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Upon seeing the clock strike 13 past four, Zira jumped out of their chair and bolted out of the room before the rest of their peers could follow suit. The hard tapping of their sandals’ rubber bottoms echoed through the hallways accompanied by the soft jingling of the charms on their clothes. Dodging people left and right, they made it out of the building and bolted to the condos just outside of campus. Adrenaline coursing violently through their veins, they slowed down to a brisk walk once the outskirts of campus was reached. Zira walked a bit further into the courtyard leading to the condos before stopping, taking a few moments to breathe. They could barely pay attention to the beautiful day, instead watching their favorite weeping willow tree sway in the light breeze before picking the brisk pace back up from moments earlier. The sun warmed Zira’s skin but they paid little attention to it, as their stomach began to bother them again. No, distract them. Why am I so nauseous? They thought, fumbling for their keys as they approached their doorstep. A shaky hand struggled slightly to unlock the door, but muscle memory came to their aid and kept their arm still enough. Closing the door behind them after taking five steps into the room, their lungs filled deeply with air before exhaling a heavy sigh as Zira fell to their knees with their backpack slipping off their shoulders and falling to the floor with a big but muted thud. It was just positive feedback, nothing else, they thought, I didn’t do anything wrong, I just could have studied a bit more, that’s all.
“Just a bit more studying, I’ll do just fine,” they spoke aloud, breaking the silence in their home. Physically shaking it off, they smiled softly at the jingling of the shell and bead charms adoring their outfit and pulled themself together. Standing up, they walked into the kitchen and placed themself in front of the fridge, quite hungry from a lengthy day of classes. Zira examined the contents of the fridge, frowning upon seeing nothing of interest and moved onto the freezer for something quick to warm up. A jello-red container with a black lid caught their eye, a reminder of a large bowl of homemade potato soup flashing across their mind. A small smile formed as they reached for it and took it to the counter beside the stove. They squatted down to grab a saucepan perfect for the job and got to work. Another thought popped into their head reminding them of a freshly baked loaf of bread from a few days prior and their smile widened before pulling the bread knife from their knife block. Zira listened as the crunch of the bread’s crust tingled their mind, their mouth salivating more at every crunch of crust. A delicious aroma of potato soup grazed their nose the moment they went to grab a plate, causing their stomach to growl in hunger at the delicious meal being prepared. Inhaling deeply, they let go of the breath while grabbing their favorite navy blue wave-textured plate and matching bowl to plate their meal. Hands swiftly met bread, two delicious slices of bread meeting the plate, and bubbling soup meeting their ears. A good night they hoped, ignoring the conversation they had a mere two hours ago to pour the soup into the bowl. They swiftly swiped a spoon from the drawer and brought the plate and bowl over to the bar counter. The shells and beads softly clinked together as they grabbed a clear, tall glass rimmed with emerald green and filled it with refreshing water to pair with their dinner.
Ready to eat, Zira sat upon a cushioned stool on the outside of the bar counter and slowly savored each spoonful of soup whilst scrolling on their phone. Grabbing a piece of bread, they realized how much more relaxed they were than when they initially got home.
“It really was nothing to fuss about,” they softly said aloud before tasting another bite of bread.
“Or, perhaps- no, I’m over it. It wasn’t anything to worry about.” Taking a slow, deep breath, they exhaled for a good few seconds before shaking it off and continuing their meal. Scrolling for another ten minutes they finished their meal and placed the dishes in the sink before sitting in their favorite hanging chair inside a double-windowed corner. The view is beautiful today, they thought, as the courtyard and slightly-distant beach were both empty and the sky clear. Not wanting to think much, they turned on some uplifting instrumental music and picked up an unfinished beading project needing no more than a focused and uninterrupted hour of work. Perfect, Zira thought, I surely can’t be upset now that I’m doing a task I like.
— Two hours later —
Zira’s hands ached and were quite tense but they finished their beading and had started the rest of the finishing touches. A near-complete wrap top laid on the coffee table in the middle of their living room and a satisfied feeling warming their heart. Realizing the time, Zira picked up their backpack from near the front door and walked it to their little office before turning 180 and walking to their room with just their phone in hand. Upon turning the knob and opening the door, Zira’s heart sank while a wave of thoughts washed over their mind again. Laid out on the ground was the slew of textbooks and assignments they had studied that morning, covering nearly every inch of their floor. Trying to shake it off again, they sat on their cushy vanity stool to undo the intricately laced sandals adorned with shells and little star charms- a signature of theirs. Zira thumbed over each shell and charm to keep themself from getting too into their head, but it proved useless and so the sandals were set to the side.
“I should clean these up,” they announced to the silence, kicking the history book at their feet. The books were staring back at them- no, taunting them with their failures. Each and every one of them. Today’s feedback was so positive yet, in Zira’s mind, so utterly negative. Painful. Nauseating. Anger resonated through their body as they rose quite quickly from the seat before kneeling down to clean the books and papers up. With every touch of their fingertips on a book, their thoughts grew louder. And louder. And louder. A single tear turning into a couple, into a few, into a steady waterfall.The walls of the room seemed to be talking loudly to them. Taunting them. It was as if their thoughts were inside the room and echoing off of the walls. Their sobs mixed into the echoes, only further driving the negativity into their mind. Zira looked around their newly tidied room feeling nothing but suffocation. The room wasn’t closing in, yet it felt smaller and the air thicker. Terrified, they stood in the center of the room and looked at the ceiling. The room spun slightly, but not enough to cause dizziness. Their lungs felt heavy, heart pounding harder. And harder. And harder. Pain, though not exactly physical, radiated throughout their chest and Zira felt their stomach churn like rough seas.
“Quiet,” they screamed, “quiet quiet quiet! I can’t take it anymore. Shut up. Shut up!” Their tears streamed down their face harder, their lungs starting to hurt from all the deep breaths and threatening hyperventilation.
“Please! Please just shut up! Please. It hurts. Shut up. I can’t take it! Shut up!” they yelled into the air through choked sobs, feeling dizzy and faint. Zira’s vision went black for a quick moment, returning just moments before feeling a presence in the room, like something ready to take them over and leave them in a painful purgatory. Shaking legs turned to jello as another wave of black concealed their vision for a second once again.
“No… no no no… please… no…” they pleaded at the force, whose only response was to have them black out once more before standing straighter than they were. Zira’s long braided hair darkened into a rich indigo color, their eyes following soon after into a beautiful violet. Once a pale purple, their skin glowed an almost sky-blue color as the emotions fueled their body. Standing nearly rigid, tears streamed heavily down their face as their feet lifted off the ground. Vision was very spotty, yet too clear where the field lacked spots. Whispers of haunting thoughts faintly tickle their ears, ever so slightly increasing in volume and intensity as they repeat over and over.
“You passed, but I don’t think you’re ready for the final exam just yet. I know you’ve been studying but it’s in your best interest.”
“You did great, however, you should look over sections two and eight a few times.” “Yeah, you didn’t do it right. But, we’ve got plenty of time to finish our project. Take it a bit slower and look at page 278, it helped me a lot.”
"Your idea does not work at all, I’m not sure you understood the prompt. Here, let me help. I know you’re smart in there.”
Perhaps to others, some of these were harmless and even encouraging. But to Zira, they were like stab wounds rather than paper cuts. Tears could no longer fall as their lungs screamed for air, but they couldn’t stop thinking. They knew they were harmless thoughts and yet they were some of the absolute worst things they could hear. Even a text in a cold tone can send them spiraling into a pool of tears for no reason. Well, it felt like no reason to them. Zira could barely breathe as their vision faded and voice could no longer produce a sound to even cry, blackness overtaking them for a few seconds. Their color fades to normal as they fall to the ground, landing on their hands and knees. They choke out a few coughs as their vision started to regain.
Blinking at the harsh light, they notice their tiara had fallen to the floor in front of them, the shells and jewels shimmering in the sunlight coming from the window. Zira blinks a few more times before noticing that their reflection was fully visible in the tiara. A few leftover tears wet their eyes once more before they could finish catching their breath. Shaking violently, they manage to sit up on their knees to catch their breath as they are overcome with exhaustion. A few moments pass before their breathing has fully regulated, not without the tears staying of course, and they slowly shake off the whole ordeal. Unable to stand, Zira’s hands work their way over their clothes, undoing each tie, zipper, button, and hook, shedding pieces of their outfit. The clinking and clattering of shells and charms ring throughout the room as each piece of their outfit lay strewn across the floor.
Shivering, they take a few slow deep breaths as they run their hands over their body to keep themself grounded. Hands graze over the soft yet varying texture of their skin, picking up every sensation as they close their eyes and continue their breaths. Fingertips graze over each imperfection of their skin- a scar here, a dry patch here- as their heart rate slows further and further. Eyes still shut, their fingertips graze over their hips, stomach, and chest slowly. Up, down, and thumbs rubbing circles in tense spots. Focused on the repetitive movements, they accidentally brush across their nipples every now and then, sending more shivers with each graze. Feeling regulated enough, Zira hears the campus clock tower strike seven and their eyes open slowly, followed almost immediately by a large yawn. Realizing the time, they crawl over to one of their dressers and pull out a fresh pair of underwear and pajamas to wear. It may be early, but they knew it would be only a matter of time before they had no energy and would possibly fall asleep with nothing on- perhaps not even a blanket- so it was better to be safe than sorry.
Zira yawns loudly as they pull on the pajamas before turning their attention to their hair. Their hands worked quickly, tugging off the hair tie holding it together and separating each diamond with one or two fingers each. Their hair came undone, cascading over their shoulders in soft waves. Yawning once more, they remembered their phone was missing, dropping back to their hands and knees to crawl around to look. Grabbing it off of an organizer, they succeed in pulling themself up from the ground- not without multiple tries of course, so that they could close the blinds and lock the front door for the night. Their legs heavy, they manage to shuffle their way around and to their bed, slumping into it with barely any physical energy left. With the room partially dark, Zira spent a few minutes on their phone until the room darkened enough to really relax. Some music was selected before the phone was sat on the nightstand, no alarms necessary as it was now the weekend. Sleepy, they closed their eyes and sighed deeply as the music lulled them into a state of relaxation they lasted only a few minutes in before their breathing slowed, falling into a deep slumber. Tomorrow would be a better day, and sleeping everything off might just make it that much better.