Work Text:
"Is it even worth fighting for anymore?" Harry murmured, his head resting in his hands. He looked up and sighed. "Things are... it's like we're bachelors that just happen to share a house. It's not even a home any more. I haven't shared a bed with my husband in over a week."
"Divorce is a big step though, mate. Are you sure you've tried everything?" Ron asked, looking sympathetically at his friend.
Hermione joined them silently and put a tea tray on the table, pouring them each a cup, seasoned as they preferred.
"I'm not sure what there is left to do," Harry admitted, shrugging slightly in defeat. "I thought about counselling of some sort, but can you really imagine Severus in marriage counselling?"
Ron snorted with amusement, and then tried to cover it hastily with a cough. Harry's lips twisted into a wry smile as Hermione glared at Ron.
"Have you spoken to him?" Hermione asked. "Have you told him how you feel?"
Harry shrugged. "When we're together—which isn't often by the way—we either don't talk, or we argue. There's no middle ground." He took his cup from the tray, smiling his thanks at Hermione. "I don't want to get divorced. I just don't know what else to do."
"Do you still love him?"
"Absolutely. I always will."
…
Harry sat with his feet up on the sofa, his eyes on the fire.
For four hours, thoughts had been chasing themselves around his mind, the conversation he'd had with Ron and Hermione on replay. Did he really want a divorce? No. Did he want to keep living the way he was? No. Did he want his husband back? Yes .
He wondered when it had changed. Their marriage had been going downhill for about five months, he thought, but had it been longer? Had he done something to turn Severus away? Had he done something that had made Severus stop loving him?
He didn't know the answer to any of those questions, and it was killing him. He couldn’t keep going like this.
The fire flared, interrupting his thoughts, and Severus stepped through the flames into the living room. Harry saw his eyes widen when he realised that Harry was still up.
Harry couldn't help but wonder what conclusions he was drawing. Harry, sitting in the dark with the exception of the dim light from the fire, glass in hand, and what he was sure was misery written all over his face.
"I thought you'd be in bed already," Severus said after a moment, clearing his throat awkwardly.
Harry shrugged his shoulders lightly. "I suppose that would have given you a ready made excuse to sleep in the guest room," he replied, his tone light but flat.
"You are looking for a fight."
Harry shook his head at the accusatory tone. He didn’t have any fight left in him. "Nope. Goodnight Severus, sleep well."
The older man looked at a loss, staring at Harry with concern in his eyes. "Harry...I... ah."
Harry chuckled, though there was no humour in it. It was either he laughed, or he burst into tears, and he really didn’t want to do the latter.
"The one time it actually matters, and you find yourself at a loss for words." Harry shook his head and stood up, draining the glass he'd been holding. "Goodnight, Severus."
He left the living room, and climbed the stairs wearily. He didn't know where Severus would be sleeping, and it bothered him. It bothered him that his husband seemed to be so repulsed by him that he chose to stay in another room.
It bothered him that he didn't know if their marriage could be fixed.
When the bedroom door opened ten minutes later, and Severus slid into bed beside him, Harry could feel the tension emanating from him. It bothered him that he didn't feel like he could turn over and cuddle into his side like he used to.
"I love you."
The words permeated the room, and Harry was glad that some of the tension seemed to ease from Severus. He could feel his husband relax into the bed.
"And I you."
The reciprocation was nice, but was it enough?
It bothered Harry that he didn't know if it was any more.
…
It was their wedding anniversary, and Harry was cooking. It was partially Hermione's idea, but he’d thought it was a solid one.
A last ditch attempt to save their relationship, she'd said. While he hoped it wasn’t that, he thought that, perhaps, if they could sit down together and actually talk, they could sort out some of their issues.
Or maybe Severus could explain what their issues actually were, because Harry was still at a loss.
Unfortunately, he'd been late finishing work; a case involving illegal substances being transferred through a chain of potion shops had come across his desk, and he hadn’t been able to finish it up in time to get out when he was supposed to.
Now he was rushing to make sure the meal would be cooked and the table set by the time Severus was due to arrive home.
"Harry?"
Something he clearly hadn’t been successful in. Still, he’s made some progress; the table was set, and at least Severus would see the effort he’d gone too.
“In the kitchen,” he called.
Seasoning the vegetables, Harry didn't turn around when he felt Severus enter the room. He could feel his eyes and with a quick taste of the sauce he was making, he turned around.
"Hey."
Severus' lip quirked upwards at the casual greeting.
"Happy anniversary, Harry."
Raising his eyebrow, Harry nodded. "Happy anniversary. Your gift is on the table."
Severus nodded, but didn't look away from Harry. "I... I have a gift for you too. But first, I believe we need to talk."
"Dinner will be ready shortly, if you want to go and clean up."
Harry offered a somewhat timid smile, and Severus nodded his head once more. He didn’t seem to want to pull his eyes away from Harry though, and only left the kitchen when Harry turned away, back to the sauce he was stirring.
…
"That was delicious," Severus said quietly, setting his knife and fork on the plate neatly. "Thank you."
Harry nodded. "Of course. I miss cooking. I haven’t cooked for a while now, have I?”
Severus sighed. "That's my fault. All of this is my fault, all told. I... May we retire to the living room, perhaps enjoy a drink while I make an attempt to explain my behaviour over the last few months?"
"Sure."
Harry could feel nerves bubbling and fluttering in his stomach as he poured them both a glass of elf made wine. Seating himself on the sofa, he was happy to see Severus sit beside him.
"Five and a half months ago, you told me you wished we'd been able to have children," Severus said, after a moment of awkward silence.
Harry frowned. That seemed like such a random start. "We looked into it, Severus. There was no way to have a child that was both of ours, so we decided against it. I don't understand what that -"
"Please, just let me get this out. Please?"
Harry nodded.
"I promised, seven years ago today, that I would do everything in my power to make you happy. I promised, and then there you were, with that sad look in your eyes as I held you in my arms while you professed the wish that we'd been able to have children. And you weren't happy. It... I didn't know what to do, Harry. I promised to make you happy and I failed.”
He paused, sipped his drink, and then reached out for Harry’s hand. Harry accepted it, squeezing Severus’ hand gently.
“So I did what I do best,” Severus continued, with a wry smile. “I retreated to my lab, to research, to potion ingredients that I know how to manipulate into doing what I want them to do, and I worked. And I neglected you.” He shook his head. “I understand how hard the last months have been, Harry, and it's a wonder you haven't left me long before today. I... I can't excuse my behaviour and I won't try to, but please understand that I wasn't doing it to intentionally hurt you.”
"I... I don't know what you want me to say, Severus. I still don’t understand what you’re talking about."
"Open your gift, Harry."
Frowning, Harry released Severus’ hand, and took the gift from the table, undoing the neat bow carefully. Opening the box, he wasn't surprised to find a potions vial inside. Severus often gifted him with hard to make potions and after his speech, there was clearly something going on that he was missing. He lifted it gingerly, looking at the iridescent blue liquid.
"Thanks?"
Severus snorted, taking the bottle from Harry. "You remember how the potion worked to impregnate a surrogate?"
"Of course I do."
"This one, if both of our essences are added to it, will allow a surrogate to carry a child that is ours. Not yours, or mine, but ours. A baby made from my DNA, and your DNA."
"You... You made a potion for... so..."
"I promised to do everything I could to make you happy. Whenever you're ready, Harry, we can have a child that is ours."
Tears built in his eyes, and then slipped down his cheeks as he looked from Severus to the potion, and back again. When he didn't speak, Severus shifted uncomfortably, uncertainty appearing on his face.
"If I've pushed you too far this time, if you want... if you don't want this, don't want me any more, the potion is still for you. You can use it with... when you are ready."
"Put the potion in the box," Harry said quietly, finding his voice. Severus did as Harry asked, placing the box on the table. As soon as the potion was free and clear, Harry dived for his husband, pressing their lips together harshly.
Severus immediately wrapped his arms around Harry, pulling him closer so he was straddling over Severus' knees.
Harry pulled back. "I love you. More than anything and anybody in the world, but if you ever leave me questioning our relationship the way I have these last few months, I will hex you to the moon and back."
"I'm sorry, Harry. Truly. You are the light of my world, I just wanted to make you happy. I know I went the wrong way about it."
"Why did you sleep in the guest room? I thought... I thought you were repulsed by me."
"The potion needed stirring at random times during the night. I didn't want to disturb you by getting up every two or three hours during the night. You could never be repulsive, Harry, you're the most beautiful sight my eyes have ever had the privilege of seeing."
"The potion. It just requires our... essence?"
Severus nodded, smirking with amusement at the look on Harry’s face.
Pressing a kiss to his husbands lips, Harry smiled a wicked smile. "Then I believe we need to go and... practise."
Eyes darkening in lust, Severus pulled Harry against him. "Hmm, I believe that's the best idea you've ever had. You have no idea how much I missed you."
"I'm sure I have some idea. Never again, Severus. You’re not allowed to leave me to try and give me something I want. Nothing is worth that. Promise me."
"I promise you, Harry. Never again."