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He really doesn’t know where it all went wrong, where all hell went loose, when he stopped being careful. He has no idea what led them to this point, if it was just one thing, or if it was everything.
All he knows is that the first mistake happened was inviting Aki over for another sleepover. He hadn’t been been very well, his mind felt cloudy, and maybe inviting him over could’ve fixed that. Plus Aki seemed exhausted too, he seemed worn out from studying for finals.
Big mistake.
They walked home together, it was like any other day they had a sleepover. Food, studying, watching some movies, and playing some games. Just having a good time. At least, that’s what was supposed to happen…
His next mistake was offering to change into pajamas so early in the night. It was only seven in the evening, and they didn’t have school tomorrow, but Harumi didn’t want to be in his uniform anymore.
Huge regret.
The last and final mistake he made that night that had been the cherry on top of it all was changing in his room instead of the bathroom.
He was reaching for his shirt on the bed when the door opened suddenly.
“Hey Harumi, where’s the-”
He looked up and watched as Aki’s face changed way too fast. He felt scared, he had never seen Aki look at him like this ever.
Condescending disgust.
Harumi felt his throat go dry, “A-Aki, I can explain-”
He watched his bright eyes darken, his jaw clenching tightly, and turning around, “I can’t be here right now.”
Harumi grabbed his wrist, feeling his tears welling up, “Aki wait-”
His hand was tossed away aggressively. Even Aki surprised himself, but he still didn’t look at Harumi, “Don’t. I’m going for a walk. Don’t follow me.”
Harumi watched Aki speed to the door for a second before closing his door, leaning his back against it as his body slumped down, grabbing his knees close to his chest. It was only when he heard the slamming of the front door echo through the empty apartment did he let out a loud sob. He buried his face between his trembling knees, once loud sob after another, shaking violently.
This was the reason why he concealed it, so this wouldn’t have happened. He knew Aki would be surprised about it if he told him, but he didn’t think it would end up like this.
Did Aki still love him? Did he still care about him? He gasped when the last thought hit him. Will he ever come back..?
…
Akhiko was angry, but not for the reason most people would think. He was outraged, and hurt, and conflicted. He felt like he had a good reason to be mad, he definitely did.
Did Harumi really not trust him?
He had told Harumi things he couldn’t admit to so many other people, and yet, Harumi couldn’t open up, even just a bit? Would he just never have told him?
(Also he admits it’s his fault for barging in)
His mind was stirring and he knew that Harumi had a reason to keep it to himself. So, he tried to put himself into Harumi’s shoes.
If he had wanted to be trans to identify as a different gender and be seen as that gender specifically, he would try to conceal his cis-gender too. He would struggle telling other people around him that he’s trans, but he doesn’t have to. That information should belong to him, and he has the choice to share it with others. So yes, Harumi had all right to not tell him.
Yet, Aki wasn’t just anyone, he was his boyfriend, doesn’t that make it different from telling a friend? Shouldn’t Harumi trust him and know that Aki will always love every fiber of his being? Now that is wrong.
Aki knew Harumi never intended to make him feel lesser than for hiding it from him, but he knew that he could tell Aki anything… Right..?
Now that he thought about it, Harumi never liked to talk about himself, he never opened up about things as intensely as Aki, so he could see how this must be hard to talk about too.
He sat on the sidewalk, looking at the stars above. Its beauty was nothing compared to Harumi’s, he could outdo the universe in seconds. Aki felt tears run down his cheeks.
He messed up.
He has to fix this.
He got up and began running back to the apartment, fixing what he broke.
…
He finally got the energy to get up from the floor to put on his shirt. He crawled to his bed and curled up into a ball.
His tears wet the blankets, his hair covering most of his face. He felt so small. He felt like he had been thrown in the deep end, sinking ever so slowly. Every part of his being hurt.
Why couldn’t have he just been born a guy?
He didn’t believe in a god or goddess. He didn’t think someone would be cruel enough to trap a soul into a body that didn’t feel like it was theirs. He used to feel like an imposter in a girl’s body. He didn’t like it.
The thing that stung the most was that his body was probably the closest thing he had to his mother. His dad always used to tell him he looked like her.
He felt like he was shaming this body by hiding the truth away, but he just knows deep down, that he is not a girl.
He knows that if his mom was alive, she would’ve still loved him, no matter what. At least that’s what dad says.
He didn’t like girls, but he still identifies as a guy. He doesn’t think there has to be a valid reason to being trans, why can’t him being happier as himself be enough?
He can’t change who he is. He doesn’t want to change to he is. He wants to be himself, be free to be the person he wants to be without being judged by those around him. That was all he wanted, yet he couldn’t even have that.
Because the only person he loved was gone.
Suddenly, he heard the door creak open, he cursed. He never went to lock it. Someone might be breaking in. Oh well, better to die of murder than shame.
His head lifted up quickly when he heard, “Harumi?”
He felt a bit dizzy, but he got up and stumbled out of his room, “Aki?!”
Aki was going to say something, but Harumi went and engulfed him into a hug. He’s not a hugger, but if hugging Aki will keep him by his side forever, he’ll hold him and never let go.
Tears began to leave his eyes again, “I- I’m so sorry I kept it from you-”
Aki hugged him back tighter, “I’m sorry for not hearing you out first. I don’t really know much about this, but I know it’s hard to tell others.”
He shook his head, “No, let me finish. You’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, and I know you would respect me- I just didn’t know if you’d still love me afterwards.”
“I will always love you Harumi. I love you for who you are, it’s what makes you special. But you know you can talk to me about anything right? I will never judge you for it.”
Harumi couldn’t stop his tears as he cried into his chest, “I love y-you”
He heard a sniffle from above him, “I love you too Harumi.”