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His ears rang as juno stood in the doorway. His mother- sarah steel stareing down the barrel of a blaster. he barely glances at his mother or that fucking blaster he was too busy stareing at the fireing line in horror. At the end of the fireing line was benziaten steel lieing dead slumped in on himself sat in his ballet gear. He'd been so excited to show juno his new solo. Bang. Bang. Bang.
The next couple hours where a blur of red and blue lights, The searing cold of the curb underneath him, that fucking blaster shot ringing in his ears and the horrible questions; ben, his mum, why he hadnt been there, where did sarah even get a blaster, where juno had been. Why hadnt he been there! He could of stopped this from ever happening. His mind was wrapped with guilt as he instinctively told the paramedics bens allergic to penicilan and latex. When they give him a look half way between pitty and tiredness, juno almost sobs right there and then. Once he was done with their gut churning questions and their stupid procedures and paper work juno races straight to his dorm at the academy.
Still in shock the sound of the blast ringing in his ears. Bang. Bang. Bang. he curls up in bed hugging his knees and sobbed. his roomate was away for the week for some earthren holiday, juno didnt want to be alone. his body shakes with violent sobs and he sits up whipeing his eyes. "Crying is for the weak" he could hear his captain say. "Fuck steel calm down. he's fine b-bens fine. Your fine" his voice was hoarse as he told himself lies that could never be true again.
A blur of blood ,pain and sobs of guilt roll past junos eyes in a daze. He cries quietly as he wraps his wrists in bandages. "I know it sucks juno but you can't be hurtin yourself like this" bens gentle voice rang out in nothing but a memory. Bang. Bang. Bang. juno remembers how ben reacted once finding out what he'd been doing to himself all those years ago. It hadnt been that long he gussed only 3 years. He remembered how ben had started making sure juno was ok more often, he rememebered feeling so weak. Juno sees the pills as he roots in his drawer for some more bandages. The pills mick had left by accident, the pills juno had been doing so well on ignoreing. He couldnt take, them he could get kicked out of the hcpd if he failed even a single drug test. But he could forget all about this for a couple hours, Juno stares at the small bag. On the one hand he'd been clean for almost a year if he took one now he could be kicked out of the academy. on the other hand juno wanted nothing more then to forget all this and be anything but upset. He hated these feelings ,he wanted to be rid of them.
Juno picks up the bag, it would be so easy it would get rid of all the pain but instead of making a stupid stupid choice he puts the pills back in his drawer. then he gets a hoodie on and walks down the hall he just needed some company he just needed to be around someone so he wouldnt be able to take anything. Bang. Bang. Bang. Thats why he was knocking on sasha wires door at 3 in the morning. Sasha was the only women in their section so she got a private room. sasha also happend to be pissed at juno though for a dumb comment he'd made about her parents being just as crappy as his. turns out he was so very wrong.
Sasha(s): juno? What do you want. Its late and im tired and i dont want to deal with- what on earth happend to you.
Juno(j): can i come in ?
S: why? Whats going juno
J: please sasha its-.....i know i was an ass earlier and im sorry, but if im alone im gonna do something stupid. i dont wanna do something stupid. enoughs gone wrong tonight...please
Sasha hesitantly opens the door more and lets him in she turns on the lights and closes the door. she was dressed in black pyjama bottoms and a white tank top. She looked tired, the essay on police brutality they'd been assigned sat on her dimmly light desk half written.
S: its late lights out was hours ago we're up early tommorrow juno. what happend.
J:....its ben...
S: wh-what happend?
J: ma she ...
His hands start to shake. Bang. Bang. Bang. juno startles as he feels tears welling up in his eyes he wipes them away and sits down. he was not going to cry again. Sasha sits next to him she was a mix of worried and freaked out she'd never seen juno upset like this before he was usually the type to laugh through the pain or stuff it down whatever happend she knew it was serious.
S: you wanna go on a walk? Might help calm you down?
Juno nods and sasha takes a moment to get changed as juno stands outside trying not to think of the blood that drenched bens favourite leotard. He tries to ignore the constant reigne of fire of that single bullet. 10 minutes later and their outside walking through a nice park one sarah used to take him and ben to. Juno tries to shrug off the pin prick of hurt from the memory.
S: you wanna say what happend?
J:.....sh-she she shot him sash....she shot him hes gone...i-i...
There was a long moment of scilence as juno tried to steady his breath. It was hard to put together sentances when the bullet still rang out in his head.
J: she said she could'nt find her pills....thought he took them she-she thought he was me sash.. i-if i was there i-i could of stopped it. i-i got better instincts then him maybe i coulda moved or at the least he wouldnt have had to- it shoulda been me!
juno clenched his fists in anger. It should of been him.
S: juno.....i-im so so sorry
J: yea..me too.....whys it always good people....
S: wish i knew...
The two walk scilently as the darkness surrounds them with a calm. So much pain, so much loss. Juno wanted to ask how sasha got through loosing annie but the chokeing guilt kept the question burning in his throat.
As the bullet rings in his head all juno can think is how It should of been him.