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I can’t believe this! A date? How am I supposed to find a date?
“And since it is a ball, you must dance. You cannot make a laughing stock of the entire school! Is that clear?” McGonagall continues. She looks at us, all of us. “Is that clear?” She asks again. “Yes, Professor.” I mouth it. I’m more concerned about finding a date.
“Mr Black, Care to demonstrate with me?” She asks. Oh god. All my friends' expressions are different. James is holding in laughter. Peter looks mortified. Remus looks almost sad. I get up. As soon as the dance starts it’s the only thing I’m paying attention to. The music ends and Professor McGonagall lets go of me. Thank God.
“Alright boys and girls. Everyone find a partner.” I watch as everyone finds their partner. Friends with friends. Boys with their girlfriends. James to Lily. Peter to the girl he always brags about. Head boy of Gryffindor, Frank Longbottom, to his soon to be wife, Alice. It ends up being just me and Remus without partners.
As we dance, the touch feels awkward. Different than before. Nothing has changed though so I have no clue why it’s different. But I feel like we shouldn’t be this close. I don’t look at Remus, though.
I look at everyone else. Love is all around, almost taunting me. I can never be with the type of people I like. Remus’s hand against my waist grounds me. I’ll always have my best friend. I ignore the date thing for now. And I just dance till the music is up.
*-*
I only manage to ignore the date thing for 2 days because in potions class on Wednesday, I’m asked to the dance. A girl in my year I hardly know. She’s pretty but definitely not my type. So I say no.
And Snape, witnessing it all, asks “Ah, don’t have a date to the dance yet, Black.” He spits out my last name like a slur. “Why? Are you really that desperate?” I tease. Snape doesn’t scare me so it’s just a bit of fun. But he scowls and walks away.
Potions is my last class of the day so after Slughorn lets us go, I make my way to the library. Not to study. Just to get away from the people I know. But of course, the second I get back to the common room, I’m swept up in the drama again.
I walk through the opening in the wall just to see a crying Lily, head buried in Remus’s chest. “What did James do now?” I ask instead of a greeting. I love James but sometimes I think Lily deserves better. She mumbles something into Remus’s jumper. “Got into a fight with Snape. Frank tried to intervene and James broke his nose.” He translates.
God can’t James stop fighting? “I’ll go talk to him.” I say. I’ve known James the longest. My family was glad to have another pure blood family around when I was a kid. That was before they realized the Potter’s were not like us at all.
Lily mumbles something about a shower and peels off of Remus. “I should talk to James too. I’ll get changed first though.” I walk with Remus into the dorms. Something drives me to look the other way when he’s taking off his jumper. Maybe because he doesn’t wear a shirt when he’s wearing jumpers. But that’s not really an excuse. I’ve seen Remus shirtless many times. Somehow this feels different. Still shirtless, Remus throws his dirty jumper into the hamper.
“So,” I start, trying to make conversation, not eye contact. “So?” Remus repeats. “You have a date to the dance yet?” I ask, casually.
He frowns “I’m going with Lily. As a friend, of course.” He replies.
My heart sinks. He must be able to tell I'm disappointed because then he says “Don’t worry, Pads, you’ll find someone.” He pats me on the back. Somehow I feel like that’s not the problem. I don’t know what the problem is.
*-*
“Do you want to go to the dance with me?” Another girl in my year asks. I really don’t. “I do.” I lie. She kisses me on the cheek, hard and walks away. My heart sinks even lower. This is not what I want.
“See, I told you you’d find someone.” I jump at the sound of Remus’s voice. I don’t even know her name. The dance is in a week though and I’m one of the only people left without a date. “It’d be easier if I could’ve chosen who I wanted to go with.” I state, grimly. Remus’s face goes dark as I walk away.
I need to tell someone about this. But I don’t really trust Peter with it and James would just make fun of me. I really don’t know how I end up in Frank Longbottom's room, but he listens. “So let me get this straight, you don’t want to go with her?” He asks after the short version of the story. I just nod.
“I don’t really understand it myself but I have this feeling like I wanted to go with this other girl. But she told me she already had a date and now I’m just… stuck.” I make up part of the story. I can hardly tell the head boy that the ‘Girl’ is actually Remus Lupin. “Well, you know, you don’t have to go to the dance with her, you can just tell her you like her and see what happens then.” Frank advises.
He seems to know I’m not talking about a girl. But if he does, he doesn’t care. “And what about Mila?” I ask, finally knowing the name of the girl. “It’s just a school dance, Sirius. Those relationships hardly last a couple months.” Months? He detects the horror on my face. “I’m not saying that’s the case. I’m just saying that a lot of people who go to the Yule Ball together and start dating because of it, don’t last.”
I guess he’s more of an expert on relationships than me. He’s been dating Alice Brown since their 3rd year. “So what should I do?” I ask. He shakes his head. “Only you can choose.” He responds. How am I supposed to choose? I don’t even know what I want!
*-*
On the night of the Yule Ball, I spend a long time getting ready. More than half of it is just turning things over in my head. I don’t see Remus all afternoon. “D’you know where Remus is?” I ask James. He’s still mad because he can’t go to the dance. He’s been suspended from it. “No clue, probably off stealing my girlfriend again.” He swears under his breath. “Oh shut up!” I hit James with a pillow. I can’t stand his negativity right now.
I leave the dorm as quickly as possible and pick up Mila, who I’ve learned is a Hufflepuff. She’s stunning. Really, truly beautiful. We’d make a good couple. If I liked her, that is. The champions arrive and they dance first. I still don’t see Remus. “Have you seen Moony?” I ask Peter at the punch table. “Nope.” He says and gets back to dancing with his girlfriend.
But then I do see Remus. I turn around and there he is. In a fitted red suit and black shoes. His hair is neatly brushed and his eyes are sparkling. I can’t focus on anything else for a minute. Oh. I’m in love with Remus Lupin.
-*-
My best friend walks over to me. He must’ve caught me staring. And now that I know I can hardly keep it in.
“Hey.” He says. It nearly takes my breath away, just hearing his voice. Even though I’m wearing high shoes, he is still much taller than me. “Hi.” I reply. My voice feels shaky, uncertain. “How’s your dance going?” He asks. Not good. I want to reply.
“Remus, we should talk.” I state, looking at the door. “What’s up?” He asks. I signal to my date that I’m leaving and that she can dance. “Not here.” I tell him. He follows me outside.
There’s two kids in a carriage nearby but I ignore them. All I can think about is Remus. “This is going to be hard for me to say. But now that I know for sure, I don’t think I can keep it in.” I start. Remus looks at me, concerned. “You’ve been acting weird lately, Pads.” He tells me. “I know.” I tell him.
I need to put my feelings into words. “I’m not usually the type to get jealous or anything but tonight, seeing you with Lily, I just got so…mad. And at first I didn’t understand it but-” I can hear realization hitting Remus. “You like Lily.” He states. I laugh really hard at that one.
“No.” I say, not finding the rest of the words. “No, it’s ok Sirius, you can’t control it I know and-” “I like you, Remus.” I spit out. I can’t stand the look on Remus’s face. “What?” I wait for a minute, letting it sink in.
Then I feel my best friend leaning down, down towards my lips. I feel the light brush of his lips on mine. Then I kiss him like I’ve never kissed anyone before (an absolute lie). “Dorms?” I ask after breaking the kiss, panting a little bit. “Dorms.” Remus replies. We get to my bed and kiss like there’s no tomorrow. His jacket comes off, then his shirt then his pants. And eventually there’s nothing left
*-*
We’re laying in my bed now. People are trickling in from the ball little by little. But Peter will hardly care and James is trying to get Lily back. My hands are still in Remus’s hair. His hands are still on my chest. God I really love this boy. But I have one more question. “What are we?” I speak into the darkness of the night .
His leg brushes up against mine as he turns to face me. “What do you want to be?” He asks me. “Boyfriends.” I reply, easily. He kisses me on the forehead. “Then we’ll be boyfriends.” He says.
I can’t believe it. I have a boyfriend. Me, Sirius Black. All because of a stupid dance. I think about what Frank said. About Yule Ball relationships not lasting. I think me and Remus will. Because the day I let go of him is the day I die.
I hold Remus tight. It’s funny how close we are now. If you told me 5 years ago that a poor, halfblood, werewolf, boy was the person I loved most in this world, I would’ve laughed right in your face. But now, it’s the truth. I love Remus Lupin.