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After D0G took care of the strider, they were finally so close to the white forest base that Gordon felt like he could take a deep breath again. He just wanted everything to quiet down a bit.
But Alyx had other plans and soon challenged D0G to race to the base but Gordon could care less. He didn't feel like driving overly fast just to beat D0G when the possibility of them crashing was far too high for Gordon comfort, especially considering how many times they had crashed. He continued to drive at normal speed despite Alyx's attempts to make him go faster.
He suddenly couldn't care what people wanted or needed him to do, and yet he continued to follow after alyx without acknowledging anything she said. Despite how much he just wanted to take a break and have everybody stop barking orders at him.
He knows they mean well, and he knows the combine had to be stopped but everything was just becoming too much. Hell he could practically hear it already. “Gordon do this. Gordon do that. Gordon you have to-” he was tired of it.
He was one more person ordering him around from blowing up. He even remembered back in city 17 how close he was to yelling at barney of all people. All that had been going around his mind at this point was just ‘why me?’
he did know why he was here actually, he just didn't understand why it had to be him. Was it because he was the most convenient person for the man in the blue suit to take? Was it just because he was at ground zero when it happened? What made him so different from anybody else that made it out of black mesa?
Oh right, that as well. Gordon still can't warp his head around why people look up and respect him so much. It's like he's the only person everybody cares about when all he did was really just kill a bunch of people and save some others. Alyx did most of that with him, why don't they look up to her as much? And what about Kleiner and Eli? They have done far more in the name of the resistance then Gordon could even think of, same with barney.
Gordon didn't really enjoy all of the attention, it doesn't feel earned and it probably won't ever be. He doesn't care how much the vortiguants worship him or whatever the fuck they'll say, he's not special.
Let alone is the one free man.
He hated people calling him, hated hearing and definitely hated thinking about it. Cuz everytime he did think about the nickname, he had this grown unease that it wasn't true, that he wasn't a free man. And he had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with the man in the blue suit.
He got snapped out of his thought by Eli clapping a hand onto his shoulder as the other man walked away and out of the room. He looked after Eli before around the room, he wasn't sure how he got here but he quickly noticed alyx there too.
He did feel like moving his hands so instead he just blinked at her, though it seemed like Alyx didn't notice. “I heard about a helicopter they had around here, so I'm heading there. How about taking a look around the base? Maybe get to know some people.” She suggested. At some point while she was talking she had started to move, and once again Gordon just followed after.
Despite not wanting to be told what to do anymore, doesn't mean he knows what to do. He has been in a consistent battle for weeks after weeks. It's been so long he's not sure what to do now that there isn't anything to fight at that exact moment. So when Alyx went to go and work on the helicopter, Gordon was left to wander the base.
It was more like Gordon stood still in the same spot until somebody caught his attention- some rebel talking about something he didn't catch- and called him over. They talked about giving him a tour around the place and without asking any further, just started to walk away. Gordon didn't argue though, at least he wasn't being told to go outside and fight off a sudden combine surprise attack.
Gordon tried to listen throughout the tour but his mind kept wandering away and most of the time it just ended with him zoned out again. Thankfully it didn't seem like the rebel noticed, or maybe they just didn't care.
After a few minutes the rebel turned around to look at Gordon, he could see what he recognised as concern but at this point he wasn't entirely sure. “Are you okay Mr. Freeman?” And for the first time in hours, Gordon finally signed something again. “[Yes. Why?]” His face turned from the neutral expression he had been wearing all day, to a confused one to convey his message better.
The rebel focused hard on his hands for a few seconds, seemingly trying to remember if he had the correct signs. He finally looked back up to his eyes. The concern on the rebel face was mostly gone by now. “You just look a little out of it. We can show you down to medical if you're hurt” the rebel explained. Gordon quickly shook his head.
Gordon didn't move to say something back for a few seconds cuz he didn't know what to say. He had allowed himself to truly feel or express emotions and his body's needs until. And because of that it was only now he tried just how tired he was. God, when was the last time he slept? Or even felt like he could sleep? “[tired, need to sit down]” he made sure to keep his signing to a minimum in case they were struggling to understand him, which seemed to be the case.
Again it took the rebel a second but after that they quickly showed Gordon to an area with a cough and some chairs. It was far enough away that people wouldnt come in or try to talk to him constantly but still close enough that he got to listen to people's voices as they talked and walked around.
The rebels left to do whatever they did and Gordon immediately took the opportunity to sit down. He was still in the hev suit so while it wasn't the most comfortable, he felt so much relief as he leaned back. He could feel his muscles loosen up and his body relax a bit. It wasn't by a lot but was enough for Gordon to feel it.
He tried not to think about the fact that this was the first time he had been able to sit down on a cough, that it was the first time he got to relax in weeks. He couldn't wait for everything to calm so he can get out of the HEV suit for good.
He took a deep breath before looking down at his hand, he still hadn't let go of the crowbar throughout all of this. He still doesn't feel like he can let go of it. Everytime he doesn't hold a weapon it's like his brain immediately thinks he's defenseless, even if nothing could happen.
Despite his own protest, Gordon finally loosened the iron grip he had on it and put it down. Yet it still was right beside him.
His hand felt numb from how tight his grip was and how long he had held it. He pulled off the glove on his right hand and started to massage it. When he did he could see the blood that was staining most parts of the hands, he wasn't even sure if it was his or somebody else. Most likely his, the gloves of the suit were still waterproof.
The whole suit had originally been waterproof as well, but over time holes and cuts had appeared in the material. Looking down it still has a pretty severe cut to the side of the suit where it has been weakened over time. He still remembers toxic waste Getting into the hole, but somehow it had worked out cuz it burned the open wound that had been there closed. Even if it hurts like hell. Maybe he should go to medical, maybe they could get him out of this suit.
He leaned forward with a heavy sigh. He took off his glasses to examine them, they had grain a few cracks and the frame was slightly bent but mostly they were just dirty. Dirt and dried blood stuck the frame and glass well, it was to the point it was getting annoying to see through. Cleaning them he had to do soon too.
He ran a hand down his face, but abruptly pulled it away when he felt his face was wet. He was terrified he had accidentally reopened a head wound and it had started to bleed again. But the hand came back clear, no blood was on it.
He stared confused at it before realizing. He put his hand up and rubbed his eyes to confirm his suspension, he was crying. And guessed he had been for a while by the tear dropped and landed onto the metal plating on his legs. He couldn't stop crying either, he didn't even know why he was crying.
It's not like he's sad, he wasn't really feeling any kind of emotions other than a bit relieved. Nor was he hurt. Sure he had been in pain consistently for the past 3 weeks but nothing that was bad enough to get him to cry. There hadn't been many times that he had cried for the weeks since he was let back.
Only a few that he could remember. He still remembers his tears mixing with the blood from a head wound as he tried in vain to pry himself out from underneath the rumble the hunter had trapped him under just after stabbing Alyx. He wasn't sure if he had been crying from the immense pain or the fact he thought he just watched Alyx die in front of him.
Thinking about it for the first time since it happened only made him cry more, a sob escape from his lips.
He was safe, he was okay, then why couldn't he stop crying? He ended up just sitting with his head in his hands, tears quietly falling down them. His glasses were long forgotten about and left on the table. “Hey Gordon ya in here-” his head shot up at the sudden voice, he knew that voice.
Sure enough Barney was standing ahead of him, staring at him with a… concerned expression? Maybe he's shocked. After all who wouldn't be? The person everybody is expecting to save the world from the combine is crying because he got to sit down.
Barney was kneeling down in front of him within seconds. His hands immediately shot up to gently hold Gordon's face as he continued to cry. “Are you okay??” was the first thing he had to ask. Gordon could hear the concern littering his voice, he could even hear the fear that was underneath it all. He hated being the reason for Barney being so scared.
Gordon could bring himself to sign something so instead he shook his head and clung onto barney's arm, another a sob betraying him and breaking out. “jeez love… What happened?” Barney's voice was so gentle and calm, it gave him comfort he thought was long gone.
“[Everything, I don't want to fight anymore]” he removed his hand from Barney's arm to explain, he was so thankful that Barney still knew sign language. If he didn't, Gordon isn't sure what he would have done. Barney gave him a warm smile, and it helped with his crying. “Soon you won't have too, I promise. The combine is so close to being gone.” he tried to convince Gordon.
Gordon finally let a small smile slip onto his lips. There was something so comforting about Barney holding his face, that he could nearly convince himself that nothing had ever happened. “[I'm tired, I want to feel free again]” Gordon admitted. Barney looked a little confused at his statement but it washed away in favor of comforting him. “[I don't feel safe]”
Barney wasn't sure in what way he meant, though it didn't matter to him. He soon leaned up and pulled Gordon in a hug and guessing by the way Gordon immediately burrowed his hand into Barney's shoulder, it seemed he really needed it. “I will do anything to make sure you're safe until the end, gord” he continued.
Gordon tapped Barney back telling him to let go. “[I've been close to dying more times then I count on one hand this week alone.]” Gordon signed fast, nearly too fast. Barney had to put a hand over Gordon to slow him down so he could continue to follow. “[I feel like if I keep fighting this, I'll die]” he raised his concerns.
Barney could see where he was coming from. Even though he's worked undercover as a civil protection officer, he had probably never gotten in serious danger of being killed. But Gordon had to go through that constantly. After all, the combine as a whole is a practical dead set on getting rid of Gordon in one way or another.
Barney tried to smile but came out more awkward then he intended. “You know I wouldn't let that happen, love” he said as he pushed his and Gordon's forehead together. “Hell, I doubt Alyx or Eli would either.” he continued, finally letting go of Gordon again. His hands settled by Gordon's knees.
“I'm pretty darn sure that if you were in serious trouble, anybody in the resistance would drop everything for you. Just how I know you would for them too” he explained, before finishing it off with. “You with the resistance now, we stick together no matter what.”
Barney smiled bright when he finally saw the way Gordon finally smiled too. Gordon tried to thank him but noticing what he was doing, Barney pulled him into a soft kiss. “Nothing to thank me for, darling. I'm just taking care of the people I love.” he gently held Gordon's face in his hands once again and he could feel the way Gordon practically melted into them.
They both wished they could stay like this forever but just as Gordon hand found it way up to cover one of Barney's, a voice came blaring over the comms. It was Magnusson calling Gordon down to the rockets again. They shared a glance before both standing up.
“[You'll be okay, right?]” Gordon signed. Barney pulled him into a tight hug.
“We'll be okay”