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I see him every day at school, he’s my only real friend. Well, he’s more than a friend, but I’m not sure how to describe it. Its obviously not how boys and girls fall in love, we are both boys, that couldn’t happen.. I think.
I think.
“Mom! look at what I made at school today!!” she shrugged off my excitement, she didn’t even look. “Look its me and Gabriel! We’re holding hands like boyfriends and girlfriends do!” The look she gave me was horrible, she didn’t even say anything. She took my drawing I had worked so hard on, crumpled it in her slender hands, and threw it away. I didn’t know what to think.
So boys can’t like boys, my mom taught me that. Its not natural, so I shouldn’t feel that way. I shouldn’t feel this way.
“Vyr who do you like?” My classmate asked me. I trusted him, but I honestly didn’t know my answer. Gabriel? No, of course not. I have to like girls, its what my mom taught me. I told him its a secret, and he will find out eventually.
But truthfully, I don’t know if he ever will. I don’t even know if I will know. This is so confusing, I don’t understand why I’m having these feelings if they’re forbidden. Sinful. If I do like Gabriel, I’ll surely go to hell, I don’t want that. I really don’t want that.
…
My friends invited me over for a sleepover, its going to be me, a few other people I know, the classmate I trust, Felix.. and Gabriel. I don’t really like sleepovers, but they invited me, so I won’t be rude.
I showed up. It was fun, I stayed around Felix and Gabriel for most of the time. We played truth or dare, that was kind of fun. Everyone started getting tired and just spacing out though, so they went to bed.
I didn’t, there’s too many thoughts for me to silence them, I can’t sleep. I sat out on the couch, I was alone with my thoughts, finally. I really don’t know what to do, I don’t have anywhere to vent my frustrations out. I don’t know who to talk to, I don’t know how to get help, I don’t even know if I can be helped. Fuck fuck fuck what do I do, I can’t have these feelings, this isn’t okay for me to do I’m going to go to hell I really don’t want to go to hell I swear I’m a good person I don’t know what’s goi..
“Vyr?”
Fuck I had been crying, I try my best to wipe away the tears. I thank the darkness for making it hard to see my face. I turn around to thank Felix for checking on me but really im fine, I just had a bad dream I will be okay—
“Gabriel—!”
But he’s a heavy sleeper, he wouldn’t have woken up right? was I really crying that loud?
“I can’t sleep either, I heard you sniffling and I noticed you never came to bed like you said you would.”
“Oh! Yeah, just allergies, the pollen can get pretty bad..”
I doubt he believed my pathetic excuse, I can’t even lie correctly. He probably hates me, he knows I don’t get allergies. Maybe things would be easier if he hated me. He has to hate me right?
He sat down next to me, closer than two friends should sit together. He doesn’t hate me, I don’t know whether to feel relieved or frustrated.
“You know you can tell me anything Vyr, you can trust me. I promise”
He grabbed my hand as he promised me that. He interlocked our fingers. He was looking up at me, waiting for me to do something.
I grabbed the side of his face with my free hand, and I kissed him. I kissed a boy. And he kissed me back.
Suddenly, the thoughts went quiet. I didn’t care about going to hell. I didn’t care about what my mother would say. I didn’t care what anyone else would think, none of it mattered right now.
I pulled him on top of me, I held on to him as he ran his fingers through my hair. We kissed until it was getting hard to breathe. I had sinned, and it felt so good. I loved him.
…
We became boyfriends. We didn’t tell anyone of course, to everyone else we were just two best friends that had sleepovers extremely often.
At least it was easier to not get caught. His parents don’t expect me to be kissing their son, so they don’t mind if we have our door closed. In their minds we are just playing video games together, because thats what boys do.
Nothing lasts forever, he moved away, and I was alone again. This time I trusted myself though, I know that my mind is safe. I know that I won’t go to hell for loving someone.
I do miss him, but I don’t dwell on it. He helped me.