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Eddie had always known about soulmates. Since he was a kid, he would always hear his parents tell him that someday, he would meet a girl and would hear her heartbeat. If he was being honest, he never believed it, until one summer.
He was at the lake one afternoon, hanging out with his friends, when the most beautiful girl he’d ever met came up to him. He turned around, and he heard it. Meeting his soulmate had always felt like such an impossible thing. There were billions of people on earth, how was he supposed to randomly meet the one?
“Hi,” she quietly said.
Eddie froze. The sound of a heartbeat drumming in his ears had always felt like an impossible, unachievable goal, so he had promised himself not to look for it. Looking at the girl in front of him, her dark hair pinned back in a low ponytail, he couldn’t believe it.
The boy standing beside her, possibly her friend, opened his mouth to say something, but Eddie cut him off, suddenly losing all his manners, his soulmate standing in front of him being all that mattered. “Can you hear it?”
A blush rose to her cheeks as she breathed out, “Yes.”
It didn’t take them long to leave their friends behind. Looking back, it was a complete dick move. He had come out here with his friends. They were supposed to be hanging out, having fun all together for the first time this summer. For a single moment, he had felt bad for leaving all of them, but meeting his soulmate felt much, much , more important. He and Shannon had wanted to get to know each other as soon as possible.
When Eddie announced to his parents, who had been waiting for this moment their whole life, he had met his soulmate, they immediately rushed him with questions.
“Do you know who she is?” Many didn’t get to talk to their soulmate, meeting them in big crowds, never to be found again.
“Is she pretty?” She was the textbook definition of pretty. Long dark hair, pale green eyes paired with the prettiest smile.
“What’s her name?” Shannon.
He continued his life with her, heartbeat now quieter but always there in the background. She got pregnant, they got married, they had Christopher, he left.
He wasn’t proud of that one, but deep down he knew Shannon could at least always know he was alive. As long as she could hear the heartbeat, she knew her husband was alive.
War was the first time and place he had ever felt bad for his soulmate. When he was down, stuck with blood all over his hands, injuries barely visible under the dark Afghanistan sky. Eddie thinks this was the first time he had seriously thought about death. About what death really meant to him, what he really thought was awaiting him in the afterlife once his heart stopped beating.
After his first initial shock, he stopped thinking about Shannon. Instead, he thought of his son, his sweet boy he barely got to meet. He couldn’t die like this. So he fought. For Christopher.
After the army, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to Eddie that Shannon left. They had been fighting almost non-stop since he came back from Afghanistan. He wasn’t there enough, she was tired, she was scared, she needed someone and he couldn’t be the one she needed.
Her mother becoming sick felt like the last warning that their relationship was doomed. Shannon tried to warn him, telling him that she needed to be with her mother to take care of her, just in case something happened to her. Still, he stayed in Texas, in the comfort of his home, close to his parents, to what he’d always known.
He knew he should’ve followed her, supported her with what she was going through. That’s what soulmates were for, after all. But deep down, he knew this wasn’t what he was meant to do, what he wanted to do. Deep down, he knew something was wrong with their relationship, doomed from the start.
So Shannon left. Eddie let her leave and, after getting yelled at and reprimanded by his parents for what felt like the thousandth time, he left too.
Going to Los Angeles with Chris felt like something he was meant to do, like some natural force had been pulling him towards this city for a while. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel too bad leaving El Paso, leaving the only place his soulmate could find him again, if she needed.
At first, late at night laying in his bed, he’d hear the heartbeat and it would be enough to stop him from falling asleep. The constant reminder that he didn’t have a soulmate anymore, even if she was still there, somewhere.
Eddie knew that he could get over Shannon. He knew that, no matter how much he loved her, he had never been deep into love enough for him to miss her constantly. But still, nothing was worse than the feeling of losing his soulmate, not being able to talk to her, not being able to feel her heartbeat under the palm of his hand late at night rather than just hearing it in the back of his mind.
That feeling quickly faded when he joined the fire academy. In some way, it felt just like the army, but it wasn’t as controlling. He could still feel the sense of belonging he desperately searched for after leaving Afghanistan and Texas, the camaraderie and the close feeling of being around people with the exact same life goal as his, to save people, finally felt like something he was meant to do.
The harsh training to become a firefighter was even enough to drown out the sound of the heartbeat in his mind.
Joining the fire academy might’ve felt nice, but it couldn’t compare to what he felt when he first talked to Bobby Nash, inviting him in his team with open arms. Joining the 118 felt so natural, meeting Hen and Chimney, joining their already made family and still feeling accepted.
Eddie liked his co workers enough. Bobby was a nice man, who reminded him of the father figure he used to silently dream of late at night when he was just a kid. Hen reminded him of Sophia and Adriana. She carried this warm aura around her at all times, and it made him think of his two sisters, who he had abandoned back in Texas. Chimney was like a breath of fresh air. He was light, funny, and didn’t think twice before opening himself to Eddie.
Then he met Buck.
Buck, who seemed to hate Eddie before even getting the chance to see him breathe.
Eddie wasn’t so sure what he had done to him. He tried to ignore the dark twisting feeling that hit him deep in his stomach. The last time he had felt something like this, he was five years old, hugging a boy at the playground, and had watched as his mom looked up to the sky and quietly prayed soon after.
Both Hen and Chimney had tried reassuring him. His girlfriend left him not too long ago. He has a big ego. He hasn’t been feeling the best lately. No matter what they said, Eddie knew that wasn’t it. He didn’t know what was going on with his new co worker, but he knew it was something more than a macho man with an enormous ego.
Surprisingly, and fortunately, it didn’t take too long for the two of them to get along. One grenade pulled out a man’s leg and suddenly they were friends. Eddie still wasn’t sure he completely understood the man, but he told him his kid was cute, and it felt like enough for Eddie to completely invite him into his life.
He didn’t know how it happened, but soon enough Buck was over in his house, he helped Chris with his homework, and introduced him to Carla. It didn’t take long for Eddie to open up to Buck. He talked about meeting Shannon, talked about losing his soulmate in a way, talked about war and how scared he was of losing Chris. Eddie felt like he finally had something good. He had a great job, a stable life for Chris, a good friend and a newly made family that invited him over a little too often for dinner, but he would never complain.
Then Shannon came back.
Eddie knows that, realistically, he should be happy to see her again. Seeing the girl he had once loved. Seeing his soulmate, again, for the first time in years. But somewhere deep deep down inside himself something felt wrong, once again.
Despite this, he tried again with her. Eddie felt like he had to. Something he owed to himself, who longed for the feeling of a soulmate. To his parents, who had prayed for him so many times in his childhood so he’d find a soulmate. To the universe, who had decided, for some reason, that Shannon was meant for him.
He introduced her back into their son’s life, and he started picturing them living happily together as a family. Buck was still there, but never home when his wife was. He talked to Shannon about him, his work partner and Chris’ new friend. He talked to Buck about her, his wife and soulmate. Shannon wanted to meet him, and Eddie had promised to Buck he would get along great with her, but he always refused.
Then they started fighting again. Eddie still wasn’t there enough, despite sometimes spending 48 hours straight at home. He had tried to make it work, tried asking her to marry him again, but nothing seemed to make her heartbeat faster, make her love him again.
Shannon asked him for a divorce, not explaining why.
When Shannon passed, Eddie wouldn’t believe it. He was sitting in the ambulance, and knew she’d be okay. He could still hear her heartbeat. He was standing in the hospital, listening to the doctors telling him her time of death, and still wouldn’t believe it. He could still hear her heartbeat. The team told him their condolences, but he wouldn’t, couldn’t listen to them. He could still hear the heartbeat.
He got to Chris that day, and brought him home where they cried together.
He cried the death of his wife, the death of Chris' mom, but not the death of his soulmate.
For months after Shannon’s passing, he felt weird, like he had lied to her her entire life, like he was nothing but a fraud. He knew it wasn’t his fault, he had heard a heartbeat, and had seen Shannon. He had believed, with his whole heart, that the universe had put him out there to love her. He really had thought that he and Shannon were meant to be.
He felt shame. Eddie had been so, so ashamed. He felt like he hadn’t only lied to Shannon, but also to his parents. His parents who had only ever wanted for him to find his soulmate. His parents who had finally started breathing when he announced to them he had met a girl who, he thought, was his soulmate.
Then, Eddie started hating her. She must’ve known. If she wasn’t his soulmate, she would’ve known. She wouldn’t have heard his heartbeat. She would’ve lied to his face for years, decades, and made him believe they were meant to be together. Eddie had thought their love was written in the stars, had gotten over all their fighting, her leaving, because he thought the universe would make it all worth it, would bring her back to him and make her love him.
Make him love her.
In a way, he knows that he did, just not in the way he wished he did. Not in a way his parents wished he did. Not in the way he had convinced himself he did.
After another few months, he tried dating again. He knew he wouldn’t find his soulmate anyway. It had been so long since the day he first heard the heartbeat in his mind, he couldn’t possibly return to that day and think of who else he had met in that moment. Eddie had been blinded. Back then, the only thing on his mind had been the fact that he was finally doing justice to his parents. He had heard a heartbeat and had focused on the first girl he saw, Shannon.
Edie told Chris about his whole lost-soulmate-thing after he started dating Ana. He couldn’t possibly imagine himself lying to his own son about his relationship with his dead mother, but couldn’t bring himself to talk about it with anyone else. He was so scared of what other people would think of him.
He had already imagined it all. The disappointed looks on everybody’s faces as they learn he had been, unknowingly, lying to them all. The cold stare as they would realize he had been telling everyone a story who had only been built up over one big lie.
He thinks back to his parents’ reaction when he told them he had met his soulmate. The excitement and relief on their faces was too much for him to think of disappointing them, so when he met Ana, who had heard the heartbeat since she was a kid, not even aware of what it meant, he decided to try again.
At first, Eddie thought they must’ve been meant to be, in some way. He didn’t know who his soulmate was, she was too young when she met hers to even remember who it could’ve been, perfect fit.
Except that Ana wanted a partner, and Eddie couldn’t give her that. She wanted someone who she could be in a relationship with, forgetting all about soulmates and destinies, and he wanted someone to fill the spot his lost soulmate had left, unable to move on from the sound of a heartbeat in his mind.
After this instance, he knew he had to try and change his mindset about the importance of soulmates to be able to even think about dating. He spent a few weeks, a few months, dealing with all his ideas he had made up in his head about dating.
Eddie’s parents had always, always, bragged about being each other’s soulmates. All he can remember from his childhood is his parents, his uncles and his aunts talking about how they met their soulmate and got married. He can remember his abuela telling him that he’ll get to have that too, one day. He would meet a girl, and marry her. Since he was a kid, all he has ever heard is the word. Soulmate, soulmate, soulmate.
This thought kept him up at night. He thinks this is probably why he decided to talk to Buck about it. He needed to talk to someone about it. Needed to talk about the pressure that had been put on him at such a young age to find a girl, the girl, and spend the rest of his life with her.
It was late, late at night. They had an uneventful day at work, and he and Buck were the only two still up, not relaxing in the bunk room. Eddie had only been back from dispatch for a few weeks, he was still getting used to 24 hour shifts, and after so many sleepless nights, he was used to the feeling of staying up late until he felt the circles under his eyes start to burn, the feeling distracting him from the sound beating in his head.
Eddie didn’t know how to bring up the subject at first. He didn’t know much about Buck’s history with soulmates and all, and he was scared to accidentally bring back some old memory. Despite this, he was somehow able to get the words out of his mouth, like he was meant to do it in some way.
“I still hear it,” he had whispered.
Buck turned to him, with a look of confusion on his face, “Hear what?”
He sighed, “The heartbeat.” It felt so weird to talk about it. He had told Chris, and felt like that was more than enough people who knew. He didn’t want anyone else to see him as some sort of liar or fraud. “I was so convinced Shannon was my soulmate, I didn’t want to talk about it after she passed away.”
“Why did you decide to bring it up now?”
“I don’t know, it just needed to come out. I needed to tell you.”
Some emotion Eddie couldn’t decipher washed over Buck’s face, “Who else knows?”
“No one, apart from Chris. I couldn’t lie to him, but I trust you,” Eddie whispered in the last part, like he didn’t want anything to interrupt their moment, “More than anyone.”
“I know you do.” Buck whispered back.
Eddie doesn’t know what happened, how it happened, but he realized, in that moment, that he was in love with Buck. Maybe it was the darkness of the night, contrasting the summer sun in which he had met Shannon, but he realized, in that moment, that everything his parents had ever told him about soulmates was bullshit.
He looked at Buck, his best friend, and realized he was so in love with him he could forget about the heartbeat usually drumming so loudly in his mind. He might not have heard a heartbeat for the first time he met Buck, back on his very first day at the 118, but he knew that the universe had still planned for them to meet.
The bell rang, the others woke up, and they left.
Coming with that realization should’ve been terrifying, Eddie knows that. But he had loved Buck long before he realized he was in love with him. Loving him had been so easy all those years, like something he was meant to do, so he continued loving him in secret.
If Eddie wasn’t scared about being in love with Buck, he was for sure scared about Buck knowing about his feelings. After all the years he had spent getting to know him, he had gotten so used to having him around, he couldn’t possibly test his luck by announcing to him that he was so in love with him he could die if it meant that he could see him smile.
Buck was so, so important to him he couldn’t risk ever losing him.
Weeks had passed, and Eddie still hadn’t told Buck. Even when they were in the engine late at night and he was looking at Buck, being reminded of the night he realized his feelings for him. Listening to him talk about the family dinner he had with his and chimney’s parents, with the sound of the rain in the background, it made him feel so soft, so in love.
They arrived at the call, a big fire in some building, some other details he can’t bring himself to remember. He remembers Bobby assigning him, Buck and Chimney to ladder duty, he remembers loving Buck, clipping him up, a shout, “Alright cowboy, go get them”, he remembers loving him.
Then the heartbeat stopped.
Buck got struck by lightning and he couldn’t hear the heartbeat anymore.
Eddie thought that, once this moment arrived, he wouldn’t care. Because he didn’t know who his soulmate was, because he was already in love with another man.
Eddie was in love with his best friend, who he just learned was his soulmate, and he was gone.
He felt himself moving before he could even do anything. He began to climb the ladder, not caring that he wasn’t even secured, and started counting the seconds. 23, 24, 25.
He shouted Buck’s name, desperate for him to show a sign of life, show that he wasn’t his soulmate, that he was fine, that he hadn’t just died.
He got to the top, holding on to the rope, trying his hardest to bring him back up, bring Buck back to him. 48, 49, 50.
He felt Buck being brought down, and he looked down to see Bobby grabbing his feet.
He continued to lower the rope, and saw the team installing Buck on the gurney. 150, 151, 152.
He finally got down, finally reached Buck, only to be pushed away by Bobby and ordered to drive the ambulance.
195, 196, 197. Three minutes and seventeen seconds.
Then he heard the heartbeat. Buck’s heartbeat.
Eddie felt like he was coming back to life too. He loved Buck, and Buck was his soulmate, and Buck had a heartbeat. However faint it was, it was there . He knows that, realistically, the loud sounds around him should’ve been enough to drown the noise. The rain hitting the top of the ambulance, the thunder still making his hands shake as he remembered what happened just a few seconds ago, the siren ringing outside, announcing to everyone that his soulmate had just died.
He started driving even faster, a tear silently falling down his cheek. He needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.
He lost all sense of time after that. He got to the hospital, shouted at the personnel, and waited.
Eddie felt like he waited for ages. Maddie came in at some point, Buck’s parents did too, surprisingly. Carla arrived with Chris and they all waited together. He sneaked Chris in Buck’s room, and listened to his son talk like Buck could hear him. He felt another tear escape, unable to try and contain it.
He sat in silence, the only sound in his mind being Buck’s comforting heartbeat. He didn’t dare to make any noise, too scared to drown out the only reminder of his soulmate being there and alive.
When Buck woke up, he let Maddie and their parents go see him first. Then he let Bobby, and eventually the rest of the team. He asked Carla to take Chris, and paid her extra money to stay the night with him and his house. He needed to be alone with Buck right now.
Eddie took a deep breath, and slowly entered the room. Seeing Buck in front of him, breathing, alive , felt like a dream. Hearing the sound of the door, Buck looked up at him, “Hi.”
And fuck if that didn’t feel good to hear. “You died.” He didn’t know what else to say.
“My heart just stopped for a minute, it’s nothing.”
Nothing? Eddie had counted down the seconds in which he lost the man he was in love with, “Your heart stopped for three minutes and seventeen seconds. Wasn’t just a minute to me, Buck.”
Buck looked surprised, “You counted?”
“It stopped. The heartbeat. It stopped for three whole minutes and an extra seventeen seconds.” Eddie was so scared. He didn’t know if admitting to Buck that he was his soulmate just a few moments after he came back to life was a good idea, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care anymore.
Buck looked at him with a soft emotion in his eyes, “So, you know?”
What. “What do you mean I know?”
“That we’re soulmates.” How did Buck know?
“I don’t understand how it’s possible, but yes, I know. Didn’t before. How do you know?”
Buck sighed, “I was there, Eddie. That day you met Shannon, I was on a family vacation, which was a rare occasion for teenage me, and started hanging out with her for the summer. You were handing out beers, I tried to talk, but you were so focused on the girl in front of you, I wouldn’t have been able to”
Oh .
“Is this why you hated me, when I first came to the firehouse?”
He looked at Buck as he laughed quietly, “Yeah. I could only see you as the soulmate who ran away.”
“You know that I didn’t do it on purpose, right?” He couldn’t let Buck believe that in any world he would willingly let him go.
“I realized that pretty quickly. And I might’ve talked about it with Hen, who made me understand that not being with your soulmate isn’t an impossible thing, that most people don’t date their soulmate.”
Eddie stayed quiet for a bit. He wasn’t sure if that meant Buck didn’t love him in that way. He knows that not everyone needs to date their soulmate in order to be happy, he doesn’t either, but the idea of not ever getting a chance to date Buck made him feel sick. He had to at least try.
“What if that’s what I want?”
Buck looked him in the eyes, serious as ever, “I don’t want you to date me just because you found out I was your soulmate, Eddie.”
And oh. Everything somehow locked into place.
“Buck, do you seriously think I would ever only want to dare you because the universe decided for us to hear each other’s heartbeats? I’ve loved you for so long, I’ve fallen in love with you so easily it felt like breathing. I might’ve only realized it a few weeks ago, but nothing in the world could make me change the way I feel about you, even if we weren’t each other’s soulmates.”
Eddie looked as Buck’s mouth opened, just to close again. He saw him let out a big breath before finally murmuring, “Come here.”
Eddie had always known what love was. Since he was a kid, he would always hear his family members talking about how it felt to get married, to hold another person that you love, and tell them how they make you feel. If he was being honest, he never believed it, until one evening, as he approached Buck and finally kissed him like that’s what he was put on Earth for. To love and hold and kiss and simply just look at Buck.
He still wasn’t quite sure if he fully believed in the greatness that soulmates were supposed to be, but he believed in him and Buck, and that was more than enough for him.