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Dear Satoru,
By the time you read this note, I have already left. There is probably a bounty on my head, and you must know of my crimes. Even so, I hope that you can hear me out and listen to me,
one last time.
"We're the strongest." Your words echo through my mind, relentlessly repeating as I toss and turn in my bed. "We're the strongest." But that's not so true anymore, is it Satoru? You still say it, laughing it off and slapping me on the back as I smile weakly, trying to laugh too. I've been trying to do that a lot, laughing, but it doesn't feel normal anymore. Instead of a smooth, joyful sound it's just... a cacophony of pieced together noises, attempting to resemble those of a human being. But that's not what I am anymore. You're not the only one who's changed, 'toru.
Every time I eat a curse, swallowing its whole retched self, I feel as if I am not the one consuming, but the one being consumed. Slowly, I've been broken down, piece by piece, and replaced with curses. But, even while I was suffering every moment of every day, I was always there for you, Satoru. I've always been here, to listen to you, to give you a shoulder to cry on, to support you, to love you. I can tell how you are feeling just by looking into your beautiful eyes, so why was it that you couldn't notice that something was wrong with me, when the bags under my eyes were so big and dark that they were halfway down my face? When my hair grew so long that I no longer bothered to tie it up? When I would just stand still, staring into the distance at nothing at all because that's all I could muster up strength to do? When I wouldn't leave my room for days? When I covered my arms and legs to avoid showing you all the ugly marks I'd made comparing myself to you, asking myself why I wasn't strong enough to protect you? When I stopped eating and grew so skinny I could see my ribs? You never noticed. And for the longest time, I thought you never cared. But that's not true, is it 'toru?
You always cared for me, and I cared for you back. But ever since our mission with Riko, you haven't been the same. You were suddenly propelled to the top of the Jujutsu Sorcerer ranks, leaving me behind. I would've been fine, if we could have remained as close as we were before, maybe I'd have been a bit butthurt at your sudden increase in power, but at least we'd have been okay. Instead, I was always told that missions were too hard for me, that you needed your space, that we couldn't train together because "He's the strongest." It destroyed me. Not being able to see my best friend, the one I love, all while having to acknowledge that I no longer mean anything. I descended into a dark place, fully letting myself be consumed by the curses I swallowed. I feel that now I am more curse than I am human. But I can still redeem myself. If I work towards building a better world, one free of curses, then maybe I can finally be human again.
I never told you Satoru, but I watched Riko get shot right in front of me. I watched the life drain from her eyes and the blood splatter as the bullet entered her head. It was in that moment that I knew none of us could ever be free. She was so close to freedom, if only she had been able to reach for my hand in time then maybe she wouldn't have died. I've always blamed myself for her death, told myself that if I was stronger, I could've saved her. But it wasn't me that killed Riko. It was the filthy monkeys that forced her into a life not worth living. I blamed myself for Haibara's death too. But it wasn't my fault either. It's all the fault of the stupid monkeys, that will go on with their lives never knowing how many brave people died too young because of their selfish lives. Someday you will see what I mean Satoru, see what they've done. Whether it takes my death or your own to show you, it doesn't matter.
There are some parts of Jujutsu High that I will miss. Mainly you and Shoko. Us being together were the best times of my life, and I can only hope that you feel the same way. I would give anything to go back to them, to transform into our younger, naiver selves. Even though it has only been a year, so much has changed that it's hard to remember exactly who I used to be. The only thing I know for sure is that I can't be him again. But there is still a chance for you Satoru, for you to have a positive impact on the world, to be a good person. I am too far gone already, but I will work towards our dream of a happy life. Tell Shoko that I'm sorry I can't pay her back for all the cigarettes she gave me, as they were the only things that I ever found tasted as bitter as curses.
You and I used to be intertwined, our souls seemingly linked. I always used to believe that we would be able to live together happily, but that was just a pipe dream. Even if I hadn't done what I did, we would still never be able to be happy together. Jujutsu Sorcerers have hard lives, fighting curses relentlessly for people that won't ever appreciate or know what we've done for them. One of us would end up dead anyway. That's why our only hope is to eradicate the monkeys, Satoru. I want to create a better world, a world in which we can live safely together, happily. I understand that there is no hope for us, but perhaps future generations of Jujutsu Sorcerers will thank me for allowing them to live peacefully, free of any curses. I know that you won't understand, 'toru. And you don't have to. But eventually you will thank me for all the work I've done. Because I did this all for us. I may see you again some time in the future, but if not, then I want you to remember me.
Goodbye, Satoru. I love you. I always have.