Work Text:
How do you explain depression?
You wonder if that is what you really have. You don't want to get diagnosed. You're terrified of it being official. You cling onto the hope that your sudden waves of sadness are something else. Even though the realistic side of your mind tells you otherwise.
That.. show ended a long time ago. How long has it been? You lost track. You don't want to remember it. You don't even want to acknowledge it by name. But things are back to normal. Relatively.
You still go to work. You still chat with your coworkers, your friends; the ones that hadn't moved on when you died.
And yet you don't feel happy.
You may smile, you may laugh, you may joke. But an endless rustling of anxiety fills your heart and mind.
Why aren't you happy?
There's nothing actively bad in your life. All your friends and family are happy to have you back. They support you.
Why doesn't their support fill you with hope?
You spend more and more time inside. Laying on your bed. Your house rusts with dust. Chores that you were on top of before get forgotten. You do the minimum to get by. You don't have the motivation to do more.
What happened to your drive?
You spend more and more time on your phone. Your eyes stay glued to the screen. Any screen. It helps you avoid the outside world. But now it's becoming a problem. Without a screen, you don't know what to do.
What are your hobbies?
You like to bike. That was how you got to and from work every day. But that reminds you that you don't have a license. Other adults know how to drive. You never needed to know. But that means everyone else is smarter than you.
Why even try?
You sit at work, at your desk, and another sudden wave of anxiety fills you.
Why?
You're tired of feeling this way. Suicide. The thought whispers sweetly into your ear. You could leave all this behind. You could let your soul drift peacefully into the night. But no, you can't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the people who know you. And you're scared. Scared of the pain it could bring you before you die. But refraining from suicide would mean you have a reason to live.
What do you live for?
Your hobbies? What hobbies?
Your dreams? Dreams are forgotten.
Maybe you live for a peoples instead.
Your family? No. You love them, but they don't understand.
Your friend and coworker? No, he doesn't understand either.
The love of your life? But she lives so far away. And you don't want to go through the stress of traveling. And with what money? It's not plausible.
The person who died with you? The person who supported you on your journey? But it's been so long. And you're too anxious to call him. He might be busy, and you'd be pestering him. He might want to forget about you and everything relating to it. That's what he wanted before.
If you have nothing, or nobody, to live for, why live?
How many more times will you joke about killing yourself before you actually do it?
When will it be before all your bottled up emotions spill?
You almost never cry. You expect that it'll happen one day. But that day never feels like it's coming.
You have a fun evening with your friend. You crack some jokes with your coworkers. You spend time with your family. You talk online with your soulmate. And, in the moment, you have fun. You feel happy.
But then those moments fade. You get home, and sadness crashes into your heart. You feel so mentally fragile, but you never break.
Why don't you feel happy?
But you were happy earlier. Because your life was back to normal. Because that traumatic period of your life ended.
But you don't feel happy.
Are you a proverbial dead man walking?
You don't believe you'll end up doing it. But your impulses grow stronger and stronger.
Why can't you feel happy?
Self harm? People do that. That won't help you cope. That'll make things worse. You don't want to feel that pain.
Drugs? You promised your father you would never. If he found out, it would hurt his soul. And if there's one thing you consider yourself, it's not a liar. Even so, the thought of feeling better tantalizes you.
What do you have to live for?
Why don't you feel happy?