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Guanheng knew as he shoved his hand into the bag of Lucky Charms for what might have been the hundredth time that he was making a mistake.
The cereal dust that coated his fingers was thickened with sweat and his taste buds were no longer finding the sweetness of the cereal appetizing.
He forced the handful into his mouth and chomped down on the hard cereal that tore at his gums from how little time he gave it to soften.
It didn’t matter, he reasoned with himself, he’d throw it all up anyway so what if he was uncomfortably full and sick of eating. It wouldn’t last.
He’d take care of it.
He wasn’t sure how serious his plan had been when he first bought the family sized box of cereal. When he grabbed it during his grocery run the thought of purging it had definitely crossed his mind.
That it would come up easy.
But part of him thought he was joking with himself. He didn’t think he would actually do it. Not now that everyone knows. Back when no one knew about his habits when he made a purchase like this and told himself it was so he could purge it, he would have done it, no questions asked.
Less had changed then he had thought.
It may have been inevitable since he bought the bag and entertained those thoughts.
He’d already made a deal with himself, if no one came in by the time he was done he would purge and if not he hadn't eaten much today anyway and his body needed food even if it was Lucky Charms.
He had a perfect set up really. One Piece was playing on his computer and the hotel room was empty. Yangyang would be out for at least another hour or two. Guanheng was free to do as he pleased. So what if this is how he wanted to spend his time.
He was almost to the bottom of the bag when his door swung open. There was only one person it could be.
Yangyang hesitated in the doorway and Guanheng froze up, removing his hand from the bag. He didn't want to make it obvious but he felt like such a glutton and the disgusting dust that coated his fingers felt so much more uncomfortable and noticeable now that he wasn’t alone.
Yangyang observed Guanheng’s current state. “Are you going to throw that up?” Was the first thing he said.
He glanced at his lap where the bag of Lucky Charms sat. He shrugged, “It comes out green. So that’s sort of cool I guess.” He wanted to punch himself for saying that, it came out with no thought. He reached into the bag for another handful, feeling caught, before looking back at his computer.
He didn’t know how to feel about the fact that he basically just admitted that he was planning to purge. The part of him that wasn’t currently dying of shame was glad he could make these small comments acknowledging that whatever this was existed and had been a problem and still was one.
“That’s not as funny as you think it is.” The weight of the bed shifted slightly as Yangyang sat down next to him. “Kun said you were struggling today. I wanted to come and check on you.”
Guanheng scoffed, Kun must be keeping an eye on what he’s eating. The thought sent a shiver down his spine. “Kun is lying.” It didn’t count as lying if Yangyang already knew he wasn’t telling the truth.
All he got in return was an incredulous look from Yangyang. Guanheng sighed, shoving the bag of Lucky Charms to the side. He flopped back into the pillows covering the headrest of the hotel bed. There was no way he’d be able to purge now, not when Kun had gone and snitched, and definitely not when Yangyang was here hovering. Yangyang moved the remaining cereal to the nightstand on his side and flopped down next to him.
Part of Guanheng hated the fact that all of WayV knew about his problem, but it was for the best, or so everyone told him. Only problem now was that he didn’t have the escape he had come to love, as messed up as it was. He didn’t even realize how reliant he was on purging and controlling his food intake until he couldn’t do it anymore. At least not without someone breathing down his back.
“I know this is annoying.”
Guanheng nodded in return. Yangyang was trying so he would try back.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Guanheng shook his head no. So much for trying back. Guanheng almost laughed out loud.
“That’s ok.” There was silence for a moment. “You’re… you’re doing good, ok? You’re gonna be alright.”
“I don’t wanna think about this right now Yangyang.” They laid side by side, the silence surprisingly comfortable. He wasn’t sure how long they laid there before asking, “Can I have my cereal back?” Testing Yangyang’s limits.
“Are you full?”
Guanheng sighed. He probably wouldn’t get anywhere. He knew Yangyang wouldn’t stop him if he grabbed them himself, probably would even let him walk into the bathroom and purge. He knew that often once Guanheng set his mind to something he went through with it.
He didn’t reach for the bag and Yangyang didn’t hand it to him because, yes, he was full.
He didn’t want to admit that one of the only things keeping him from purging was the threat of his company putting him on hiatus.
Next thing he knew, he was blinking his eyes open.
“Come on.” It was Kun shaking them both awake. “Time for dinner.” He could still feel Yangyang next to him, curling over in the blankets and shying away from Kun’s touch. He didn’t even realize he’d fallen asleep.
“Kuuuun,” Guanheng said, slowly sitting up. He could feel how full he was once he was upright. He didn’t think he’d eaten that much cereal but he guessed most of a family sized bag of cereal counted as a lot.
“Yangyang, wake up,” Kun said, shaking Yangyang awake.
“You guys go, I’m full.” Guanheng flopped back down, intent on falling back asleep. He should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.
“You are not skipping a meal,” Kun said, and the look he fixed on him was accusatory.
“I’m full,” he huffed again.
“Did you eat already?”
“Yeah,” Guanheng said, pointing at the close to empty bag of cereal on the nightstand next to Yangyang who was rubbing sleep out of his eyes.
“Cereal, especially cereal practically made out of sugar, does not count as a meal.”
Guanheng felt his heart clench at the reminder of how unhealthy Lucky Charms are, and suddenly the weight that sat in his stomach felt ten times worse. Kun must have seen how Guanheng froze because he quickly back tracked.
“That’s not-” Kun started. “Sweet things are ok to eat, they’re just not a meal.” Yangyang shot Kun a look, probably begging Kun to shut up but Guanheng barely noticed, too busy calculating how many calories he just ate. He was so fucked.
He took a shaky breath, and tried his best to give Kun a reassuring smile, as though he hadn't just knocked Guanheng into a panic. “Kun-ge, I’m just really not hungry.”
Kun sighed, he knew he misstepped but that still wasn’t enough for him to back off. Being a kpop idol, his idea of what was healthy was messed up in its own right. “Have you had anything else to eat today?” and Guanheng felt too ashamed to lie as he shook his head no. “Just come eat with us, you don’t have to eat much, but I would feel better if I could see you. You really can’t just skip meals-”
“Kun,” Yangyang said, a warning tone in his voice.
“I’ll come,” Gunheng replied, uncomfortably aware of the fact that Kun probably just wanted him there so he knew he wasn’t alone and purging. Guanheng didn’t need a watchdog. Or he at least didn’t want one. He didn’t know what he did or didn’t need and he couldn’t convince himself 100% that he wouldn’t do something stupid if left to his own devices. Had this conversation not occurred he would have just gone back to sleeping, but Kun, intentionally or not, reminded him of how much he had fucked up and how much he had eaten.
Yangyang and Guanheng followed Kun from their hotel room to where the rest of the members waited in Kun and Ten’s room to eat together. They used to eat separately or room by room. Recently Kun had been insisting they eat together and Guanheng suspected that it was because of him.
“He’s just worried about you,” Yangyang said to him quietly enough that Kun didn’t hear.
“I know.”
When the door opened the echoing sound of the rest of the members greeted them. They had already started digging into the food in front of them that was perched on the small coffee table next to the hotel couch.
Guanheng put a few pieces of bok choy onto his paper plate, the least offensive of options, and began to slowly eat it. He barely got halfway through his plate when he felt a few of the members give him looks.
“What?” he spat, sick of it. Even if it was out of concern, Guanheng felt like they were treating him like a child or some mentally ill person who couldn’t do anything by himself.
Ten’s gaze snapped up from Guanheng’s plate, a guilty look on his face. “Sorry, it just doesn’t look like you’re eating much.”
“I’m not fucking anorexic, I just throw shit up.” He felt like an ass hole as soon as he said it and the room fell silent around him. It was extra dumb because he restricted and they all knew it, so Ten voicing his concern wasn’t unwarranted.
But they were all in the same industry together, and he was sure all of them had restricted as well. He didn’t want them to forget that as they scolded himm for his actions just because he took things a bit farther than they did. At the same time, he really didn’t mean to snap.
“Fuck,” Guanheng sighed as he let his face fall into a hand to hide from their piercing looks of shock. “I didn’t mean to say that. I’m just tired and I already ate so I’m really full, I don’t need all of you breathing down my back or checking my plate. I know I’m a bit messed up when it comes to food, but who in our industry isn’t?”
“I didn’t mean to overstep Guanheng, we’re just worried.” Ten said, putting his fork down like he was getting ready for a talk.
“I just don’t need you all looking at me like I’m acting weird. And I don’t need Kun-ge forcing me to eat food I don’t want.” He internally punched himself for calling Kun out like that, but like he said, he’s tired and full and really on edge. Half of him wants to get up and purge right now just to spite them, but for Yangyang he won’t.
“I’m just trying to help you be healthy.”
“Shoving food down my throat isn't helping.” He didn’t even want to think about what Kun was implying with the ‘healthy’ comment. And he didn’t even want to think about how unhealthy he must be trying to get away with eating cereal for all his meals of the day or of how disgusting the members must think he is now that they know too.
“I’m not forcing anything down your throat.”
“Good cause if you do, I'm forcing it back up,” Guanheng laughs out, harsh and bitter. No one else laughed and his words hit the room awkwardly. No one knew what to say to him. He had never talked about forcing himself to throw up so bluntly.
“Well if you’re full and you already ate, I don’t see the problem with you skipping dinner just one day. Just eat with us tomorrow,” Ten said. An attempt at peace and an escape for Guanheng to climb back out of the hole he had started to dig.
“His ‘dinner’,” Kun said with air quotes, “was Lucky Charms. He needs real food if he’s gonna have energy tomorrow.”
Ten sighed, sending Guanheng an apologetic look on Kun’s behalf. “Kun just let it go, he’ll be fine.”
“But he’s not fine! That’s why we’re here.”
Guanheng’s heart squeezed in his chest. He just made a big deal out of nothing and now Ten and Kun were arguing and Kun thought that he was incapable of eating a meal alone without freaking out. The whole group had to sit through this and as much as he wanted to put the blame on Kun, he knew that in the end it was his own fault.
He wished he could take it all back but it was too late now. He let his secret out and now he was suffering the consequences. If he could erase everyone's minds he would. The bit of relief he gained from opening up to his band mates was often overshadowed by embarrassment.
He stood up, leaving the few pieces of bok choy on his plate for someone else to claim. “I’m going back to my room.” As much as he wanted to keep the piece he knew that if he stayed here any longer he would either cry or scream.
Kun opened his mouth to say something, but not before Yangyang said, “I’ll go too.” Him and Yangyang were roommates for this meet and greet tour afterall. He shoveled a few more bites of dinner into his mouth before he followed Guanheng into the hall.
Guanheng shot Yangyang a look.
“What?” Yangyang asked, mouth full of unswallowed food.
“You didn’t have to follow me.”
Yangyang finally swallowed, “I know. I just wanted to.”
Guanheng hesitated, not sure if he wanted to tiptoe around it or not, but out of everyone in Wayv Yangyang was acting the most normal. Maybe it was because he suspected Guanheng had food problems before or he was just good at not letting new developments freak him out. Either way, with Yangyang he felt like he could act most like himself after getting caught. “I’m not going to purge,” Guanheng said after the door closed behind them.
Yangyang shrugged. “Ok.”
They barged back into their room only a few doors down from where the rest of them were still eating. Guanheng shoved his shoes off and flopped back down into the unmade sheets of the large hotel bed.
“Part of me wants to purge out of spite,” Guanheng says with a chuckle, rolling over and tugging parts of the comforter over his legs. “Give them what they want.”
After a small pause Yangyang hesitantly says, “They don’t want that, none of us do.” He started changing out of his shirt, pulling on the hoodie he slept in.
“It feels like everyones just waiting for me to mess up again. I wish there was someone who could just be there for me and let me do my thing and once I think I’ve taken it too far then I could ask them for help and actually want it.”
“Do you not want help?” Yangyang asked, joining Guanheng on the bed.
“Not really…” He rolled over to face Yangyang again. “It’s just complicated. I know what I do is wrong and is fucked up and risky. But at the same time I like doing it. I know that’s not how it works, but I honestly don’t think I’ve taken it too far.”
“What would be too far to you.”
“Maybe if I purged every day, or maybe if I started binging and purging often, or if I restrict so much I pass out.” Guanheng had no idea why he was saying all this, but the words flowed from his mouth easily. It was the truth and it was helpful that Yangyang was there to listen. It didn’t feel like he was judging him and it was nice to speak his mind about something he never imagined bringing up with someone.
They had done this before about different things. The two of them talking back and forth about all that was on their mind, delving into topics so deep they didn't even need to vocalize the fact that it was only whispered in the dark and meant only for one another.
“That would prove I have a problem.”
“Guanheng…” Yangyang’s voice sounded sad.
“You’re telling me you’ve never tried to make yourself throw up?” He propped himself up onto his elbow to get a closer look at Yangyang. He wasn’t accusing him, he was genuinely curious. He had thought about purging since he was in middle school, before he was even thinking about being an idol. A part of him believed that everyone else had too and he was just one of the ones who made a habit of it and got caught in the act.
“I haven’t.”
Guanheng flopped back down.
“Have you ever thought about it?”
“Not really, I think I always knew it was a bad thing to do and beyond that it didn’t cross my mind. I never considered it something that would happen to me.”
“Even after you became an idol?”
“Yeah, even then. I mean sure there were some times where I would worry about how I looked but nothing extreme enough to make me do anything about it except accept whatever diet the company put us on.” Yangyang picked at his cuticle. “Can I ask you something? I don’t want to be like, invasive, I’m just curious and you don’t have to answer.”
“Sure Yangyang, anything.”
“Have you ever binged?” Yangyang looked at him, gauging his reaction.
Guanheng contemplated the question, weighing how he wanted to answer it. “Sorta? I’ve tried before and I’m sure I could come to a point where I actually did it. I’ve wanted to, just for the security of knowing that everything I eat will come out smooth, because then I could buy bing food that is more… enjoyable, I guess,” Guanheng glanced at Yangyang, trying to judge his reaction and if he was completely weirded out yet.
“I don’t know if that makes sense, but if I eat a meal and then decide after to throw up, there's no guarantee of how smooth it will go. If I just bought ice cream and ramen then everything is smooth sailing and better, which I do, but sometimes I wish I had eaten three times the amount so I have more to throw up.”
Yangyang nodded along, “I think I know what you’re getting at.”
“So in that sense I’ve eaten more than is a normal amount to throw up more in the end, but I’ve never binged from losing control. It honestly hurts and tastes disgusting after I’ve eaten till I’m full so at that point I’m just forcing it down for the promise of how good it will feel coming back up. I don’t know what it feels like for people who binge a lot, if the binge is the most enjoyable part or something.”
“Ughhhh,” Guanheng ran his hands down his face. “I don’t even know what I’m saying and it’s probably so weird and messed up that I’m telling you this. I don’t want to sound crazy.” Guanheng wouldn’t be surprised if Yangyang walked out of the room right now from all the messed up things Guanheng was admitting to.
“You don’t sound crazy, but does it really feel good to throw up?”
“You’re not thinking of trying it are you,” Guanheng asked just to make sure. The last thing he wanted to do was influence Yangyang.
“No, I promise I’m not. I’m just curious.”
Guanheng felt bad talking so much, like he was taking up too much space in the conversation. But Yangyang did ask and it did seem like he wanted to know. It also felt good saying it all out loud to someone who was interested in hearing so he kept talking.
“I don’t think it feels good how ‘good’ normally feels. It hurts after a while, just shoving your fingers into the same raw spots in your throat. Feels like sandpaper. And afterwards it’s like you’re super fatigued and sore and shaky. But even beyond that, there's something so satisfying about eating something and then throwing it all back up. Its like a fucked up form of meditation that clears my mind.” At this point Guanheng laughed at himself. He wasn’t sure if any of this was making sense. “I don’t think about my worries when I purge and not for a while after either, it’s like I’m floating in a limbo.”
“This isn’t like triggering right.”
“It might be, honestly I don’t know. It’s nice talking about it though, so either way I don’t mind.” That was probably not what Yangyang wanted to hear. “But I don’t want to purge any more than I did before we had this conversation. That being said I really fucking want to but I won’t. Not today.” Guanheng thought about it more. “I think this has been helpful actually, to get my thoughts out.”
“Ok,” Yangyang replied.
Guanheng hoped he didn’t freak out Yangyang too much. He was probably going to regret telling him all of this soon, but for now he would just enjoy having someone who knew what he was thinking and was trying to understand his perspective without trying to fix him by saying unhelpful things.
Guanheng already knew he shouldn’t be doing any of this, he didn’t need the constant reminders that Kun gave him or the worried looks from Ten that were almost worse because they made him feel guilty that he was making them put up with his crap.
Logically Guanheng knew there was probably something deep rooted in him that made him think the ways he did about food and purging. He just couldn’t help but think of all of it as a choice. He decided he wanted to purge and he went through all the steps to get there. He did it to himself and that was it. Ten made it seem like a circumstance.
“Thank you, by the way,” Guanheng said.
“For what?”
“For listening to me, and for not making me feel like all of you finding out was the worst thing that could happen.”
“I’m always here to listen Guanheng. I honestly wish I knew sooner.”
“I’m here to listen too.”
“I know,” Yangyang replied. “And just so you know, I’m not hiding any deep mental or physical struggles from you.”
Guanheng rolled his eyes at Yangyang's dramatics, but even through the joking tone Yangyang said it with he could tell he was telling the truth.
“And just so you know,” Guanheng said. “Even if you don’t think it’s major I’m still here to listen.”
“You sound like a hypocrite.”
Guanheng laughed, “I do, don't I?”
“Well, I’ve not got any deep juicy feeling things to tell you, but I did just start playing this new game-”
“Wait,” Guanheng said, cutting Yangyang off and jumping up to a seated position in the bed. “How do I not know about this yet?”
“Oh my god bro, chill.”
“I will not! You know I love games and you kept this from me?”
“Kun told me not to overwhelm you with things.”
“Kun doesn’t know what he’s talking about sometimes, and since when did you listen to him?”
“And,” Yangyang continued, “If I’m being honest, I wanted to get a head start before you started playing,” Yangyang said with a devious smile.
“What the hell man,” Guanheng shoved Yangyang with a laugh. “That’s so messed up, you’re using my eating disorder as an excuse to hide games from me,” he joked, not completely sure if he could joke about this yet or if it would even go over well, but the way Yangyang scoffed at him told him everything he needed. Yangyang wasn’t scared of him and every mention of his food problems wouldn’t make things awkward, at least not with Yangyang. “Tell me about it then.”
“Ok, fine.”