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Silence reigned in the cold room, the grey walls echoing the sadness and sterility of the place. The white lights blinded his retinas, because they were bright, and the coffers on the wall perfectly reflected the function of the room, enough to make his heart sink a little more. The metal stretchers fixed to the floor, covered in white sheets, stood out against the dull tone. Lying on one of the stretchers, her black hair sticking out of the sheet, hugging her naked body with ease, Suguru swallowed hard at the lump that had begun to form in his throat.
Standing in front of Riko's body, he had cried enough. He'd cried enough when Satoru had taken her back to school on the way. He'd cried enough when he'd heard the clapping of hands, as if to applaud them, as they'd respectively almost died and failed to make it home with Riko alive. Neither Suguru nor Satoru had said a word on the way, concentrating on their efforts to keep walking, gathering their last strength to keep out of harm's way. Time and again, Suguru had felt like throwing up, as much from disgust as from sadness.
He had never had an easy life as an exorcist. Having to ingest curses to be able to manipulate them as he pleased afterwards, he'd seen better. But that was his fate, in both senses of the word. He had tried to find another solution, as had Satoru. But this technique remained the only option he had, forcing him to hold back his disgust as best he could. He'd had enough of the pitying looks his comrades were giving him. He didn't blame them, but Suguru was used to it. He was strong enough to put up with it, wasn't he? It wasn't as if he had any other choice.
When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he barely reacted. Still standing, as if his body were frozen like Riko's, he moved his eyes slightly to locate Ieiri's hand. She squeezed with a little more force than usual, and Suguru lifted his hands to come and wrap it around him, as a sign of comfort. They said nothing for a few minutes, supporting each other in a silence that wasn't heavy, but quite soothing. The silence was welcome after the events Suguru had endured a few hours earlier. Unfortunately, he felt obliged to break it, his voice hoarse from not having spoken for some time.
"Do you know where Satoru is? "
Ieiri didn't answer straight away, weighing up the pros and cons. Was it a good idea to let him join him, knowing how explosive their relationship could be? After what had happened, she feared they might quarrel, yet:
"He must be in the communal showers. That's where I last saw him. "
Suguru nodded, and with difficulty turned his back on Riko. Pursing his lips, he took the direction his friend had indicated. His heart was beating fast, even too fast. Why was a sudden fear of not finding Satoru gripping his gut? What if he'd disappeared inside the school grounds, which were reputed to be well protected? His legs moved of their own accord, and he couldn't help but quicken his pace. In the blur, he knew he had passed someone on the way. He knew it was Haibara, who had even called out to him, worried about Suguru's paleness.
He didn't give him a single glance, easily overtaking him, before starting to run towards the student dormitory building. Apart from his comrade, he didn't see anyone else. Until he reached his destination, his heart slowed and a look of relief came over his face when he saw Satoru. He noticed that he looked unwell, but alive. He was alive, and that was all that mattered to him now.
"Satoru" he called softly.
He was bent over a washbasin, head down and breathing rapidly. Suguru couldn't see his face, but he looked at him from behind, wincing slightly at the sight of his clothes stained with his own blood, which he hadn't yet bothered to change. Suguru stepped forward slowly. If Satoru had become aware of his presence, he didn't bother to make it known. Suguru tried to put his hand on his back, before realising that his fingers weren't exactly touching his body. No matter how hard he tried, it was as if an invisible wall prevented him from touching his best friend.
"You can’t touch me."
Suguru shuddered at the sound of his voice, which was just as husky as his own, probably since he'd been silent until then. Tears streaked his intonation.
"I don’t understand."
It's true, Suguru didn't understand. He knew that Satoru could control his Infinity, but the fact was that he never activated it in his presence, because he felt safe with him. He never activated it when Suguru had to touch him in any way. This was the first time he'd activated it when he was right next to him.
"Why did you activate it?"
Without even feeling it, Suguru could see all of Satoru's muscles tense up, and he grabbed the washbasin with force before turning sharply towards him. He grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the wall, Suguru’s back slamming into the wall behind him, and a cry of pain escaped him. Satoru's whole face showed that he was in pain. His blue eyes were tinged with red, spoiling the beauty of his gaze. The frown was deeply marked, and all his features were contracted in an expression of distress.
"What's wrong with you?" shouted Suguru.
His grip tightened on his collar, ready to strangle him if he put his feet flat on the ground. He knew his best friend wouldn't hurt him, it was just that the pain and anger were so obvious.
"What were you thinking? Why did you take it out on him alone? I thought you were dead, Suguru !"
At first incomprehensible, Suguru’s eyes widened. Had Satoru really believed that Toji had killed him? Yet he should have known better than to let himself be beaten so easily. He should have believed in him. But then, incomprehension gave way to anger. He reversed the situation, and somehow managed to drop Satoru to the ground so that he could stand over him, putting all his weight on his body and grabbing his collar in turn.
"Listen to me, Satoru. You've got to be kidding me. You dare blame me when the first person to do the same was you? Who attacked him first without any help? Who kept me out of the fight when I could have helped you ?”
Thanks to a superhuman effort, Suguru had managed to keep his voice calm and steady. He seemed almost emotionless, except when looking at his eyes. Satoru, on the other hand, knew that when he met his gaze, his fear shone through. His fear and anger pierced through him, leaving him to silently reproach him.
"But I had to protect you and Riko!”
"I could've got Riko out of the way so I could've come and helped you afterwards, you idiot. You know how I felt when he told me he'd killed you? I thought I'd lost you forever. I could already see myself saying my last goodbyes, preparing your funeral and living a life without you. Do you realise how reckless you've been?”
His voice was starting to go slightly off the rails, and just as Suguru thought he'd lost the ability to cry, a tear fell. One tear, then two, then three, then too many for him to count. They all fell onto the Satoru’s face, taking the place of the old tears that had fallen of their own accord.
"I was so fucking scared! Next time, don't go alone. Next time, stay with me instead of thinking about the safety of those who can't defend themselves" shouted Suguru.
"The only person I really wanted to protect was you."
"You won't succeed by shutting me out. Look where it's got us."
He finally let go of Satoru and moved back to sit a little further away, with his back to him. He hadn't wanted him to see him cry. Suguru hated breaking down in front of people, even if they happened to be his best friends. He huddled in on himself, breathing rapidly, trying to focus himself. But his body had decided otherwise, starting to shake with cold, fear or anger. He wasn't sure why he was crying any more. His nerves were giving out on him. He'd already seen enough horrors in one day than a 17-year-old could bear. He was too young to have been confronted with such nightmares.
He indistinctly heard Satoru holding back his tears too, and for a few minutes they didn't move. With Suguru's gaze hidden by his knees, he couldn't tell where his best friend was, whether he'd moved or remained where he was. His heart was being torn apart. Was it sadness? Probably. At that moment, it was as if all his emotions were mixing in his mind. He didn't know how to stop the storm. He couldn't sort out what he was feeling any more, too many negative feelings were taking up space in his soul, swamping him from side to side like a boat caught in a maelstrom. He rocked back and forth, like he used to when he was a child, to reassure himself. But even that was useless.
It wasn't until two arms wrapped around his neck, and legs grasps around his, that a small:
"I'm sorry."
Was uttered, the storm calmed slightly. Satoru rarely apologised. The few times he had managed to do so were to Suguru, and only to himself, if you noticed. His hands still trembling, he placed them on Satoru's arms, and realised that he could feel him against him. He sensed that he had deactivated his Infinity, and its warmth enveloped him. If you took a step back, you could compare it to a mussel clinging to a rock. In return, Suguru squeezed Satoru's hands, tears still flowing. His body was a little shaky, although it had calmed down slowly with the touch of his best friend.
Without saying a word, they detached themselves from each other, connected only by their fingers, which they didn't want to let go of. Dragging their feet, they headed for the dormitory and entered Satoru's private area. Given that his family was extremely wealthy, he had taken the liberty of reserving a section of the building for himself. This meant he didn't have to share any communal areas, unlike Suguru. At first, Suguru found this arrogant, but then saw the advantages. Even though there weren't many students, showering together wasn't his favourite part of the day. So, he would sneak into Satoru's house several times, taking advantage of a bath and an individual kitchen.
Arriving at their destination, they entered a large dark room. It was minimalist, so the decor was really uncluttered and impersonal. It was only when they went into his bedroom that it was filled out more, with several photos hanging on the wall. While Satoru showered, Suguru sat on the desk chair and took the time to look at some of the pictures. Unsurprisingly, he was present in three quarters of them. He was always there, in class, in the gym, eating, playing video games, in the arcade, sleeping. He could list hundreds of situations where Suguru had been photographed to decorate his bedroom wall.
Some were in pairs, others in threes with Ieiri. Several were with their whole class. All the pictures were of the good times they'd had since joining the school. It was surely a way of brightening Satoru's memories amidst all the horrors that exorcists usually have to deal with.
When it was Suguru's turn to wash up, he took the time to run himself a bath. After all, Satoru had had the nerve to buy himself a bath. The heat filled the room, surrounding Suguru in a sort of soothing fog, which he could also create in his head. The water stung his whole body, but that didn't bother him. It was pleasant. Crossing his arms on the edge of the bath, resting his head on them, his body gradually relaxed. He tried not to dwell too much on the day's events but ended up failing miserably.
He saw Riko's body shot, the pool of blood that seemed to form around her, when he had promised to save her, himself and Satoru. The arrival of Toji, telling him that he had killed his best friend, that he would never come back, that he would never breathe again. Anger and fear had seized him at that moment. His brain had switched to automatic mode, he was fighting only by reflex, his mind a thousand miles away from the scene unfolding before him. He remembers standing up to Toji but being too distracted by the painful loss of two loved ones, he was quickly overpowered. He remembers the agony that gripped him for long minutes, alone. For a moment, he wanted to let himself die, to join Satoru in the afterlife, if there really was one.
But despite himself, his body reacted instinctively. Ieiri's survival courses had come back to him, and he had applied first aid to himself in a feeble manner. He'd had to apply his own hands to his own gaping wounds.
Suddenly, Suguru felt the need to vomit at the memory. He rushed to the toilet beside the bath with a loud noise and gave back what his empty stomach forced him to give back. His body began to shake again as he tried to push the horrible visions out of his mind, but they kept coming back. Cowering on the cold ground, he didn't move to regain control of his body.
"Suguru ?"
Alerted by the noise, Satoru ran to his bathroom and stopped for a few seconds on the landing. His heart sank at the sight of his best friend in this state. Silently, he took him in his arms, and gently placed him back into the scalding water, which was steaming on the surface. Suguru slowly opened his eyes, his back leaning against the edge, and looked for Satoru’s hand. He remained with him, sitting on a stool near the bathtub. Weakly, they played with each other's fingers, the heat of the room making them sleepy. Satoru's touch soothed Suguru's head somewhat, always wanting more, caressing his hand, his arm, wanting his body against his. But he knew he had to be patient. They both knew that Suguru would stay sleeping in his bed, Satoru clinging to him as if afraid he would disappear.
Their touch was what allowed them to stay grounded in the real world, to clear their minds. They were constantly looking for each other, anywhere, even if it was just a brush. They were content with the smallest touch, as if to ensure that they could always count on each other no matter what happened.
Satoru's hand allowed Suguru to stay on the surface, to make his mind go silent for a few moments.
"Do you want me to wash your hair?"
Suguru only let Satoru take care of his hair. It was a privilege that was not given to everyone. Even though he always asks him the question, he knew in advance that it would be the answer. Yes, and always yes. Suguru liked it when Satoru took the initiative, and Satoru liked taking care of it. He rarely took care of his own, but his best friend's was an exception. They spent evenings styling Suguru's long black hair, trying several combinations. He loved running his fingers through it and could do that for hours.
So, when Suguru had accepted, even if there had not been much suspense, Satoru was happy to get down to his task. It was another excuse to spend time with him, as well as touch him, obviously. They both knew it, again. Satoru was not discreet, and he would never be when it concerned him. All his requests surely hide something and his intentions behind them were easily recognizable. Suguru knew how to read Satoru like an open book very quickly after their first meeting. Once you got to know him, it wasn't difficult to detect his quirks, his way of thinking and reflecting, his habits.
Or maybe it was a power that Suguru had. After all, all his comrades had already pointed this out to him. Only he could predict and accommodate Satoru. The outside world couldn't. They had spent time analyzing it, without success. So, to see Suguru understand him perfectly was a miracle. Surely it was because he was his best friend? Many times, they had joked about how Suguru was just half of Satoru's soul. While they laughed about it, Suguru really considered this fact. Maybe it was true after all? They complemented each other, they managed to coordinate, and to believe themselves invincible next to each other.
It was childish to think like that, but Suguru couldn't think otherwise. It seemed that the presence of his best friend had really changed his mind. The hands that gently massaged his scalp felt good, closing his eyes, he let himself be carried away. Satoru was always caring in these moments, and that's what he appreciated. He knew he could leave his life in his hands, he knew he would be safe. There was no doubt about that, after all he was his best friend, right?
A few minutes later, Suguru was wrapped in a towel three times too big for him, even though he himself was quite imposing. He didn't know where Satoru bought them, but he definitely needed the address. The fabric was soft and warm. Or maybe it was just the heat of the room that gave that impression. He shrugged his shoulders. Certainly.
Satoru had disappeared somewhere into his room, to let him get dressed in peace. It was only when Suguru walked through the door in his pajamas that he found him spread out on his bed, waiting. No lights were on, only the rays of the moon passed through the window, without shutters. Closing the door behind him, he guided himself to the weak light source available, dodging the clothes and various objects collected on the ground. Satoru still hadn't learned how to tidy up, which made Suguru, who was quite manic by nature, tense up. But it wasn't like he wasn't used to it.
Suguru slipped under the sheets, knowing full well that his best friend wasn't sleeping. And indeed, Satoru clung completely to him as soon as he lay down. Arms around his waist, and legs tangled with his, he lodged his head in his neck. His breathing hitched there, at the speed of his heartbeat, while Suguru secured his arms around him, adjusting to his position. He could finally truly relax. The cocoon of sheets, even though the summer heat could be stifling, was reassuring. His body was reassuring. Satoru maintained a steady hold on him, and under his hands, Suguru felt him tense.
"I'm here." he whispered in his ear.
He knew two best friends didn't act like that. That they weren't as close, not as tactile. That they would not feel as reassured when the other was present, wanting their contact to soothe themselves. He knew it, and more than once, Ieiri had made the remark to him. That it wasn't normal, but it wasn't serious either. That there should be more than friendship in their relationship. Suguru knew that Satoru felt the same way. He felt it. And yet, neither of them had initiated anything, neither discussion nor moment of intimacy.
However, it was a good time to do it, right? Suguru didn't know. After everything that had happened today, he no longer knew where to turn on several topics. Including the topic "Satoru". The only thing he was sure of was that he wanted to kiss him. Even if it was just once, it would be enough for him. He wanted to know the feeling of his lips against his, to know where he would put his hands, to know how he would react, if he would say something, if he would gain the upper hand or let it happen. He wanted to find all these answers to these questions. Love has always been a big interrogation for Suguru.
Maybe Satoru was the answer to that interrogation. He was hesitant because it wasn't easy to take the plunge. He would not make a confession, because he had never learned how to make one. He felt like a simple “I love you” wouldn’t be enough, because he felt much more than those three words towards him. But how to describe it? How can he make him feel like he loves him more than he needs to? His feelings were too strong, and at the same time, he didn't know what he felt. Everything was too strong when it came to Satoru. Too strong when he touched him, too strong when he talked to him, too strong when he laughed with him, too strong when his attention was only on him. How could he tell him that he would cherish him, that he would always put his life in his hands no matter what might happen in the future, that he would love him well after death?
His heart was beating excessively fast. He wanted to try. What could he lose? All of it certainly, but his thoughts were getting confused. He wanted to kiss him, the desire burned his lips. Suguru lowered his head to cup Satoru's face with his hands. Satoru slowly opened his eyes, as if he was just waiting for his signal to open them. His eyes pierced into his, and Oh how Suguru loved the blue of his irises. He could drown in it for hours and never tire of it. And to think that his look was only for him at this present moment. He smiles slowly.
Without a word, as if they were once again coordinated, they leaned in to kiss each other at the same time. It wasn't fast, or again, perfect. It was a bit clumsy, not knowing what else to do, and light. But it was enough for Suguru's heart to explode from the sensation. Satoru's hands caressed his back gently, and after a few seconds of them being apart, they laughed together. Of nervousness, of joy. It was not when Satoru initiated a second kiss, longer and better harmonized, that they lost themselves in their movements. It was still a little messy, but it wasn't disturbing.
They felt like they belonged, that their hearts were at peace, that what they were doing was right. Their hands didn't really know where to place now. As they continued to kiss, inviting each other into their respective intimacies, their fingers ran all over their bodies, searching for the best places to rest. But it felt like the whole of their beings were in the right place, so they took turns exploring, their legs locking together for a little more closeness.
They spent hours in this bed, testing each other's reactions, experimenting with their lips on different corners of their bodies, observing the repercussions it could have. They felt good, like they had found what worked best. Every time they kissed, millions of shivers went through them. Each time they kissed, their souls found each other a little more.
It was as if Suguru would never be able to tear himself away from his lips.
At this memory, Suguru delicately touched his own, breaking into a sad smile. He often remembered that day, always finding the same comfort in thinking about it. 9 years since his lips had touched Satoru's. 9 years of his body wanting to touch him, repeatedly. He sometimes saw him from afar, resisting the urge to take refuge in his arms, as before.
His heart broke again. No, he still hadn't told him. He hadn't had the courage to tell him what he had felt, even today. Satoru Gojo will probably never know that he loves him, that he loves him more than himself or any other person. He will be able to tell him when they will meet again in death, because there was nothing that could separate these two souls who longed to find each other a little more each day.