Work Text:
Click click click.
The crutches he walked with tapped out its steady rhythm, a comforting sound as Jeff "Joker" Moreau shuffled through the mess hall, looking for something to occupy his racing mind. He'd reluctantly given up the helm to Chase, knowing that he was already dead on his feet and any attempt at him to refuse would've been met with a rebuke from both Shepard and Pressly alike. And for how his head pounded, he really didn't need either of them stating the regulations he was breaking by not taking his required rest period.
Did it matter if he took the break if he wasn't actually going to sleep?
He was exhausted, all the way down to his brittle bones. Every muscle and nerve sang with a deep rooted pain that wouldn't let up, the chronic pain only a small fraction of what he dealt with on a day to day basis. No matter how tired he was, however, the insomnia popped up at the most inconvenient moments. Usually when it was vital that he was rested, ready for whatever the galaxy had to throw at him.
A tired pilot was a dead pilot.
The mess hall was dark, all lights extinguished minus the small round white one above the sink. At first, he didn't see the figure leaning over the table, the shadows so thick that it was almost impossible to distinguish one from the other. The only reason he noticed her was because she moved at his entrance, her grey eyes like silver in the dim light.
"Commander?"
His voice was loud in the silence and he nearly cringed, his ears ringing from the sudden noise. She looked rough, expression blank and eyes hollow, a ghost of herself sitting there in the mess hall, haunting the shadows, herself nothing more than a shadow of the person she was during the day cycle. Gone was the vivacious firecracker who would tease him at helm, the woman who inspired her team to do the impossible. The one that he might have a crush on, if he dwelled on the curve of her cheekbones or the mixture of mercury and silver he saw in her eyes whenever she glanced at him.
All he saw now was a dead grey half hidden behind bright cherry-colored hair.
“Can’t sleep?” He guessed as he pulled out a chair for himself, settling into it with a weary sigh. His legs protested the change in movement, muscles tightening painfully in his calves. He breathed deeply through his nose, fingers brushing along the tension and hoping against all hope that a charlie horse wouldn't take him now.
AJ Shepard pulled her own legs onto the chair she sat on, wrapping her arms tightly around them, settling her chin on her knees. Then she turned her head to meet his gaze, a blank expression the only thing he could see in the darkness.
“It’s… been a lot.”
Joker knew how hard that was to admit. Everyone looked at Commander Shepard and saw a survivor, a fighter, a leader. But right now, the only thing he could see was a woman with the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders.
“Yeah, I heard what the Council said.” He paused, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He wasn’t breaking any regs by listening in, not really, but he still felt guilty about it. “That’s… kind of fucked what they’re doing. Ignoring the Reapers because they think Saren is the only threat. I mean, now that Benezia is out of the way.”
Joker sighed, glancing away from the intensity of her gaze. There was a sadness to her that he’d never seen before. Haunted eyes, dark circles etched into her skin, paler than normal. Her hair fell limply against her forehead, drained of everything but one emotion: despair.
She was afraid.
“I’m… sorry about Noveria. I know it must've been a shitshow down there, with the rachni and all. And Benezia..."
Liara . He couldn't imagine how badly this was affecting her. The Matriarch was her mother, for Newton's sake. He'd lost his own mother when he was a teen and while that fucking sucked, it was different when your mother turned into a villain and tried to kill you.
"I'm not the one who lost something important."
Her voice was thick, like she was on the verge of crying. Joker swallowed past a sudden lump in throat, moving his eyes back to where Shepard sat still like a statue. He was positive if there was more light, he'd see dried tears on her cheeks.
"Commander-" He paused, throat closing up when she sniffed, wiping at her eyes with a sleeve. Trying again, he cleared his throat, shifting in his seat to lean closer, ignoring the sudden screaming of the muscles in his back. "You can talk to me."
Idiot, you sound like an idiot.
“You don't have to carry this alone. You have your crew, your squad. I know that Ashley would take it all on her shoulders if you let her." Joker could feel the blush creeping up his neck, embarrassed at how easy it was to offer comfort to the woman who was his damned boss. But no one else was and she deserved to know she wasn't alone. "I'm... here too."
He wanted to look away from her, but her eyes were hypnotizing. Always had been. The smallest of smiles turned her mouth and he felt a little thrill of relief. He did that. He took the pain and grief she was carrying and made it a little lighter.
His stomach flipped at the realization that maybe this crush wasn't as 'crushy' as he first thought.
“Thank you, Jeff. I don’t know what I’d do without you here.” She reached forward, brushing her fingers along his arm, the skin there raising in goosebumps as she pulled away. "I worry about what might happen when we finally meet up with Saren. Seeing Benezia, how she fought against the compulsion and still lost... And knowing what was in her head is in mine..."
"Hey." Joker managed to snag her hand before she could close up again, gently taking it into his own and squeezing. "I won't let that happen, ok? None of us will. Saren won't have you. The Reapers either."
She nodded at his words, a faint smile on her pretty lips.
"I'll keep you safe, Commander."
Stupid , he thought, feeling the blush finally take over his cheeks. He sounded like a complete moron. What the hell could he do except break a bone at the Reapers? God, she must think him so stupid for saying something so blatantly idiotic-
Shepard squeezed his hand, pulling him from his spiraling thoughts. She was watching him curiously, face less lined with worry, eyes sparkling despite the darkness.
"If that's so, then the Reapers better watch out."
Joker laughed, a nervous titter that left his head buzzing and his lungs breathless. Shepard had something that could make the worst moments better and he could see the spark of her usual self in her smile. A spark that could set the galaxy on fire.
"Glad to see my charm hasn't all but disappeared." He glanced at their entwined hands nervously, hoping she'd pull away while also praying she didn't.
"Oh, that's the last thing I expect to go." She teased, finally putting her feet back on the floor, a breathless laugh leaving her. "Thank you, Joker."
With his free hand, he gave her a sloppy salute that only made her laugh again.
"Any time, Commander."