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Kevin fidgeted with the napkins on the table. The quiet and relaxed atmosphere of the cafè did nothing to soothe his nerves. This was the kind of anxiety that made him want to down a bottle in one breath.
The postcard had arrived from California a couple weeks before. Kevin knew every word by heart and could trace the elegant curve of the handwriting with his fingers. After its arrival, Kevin had waited four days before asking Jean to meet up, partly because he needed to muster up the courage, and partly because he didn’t want to seem too desperate.
Kevin hadn’t seen Jean in person in exactly seven years, but Kevin could’ve sworn it was longer. Jean had played his last game in university, and didn’t continue after graduating. Kevin was Court now, preparing for the Olympics. They just hadn’t had an occasion to meet.
But Kevin wondered. In seven years, there wasn’t a moment spent without Jean somewhere in his thoughts. He wondered what he was doing after dropping Exy. He wondered if Jeremy was treating him well (he knew he was). He wondered if he’d found happiness. If he’d found peace.
Yet, no matter how much time Kevin spent thinking about Jean, every time he opened his phone to reach him, he could never make the call.
He was shaken out of his thoughts when slender fingers tapped on the table in front of him.
Jean was the same as he remembered, except he wasn’t. The pale skin Kevin was used to was replaced by a light caramel tan, a consequence of the west coast sun. He was wearing a blue sweater and jeans, and a thin gold chain rounded his neck and disappeared under the sweater. His hair was a bit more wavy than he remembered it being, and his face was fuller. He looked serene, and healthier. For the first time in years, Kevin saw Jean without a fresh scar or bruise.
“It’s been a while,” Jean said as he sat down in front of him, folding his arms over the table, and Kevin caught a flash of silver on Jean’s hand.
He told himself to keep it together and offered Jean a tentative smile, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
A waitress arrived, Kevin ordered a black coffee, Jean ordered a lemonade. Kevin didn’t know Jean liked lemonade.
To say that it was awkward would be an understatement. Both of them took sips of their drinks, looking everywhere except for each other’s face, trying to come up with anything to say.
It quickly became too unbearable for Kevin. After seven years of waiting and wanting to know what Jean was up to, he’d had enough.
“So, uhm, how are things? You’re still with Jeremy?”
Jeremy looked a bit surprised to be asked that question, but gave a tentative smile.
“Things are really good in SoCal. I kept in contact with some of my former teammates and they’re like a family to me. And yes, I’m still with Jeremy,”
He paused for a second, searching for something in Kevin’s eyes. Kevin didn’t know what he found, but he continued nonetheless, “We, huh- we went to France on vacation. I took him to Marseille.”
Kevin had never been to France. For a moment, he remembered one of their conversations from back when freedom seemed like a dream. A promise to visit Marseille together.
Kevin ignored how wrong the smile he gave Jean felt. It wasn’t his real smile. It was the smile he gave the press, the smile he used to hide what he was really feeling.
Jean knew. Jean pretended not to know.
He took a sip of lemonade- to hide behind the glass, Kevin thought- and sighed before speaking again, “What about you? Still going strong with Thea?”
Kevin tried not to flinch. As much as he’d tried to keep up the facade, his relationship with Thea was bound to end from the moment it started. Thea was a smart woman, and once Kevin graduated and they could spend more time together it didn’t take her long to understand what Kevin refused to acknowledge.
“Well, actually we split up. Couple years ago,” he refused to add anything else.
Jean didn’t look as surprised as Kevin thought he would be. Kevin couldn’t decipher his expression, really. He kept looking at Kevin as if he was expecting something, but Kevin had no idea what.
“I always knew she was too badass to put up with you,” he said jokingly. “What about your two crazy midgets? I know you three are Court now.”
Kevin huffed and went on a rant about how annoying Neil and Andrew were even when they were supposed to be professional adults, how they didn’t follow their diet and sometimes were late to practice because they were too busy fooling around with each other.
He was cut off mid ramble by Jean’s phone ringing. Jean quickly took it out of his pocket and then looked at Kevin with an apologetic face as he saw who the caller was, “It’s Jeremy. Would you mind if I answered? I promise it won’t take long.”
Kevin nodded and watched as Jean answered the phone with a private little smile.
It was disorienting. Jean had been his sole anchor during the darkest time of his life. He’d been the first person to really know him. The one person that didn’t make him feel like he always had to be the best. Jean had been an extension of himself, and yet he wasn't sure that was the same man in front of him right now.
Kevin studied Jean's expression as he talked to his lover on the phone. His eyes traced Jean's shy smile, the hint of a dimple curving his cheek, the soft cotton of his cloudy eyes, his thumb fidgeting with the thin silver band on his ring finger.
Kevin knew the way Jean looked like during a panic attack and after one. He knew what to do to calm him down when he was on the verge of breaking and bring him back from the edge. He knew the tremble of his fingers after a meeting with Riko. He knew the soft sound of his voice in French, during hushed conversations in an attempt to comfort each other.
In that moment, it stuck to Kevin that he only knew Jean in his pain, and not his happiness.
He didn't know the color of the blush that spread along his cheeks. He didn't know the sound of his carefree and unapologetically happy laughter, or the smugness in his voice when he was being a tease. He didn’t know what kind of person Jean was when he wasn’t suffocated by his trauma.
Jean hung up the phone and was met with Kevin’s blank stare. He sighed, and when he met Kevin’s eyes again, it looked like Jean finally got what he was expecting.
“Kevin, it’s been seven years. Why did you ask me to meet up?”
The words had been waiting on Kevin’s tongue for far too long for him to even consider hesitating.
“Do you ever wonder, what if things had gone differently? If we managed to escape together, or if you stayed with the Foxes instead of going to California,” he gulped and took in a deep breath. “Do you…do you think you and me…that we could’ve worked out?”
Jean was silent for a long time. Kevin regretted not throwing the letter with the postcard the second it arrived.
He was on the verge of completely losing his mind when Jean finally replied.
“What I know is that I loved you, Kevin. I loved you fiercely, with the desperation of a satellite yearning for its planet. And I know that you probably loved me too, but that feeling got lost in the chaos of everything that was going on in your life, and I will never blame you for not having me as your priority when I decided to make you mine, I never expected that of you,” Jean sighed and Kevin thought he could see his eyes watering slightly.
“But what I also know is that we would have destroyed each other. Our bond was built on us surviving together pain, abuse, torture. We would’ve tried to build a life and heal together, but only looking at each other would’ve been unbearable, a constant reminder of what we went through, and what we saw the other go through. We would have made each other spiral even further, and we would’ve hurt each other beyond repair during arguments, because we know each other's worst weaknesses, and like hurt animals we would’ve used anything against each other.”
Every word felt like a stab on Kevin’s body. It hurt more because Jean was right, and Kevin hated it. Kevin wanted him to be wrong.
Kevin wanted him to be wrong.
He wanted to believe everything played out wrong. He wanted to believe there was a possibility and they just missed it. He wanted to believe he was miserable because he made a wrong choice along the way.
He didn’t want to believe they were doomed from the start, because that would’ve been just unfair, wouldn’t it? The universe giving him a companion to survive through the darkness but incompatible to be with him for what came after.
Jean was searching his eyes again. This time Kevin knew he was looking for acceptance. Defeat.
When he realised it wasn’t going to happen, he rose from his chair and took Kevin’s hand in his, “I have to go now, but I’d like to keep in contact, okay?”
Kevin nodded imperceptibly. His eyes remained set firmly on the drop of condensation sliding down the lemonade glass. He finally looked up at Jean when the other squeezed his hand.
Jean’s face was heavy with an old sadness, one that had stopped growing years ago, but still survived in him. He was looking at him with the pity of someone who had come to terms with something inevitable a long time before.
“Je suis désolé,” he whispered before dropping Kevin’s hand and leaving.
Kevin sat there for another half hour, trying to trap the feeling of warm fingers against his skin.
When he got home, Kevin pinned the postcard to his fridge with a magnet.
The morning after, he ripped it to shreds and threw it in the trash.