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Ryou sat with his knees brought up to his chest, letting the shower spray beat against his back. It wasn’t like he truly felt it. He wasn’t even sure if the water was hot or cold.
The world didn’t seem real. Not this shower stall, not the tile he sat on, not the water against his skin. Nothing seemed real. He didn’t feel real. Everything had been turned on its axis and he was left floundering, drowning.
He wanted to cry. He should be crying, right? That’s what happens when one loses someone they care about, regardless of how twisted or estranged they are, but the tears didn’t come.
Did his time with the sennen ring break him? The thought made his chest constrict. He clutched at the spot above his heart, feeling an ache. But still, the tears didn’t come.
Not that he actually had the time to cry. It wouldn’t be long before his friends came knocking to check on him. Not because they knew he was distressed — he wondered if they’d even care or if they’d tell him to get over it. No. They would be checking on him because he’d been so immersed in the shadow magic of the final RPG.
He knew that they were worried about what the side effects of that would be on him, but all he wanted was to be left alone. He wanted to cry and scream until his throat was raw.
Because…
Because…
Because the ring was empty. And he felt empty as a result. He’d touched the ring briefly, hoping, praying that he’d sense the spirit of the ring still lingering, but nothing. Not even a wisp.
Was the spirit trapped in the shadow realm? Or did he go and meet the tribunal? If it was the latter, would the spirit’s heart be weighed? Would he balance? Or would Ammit devour his heart?
Hadn’t the spirit been silenced enough? His story, his history, his people had been silenced for centuries. Surely… surely the gods wouldn’t silence him for eternity. But he couldn't be sure. He couldn’t trust them. Not when it came to the spirit’s fate. He couldn’t trust the spirit’s ib in their hands, on their scales.
A hand slapped over his mouth as a choked sound escaped from between his lips. Nausea rolled and gnawed at his insides.
No. No. No. If Ammit sentenced the spirit to such a fate of unrest then Ryou himself would rip apart reality. He’d bring about the end of the world. The dead would rise and the land would burn. Rivers would run red and the dawn would never rise again.
Not when his dawn was gone.
Maybe the spirit of the ring had the right idea to bring about a new world order. Maybe the thief king was right when he confronted the pharaoh about justice, good, and evil.
Maybe… just maybe, they’d been right all along.
What was evil when the wealthy grew fat while the poor starved? What was evil when atrocities were committed in the name of religion? What was evil when crimes went unpunished, when punishments were disproportionately distributed?
Why follow deities who allow people to abuse the teachings? Why follow deities who turn a blind eye to vile behaviors their followers commit? Why follow deities who don’t seem to care?
He’d seen it countless times across different countries, in different religions. The Pharaoh’s time is no different considering what was done to Kul Elna. All these lifetimes and nothing has changed.
It’ll never change.
The system was broken, and corrupt. The system created thieves who wanted to survive and subsequently punished said thieves. The system crushed people down and berated them for not doing better, for breaking under the pressure.
If the deities were to punish those in pain for trying to bring it to an end by bringing them more pain and suffering, then they didn’t deserve his offerings. They don’t deserve anything.
Why bother being a white mage when one cannot heal all the hurt that others feel?
A knock sounded on the door, causing Ryou to jolt. He blinked several times, trying to reorient himself. Icy cold water droplets clung to his lashes and made his teeth chatter.
“Ryou?”
It was Jonouchi.
“Just a minute,” he called, his voice wavering and cracking on the words. Was it his emotions, or the cold?
“You don’t have to rush. I was just seeing how you were doing.”
“So far no side effects,” Ryou said, trying not to dwell on his thoughts moments prior. Maybe there had been a few negative side effects. Not that he’d tell them. It was his hell, and he didn’t want to burden the others with it.
Jonouchi remained silent for a long moment. Long enough Ryou started counting breaths that passed before he heard the sound of movement. It sounded almost like Jonouchi had sat down by the door.
“Not about that. How are you holding up to losing the spirit?”
Ryou tensed. He hadn’t expected any of his friends to care, but yet here Jonouchi was checking in on him. He opened his mouth, but words refused to surface. Slowly, he stood and shut off the water.
He stood there, staring down at the drain, watching the last dregs of water trickle down into it. It was such a normal sight, and yet it still seemed so alien to him.
Again, he tried to open his mouth, but nothing came out.
To his relief, Jonouchi didn’t press him further. He grabbed a towel and roughly wiped down his body before rubbing it against his hair, not caring that he was putting tangles in the long locks.
Maybe he should cut his hair just like that coach had wanted. The spirit… the spirit had punished the coach to save him from cutting his hair since he knew that it’d bother Ryou. He let the towel fall to the floor and covered his face.
His chest constricted. His heart throbbed, as if someone had rammed a knife into it and kept twisting it.
In the spirit’s warped way, he seemed to care about Ryou, more than just being the ring’s host.
“It hurts,” he whispered, lowering his hands from his face. He swallowed, his throat feeling tight. “It hurts so fucking much.”
He wanted to be angry at the spirit, but he couldn’t. How could he? The spirit had been in pain and wanted redress for his people, even at the cost of himself. And Ryou was no better at this moment.
Ryou pulled on a robe and sat down next to the door.
“You don’t have to bear it by yourself, Ryou.”
“What would you know?” Ryou muttered.
Jonouchi released a heavy sigh that Ryou could hear through the door, hear in his very soul.
“I’d lost a friend once.” Jonouchi’s voice sounded wistful. “We’d grown estranged, but I’d still cared deeply about him. One day, I woke up and got the news that he’d passed away. And hearing it… it’d felt like my heart had been carved out.”
Ryou touched his own chest, understanding what Jonouchi was saying.
“It took me a while to feel like I was allowed to be happy to be alive because he wasn’t. He was gone, but I was still alive. Like, how was that even fair, you know? That was my thought process. Even now… it’s difficult. There is still that pain. But I don’t have to endure it alone. I have the gang supporting me.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, Jonouchi.” What else could he say?
“Ryou, you’ve dealt with too much on your own, for far too long. You don’t have to do it alone anymore.”
His eyes burned. He covered his face once more, trying to force the feeling down.
It needed to go down. Down, down, down. Right now. He couldn’t drown right yet. The others will know. Jonouchi will know.
And then they’ll leave.
“Ryou, you can talk to me whenever you’re ready. Just know that I’ll always be here for you.”
“Did it help?” The question came unbidden and he couldn’t bring himself to take it back.
“What? Talking to the others? Yeah. They gave me the space I needed and a seat when I was ready to talk.”
Ryou closed his eyes. Could he chance opening up and showing Jonouchi and the others the gates of hell that creak in his mind? The spirit wouldn’t have cared since he had the same kind of gates in his own mind and he had no problem letting others see.
That was a type of courage, Ryou supposed. And he was tired, so tired of being alone and afraid of letting others close. He reached up and opened the door a fraction.
“Can you… just sit and hold me?” The request seemed silly, but at the same time felt completely unreasonable, but Jonouchi didn’t tease him.
Instead, the door opened more and Jonouchi settled beside him, an arm wrapping around Ryou’s shoulders.
“I’ve got you.”
Ryou hesitantly rested his head against Jonouchi’s shoulder, feeling the tears spill down his cheeks. He wanted to push the tears down, not let anyone see, but sitting there with Jonouchi made him feel safe to feel and express his emotions.
No words were spoken. He didn’t need any words spoken. This was what he needed for the moment. Later, he might bury himself in writing a Monster World campaign and imagine himself sitting with the spirit as they brainstormed together.
His apartment was going to feel so much larger and lonelier than before, and he didn’t want to stay there longer than necessary. Maybe he could ask one of the others to stay with him… even if it was just for a few nights.
No. He couldn’t ask that of them.
“Anything you need, Ryou, and we’ll help provide it.”
Ryou lifted his head to look at Jonouchi, confusion knitting his eyebrows together.
Jonouchi offered a small smile, as if he’d understood what Ryou’s thought process was.
“While we can’t feel your pain, and we can’t understand it on the same level as you, we’ll help you bear it. All of us. So you can ask us anything that’ll help make it easier.”
All of them?
All of them would be there for him? Did they realize the truth of his feelings about the spirit of the ring and that he’d been hiding in the shower for nothing?
“And if I wanted to dive head first in the black arts to properly revive the spirit?” he asked, wanting to test his boundaries with this, wanting to see how far he could push before they turned their backs on him.
It was self-sabotaging, he knew that, but he’d learnt from his father that he couldn’t rely on others in times of need. As much as he loved and leant on the spirit, he also held himself back.
“Are you gonna share whatever spell you find so we can also get Atem back?” Jonouchi asked.
The corners of Ryou’s lips twitched with amusement.
“I can be generous, I suppose,” he teased.
“Then we’ll help, but also be there to pull you back before it consumes you.”
Ryou looked away, wiping at his face. It might be too late for that already. He still wanted to be Apep swallowing the sun. If the gods took the spirit from him, then he’d take their light away. Not just from the sun. He wanted to devour the light of the moon, the stars — to become a black hole that kept devouring everything in sight until there was nothing left.
“You don’t have to hide your hell from any of us. We’d rather hear it, than lose you.”
“I… wasn’t joking about the black magic. I don’t want to imagine a life where the spirit is trapped in the shadow realm, or devoured by Ammit. I’d rather the world burn than let that be his fate.”
Jonouchi didn’t tense or pull away from Ryou’s confession. Instead, he pulled Ryou closer until Ryou was seated between his legs. Both of his arms wrapped around Ryou, as if he was helping shield Ryou from the world, from his own feelings, and it made the tears return.
“I doubt that the gods are that cruel, to make him continue to suffer after they’d failed him.” He drew Ryou back against his chest swaying slowly side to side.
“But you cannot know that for sure.”
“No. I can’t, but neither can you with the darker possibilities.” Jonouchi rested his chin on top of Ryou’s head with a soft hum. “We can’t bring about the end of the world without knowing for certain.”
“So, if he was, you’d help end the world with me?”
If he pushed and continued to push, then he’d prove to himself that people would always leave him. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy in these situations, he knew that logically, but he couldn’t help himself.
“We’re friends, Ryou. Friends will help you destroy the world and rule it.”
Ryou snorted softly. “You and the others have stopped others from doing that. What makes me any different?”
“Because we were friends before the ideals of world domination. At this point, we’re in it for the long haul.”
“Would the others agree with that? I doubt Atem would.”
“The others, yes. As for Atem… ehh, fuck ‘im if he has a problem with it. He can take a backseat on the chaos this time.”
A faint laugh tumbled out of Ryou’s mouth. It felt good to laugh, but at the same time, it felt wrong.
“He certainly does love to cause chaos.”
“You should have seen him when he first came out of the puzzle. He dished out penalty games left and right. He even got Moneybags and the Gremlin.”
Ryou twisted, looking at Jonouchi with incredulousness.
“Really? I can kinda understand Seto, but the Floofy? He went after the Floofy?”
“Floofy Gremlin, yes. Yes, he did.”
“Then he has no say in how we take over the world. I hope Mokuba took Atem’s ankle.”
Jonouchi laughed, the sound vibrating from his chest and through Ryou.
This… Ryou needed this. A full smile pulled at Ryou’s lips as he allowed himself to bask in the sunshine that was Jonouchi. It didn’t fix the hurt. It didn’t make things magically better. It didn’t change the fact he still missed the spirit of the ring and wanted him back. The spirit had been his dawn. But having Jonouchi there, holding him and promising that he and the others would be there to help support him, and grieve with him, made the pain just a little bit less overwhelming.
If he did bring hell to the world, they would be there with him. They wouldn’t leave him…
“Hey, Jonouchi?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for this.”
Jonouchi’s arms tightened around him briefly.
“Any time, Ryou. Whenever you’re ready, all of us will be there for you, no matter what.”
Somehow, Ryou actually could believe it. If he did find a spell that would revive the spirit of the ring, he’d share it so they could have Atem. Maybe he’ll even ask Seto if there was anyone that he wanted brought back. Briefly, he wondered if Amane and his mother would also like the chance to be brought back to life, but he realized that they wouldn’t. Not if he had upended the world.
He closed his eyes, sinking into Jonouchi’s embrace. His body felt heavy. Sleep sounded so nice. He can see the others in a bit.
For now… for now, a nap was needed.
After he wakes, then he’ll start tackling the day one single moment at a time until he doesn’t feel so consumed by the hell raging in his thoughts.