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“This is a bad idea,” says Shiroe, alarmed by the stares of sparkling female eyes.
“Pleeeease?” begs Marielle. She turns to the side and pouts. Shiroe shudders. “When I said to look for other ways to finance the guilds, this was definitely not what I meant,” he says. Firmly. Privately, he is more than slightly afraid of what will happen next. As he runs through the proposal in his head for the second time, he already has a sinking feeling that it really is the answer they were looking for.
“Shiroe said the following,” Code states (he’s the only guy who’s a major fan of the idea). He does an ‘air glasses’ gesture and assumes an authoritative voice. “We need another way to finance the guild alliance. Even with the removal of the charges for the guild hall and cathedral, the council still racks up high costs due to putting on events, regulating trade, and maintaining a vast intelligent network. With the need for city guards as well, it won’t be long before the council goes into debt, despite the revenue from monster campaigns.
The key is to find a product or service, preferably something cheap or even free to produce, that there is a demand for. Then the guild will be able to make money. However, it must be done without infringing on the freedom of adventurers. In other words, we cannot demand tolls on the roads or tax monster deaths. It must be harmless above all.” Rudy punctuates the end of the speech with air glasses.
“You have to admit, it fulfills all those criteria,” says Isuzu.
“We could be instantly rich!” Marielle trills.
“Indeed, we would never have to worry about debts again,” says Henrietta. “Of course, we would want to have an event for the girls as well… say, two weeks later?” Her eyes shine menacingly as she looks at Akatsuki, who steps back a few steps and actually tries to hide behind Naotsugu.
“Agreed!” say Naotsugu and Tohya, grinning at each other. Marielle tilts her head. “Well, why not? It’ll be fun to dress up, right?”
Shiroe finally speaks up. “Please tell me the origin of this idea,” he requests to the group.
“Princess Lenessia,” says Krusty, leaning back against the door frame with folded arms. Despite his dignified appearance, his smile and posture combine to emit a creepy vibe. “She said that such things were popular entertainment among the lower and middle classes of her homeland,” Krusty informs them. “Since the adventurers don’t bother much with formality or manners, she thought it might work here.”
“Then it’s decided,” says Henrietta. “Two weeks from now we will hold the first Beautiful Adventurer Date Auction Event!”
Shiroe sighs. They’re all insane. Women are insane. At least he won’t have to be in the auction… “Shiroe is participating, of course,” says Krusty with an evil grin.
“What did I do?!”
“Nothing at all, strategist,” Krusty smirks, “but I already promised to be in the auction, so you’re going to have to suffer through it as well.”
Shiroe flees before they come up with any more great ideas. As he closes the door he hears Henrietta say “We’ll have Krusty, Shiroe, Naotsugu, Rudy, Nyanta, Soujirou, Isaac… Tohya, are you interested in joining as well?”
****
When word of the event gets out, the guild council has to designate a field outside the town as the event site, since not even the vast auditorium in the guild hall could come close to holding all the spectators. As the day approaches, a massive stage is set up, complete with dressing rooms for the men who will be forced to go out in front of the audience throughout the evening. The other two sides of the field are lined with booths, both for refreshments and for selling merchandise related to the participants. There will be about fifty auctioned men in total, including a dozen or so “special guests” (this list includes Shiroe, Krusty, and Soujirou). The money for the stage and paperwork comes from a council-run betting pool on who will be bought for the highest price.
Shiroe sees his name on tee shirts, pins, and small flags. At least it isn’t as bad as Krusty, whose face adorns a twenty-foot-high mural that has been propped up next to a booth selling merchandise devoted to everything Krusty. People are terrifying, Shiroe thinks to himself. At this point, why is he even surprised?
****
“I’m not wearing that,” Shiroe says calmly to the expert seamstress hired by Marielle, who was put in charge of fashions. The seamstress places a hurried call to Marielle, gets a frantic response, and agrees to a few slight changes to Shiroe’s costume that make it (almost) tolerable. At least it isn’t so much of an affront to his sense of decency…
****
The event is in full swing, having started an hour earlier. The field is crammed full of adventurers (for the most part, female adventurers) so much that hardly anyone can move. The guild found a way to squeeze even more money from people by creating a VIP section near the front of the stage--a hundred seats laid out in neat rows. Half of the area was for guests of the men who were being auctioned, but a seat in the other half could be bought for several thousand gold pieces. Lenessia, Marielle, Henrietta, and Minori all sat in the front row, talking excitedly among themselves. “Just wait until you see the costumes,” Marielle says loudly, her face bright red. Minori doesn’t see any blood yet but she bets the costumes will be nosebleed-inducing. Henrietta shushes them, saying it’s time to place that call to Shiroe…
****
Shiroe is dressed and ready to go, as long as he avoids looking in the mirror. He’s never felt like so much of an idiot since he arrived in this familiar new world. The only thing preventing him from ditching the event is knowing that he will face the wrath of both Krusty and Henrietta at once if he fails to make an appearance. Hidden away in the dressing room, he can hear the rumble of the enormous crowd.
=Shiroe?= Henrietta calls him by telepathic link.
“Yes? There isn’t a problem, is there?” Shiroe asks, concerned. He wondered if they had hired enough security guards to prevent the men from being mobbed.
=Nothing of the sort,= Henrietta replies. =I just have something to say, in order to motivate you.=
“I’m not going to run away,” Shiroe tells her, truthfully.
=Oh, no, we’re not worried about that,= says Henrietta. =I just thought I’d tell you about a last-minute change regarding money.=
Shiroe listens apprehensively.
=You see, we’ve decided that this is not a charity event. With the sale of merchandise, special seating… basically, we can afford to pay the honorable men who volunteered to do this for the good of the council.=
“Oh, so I’ll get some money out of this,” Shiroe says casually.
=Yes, in fact you’re likely to get enough to buy and furnish a second guild hall,= says Henrietta. =There’s just one condition…= She explains as Shiroe turns to face the mirror, his brain operating at full power as gold coins dance before his eyes.
****
“It worked?” Minori asks Henrietta anxiously. Henrietta smiles devilishly. “Oh yes. I think we’ll all be seeing a different side of Shiroe tonight.”
A terrified Minori looks straight ahead and doesn’t move a muscle as the other glasses villain smiles gleefully and says nothing more.
****
A hush sweeps the field as Marielle ascends to the stage, trailing spotlights. “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,” she says simply. “We will now begin by introducing each gentleman. There will be a short break after this, then we’ll have them all come back and the bidding will begin!”
The applause can probably be heard on the other side of the city.
The people in charge had decided that the introductions would work like a beauty pageant, with each man entering the stage alone, exhibiting some kind of talent, then exiting. The first man to emerge was Tohya, who had made it into the pageant for two reasons: being in Log Horizon instantly got you a fan club, and for the sake of increasing the age range of the audience to attract younger women. He walked out in casual clothing and waved and grinned at the audience. There were some cheers of encouragement. After performing some gymnastic movements including cartwheels and walking on his hands, he bowed and left the stage to mostly polite applause…
About ten people later, it was Rudy’s turn. Predictably, he wore an incredibly elaborate costume and had fantastically styled hair. He created delicate firework illusions for the audience while reciting poetry. Isuzu sighed as the young women in the audience applauded continuously. It would take months for his ego to return to its normal size…
Thirty people later. The crowd is tireless. The competitive spirit is alive with the gentlemen, and each performance is more thrilling than the last.
Forty people later. Minori has a headache from all the noise of applause and screaming women. It keeps getting louder, since the special guests were saved for last… There’s a pause as Marielle goes up to the stage. “Please give a fantastic welcome to each of our special guests!”
The first man to appear on stage is Isaac, leader of the Black Sword Knights, wearing… not much. His costume had a barbarian look. There was no shirt, just a few straps for the massive sword on his back. His well-developed muscles were on display, causing a dozen women to have nosebleeds and faint. He grinned and strode across the stage, flexing his muscles. No one really follows the complicated sword technique he performs on stage, since they are too busy ogling him as he works up a sweat. The applause afterward is at least triple the last round of applause.
Next up is Naotsugu, who has a hard act to follow--Isaac was chosen to be first in order to wow the crowd with the special guests, whereas the guardian just barely made onto that list, and it may have been Marielle at work. Still, he provides a refreshing contrast to Isaac by tuning his friendly and honest charm up to the max. He looks great in the armor that Marielle had specially designed for him, and his special skill is juggling. He leaves the audience sighing about how nice guys are really the best.
A few guys later… Nyanta is up. He made it so high on the list to appeal to women who liked a (cat)man who could cook. His special skill is making sweet crepes drizzled with chocolate right in front of the audience. The women in the audience are completely captivated.
The final three guys… Soujirou’s costume is stunning. He tells the audience that it’s inspired by a blue dragon, then performs a bewitchingly graceful dance. He has a couple of minutes afterward where he takes out a sheet of paper and reads questions from his fans, giving cool-but-charming answers to each one. The field shakes with the power of his fans’ applause.
Next up is Krusty, who comes out on stage in a complicated layered outfit, but doesn’t leave in it. He walks coolly to the center of the stage and looks out into the audience intensely. All of the women collectively catch their breath. Then, beginning with one spotless white glove and then the other, he slowly strips off each item of clothing. There is a small table next to him on the stage. He neatly sets both gloves on it, then shrugs out of his royal blue coat, casually folds it, places it on the table, and sets to work undoing one button of his vest at a time. Finished, it goes on the table next to his coat. No one in the audience is capable of self-control as he begins with the top button of his shirt, finally revealing a little more skin. The joyful shrieks of the audience must reach the next city. Krusty stops at that first button and looks expectantly out at the crowd of women. He doesn’t undo another button until he gets near-quiet. The next button provokes more sighs, gasps, and moans, so the entire process of removing his shirt is agonizingly slow. When he undoes the last button, he doesn’t bother with folding the shirt and putting it on the table, he just lets it drop to the surface of the stage. When the cheering begins to die down after several minutes, his hand goes to the top button of his pants. Fainting and nosebleeds overtake the audience. Before Krusty can go any further, Marielle announces that his time is up and drags him off the stage.
The last special guest is Shiroe. The inspiration for his outfit is ‘Prince Charming.’ Marielle had laughed when she saw the design, knowing that Shiroe would think it was ridiculous, but also certain that he would manage to work with anything he had, from rags to jewel-encrusted armor.
Prince Charming in Glasses walks out onto the stage. He moves elegantly, with the modest-yet-regal attitude of a prince. Strolling confidently to the center of the stage, he smiles, bows gracefully, and produces a simple scroll. He opens it and mutters a few words, but the effect is enormous. The scroll dissolves into a sparkling cloud of dust, and the stage begins to be transformed. White marble rises in shining lines, gold and silver squares sweep across the floor, and sweet-smelling snow-white flower petals drift down from high above. A gentle wind sweeps the effect across the crowded field. The entire area has taken on the form of a beautiful ballroom, right out of a fairy tale. The crowd goes wild. After all, an exhausted Shiroe thinks to himself, there are beautiful people in any world. Magic, however, is another matter entirely.