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“Tony~” I greet as my little kid brother comes out of the Hotel and sits with me alone in the darkness on that frigid night.
“It's okay, Johnny~” He says calmly and brushes up against my right side, letting me know he's sitting beside me, that I could relax knowing my bad side was safe.
I take that invite and relax completely.
I set my bad side along his left and breathe calmly.
I'd learned since coming here that trusting in someone wasn't so much as a bad thing! Hell, it was a way of survival! One I should have seen sooner rather than later.
The whole of my right side is a test to that statement.
Bent and broken right leg, twisted and snapped upper right arm-
The missing four eyes on the right half of my face and the grotesque scar that sealed their fates.
Not to mention the punch to my middle by his deadly barb-
“It's okay~” Tony repeats and I feel with my lower right hand his fingers lacing with mine and holding it protectively, reassuringly.
“Why do you keep sayen that, Tony!?” I ask finally and get a simple, “Cause, it's okay~” In reply.
“What's okay, Tony!?” I ask and he shifts carefully.
I hear his voice pointed skyward and thus follow and see whatever he was looking at.
“I'm proud of you~”
What did that have to do with the sky!?
“So is Molly!”
Where was he getting at!?
“As is Mama~”
“Tony!?”
“It's okay~” He repeats and I begin to shake, emotions welling up inside me, begging to be released yet I wasn't sure I could handle them once set free.
“I'm sorry-” I find myself suddenly whimpering and his arm wraps around me.
I'm shaking harder, biting my lip and breathing hard.
DON'T CRY!
MEN DON'T CRY!
I snarl at the feeling trying to come up and out of me and hiss, “I'm so fucken sorry, Tony! Molly! Mama!”
“If you take my apology, Niss, I'll gladly accept yours~” Tony whispers, the same actions repeating on him sept he's let his emotions go free.
NO!!
I HAVE TO BE STRONG!
“I'm so fucken proud of you, Tony!” I whimper tighter and dig my free broken hand into the ground, trying to anchor me into place.
I was strong!
I was a man!
“It's.. It's okay, Johnny~” Tony whispers through his tears and holds me closer.
“You took care of us ever since Mama passed… Not once did you let us down!”
“YOUR IN HELL, TONY!” I bark and a few hot angry tears slip free from my remaining four left eyes.
“For reasons outta your control, Niss~” He says so calmly that I whine and let my head fall to my chest.
“I chose ta follow da Family like you, but you's didn't put dos drugs in my system! Didn't tell me ta sleep wit every other guy for my next fix!”
“Dat was outta your control, Johnny! And I'M sorry for dat!”
“You've gotten so much better-” I whimper and he sniffles but I can hear it in his voice that he's smiling.
“And so have you~ It's okay~”
“It hurts, Tony-” I whisper and clutch my chest as if I've been shot.
He squeezes my hand letting me know he was still there and I slowly bury my scarred face into his side.
“It hurts so fucken much!”
“Some wise people told me, it's okay ta cry~ It just means you's been strong too long~”
“And Johnny, booooy, you've been so damn strong for waaaaay too long!”
I bawl like a fucking baby after his words slip free. It's like they struck me, broke open my core and pulled everything out.
Mama's death, I held back crying since I had Molly and Anthony to look after now.
Beatings from Pops when he caught any of us showing any other emotion, beatings as teachings, belittlement, hatred!
Losing Molly, I was strong for Tony!
Losing Tony I let slip my first and final tears then ever since-
Was Hell-
Was Pops-
Was killings, ruthless killings!
So many emotionless killings!
Never a moment to release the anger, pain, feel any joy, happiness!
Untill-
“It's okay-” Tony whispers and cradles me now as I scream at the top of my lungs as I release my innermost demons, darkest memories, hardest moments!
Always alone-
Always so cold and alone!
Untill-
“Molly a…and Mama a…re proud of you too, Tony!” I manage and look up at him.
“So am I!”
We touch our foreheads together for a moment and just cry.
Alone together in the dark frigid night, we cry!
We cry over past losses, past abuses, past Jobs, past loneliness and fears!
“I'm okay, Tony~” I manage as we pull away from touching our foreheads together and finally look at one another.
“Yes you are, Johnny~” He returns and hugs me close and I return the affection and breathe gently within the embrace.
I was only so strong until I came to the Hotel.
Then, I learned how to really be strong!
Trusting, caring, loving, crying!
It's okay~
I'm okay~
Everything would be okay~
I could finally feel that and it felt amazing!