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His parent’s house always felt ridiculously empty, too much space for such little love. They used to live in a big house in the mountains in the north of England, near the border of Scotland. He never actually liked his home, if he could call it that, every morning he would get up and as he left his bedroom he would have to look straight into his mother’s portrait with a disappointment face, never enough, never enough, never enough. The house was filled with the most expensive decorations to show off to their visits the big fortune they had, a lot of floral prints and pastel colors, all the elements that made it the house where his family had lived since the victorian age, and, as long as his mother hated most of it, she couldn’t do anything because her sisters would make a scandal. His favorite part, which he would recreate in his own house, was the amount of paintings, it didn’t matter which room of the house were you in that you’d always be surrounded by eyes judging you, that made him nervous, that’s why he preferred landscapes.
Regulus never was and never would be an only child, when he was born his brother had already come before, Sirius. Regulus was always the favorite child, but not by his own choice, he obeyed out of fear, his brother didn't, maybe his parents were too demanding or maybe they had given up on Sirius, they didn't even put up any resistance when Sirius walked out the door one night with his bags and didn't come back, they didn't care, because they had his replacement sleeping in the room above, who was also a much better one.
For his parents, Sirius just looked out for attention, breaking their rules and wanting to be free, hanging out with people that for them were inappropriate. Sirius didn’t want to follow the family manners, traditions and convictions, he wanted to see the world and find someone to create his own traditions with, someone that actually loved him.
As the time passed by, Regulus understood why Sirius ran from their house to a place rich with love, a place to feel safe. He used to dream of doing it too but he didn’t feel capable, even with the control and the abuse of his parents.
After years and years of persistence, his mother had managed to get into his head that he could never be enough to deserve her love, her compliments and the pride of carrying her last name but that he had to sill keep trying, because, if one day he got to be enough she would love him. And when Regulus tried to end the voice of his mother that whispered in his head, he wasn’t brave enough to follow the steps of his brother and over time, he drowned more and more, sinking in the waters of his bathtub. It wasn’t until he had almost made it when they noticed his absence, and, unlike his brother, there were consequences for him.
Shortly after, he felt brave enough to come out to his parents, but they thought he was rebelling, there were also consequences. His mother made him go to therapy twice a week during the worst three years of his life to overcome his depressive periods and his scandalous and inappropriate behaviors. It didn’t help. Regulus would hug his pain, like he always did, because at least then he knew he could still feel something, sometimes he felt like he was becoming a zombie that was insensitive of everything, because of his mother's obsession.
School wasn’t great also, it was better than at home but not the best thing. He had friends that understood him and he enjoyed most of his subjects, but like always, his parents had to be involved, his friends had to be approved by them so Regulus could keep talking with them, and also, Regulus was controlled under the severe threats of his parents, if he got any grade that was out of perfection he would be seriously punished.
And as if his parents weren’t enough, he had to deal with the energy that his brother radiated, he was the gravitational center of the people, when you came through a room he was the first thing you saw, as if his presence attracted you. Throughout his childhood Regulus lived under his shadow, since Sirius was the eldest son, the main son, but when he began revolting Regulus took importance at the house. At school he was never like that, he was always hidden, lurking in the darkness while Sirius lived surrounded by light.
It had been almost a year since Sirius left, since he packed his bags and ran away, without leaving a note or saying goodbye. Regulus didn't know why he still felt affected by that, it wasn't like they were very close, they probably didn't even reach the level of friends, so why did he care so much? Why did he feel like his house was slowly consuming him, as if it were crushing and suffocating him, since he had left? It shouldn't affect him, but it did. Still, no matter how many times he tried to convince himself that it didn't hurt, it did hurt, it hurt a lot. It didn’t matter how many times Regulus saw his brother from the other side of the school yard walking and laughing with his friends, it never hurt less, even though he knows his brother is in a place a thousand times happier. It was probably because of that boy, James, in Sirius’ words “He’s the brother that I’ve always wanted, the one I’ve always needed”. While he was at home he always talked about him and how sweet and caring were his parents, but James wasn’t in their parents list of people they could talk to so they threatened Sririus, but Regulus knew what would happen. Sirius refused to stop talking with James, and that was the moment when their parents realised that they should give up on him and look forward to his other child, Regulus.
Even so, he couldn’t help but wish he were in James’ place every time he saw them walking, hugging, laughing, making pranks everywhere, because he knew that used to be him, he used to be Sirius’ favorite person, even if he hadn’t been for a long time he could still remember how it felt, and he missed those times with all his heart, but he wouldn’t ever tell anyone ever.
But then it happened, Regulus was studying at the library, all his things were scattered on the table, books, pens, papers, notebooks, his laptop. He had gotten up to look for a specific book on literature form the late 19th century because they were studying Oscar Wilde and when he finally found it his hand collided with another that was also trying to grab it, and when he turned his head he could see to his horror that limb belonged to no one but James himself. “Oh, you need this book too? It’s okay, don’t worry, you can take it, I’ll look for it in another library.” That was the part Regulus hated the most about James, he was always polite with everyone, it didn’t matter who it was. James had a perfect personality that matched his perfect face, his perfect body sculpted by the gods, his stupid glasses, his fucking uncontrollable hair and his ridiculous jean jackets, and Regulus hatred every part of it because it reminded him of everything that he wasn’t able to have.
Regulus grabbed the book quickly muttering “Yeah, whatever you say.” and then he walked away towards his table again, but to his disgrace James had the nerve to follow him. Regulus asked him “What the hell do you think you are doing?”
And then James answered him with another question, leaving Regulus’ in the air. “You are Sirius’ brother, right?”
Reginald frowned at the question, he didn't enjoy being associated with Sirius. “Yes, I'm Sirius' brother. Why do you ask?” Reginald responded, trying to hide his annoyance at James' interruption.
“Oh, nothing, it’s just that we are pretty close, he’s a very nice guy, he’s always smiling and has a contagious energy and happiness. It must be fun to be his brother.” James commented with a friendly smile.
Regulus snorted, annoyed by the way James was praising his brother. “Yeah, hilarious,” he muttered sarcastically, returning his attention to the book in front of him. James, however, didn't seem to be discouraged, sitting in the chair in front of Regulus, as if he was completely within his rights to join his study session.
"Hey, we've never met each other, but it's like I already know you because Sirius used to talk about you a lot, he said you were an academic genius, and from what I see you still are."
Regulus wasn’t sure how to take the comment, because it was true that he did dedicate many hours to his studies but it was because he had to, so he wasn’t used to receiving praises. “Yes, it is true that I study hard, but I cannot understand why would ever Sirius tell you that.” he replied without looking up.
As an answer James laughed, “Well it’s obvious, he admires your dedication. We, on the other hand, are more of the “live in the moment” type, you know, carpe diem and whatever.”
And despite his initial reservations, Regulus realized that James wasn’t trying to be annoying, perhaps he had underestimated his brother’s friend. “I guess we’re all different” he admitted, finally looking up to meet James’ honeyed eyes.
The conversation kept going, and although Regulus still thought that James was being overly friendly with him, he began to realize that behind the sunshine boy facade, there was also a person with feelings and problems of his own. Little by little he started to open to the possibility that maybe James wasn’t as annoying as he thought. And so, in the midst of books and notes, a strange but intriguing friendship was born between two very different people, united by the bond of a common brother.
But Regulus was still Regulus, and James was still James. Regulus acts mean and stoic, but inside, he’s still just a child desperately seeking the love of his parents, because Regulus actually is afraid of never being enough for other people, of never being good enough, og never being worthy of deserve love. And Jams slips through the cracks in his relationship with his brother, hitting just enough insecurities to work his way through, causing fights, reckless words, and hurt feelings all for the purpose of bringing them back together, always finding and stopping them before they cause lasting damage to each other.
But Regulus was scared, scared of his brother, scared of his parents, scared of new relationships, and after years and years of damage, he discovered the sun, but it belonged to his brother, outside home all the good things belonged to his brother. Furthermore, he couldn’t allow himself to have a weakness that his parents were aware of, or they would use it against him. And although Regulus tried to resist this growing friendship with James, he couldn’t help but be intrigued by the boy’s persistence and kindness. As they shared more and more conversations, he began to notice that James wasn’t as foolish as he seemed.
The more they got to know each other, Regulus began to question his own emotional barriers. The pressure of being the “perfect son” had led him to close himself off to the outside world, but with James by his side he felt like he could fight all his fears, and although he still resisted opening up completely, James acted like a compass that guided him on the path of imperfection.
Still, the conflict between Reginald and Sirius was tough, but James did his best to act as a bridge between them. He had always been just a character in Sirius's life and now he became the link that reconciled them, instead of being an obstacle, he was the driving force to heal the deepest wounds and make these two strangers with the same traumatic past , two real brothers.