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Warnings: angst, fluff, descriptions of injury, blood and canonical violence
It hurt. The gash on your side brought you almost to tears, and the anguish was rich. It threatened to invade the composure of your mind, but you kept your form still and enveloped with gritted facade. You were a Captain of the Scouts, and the losses and injuries upon this mission were heavy. I can't cause more burden, not when more need help over me. Oblivious to some members of the Scouts and blatantly obvious to others were the beliefs of one person who would immediately contradict your current thoughts; Levi. You knew what he would say and do if he saw you injured, especially in a state like this; he wouldn't listen to your incessant reassurance. But even more so, you could imagine his anger as he forced how you got the injury out of you. He would berate your carelessness and your reckless conduct. But in your mind, you did what any leader of the Scouts, or truly any good-hearted soldier would do; you risked your life to save another's.
She had been young, and she was screaming like her life depended on it; because it did. You knew she was a rookie and evidently of a squad that had been wiped out during the dire events of the mission. She had witnessed as her squadmates and no doubt close friends and mentors were ripped apart. The scene was of unspeakable crimson red. The sudden ambush of Titans upon what was meant to be a simple recon mission had an incredibly adverse outcome. Erwin would likely be displeased to learn he had lost around half the Scouts and many new members. The newer members were the ones that would keep the ambitions of the deceased alive, for humanity, or at least that's what the blond-haired Commander would often say. But you also found yourself agreeing. The goal now was clear as day: to abandon recon and limit as much loss and death as possible. That's why you told your squad to stay put when you heard a distant screaming. They had looked at you hesitant but complied.
She was within the grasp of a fifteen-meter Titan, wide brown eyes seeping with fear, dread, and hysteria. She was facing the very cause of her impending death, facing the pain that would inevitably come as she was digested alive. Brown pigtails swayed as she thrashed and moved violently, voice lost in mania. She embodied images of children you would see running about within the walls; the very innocence and individuals we all tried so hard to protect. You knew you had to be fast, but two smaller titans lingered, crazed looks upon their mutilated faces. You can't afford to hesitate. You stand atop your horse as you latch onto one of the smaller Titans quickly slicing through the nape before it even knew it was falling. You move not wasting your time, and attach to the next, turning in a series of well-practised movements before the other Titan falls to the ground.
The problematic fragment of the rescue came with the very Titan that had the young Scout in its hand. You couldn't kill it carelessly as that may mean the young scout dies or gets injured on impact; your movements would have to be wary. You attach to the shoulder of the fifteen-meter Titan, and you see in the young girl's eyes that she is lost in her terror as the pressure of the Titan’s grasp seems to surge. You move as you see her gaze widen; she is rapt in fear and disillusion; she is barely responsive. You strike, swiftly cutting through the nape, but trying to follow the movements of the Titan falling to gather the young scout into your arms before she falls. She is there, just about with you as she screams when the Titan falls to its knees. However, you underestimate the extent of the girl's terror. Instead of recognising your form coming to her rescue, she panics and tries to release her ODM gear, but it's broken. As wires release from her gear erratically, one side grazes your side severely. In a split second, you feel searing pain and shock, but you manage to get the girl to the ground safely as she is finally within your arms.
When you reach the grassy floor, she is still shaking in your grasp, sobs racking her body and breaths concerningly uneven. You, on the other hand, look down beyond your Scout cape; the cut is deep. Not enough to be fatal immediately but also enough to leave room for worry; not good. The girl's eyes look to you now, and her tearful eyes follow your gaze to your side, eyes widening at the sight of blood. Your blood; a Captain's blood. You hear her breath stutter, and her eyes widen further; she's panicking more and in an uncertain situation that’s not something you need. So, quickly, you hide the crimson behind your cape, holding your right side harshly with your left grip. Then you grab the girl by her shoulder with your free hand and look intently into her eyes. "Hey, breathe, it's okay." She looks to you, but she has yet to verbalise anything. She is dissociated and tense, a clear sign of PTSD.
You quickly call for your horse with a whistle, and she approaches swiftly much to your gratitude. "We're going to rejoin the rest of the Scouts, okay?" The young Scout hesitantly nods, and you gesture to the horse as she gets on. You quickly gather a loose cloth you had in a bag attached to your horse and wrap it around your torso, the girl looking worriedly on. "A-are you going to be o-okay?" Her eyes are filled with the trauma of seeing death take her allies; seeing death tempt her own life. So, you do your best to smile before tying off your makeshift bandage. "Don't worry about this, it's just a scratch." However, you cringe internally at the sharp pain that strikes you as you go to mount your horse behind the young Scout. It was worse than you were letting on. You look at the sight of three steaming Titans around you and then at the limbs and barely discernible figures of your comrades drowning in red. Heavy emotion fills you, but there are more pressing matters at hand. "Let's go."
When you return to your squad, after swearing the girl to secrecy, the pain worsens. It's thick and demanding as the initial adrenaline wears off, but as you see the masses of Scouts cringe and cry as they get onto the limited carts, you stop yourself from a moment's weakness. You would be fine. The girl follows your second-in-command as they take her to find another squad, her brown eyes lingering as you nod. Then, your eyes meet with worried grey; it's Levi. He approaches atop his horse as other squad members get ready to go back to the walls after the appalling mission. "[y/n]," Levi's voice is low, but his gaze is sharp as he searches you for any visible signs of harm. When he eyes crimson on your hands his gaze widens, and you almost panic. "It's not mine, don't worry." You find yourself lying through your teeth. You didn't know why. Maybe it was pride, maybe you didn't want to be a burden, maybe you didn't want him to worry. But you lied anyway.
Levi seems hesitant to let the matter go, but he nods slowly before Erwin's voice rings through the air. His blue eyes still glow in the light of the falling sun, but you see exhaustion carefully hidden beneath the facade; the mission had failed. "All troops, back to the walls!" His voice carries across the small gathering of the small number of Scouts left behind, and you hear Levi's voice uttered lowly before you go to gallop. "Stay close." You nod but force yourself not to groan. He and his squad are beside yours the entirety of the ride home, Levi still at unease after the atrocious events of the day. He would rather die than see the one person he swore to protect lost to him because of a simple matter of separation. Little did he know you had already been lost to the clutches of danger beyond the walls; untamed panic being the second most cause of death in Titan territory.
The pain is harsh, and you force tears not to come as you feel Levi's stare on you from behind. You breathe sharply through your teeth to the point where one of your squad members looks at you in concern to which you shake your head swiftly, and they nod hesitantly. By the time you reach the walls you know it's not looking good. You look beyond your cape and see blood has seeped through bandages, and you are surprised to find yourself still atop your horse. When you finally make it beyond the walls and to the stables, your guard lowers, however, and your vision begins to sway. You feel harsh nausea fill you, and you struggle to keep the facade. As your squad members leave at your quick dismissal and their confused but swift regard, you finally let yourself let out a muffled scream in your hand. Sweat builds on your skin, and suddenly, you feel panic when you don't think you can continue to stand. Your legs start to tremble, and your vision becomes worse with unbearable pain. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm going to die in a stable, and for what?
You don't know if it's fortune or not when Levi makes his way towards you, but when he regards your face buried in an arm and leaning heavily on the stable's walls, he knows something's wrong. You are breathing heavily and gripping your side harshly. Then he sees it, a flash of crimson. Levi feels his heart jolt with pure panic, urgency, and dread. "[y/n]!!" His voice is harsh but full of worry when you turn to him breathlessly and try to stand straight, only for tears to prick at your eyes. You have to bite your tongue just to stop the scream. "Oi, what's wrong?!" Your vision sways and you realise just how stupid this has all been. He is angry and full of rage, he is drowning in concern as it dances in his sharp eyes; the very things you had tried to prevent had occurred anyway. "L-Levi," you suddenly give way as your body collapses, almost hitting the ground if he hadn't been there to catch you. "[y/n] what-" Levi is cut off as he eyes the makeshift bandage that has soaked through with blood; your blood. "L-Levi, m'sorry." You hear muffled yells of your name, a panic you have rarely seen in his eyes now gleaming, and it's the last thing you see.
Levi’s mind breaks.
Your vision goes black.
…..
When you wake, the light comes slowly. Next comes the dull ache of pain that reverberates from your side. Then, you feel the light warmth of a hand enveloping yours. When your eyes open, you meet a sight that has your heart falling to the floor; it’s Levi in a state you have never seen. The soft glow of light from windows and the gentle breeze ruffles his raven hair, but his head is bowed low, and one hand grips yours like a lifeline. There is no one else in the room. You squeeze your hand gently, and he looks up immediately, sharp, tired gaze on you. But then you see the look of devastation turn swiftly to anger, and he tries to bury the hurt you caused underneath it. “You almost died.” His words are cold as he releases you from his hold, and he stands almost pacing. “Levi,” you breathe, seeing how his eyebrows furrow and eyes seep with such rage you have never seen before. “Levi, I’m-,” but he quickly cuts you off before the words slip from your mouth. “No [y/n], don’t you get it? You almost fucking died, and for what!? Another shitty brat?! How many times have I told you not to be so reckless?!” You see the hurt that holds Levi from seeing reason, and he inflicts guilt on his words. However, in the mixture of pain and exhaustion, you snap at him instead. “I had to.”
Levi turns sharply at your words, but you refuse to meet his gaze, and there is unease in the air. “Levi, she was so young, so inexperienced, you can’t just expect me to turn away. Would you?!” You feel a sharp pain in your side as you cringe before leaning back to your bed, Levi’s eyes now shining with apprehension. Then, there is a heavy silence as the sudden escalation dies down. “I almost lost you.” You look up then at Levi’s tortured eyes, the gaze that reflects every instance he witnessed death. “I’m sorry, I was stupid.” You say as he finally meets your regard with a look of utter defeat. It breaks your heart, but Levi feels the memories of you collapsing churn in his mind. You almost looked dead the instant you fell to his arms, blood soaking and skin pale. He had never moved so fast, shouting orders and shoving people out of the way. He would never forget when nurses pushed him from the doorway, and he looked numb to the door as they tried to vitalise your dying heart.
He sits at your side again, and you reach for him as his hand intertwines with yours once more. “Don’t hide your injuries. Do you understand? And no risking lives for shitty brats.” You just shake your head and give him a weak smile. “I promise, no hiding. But you know I can’t promise the rest.” Levi's gaze is one of loss at your words, but you see acceptance deep within. “Don’t die on me.” He utters lowly, and you look at him before gently tugging at his hand. He meets your eyes briefly, but you slowly and gently bring him close. You pull him in by his shirt until his lips capture yours, careful but warm. There is hidden desperation, hidden grief and fear that holds you to him as he deepens the kiss before letting go. “I’ll be okay.” Levi’s gaze falters, but soon nurses enter the room, and at the sight of you awake, you watch in light amusement as they chide humanity’s strongest for not calling them. However, Levi pays them no attention, eyes forever and always looking for you, looking to you and watching for the hurt you try to bury beneath your mask.