-law to say goodbye to. He's nothing.

He'll be nothing until the next day when his spiders inform him of Lan Wangji and the kid's departure and how Lan Xichen had to leave as well. And he'll feel something – he'll feel a bit hurt that for all the letters, Lan Xichen did not try harder to see him.

It won't be hate, but it will be the closest thing to resentment he felt for the other man until now.

It won't cut him, but it could someday.

And his spiders, his disciples won't tell him.

They won't explain how the other sect leader looked sad and disappointed – how he tried to find excuses to stick around.

They won't tell him that the men insisted on meeting Jiang Cheng, and even tried to use Jin Ling as an excuse. They won't explain how they had to explain to him several times that their sect leader wasn't available.

They won't tell him about the sorrow in his eyes.

Because they remember the smell of blood and the cuts. And they won't fail Jiang Cheng, not this time, not when everybody else failed him.

Lan Xichen may have noticed him now, but he'll have to prove himself because they do remember.

Blood is paid with blood.
 

**

Part of the agreement between Madam Jin and Jiang Cheng regarding Jing Ling is that besides night hunts, Jin Ling should accompany his uncle in his travels.

Madam Jin trusted his custody to Jiang Cheng, not the Jiang Yunmeng sect.

And this is why when the next sect conference arrives – three weeks after Yanli's return – Jiang Cheng has to travel to Gusu with a baby strapped to his chest.

The baby is also the reason why he arrives earlier than his entourage.

He also wants to believe that Jin Ling is the reason why, for once, Lan Xichen is waiting for him at the entrance of Cloud Recesses.

“Sect Leader Jiang," the man greets him with a gentle smile.

"Sect Leader Lan, thank you for receiving us. I apologize for inconveniencing you."

"No, don't apologize. Please, follow me. I'll take you to the quarters we prepared for you and your nephew." He follows Lan Xichen, surprised by how Jin Ling keeps sleeping, not even stirring when another voice is present.

"I hope my request didn't give you too much trouble."

"No, of course not. Anything for a friend," the words prickled his skin, but he couldn't refute them. Not when he had taken advantage of their newfound friendship to ask for quarters from Jin Ling.

As soon as Jiang Cheng realized that Jin Ling would have to accompany him, instead of sending an official letter to sect leader Lan explaining his situation, he replied to one of the many Lan Xichen letters asking him for different quarters than usual.

It was also a way to distract Lan Xichen from their soulmate business, a recurring theme in his letters.

The rooms are austere, as expected from the Gusu Lan sect, but larger than usual.

Next to his bed, there is a small cot. There is a fluffy blanket resting in it, next to a bunny toy. Jiang Cheng looks at Lan Xichen, eyebrows raised and the other man just smiles.

"Do you want to rest, sect leader Jiang, or would you be available to drink some tea?"

"Is that an invite?"

"Yes, always an invitation, never a demand," Jiang Cheng feels tired, body heavy after spending hours traveling while carrying a baby. But there's a small voice in his mind telling him to seize this opportunity.

How many times in the past did he dream of private tea time with Lan Xichen? The opportunity to have his undivided attention.

So he accepts the invite and once again follows him.

He wonders where they're going as he realizes that he doesn't recognize this specific path.

"I thought we probably would feel more comfortable in the Hanshi, my private rooms.”

Jiang Cheng controls his tongue, swallowing the words that threaten to leave his lips: is this how you treat the people you care for? Are Nie Mingjue and Meng Yao frequent visitors to these rooms? Why are you taking me here? What does this mean? But he doesn't give in to his desires.

His mother taught him manners and he mentally recapitulates those lessons as Lan Xichen prepares the tea.

He doesn't try to snoop around, take in the decoration of the room, or see if there's any hint of who Lan Xichen is behind doors He wants to discover it, but with the other consent.

And he does.

Jiang Cheng realizes that behind doors Lan Xichen is an awkward man.

The first sign is how he fiddles with his teacup, opening his mouth several times as if wanting to speak, but not knowing what to say Jiang Cheng could help him, but he's having fun. The second sign is what he does say when he finally speaks:

"So, what brought you here?" Lan Xichen asks and as he processes his own words, a flush starts to take over his face.

"Did you hit you heard while making the tea?" is a bit more snarky than Jiang Cheng allows himself to be in the other presence, but his reaction is propelled by the other blush.

"No. I th- maybe? It's hard knowing what to say in person.”

"You never had a problem before."

"I was treating you as a fellow sect leader most of those times."

 "And now you aren't?"

 "No. I respect you as one, but I want to be something closer than that," Jiang Cheng wants to ask him why. If it is because of the flowers they share – because the other man fears the day Jiang Cheng will hate him. But he's afraid.

He doesn't want to live a lie, but for once, there's something at his reach and he wants to enjoy it.

So instead he blurts:

"Is this because I'm holding a baby? Because that's really bad criteria to have a crush on someone you know? You shouldn't want to be closer to someone because they wake up your daddy issues".

He cannot stop the words from falling out of his mouth, "It's just that this fantasy that you have going on, it's a lie. Babies may seem cute, but they're little monsters. This image you're seeing right now it's a lie. There are days in which I can't bathe myself because this small frog won't stop screaming."

First, Lan Xichen's eyes widen, then his mouth falls softly open until there is a laugh.

This is the louder Jiang Cheng ever heard a Lan being, and he's mesmerized. But not enough to stop his ramblings:

"Sect Leader Nie was also all 'humans with babies are hot' and then started going around my sect shirtless. I won't stand for you doing the same, Lan Xichen. I won't. Not only it's shameless, but my disciples won't survive."

“Oh, you used Lan Xichen to refer to me."

"That was the only thing you retained from my word vomit? I'm pretty sure that I just gave you a handful of reasons for you to break the ties between our sects."

Jiang Cheng doesn't fully recognize himself – this carelessness with his words, a byproduct of being flustered and relaxed for once in his life. He wonders if life was different this could be him.

If this snarky, ironic but sure of himself version could be his regular self. But he doesn't get stuck in this thought for too long. Lan Xichen replies:

"No, I also noticed how you assumed I have a crush on you and that you find me hot. Too hot to handle apparently," and you would expect him to be wearing a smirk, but there is a radiant smile instead.

**

Jin Ling may be a fussy baby, but he endures the first day of the sect conference without any tantrums. Jiang Cheng thinks that other sect leaders should learn one thing or another from him.

But they're too afraid to even look at him and the baby.

He knew it was a gamble to have the baby attending the conference. The others would either perceive him as too weak to let his nephew out of his sight or as an attempt to hide behind his duties as an uncle.

Or as a taunt – look at me, so comfortable in my position and my power. So sure of himself that I won't even ask your permission to bring a baby to these meetings.

Fortunately, for Jiang Cheng, most sect leaders focused on the second option, that this choice was a proclamation of power. And not a demand by Madam Jin.

The same woman relegated Jin Guangyao to the back of the room, opting for being the one leading the Jin entourage.

Madam Jin is still too hurt by the loss of her son to even properly look at her grandchild.

But he understands grief works in different ways.

While his grief pushes him to forgive the remaining family he has, hers leads to distance. He hopes that'll change – Jin Ling deserves to know his grandmother and be loved by her.

Honestly, for Jiang Cheng, the baby that is now gnawing on Zidian deserves the world. If not the world, at least a peaceful lake in which to be happy.

"Isn't that dangerous?" Lan Xichen asks and Jiang Cheng realizes that beside him and the baby, only Lan and Nie Mingjue are still in the room.

"What?"

"I think he's referring to Zidian,” Mingjue helps.

"Zidian would never hurt him," because I would never do such a thing, is what he doesn't add. Both men stare at each other, Jin Ling is oblivious to what's happening until Nie Mingjue decides to pick the baby up from Jiang Cheng's lap.

"I and this fella are going to take a nap.”

“It's almost dinner time," Jiang Cheng blurts not understanding what's happening.

"I'll feed him then," and seeing that Jiang Cheng is going to complain, continues "Look at this smile. This big frog sure missed me. C'mon, let me bond with my nephew-in-law."

Nie Mingjue is the most shameless man and Jiang Cheng regrets the day he accepted to be his friend.

"You're so infuriating," but the words are not enough to hide the blush spreading through his face. Or how Lan Xichen isn't moving, a serious look on his face.

Bouncing Jin Ling in his arms, Nie Mingjue just replies, "I'm just messing with Lan Xichen. And I'm taking my leave now."

The words make Lan Xichen's ears redden, and Jiang Cheng wonders.

Did Lan Xichen tell his friend what happened? How they kind of bantered yesterday? Did he confess to the other that not only Jiang Cheng is his soulmate, but that he decided to choose him? That he trying to win him over because he sees something in Jiang Cheng?

No. Because he sees something in their bond.

But before Jiang Cheng can ask, Lan Xichen intervenes:

"I need to talk to you – I received a letter from Lan Wangji today". And despite not knowing its content, Jiang Cheng can already feel the dread.
They meet in the Hanshi – Jiang Cheng is trying to not fiddle with his clothes and tame any signs of discomfort.

When Lan Xichen puts a cup of tea in front of him, he wonders if there is alcohol somewhere in this house. The Lan supposedly don't drink alcohol, but everyone has vices. And Jiang Cheng has realized in the last months that the man staring at him is a human like everyone else.

There must be something helping him achieve his usual calmness.

"I discussed with my brother the possibility of our nephew coming to Cloud Recesses to learn," this is it. The beginning of the end.

"Okay," and what does that have to do with Jiang Cheng?

"You may not remember, but as a member of the new Yiling sect, he cannot leave their camp."

Jiang Cheng did remember that he simply didn't remember that a child also has to follow the rules. Even if it's a cute one such as a-yuan.

He also remembers what that means: Lan Wangji and the kid were transgressing that rule when they accompanied Yanli to Lotus Pier.

"He's a kid. I'm sure you would be able to convince the other sect leaders that it would be harmless if he were to spend some time here," Jiang Cheng says calmly, trying to not think about where the conversation is going.

"My brother said the same," the man smiles. "He just asked for a-yuan to be allowed to keep contact with his family – that's what today's letter was about.”

"I don't see a problem with that," or why you asked to speak with me, Jiang Cheng thinks.

"Me neither. I've been thinking about this matter since I saw him in Lotus Pier. I think it may be time for us to change some of the rules."

Jiang Cheng doesn't give a reply right away, opting to focus on the daffodil that decorates his right index finger, almost snuggled to Zidian.

"We were afraid of Wei Wuxian's power at the time, but it's inhumane to ask them to live their entire lives in the burial mounds." And Jiang Cheng somewhat agrees. At the time, limiting Wei Wuxian to the burial mounds had been a necessity. He had to ensure that neither the man's presence nor his power, was a threat to his sect. He also wanted – still wants – to keep the man away from him particularly, but that could be achieved in simpler ways.

"Okay, I don't see the problem in that – changing the rules to give them more freedom," they just have to convince the rest of the cultivation world.

Easy.

"I knew you wouldn’t," the man replies happily, and the daffodil Jiang Cheng is watching pulses with life. "I'm aware that the other sect leaders may be a bit difficult to convince, but I think it will help a lot for you to speak on behalf of Wei Wuxian."

What?

“- and invite him to Lotus Pier. That would show that you have patched up all your differences."

Jiang Cheng thanks his mother for the rigorous training to be a sect leader because that's the only thing keeping him from trembling at hearing Lan Xichen's words.

Invite him? That man? To his home? To the place for which he fought tooth and nail to make it safe again?

No.

He couldn't even fathom that possibility.

He loved his brother, yes. And he wanted to work on their relationship, but not like this. He has been preparing, but not…

Not this.

He's ready for tiny baby steps, not for leaps and bounds.

He still had nightmares. There were nights in which he would wake up soaking with fear, asking himself if it was only the core. If there was anything else inside him that did not belong to him.

If his life, his disciples, his nephew, if all of that was his, or had he stolen that too? His voice is shaky when he replies:

"I won't do that," he can't do that, but that's a vulnerability he doesn't want to show. He sees how his words ripple through the other.

“But Wanyin, that would help their situation," the man pleads. And Jiang Cheng almost flounders.

Isn't this what he was taught to do? To sacrifice himself over and over, give and giving until there's nothing else besides his wishing thoughts. But he thinks about his disciples, about the spiders and the aunties in the lotus pier kitchen. He tries to focus on their words, their nagging about how he cannot do everything on his own, and how he has to take care of himself.

How there's no life to live if he keeps giving parts of himself away.

So he repeats:

"I won't do that." His voice doesn't shake now, his back is straight, and Zidian shows briefly her displeasure. The daffodil next to her begins to pale.

"I urge you to think better," there's less of a pleading tone in Lan Xichen's voice and more of a demand. "You just said you agreed with me, that you think they should have more freedom."

"And I do. But don't misunderstand my words. I'll stand by them having more freedom, but I won't boast about Wei Wuxian. I won't say we buried the hatchet when that's not true. I haven't talked to him properly since he left. And I'm not ready to do it yet."

"Because you're too afraid?" Lan Xichen taunts him. "Are you so weak that you can't admit you made a mistake?"

"A mistake?"

"Oh, Wanyin. Wei Wuxian may have said to everyone he was defecting your sect, but I knew since the start you were the one pushing him away."

"And do you know why?" Jiang Cheng's heart is in his throat, almost leaping to the outside with the possibility that all this time, Lan Xichen knew his secret. Or at least suspected. Had an inkling of what had been done to him.

"I figured it would have something to do with leading your sect, ensuring he was not a threat to your leadership," the man comments while sipping his tea, and for a moment Jiang Cheng observes another gold-wearing smaller man in his place.

“You thought I sent my brother away because of power? That I turned my back to the family I still had because I wanted to secure my throne?"

"You were desperate at the time, Wanyin. We could all see it – how you were hellbent on protecting your people, your peers."

And you did nothing, he wants to scream. You all saw it, how broken and lost I was, and you did nothing

"This is all bullshit," he wheezes as he starts laughing. At this point, he doesn't even care that the older male is looking at him as if he lost his mind. He didn’t.

"These flowers, it's bullshit. Thoughts of devotion, soulmates, finding the one – it's all lies they feed you with. These," he points to the daffodils sprinkled through his arm "are only proof that you don't know me. These are just proof that some lustful and complimentary thoughts don't build a relationship. Because I assure you, Lan Xichen, those flowers you have on your skin wouldn't exist if I knew you're like this inside," he spits standing up.

And those words make the other react:

"Wanyin, I'm just asking you for a favor. I just want to ensure my brother, our brothers, come back. Imagine, we could all be happy together, we co- I understand what you're saying… You're not ready, but that doesn't mean this between us could not result.”

“I don't want to be happy with you," the words are followed by Zidian snapping the daffodil next to her until only a smudge on his skin remains. "I don't want to have anything to do with you. And I wonder what changed, why you now want me." He breathes deeply and attacks, "Did you realize, Xichen, that you're not better than me? That someday people will figure out how you're greedy, how you like to know others love you and look up to you, and you are afraid they would leave you? Is this why you're trying to string me along? Because these years have shown you how I was deeply, utterly devoted to you? Even when you left me behind when you refused to see this bond? Are you trying to keep me by your side because your vanity doesn't allow you to consider a reality where those forget-me-nots do not exist?”

"Because let me tell you, it's a lie. You see the absence of cuts on your skin as proof that I'll never hate you, I'll never leave you behind. And it was. A long time ago, it was all of that. But now? Look at my life, I don't have the time to waste on hating you."

Jiang Cheng leaves the Hanshi. And when Lan Xichen tries to follow him, a spider stops him.

"You don't want to make a scene, sect Leader Lan," she almost spits his title. But he understands. He failed. He needs time to correct things.

Jiang Cheng doesn't cry.

The advantage of taking care of Jin Ling – besides the obvious happiness he feels at seeing the small frog grow up – is that he cannot allow himself the luxury of dwelling on his emotions when he has to take care of him.

So he postpones that moment.

When later he finds himself alone in bed, the silence of Cloud Recesses engulfs him, and the tears don't appear. His body feels heavy but there is a certain clarity permeating his mind.

It's as if the exchange of words he had with Lan Xichen unlocked something inside him. And it did.

He stood up for himself.

It's something he has been working on in the last few months – the belief that he's worth fighting for, that he deserves something whole, and not only the scraps. 

If no one else will fight for him, at least he'll try. But that's unfair, right? He knows that outside this room, there are a few people who have been fighting for him.

Yes, he's been so busy sometimes that it's difficult to keep up with things, but he's not blind. He's aware that his disciples have pledged allegiance to him, not the sect. The rumors about the stone-faced Yunmeng disciples contrast with the sunny faces he sees daily.

This need to protect? He recognizes it.

Having to wear a mask, and portray a different persona so others will leave you alone, he has mastered it. So it's also because of them that he refuses to give up on himself.

He refuses to accept a love that is based on flimsy flowers. But mostly, it's because he deserves better, regardless of what others may think or whisper. He's the master of three poisons but that doesn't mean he has to let himself drown in them. No, it means that better than anyone else, he knows how to avoid them.

He doesn't cry, but he doesn't sleep either.

A significant part of his night is spent observing the mark on his index finger – the only thing that remains from the daffodil that Zidian zapped away. And he wonders if he could use Zidian to get ridden of the other flowers that litter his skin. But perhaps that would be spending too much energy on someone who doesn't deserve it.

He also wonders why there are no cuts. And as soon as this thought crosses his mind, he realizes how sick it is that this was the reaction he expected. And how unfair it is for everyone who is involved in this because we all hate others sometimes.

It's part of dealing with other humans.

The sect conference lasts two more days and if anyone else notices the frostiness between him and Lan Xichen, no one comments it.

Jiang Cheng leaves for Lotus Pier believing this is the end.

When two weeks pass and there are no letters from the Lan sect leader, he lets himself believe it's over.

(The new daffodils that appear on his legs and back? He ignores them, they're certainly a mistake. A glitch)

So he doesn't expect to be awoken at dawn, one of his spiders frantically knocking at his door. Remembering fire and screams, he quickly gets up from the bed, wrenching the door open.

"Se- Sect Leader, they're here," there's a tremor in her voice, but it's not fear.

"Who?" he asks already on the move, not expecting a reply. It's easy to figure out who 'they' are – Jiang Cheng follows the feeling of intrusion spreading through Lotus Pier, the whispers of his spiders.

He expects to see Lan Wangji and his brother.

And he's half right – his brother is in one of his sect rooms, too worriedly pacing from one side to the other, hand tugging at his hair.

But it's not Lan Wangji the Lan by his side.

"a-cheng, how are you feeling?" Wei Wuxian asks, getting closer to Jiang Cheng, hands reaching for him, but stopping before being able to touch him.

Jiang Cheng doesn't know what he's feeling. There's happiness from seeing his brother after so long. He looks healthier – there's a slight tan on his skin and a large, blooming flower on his neck.

But his happiness is infested by fear – worry that his brother is here to take more things from him.

Anger because he did not consent to his visit.

He's not prepared yet.

Disappointed in himself because he wants to hug Wei Wuxian but is too afraid of touching the other to do it.

"I didn't say you could come here," he says, completely disregarding Wei Wuxian's question.

Wei Wuxian looks at him and Lan Xichen, confusion etched on his skin.

“Zewu-jun told me you urgently needed my help, that's why I didn't wait for you t-"

"Your help? With what?" Jiang Cheng interrupts him, eyes now fixed on Lan Xichen, finally taking in the older man’s figure.

He looks thinner, with dark circles etched on his skin. When Wei Wuxian gets ready to reply, Jiang Cheng motions for him to shut up, while still staring at Lan Xichen.

"Sect Leader Lan, what's the meaning of this?" his voice is pure ice and the Lan leader flinches.

"Wanyin, you were right. These flowers, they're meaningless. We should not choose to be together because of them."

" And Wei Wuxian fits in all of that?"

"I know you've missed him, I wanted to show you I care about you and help you reach him."

Jiang Cheng feels the fury spreading through his veins, Zidian signaling his rage.

"a-cheng, I didn't know about this. He told me you were sick and I just..."

I just acted, is what Wei Wuxian doesn't say. And Jiang Cheng gets it – it has been their downfall before. Wei Wuxian thought he had to save Jiang Cheng and act without thinking things through.

"I know you said I had to wait for your consent to come here, but when Zewu-jun said you needed me, I ju- Lan do not lie and I... I'll go if you want. Just say the word."

But while Jiang Cheng doesn't want Wei Wuxian to be in Lotus Pier, he wants even less to be by himself with Lan Xichen. There's something off with the man.

"Now that you brought my brother, you can leave Sect Leader Lan."

"But Wanyin, this is just the first part of my gift to you. I've come to tell you I want us to be together."

"Sect Leader Lan, I've already told you th-"

"No Wanyin, you don't understand. I want to break the bond between us."

"You what?" Jiang Cheng doesn't miss how Wei Wuxian moves, positioning himself between Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen, as if afraid that the older man is going to attack Jiang Cheng.

"I've told you, you were right. These flowers, this bond is meaningless. Let's break it. Let's break it and be together."

There are so many things wrong with that statement, that Jiang Cheng doesn't even know where to start.

"Zewu-jun, that... you know what it entails, right?"

Breaking a soulmate bond is both dangerous and tricky. The consequences for the person who initiates it are harsh – the registered cases show that the individuals become frail, unable to perform the simplest of tasks, finding them too taxing.

Even a powerful cultivator such as Lan Xichen would struggle to recover from such an act.

"You wouldn't be able to lead your sect," Jiang Cheng reasons.

"But I would be with you, Wanyin. And if both of us try to break the bond, we'll both share the consequences and be together in facing them."

"My brother won't do such a thing," Wei Wuxian intervenes.

"I brought you here to make peace with your brother, Wei Wuxian, but do not mingle in our affairs or decide things for him."

"As you're trying to do, Zewu-jun?"

"I just want us to be happy together."

Jiang Cheng loses it: "But I don't want you! I don't want to be with you! Weren't you listening to me the last time we spoke? I've told you that this thing between us has no future. These flowers are an indication of nothing more besides misfortune."

“You said that the flowers were the problem."

"No, we are the problem. You are the problem. Are you even listening to yourself? You want to break this bond and lose your physical independence for a relationship that doesn't even exist. Are you that desperate?”

"I love you, Wanyin," the man says brokenly, floundering in his steps. And Jiang Cheng is not an evil man – he could be, but he's too tired for that.

He prefers to give himself a chance to be better. So he approaches the other, a gentle hand in his face, and says:

"No, you don't. You don't love me, Lan Xichen. And apparently, you don't love yourself either, if you're willing to damage yourself for something that doesn't exist. Even if it existed, if there was a shot for us to be together, this type of decision should be made because you want, and not because you want to please me."

"Wanyin, but I do love you," the man says crying silently.

"No, you're simply afraid that you'll be alone forever. So you spent the last few weeks trying to convince yourself that you do love me, thinking about me," Jiang Cheng doesn't comment on how it could be a trap – how Lan Xichen's incessant thoughts, the daffodils now in his skin, could be a cheap shot to convince Jiang Cheng to say yes to this stupid idea.

"This idea of yours doesn't make any sense, and I urge you to think it through," Jiang Cheng steps back. "But you're an adult and the decision is ultimately yours".

Jiang Cheng turns his back, motioning Wei Wuxian to follow him.

"Wanyin, wher-"

"I'm leaving, Sect Leader Lan. You're welcome to stay here the time you want, I'll have my spiders keep an eye on you. Without turning to Lan Xichen, he adds: "You know, I thought of it in the past. When I realized I had a soulmate, of how horrible it could be. I thought about getting rid of this link between us, but my sect was too fragile. It would have been selfish of me at the time."

"My sect is still fragile, it always will be because it's my child. And now I do have a child to take care of. So I won't endanger myself because of this stupid link. Do whatever you want, Sect Leader Lan, but don't drag me to your mess."

As he leaves the room, his brother follows closely, he asks:

"Wei Wuxian, would you like to drink some wine at that inn we used to go to?"

 He doesn't explicitly say "not in Lotus Pier", but he knows his brother got it.

"Yes, anything you want, a-cheng."

  **

"Jiujiu!" a golden-clad boy screams and Jiang Cheng's heart soars.

It doesn't matter what happens, Jin Ling's voice will always be one of his favorite things to hear.

A few seconds later a small body hits his legs, small hands clambering for attention. He acquiesces easily, pocking the boy up and smothering him in kisses and hugs.

"Missed you, jiujiu," then, leaning closer, he whispers "Missed fairy too".

Jiang Cheng marvels at the attentiveness of the four-year-old – whispering about his four-legged pet, not wanting to startle Wei Wuxian.

"This little lemon spent the entire time saying 'my jiujiu this, my jiujiu that'. He talked so much about you that now A-yuan, my precious baby, wants to spend a few months in Lotus Pier too. Away from me," Wei Wuxian almost bawls and Jiang Cheng grins.

"I already told him that he could spend all the time he wants here, but he says he can't be away from his turnips more than a weekend."

As expected, Wei Wuxian reacts dramatically at that:

"Replaced by turnips! I spent twenty hours birthing him -"

"He's adopted."

"And now he replaces me with turnips. Me? The only parent he has that lets him eat sweets!"

Jiang Cheng considers telling him how A-yuan seemed to be reluctant to stay away from his parents too, but Jin Ling speaks before him:

"He's loud," Jiang Cheng laughs at the scandalized look on Wei Wuxian's face.

They don't dwell much on goodbyes – Wei Wuxian saying he'll bring Yanli to Lotus Pier next week and Jiang Cheng reaffirming that A-yuan can come anytime he wants.

By the time Wei Wuxian leaves, Jin Ling snores softly.

The boy is tired from the travel and all the adventures he surely had at the Burial Mounds.

Yanli has taken to spend half a year in Lotus Pier and the other half at the Burial Mounds When she's there, Jin Ling spends a week per month there.

Jiang Cheng is proud of his sister and how she's working on her relationship with her son. But he still notices how Jin Ling doesn't truly confide in her, how he relies on him more than her.

Time is needed for some wounds.

He's also proud of how he and Wei Wuxian and the effort they've made to become true brothers again. Wei Wuxian still isn't allowed inside Lotus Pier, and Jiang Cheng still keeps some things for him instead of sharing, but they're working on it.

They'll get there.

As he puts Jin Ling in his small bed, he marvels at the tiny lotus that ornament his hands.

How they fit there better than any other daffodil ever did, how these were his choice.

They hurt, as any permanent marking on skin hurts, but these are a reminder of his own devotion.

To himself.

After that talk with Lan Xichen, some daffodils had lingered on his skin, but with time they disappeared.

Lan Xichen disappeared too, following in his father's footsteps, this time without taking any other hostages.

History didn't completely repeat itself.STOP At the time, the guilt that threatened to take over Jiang Cheng was almost overwhelming.

Until he reminded himself he could not be taken accountable for others' choices. He wouldn't stand by it, not anymore.

As he leaves Jin Ling's room, Jiang Cheng thrives on how it feels to be whole on his own. To feel complete. And he marvels at how lucky he is to feel this way and have a beautiful, sturdy man waiting for him outside.

It's a pity that he insists on the mustache.

 But well, it's a choice. And if there was something that Jiang Cheng has learned in the past years, is that choice is always better than fate.
 

  “You left it as it was,” Wei Wuxian marvels as he looks around inside his old room.

Jiang Cheng considers being offended – why would he have destroyed part of Wei Wuxian’s home? But then he remembers that in the same way he was raised knowing he was not good enough, Wei Wuxian had known the taste of losing what was dear to him since he was a child.

So, instead of being offended, Jiang Cheng opts for slapping him in the head and saying:

“You owe me years in rent. Years.”

It’s the first time since their fallout that Wei Wuxian steps into Lotus Pier. Jiang Cheng was worried that his brother would look around, see the changes, and the new additions, and sneer at his work.

Their relationship is better, they are better. But still… some voices take longer than others to be drowned out. This one that whispers of insecurity and failure has become smaller with time but is not completely silenced yet.

“I wonder,” he hears the gremlin of a man says, and sees how he gets closer to a small table and starts to inspect it, only to dislodge a package stuck under the tabletop. “Victory!” he grins.

Before he can even ask what’s this fuss all about, Wei Wuxian smudges his face against a book. Jiang Cheng cannot understand much – it’s a difficult task when the gremlin is making him inhale the pages – but it seems that there are bodies drawn on the sheet.

Muscles.

Few clothes.

And he’s suddenly a teenager, all over again, who just found his brother’s porn stash.

“The-these are,” he splutters.

“The yellowest of the books,” Wei Wuxian grins, looking like a pleased cat seeing his prey trying to escape.

“Don’t you have no shame, Wuxian?”

“I do, a-cheng. But very little, hence I have to use it sparsely. Also, I need these books for educational purposes.”

And Jiang Cheng cannot resist teasing him:

“Oh, I thought you and your personal stone of a husband had some experience in this department by now.”

The way Wei Wuxian’s grin becomes larger is a sure sign that Jiang Cheng has just dug his grave.

“Oh, baby brother, we sure have experience, don’t worry. No, I need these books because as you must be aware, our babies are becoming adults.”

“Our babies?”

“Yeah, you know – my small radish and the small frog.”

“They’re children, Wuxian!”

“A-cheng, my kid is almost an adult and our dear nephew is an irritable sixteen-year-old. I see how he looks at your second-in-command…”

“He doesn’t look at him like that.”

“Sure thing, a-cheng. Believe in what you want. If I’m honest, I also peek at him sometimes – that’s some serious eye candy you have strolling around.”

“Wuxian,” he warns.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop,” he says with his hands raised. “But still, they need some education, you may not be ready to admit but…”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t want to think about Jin Ling, about none of his nephews, as an adult, but he knows he’ll have to face the facts soon.

“I just want to check these books first to ensure I don’t scar them,” Wei Wuxian murmurs.

“Why would you scar them?”

“Let’s say that too long ago I had an intellectual interest in the seventh most desired bachelor of our generation”

“No…”

“And I was truly curious about how someone could have some many muscles, and that mustache, you know? So perhaps I have drawn some sketches, nude ones, you know? For science…”

“That’s my husband, Wuxian.”

 “He wasn’t at the time!”

“But he is now. I’ll count to five, Wuxian. One, two…”

As Jiang Cheng runs after his brother, not as different as when they were children, he thinks about everything that happened to them. All the struggles they had to face.

In the end, they chose happiness. And he doesn’t regret it at all.