Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It all started on a random Wednesday.

The last thing Ongsa remembers is falling asleep on the sofa of her shared apartment with her sister, with Latte curled up at her feet, and little Mocha, the lively black kitten she adopted a couple of months back, laying on her chest. 

Thinking back, it almost feels like her pets were shielding her from something. 

Maybe they can sense that this year in particular has been kind of hard for her; Ongsa is in the last semester of Veterinary Medicine and she's also working at a clinic on the other side of town, so her schedule has been pretty hectic lately. There are days in which she doesn't even bother to get to her bed, she just takes her shoes off at the door and throws herself to whatever surface is closest to the door.

Yesterday, Ongsa went to help her cousin Aylin and Luna (Aylin’s girlfriend) move into a new apartment, hence the reason she was so exhausted she couldn't be bothered to even put on her comfy pajamas. The uncharacteristic quiet of that particular Bangkok evening lulled her to sleep as soon as her head hit one of the throw pillows.

It’d been a pretty awful day for Ongsa; she found out one of her patients at the clinic had to be put down while she was not there. 

She'd also had to witness possibly the most soul crushing event of her life: Sun, the girl Ongsa has been in love with for the better part of a decade (and her best friend), announcing her engagement to her college sweetheart Mist. It was a harsh reminder that the other woman was never going to return Ongsa's affections in a non friendly way.

Ongsa wakes to the feeling of something tickling the back of her throat, it's so sudden she almost thinks she accidentally swallowed a bug or something, but that can't be the case because whatever is stuck in there feels sort of velvety ? 

It must be the early morning , Ongsa thinks, since the living room is so dark she can't really see anything further than her nose.

She jumps from the couch, almost sending Mocha flying towards her coffee table and starting Latte so much he barks in fear when Ongsa starts violently coughing once she's sat down. “Sorry, Mo,” she apologizes when she's able to breathe. 

Mocha looks at her with anger in her glowy green eyes but doesn't do anything else. Ongsa has half a mind to go to her and pet her to make her feel a little better but the moment she stands up the itchy feeling comes back with a vengeance. This time though, Ongsa feels whatever object is stuck on her throat move up the more she coughs.

Ongsa tries to go to the bathroom the moment she feels the object reach her mouth, but she doesn't even make it halfway there before another set of violent coughs stops her. The coughing is so intense that Ongsa ends up kneeling on the floor, finally spitting whatever the object was.

Suddenly, Ongsa feels the familiar metallic taste of blood on her mouth and freezes. “Shit” she yelps, sending a string of blood from the corner of her mouth to her chin. Her throat isn't itchy anymore but she must've coughed way too hard cause it feels tender.

Ongsa wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and reaches for her phone on the coffee table to turn the flash on and finally see what the hell she was choking on.

It looks like …a bunch of flower petals? 

Ongsa isn't really knowledgeable when it comes to flowers and plants (she’s always been more of an animal kind of girl), but she's pretty sure it's a flower, more specifically a daffodil, or parts of it at least. She's seen them a couple of times at the flower shop she usually goes to with Aylin when she is trying to give Luna a bouquet for whatever occasion they’re celebrating. Once, Ongsa suggested Aylin give one of them to Luna but the florist had immediately shut her down, warning her cousin that the meaning of the flower was one of misfortune, absolutely not fit for a gift for one's partner.

Now, Ongsa can't help but chuckle at the irony of the situation. Of course she would randomly cough up a flower known for signifying misfortune, the word ‘misfortune’ is practically Ongsa's middle name.

She's still confused though, by what this means, and how the daffodil ended up inside of her. Ongsa is pretty sure she hasn't been around any kind of flowers lately so there's no way she might've accidentally inhaled one or something.

The situation almost doesn't feel real to Ongsa but the burning in her throat tells her otherwise. The bright yellow of the daffodil makes a jarring contrast with the dark red of her blood, it kind of looks like a picture out of those psychological thrillers Sun likes. 

Thinking of Sun makes Ongsa's throat itch again, which immediately sends out alarm bells in her head. 

“Is this? No, it can't be… it's just a crush. It's not that serious.” Mo and Latte look at her with sad eyes, like they know she doesn't have much time left. This terrifies Ongsa, who can only get up from her place on the floor and blindly walk in the direction of her big sister's room looking for comfort and, hopefully, answers.

Chapter Text

Walking through the halls of her apartment and seeing the countless pictures of her and Sun adorning her walls, Ongsa can’t help but reminisce about all of their years together.

Ongsa met Sun on the first day of 10th grade.

It's a pretty cliché story: extroverted sunshine girl meets introverted walking disaster girl, sunshine girl gives walking disaster girl a ride on her scooter and helps her adapt to an entirely new environment, sunshine girl and walking disaster girl are in the same class and join the same club, walking disaster girl falls hopelessly in love with sunshine girl for the rest of her life.

Ongsa wasn’t always so pessimistic about it, in fact, there was actually a time when she genuinely thought that Sun might’ve liked her back. 

It was on the break before they started college, they spent so much time together just the two of them that if Ongsa hadn’t already been in love with Sun she would’ve fell right then and there. She remembers the road trip they took on their last week of break; they’d borrowed Sun’s dad’s old beat up truck and took turns driving it all the way to Phuket, Ongsa’s hometown. That week, Ongsa showed Sun all of the places she loved while growing up, all of the good food stands and flea markets.She even introduced Sun to her grandparents, who immediately fell in love with her friend and asked her to come visit often. 

There was a moment, when they were alone by the beach with the breathtaking view of the ocean at dusk as background that Ongsa saw Sun give her a look , a look that Ongsa was well familiar with because she’d seen it before in her mother’s face when she looked at her father, on Aylin’s when she looked at Luna, and also on herself whenever she catched a glimpse of her own reflection when she was with Sun. That singular look gave her enough hope to think that Sun could love Ongsa as much as Ongsa loved her. It gave Ongsa the courage to confess years of suppressed feelings and longing. 

Ongsa spent the next few weeks planning the perfect way to confess to Sun with the help of her friends. She’d planned a whole day full of Sun’s favorite activities to do together and a dinner where she would finally come clean about her true feelings for Sun.

Too bad she never got the chance to do it.

That afternoon, two hours before their time together began, Ongsa got a call from an extremely apologetic Sun informing her that she was getting dinner with one of her new classmates, a girl called Mist that, according to Sun, was the ‘sweetest person ever’ right after Ongsa. 

Shortly after that, Sun came to Ongsa with the news that Mist and her were dating and that she’d never entertained the thought of liking women until that first night when Mist kissed her. Ongsa almost burst out crying right then but managed to hold herself together until she got home and cuddled Latte until she was out of tears.

And that was it.

It’s not like Ongsa wants to be pathetically in love with Sun, God knows she’s tried for years to let those feelings go, but it seems almost impossible. She’s had a couple of flings here and there (emphasis on a couple ), but no one seems to be able to replace Sun in her heart. Ongsa’s been told by multiple people that it’s not healthy to live like this, that she has to move on at some point, but what they don’t understand is that she literally can’t, not won’t, can’t .

One of those people is Alpha, Ongsa’s older sister who’s never known what it is like to love someone and them not loving you back. 

For years, Alpha has been the biggest advocate for Ongsa to move on; she’s gone as far as setting her up on multiple dates with acquaintances of hers (though all of them had abysmal results), and offering to help pay for a therapist who can get Ongsa to stop being ‘obsessed’ with Sun. 

Knowing all of this, Ongsa makes the decision not to tell her sister about her predicament until she’s absolutely sure of what is happening to her.

That doesn’t mean that Ongsa can’t ask Alpha to let her sleep in her bed, though.

Ongsa doesn’t throw up any flowers in the next couple of days, which almost makes her think that it was all an exhaustion-induced fever dream. 

Sadly, that isn’t the case.

On her and Sun’s weekly catch up dinner at their favorite BBQ restaurant, Sun asks Ongsa the most flower-vomit-inducing question anyone has ever asked her. “Would you be my maid of honor?” she asks with a blinding smile. Normally, that smile would turn Ongsa’s insides to mush but all it does now is make her freeze in place. 

Ongsa is sure she feels a petal peel itself from one of her lungs and make its way up her trachea in real time. Not now, she thinks desperately, “Uh, sure.” Ongsa grimaces. "I need to go to the toilet" she chokes out, getting up from the table and running towards the bathroom. 

She vaguely registers Sun’s worried “Ongsa!” cry but ignores it, she can’t let Sun know what is happening to her, she can never let her find out what she truly thinks of her, it would probably shatter their entire friendship. 

When she reaches her destination, she kneels down in front of the toilet and finally lets go. Ongsa coughs so hard the muscles of her back start to ache and her throat feels like she just swallowed glass. She doesn’t recognize the white flower that is currently floating on the toilet bowl but she’s sure that its meaning is something ironic that she’d laugh at if she had the strength to do so.

When she goes back to her shared table with Sun, Ongsa tells her that she needs to go home and that they can talk about the whole wedding business later, but Sun, in typical Sun fashion, refuses to let go of something that worries her.

“Are you not feeling ok, Ongsa?” Sun asks with her impossibly big brown eyes full of concern.

Ongsa feels another tickle down her throat. “Uh, I think I just got my period.” She lies.

Sun pouts at her in understanding “Do you need a pad or a tampon? I have some in my car. I can…” 

“No!” Ongsa yelps. “I had one but I think I bled through my jeans, it’s okay but I have to go home. Bye!” she says, already on her way to the exit.

The itchy feeling only goes away after she throws up another bunch of white petals when she gets home. 

Chapter Text

Mere hours after Ongsa's escape from their disastrous dinner, Sun shows up at her door with a bunch of Ongsa's favorite sweets to eat while on her period, some of the strongest painkillers you can get without a doctor's prescription, and a heating pad.

The sweet smile Sun gives Ongsa when she lets her in is enough to momentarily alleviate the pain in her chest.

Sun moves through Ongsa's apartment with such familiarity you would think that she's the one that lives there. The smaller woman goes to her kitchen to retrieve a bowl for the ice cream she bought and goes to mix it with multiple kinds of candy.

When she's done, Sun guides Ongsa to bed, holding the ice cream bowl with one hand and Ongsa's with the other.

Sun doesn't even ask Ongsa to let her borrow some pajamas, she just walks into her closet and picks out one of Ongsa's oversized shirts and some worn out sleep shorts she leaves there for when she sleeps over.

“Shouldn't you be at home with your fiancée planning your wedding?” Ongsa can't help but ask when Sun steps out of the bathroom.

“My best friend was having a bad day,” Sun answers like it's the most obvious thing in the world. “Besides, Mist isn't really into wedding planning.” she adds with a hint of annoyance as she goes to lay down with Ongsa on the bed.

That feels a little outrageous to Ongsa; if she was the one marrying Sun, she'd be present in every single step of the planning process. “Wasn't she the one that proposed?” She asks just to stir the pot a little bit.

Sun sighs and looks away from Ongsa's questioning gaze. “Well yes, but you know how busy she gets, she just… works too hard, you know? Like someone I know.” She gives Ongsa a small smile. “But enough about me, you didn't get to tell me how your week was over dinner. Come on, Snow White, tell me about your animals.” Sun lays her head on Ongsa's shoulder and shoves a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.

When Ongsa was younger she used to go through her mother's scientific magazines, she liked them so much they were actually kind of the reason she got so interested in veterinary medicine in the first place. 

One time, when she was around 8, Ongsa found an article about this disease that affected a tiny percentage of the population. This disease was so rare that there were only a handful of documented cases around the world at the time. The article described a disease so terrifying it sounded straight out of a horror folklore tale; flowers growing on the patient's lungs, bloody petals forcing its way out of their mouths, thorns puncturing muscle from the inside, patients choking on their own blood. All of this caused by unrequited love. Little Ongsa had been so frightened that she had to sleep in Alpha’s bed that night.

So yes, Ongsa knows very well what is happening to her, and yes, Ongsa is terrified.

And with good reason.

Ongsa’s grandfather used to tell her stories about his childhood friend Peem.

Peem and Ongsa's grandfather grew up in a fishing town just outside of Phuket. Their parents co-owned a fishing business, so that meant that they spent almost everyday together, from the moment they woke up to the moment they went to sleep. One of their favorite activities was to play football with the kids from their neighborhood.

Peem was, according to Ongsa’s grandpa, a “man of a few words”; Peem didn’t really talk about his feelings or even show much affection towards anyone, not even his relatives, but he had a soft spot for Ongsa’s grandpa, who was in his words “the only person he cared about in the whole entire world”. As they grew older, they slowly drifted apart, Ongsa's grandpa started working for his father straight out of highschool and Peem got into a prestigious university to study business management and moved to Chiang Mai. They still kept in contact but it wasn’t the same.

Eventually, Peem moved back to Phuket to help with the family business, but he was… sick. Peem stopped eating well and doing his usual exercise routines, things like walking from his house to the beach was suddenly challenging and their football games became non-existent. A few months later, at the age of 26, Peem died of a pulmonary embolism.

Ongsa is not naive enough to not realize that Peem was pretty much in the same situation as her: tragically in love with his best friend. 

So in love and in so much pain that the pain found a way to physically materialize, busted out of his chest, and killed him.

Ongsa doesn't want to die. She's too young to die, she hasn't lived, she hasn't learned nearly half of the life lessons she knows she has to learn, she's never been loved. 

Peem died because he refused to do something, anything about his condition, he just sat and waited for the end. 

Ongsa is not going to do the same.

A Google search tell her that her illness is still as rare as it was 15 years ago, but apparently, there's a cure now. 

There aren't many specifics but one thing that grabs Ongsa’s attention is the fact that there's a couple of patients that claim they got the petals surgically removed, all of them, and that after the procedure, they were able to live a normal life. 

The information doesn't feel complete though, something tells Ongsa that there is a catch, these kinds of things always have one, and she's determined to find out what it is.

Chapter Text

Ongsa attends Sun and Mist’s engagement party three weeks after her and Sun’s impromptu sleepover.

It is an intimate affair held on the rooftop of a very luxurious hotel (one that Ongsa would never even dream of being able to afford with her miserable salary from the clinic), with only around 60 people attending. Well, it’s an intimate affair considering who the brides are.

Sun invited their whole gang from S-Tar, her childhood friends, who are going to be her bridesmaids and her closest relatives. The rest of the attendants were Mist’s guests.

Ongsa is sitting in between Tinh and Ton at a table by the entrance, far away from the snack bar and near the restroom. When she was helping her with the seating arrangement, Sun told her that she wanted Ongsa to sit with her and her parents at the main table, but Mist’s mother had argued that it was reserved for family only. When Ongsa pointed out that Mist’s Maid of Honor Cass was allowed to sit with them, Sun looked away sheepishly and mumbled something about Cass knowing Mist’s family for over 20 years. Ongsa said nothing and decided she was to sit with her friends.

On Ongsa’s left, Tinh is ranting about some production delay the show he is working on is having, he tells them that one of the actors they are working with got shitfaced at a party and caught a DUI charge, which set back their schedule for at least three more weeks while the actor does community service. 

On her right, Luna and Ton argue about what bakery has the best chocolate cake in Bangkok.

“Sweet Spot’s chocolate ganache is to die for.” Luna says.

“That doesn't matter!” Ton exclaims. “Cocoalicious makes the best chocolate cake, if the bread isn't soft and moist, it doesn't matter what the rest of the cake tastes like!”

Luna rolls her eyes at her friend's response, “Sweet’s cake is just fine, besides, they do wedding cakes and Cocoalicious doesn't.” 

That captures Aylin's attention. “Why would that matter?” She asks.

“Because chocolate cake is Sun’s favorite.” Luna looks at her like it should be obvious.

“Mist is allergic to chocolate.” Ongsa tells them.

Ton, Aylin and Luna look at each other with surprise in their eyes. “How do you know that, Ongsa?” Luna asks her.

“Sun always goes to my apartment to eat some when she's craving it.” Ongsa shrugs. “I have a drawer full of her favorites just in case.” She adds.

The look Luna gives her after is so sad it makes something tickle at the back of her throat. Please not here, not right now , she thinks. She puts her hand on her neck, trying to soothe the pain from the outside.

Her friends move on to other topics but the itch doesn't go away, it actually gets so much worse when Ongsa sees Mist feed Sun a bite of her food, love evident in both their eyes. 

“Ongsa,” she hears someone say. It's Ton, who now has a serious look on his usually smiling face. “Can I talk to you in private?” he asks.

Ongsa only nods in response, taking her purse and leading the way to a solitary corner away from their table.

“What’s wrong, Phi?” she asks when they’re out of ear shot from the other guests.

Ton runs a hand through his hair and looks Ongsa right in the eye. “I know.” He says, his eyebrows set in a determined frown.

Ongsa blinks up at him, not understanding what he means, “You know? What do you know P’Ton?”

Her friend places a hand on her shoulder, leaning so close to her face that she can see a muscle twitch in his jaw. “I know about the flowers.” He tells her.

Ongsa's heart drops. He knows? How? Why? “I- you know?” she stammers.

Ton’s eyes soften, “I know what is happening to you.” He admits. ”You touch your neck every time you look at Sun, and you keep swallowing like you're trying to keep something inside.” Her friend points out. Ongsa didn't know he was that observant, or that she was that obvious . “I know what that feels like.” Ton adds.

Ongsa studies Ton’s face, trying to decipher exactly how much he knows and why. “I-” She starts, ready to question him, but before she can get a word in, she hears another voice.

“Ongsa, Ton, what are you guys doing out here?” It’s Sun …and Mist.

The two of them make a stunning couple, really. Mist is beautiful in her red dress with her curly shoulder length hair and easy smile. She's everything Ongsa is not: elegant, extroverted and charming. Sun on the other hand is simply breathtaking ; she’s wearing a skintight black dress that compliments her small figure, her arms are adorned with thick gold bracelets and, rather ironically Ongsa would say, from her neck hangs a pendant in the shape of a golden daffodil.  It takes Ongsa a few seconds to realize that Mist’s earrings match it perfectly. And.. yup there’s that itchy feeling again.

Mist and Ton exchange pleasantries while Sun looks at Ongsa with a quirked eyebrow. Ongsa knows exactly what that means, Sun is asking what she's doing out here with Ton. 

Sun and Ton’s friendship is weird, well it's weird on Sun's side. 

Ever since they were in high school, Sun has always been wary of him, at first claiming that she didn’t quite trust him and his motives for befriending them (she would brush Ongsa off whenever she reminded her that Ton was friends with Alpha first). Then, when she found out that they’d briefly dated, it was her affirming that Ton wanted to get back together, no matter how many new people he dated (and how many opportunities he had to ask Ongsa out and didn’t). Afterwards, when he went to college and stopped hanging out with them as much, Sun relaxed around him, but still kept him at arm’s length. Their tentative friendship solidified, though, when they reunited on set for Sun’s debut in a drama that Ton was also starring in.

“I was feeling a little lightheaded and P’Ton offered to keep me accompanied out here.” Ongsa explains at Sun’s puzzled look.

Sun’s concerned frown deepens. “Are you not feeling well, Ongsa?” she pouts.

The sad purse of her lips tugs at Ongsa’s poor lovesick heart, making her want to comfort Sun even when she is the one hurting.

“It’s just a-” she begins making up an illness, but someone else cuts her off, is she going to be allowed to finish more than one consecutive sentence tonight? 

Mist places a hand on Ongsa’s arm. “Do you need to see a doctor, Ongsa?” she asks, her brown eyes shine with concern. 

Ongsa hates that she’s so… nice . Mist is one of the sweetest people Ongsa has ever met, effortlessly caring and just overall kind. The first time she met her was at one of their university’s mixers, Sun had dragged her there, claiming that they needed to meet new people and mingle now that they were in college (in reality, the other girl was the reason she had wanted to go to that specific event), Mist was there, obviously, looking out for their fellow freshmen and calling cabs for the people that were too drunk to get home one their own. 

It’s no wonder that Sun loves her so much.

“I’m fine,” Ongsa says, “I’ll just ask P’Alpha for an ibuprofen or something.” Mist nods at her and pats her arm in reassurance, already turning her attention back to the party, after a moment, she nods at Ongsa and Ton and walks away to greet some of her guests.

Sun doesn’t look convinced. “Are you sure?” she asks again, stepping closer to Ongsa and reaching with one hand to touch her face. Ongsa does her best to not let a cough out.

Ton, who has been watching the entire exchange in silence, wraps an arm around Ongsa’s shoulders. “I think I better take her home.” He says firmly.

“What?” Sun’s eyes widen. “No! I will-”

“Nong Sun,” Ton smiles down at her, “It’s your engagement party, I’ll drive N’Ongsa home and make sure she gets enough rest.”

Sun still doesn’t look convinced, but she nods anyway, probably because she knows it wouldn't make sense for her to just leave her own engagement party because her best friend Ongsa is feeling a little dizzy.

Ongsa lets her friend give her a goodbye hug and follows Ton out of the building, already dreading the conversation that surely awaits her when they reach her home.

Chapter Text

There is a memory that's very present in Ongsa's mind from around the time she first realized she was in love with Sun.

It was a couple of months into the first semester of 10th grade, in her third period English class with Teacher Nida. They were discussing the use of the word never in present tense and Teacher Nida asked Tinh to explain the meaning of the word in the sentence ‘I have never loved you’, Ongsa doesn't remember much from Teacher Nida’s class, but Tinh’s answer haunts her to this day, because it perfectly describes her situation with Sun. 

“They mean they don't love you, not because they never had the chance to, but because they never did in the first place.”

16 year old Ongsa had been a little traumatized by those words, immediately associating them with her and Sun.

She hasn't thought about that in a while, but as she rides the elevator up to her apartment with Ton, it is the only thing she can think about.

When the elevator stops, Ton follows her wordlessly through the hall, keeping his distance from her. It's a little unnerving how he hasn't said anything since the party, so unlike his usual chatty demeanor.

“Come in, Phi.” Ongsa says when she opens the door.

Inside, they're greeted by a very enthusiastic golden retriever and a sleepy black cat. Latte barks happily when he sees Ton walk in, her friend is usually the only one (other than Sun and Ongsa herself) that can keep up with his energetic, happy self, so Latte is always happy to see him. Mocha, on the other hand, only squints up at them for a couple of seconds and curls up into a tighter ball on her fluffy cat bed.

Ongsa leads the way to her small living room and motions for Ton to sit down on the couch. Her friend follows diligently and nods at her to do the same.

Once they're both settled, Ton speaks: “I know you must have questions, but please let me talk first.” He requests. Ongsa can only nod in response. “Do you remember the time I went to live in Italy as an exchange student?” Ongsa nods again. It’d been during Ton’s third year of college and her first, he’d gone to study under a renowned journalist in Rome for around six months. “Well, I never told you guys this but, I met someone there.”

“Orazio was one of the other students under Professor Gagliano; he offered to be my guide while I lived there.” Ton confesses, Ongsa can see where this is going and her heart aches for her friend already. “I spent- we spent a lot of time together; he would take me to visit beautiful places every weekend. He took me to all the best touristic spots we could think of, and when we were done with that, he started to take me to his favorite places, cities where the history is so rich you could stay there your whole life and never really learn everything about them, solitary beaches that made us feel like it was just the two of us in the world. He took me to his family home and had his grandma teach me how to cook authentic Italian dishes, he stayed over at my apartment way more than he stayed in his. He-” Ton takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. Ongsa hadn't realized that he had been so agitated while telling his story.

Ongsa reaches out to hold his hand in between hers to offer him some comfort. “It’s okay, Phi.” she mutters.

Ton nods and squeezes her hand in gratitude. “I think,” he starts, a little more calm. “It was inevitable, falling in love with him.” 

Like me with Sun . The bitter taste of bile reaches Ongsa's mouth. “Why did- did Orazio not like you back, Phi?” she asks.

“No.” Ton answers bluntly. “But that wasn’t all.” he adds. “I never told him I was in love with him.”

That does not sound like Ton at all. Ongsa wonders what could’ve possibly happened for Ton, the most outspoken person she knows, to hide such strong feelings. It is especially baffling, considering that this is the first time Ongsa even hears of Orazio’s existence.

“P’Ton,” Ongsa starts softly, “Why didn’t you tell Orazio that you love him?” she braves asking, secretly hoping that his reasoning is at least a little bit similar to hers for not telling Sun. “You’ve always been so…”

Ton smiles a little, “Loud? Annoying?” he tries to finish for her.

“I was going to say brave.” Much braver than I’ll ever be.

Ton’s smile drops. “I think that, initially, when I first realized I had feelings for him, I knew he didn’t feel the same and I thought ‘why bother’. It was my first time having feelings for another man too, so I don't know, I didn't really know how to deal with it.” He explains. 

Ongsa can relate to the last part; back in highschool, when she first realized that she liked Sun she'd gone a little crazy, losing sleep because she just wouldn't stop thinking about Sun’s smile, blushing whenever Sun looked at her, and desperately trying to hide her crush. 

She was lucky that Sun was oblivious to all of her lovesick antics.

“There was also the fact that I was just starting my acting career. I wasn't sure that, in the off chance that Orazio reciprocated my feelings, he would be willing to deal with what dating an actor would entail.” Ton had been scouted for an entertainment company almost straight out of highschool, he'd joined one in the middle of his freshman year and then taken a break to go on his semester abroad.

Sun had faced a similar dilemma when she started acting too. Some people in the industry had insisted that she hide her relationship with Mist from the public, claiming that she would never make it if people knew she was already taken, if they knew the fantasy was just that, a fantasy. Sun, in true Sun fashion had told them where to stick their recommendations and put out a statement clarifying her relationship status, nobody was going to make her hide who she was and who she loved. Ongsa wishes that she were that courageous.

“So I just… came back” Ton continues. “I came back and I tried to move on. That's when the coughing started. Blue Hydrangeas, those are the ones that I remember the most.” He smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. “They mean regret. What are yours?”

Ongsa toys with her necklace, “Daffodils and Carnations, I think.”

Ton nods in understanding, “They're beautiful. Well, they're beautiful in less morbid circumstances.” he jokes.

There's something else that Ongsa wants to know. “Phi, do you still…?” she trails off.

“No.” He answers simply.

“No? How?”

“I got them surgically removed. Every last one of them.” His voice sounds strained.

“So the cure is actually real?” Ongsa asks. If P’Ton got it done and he’s right here with her then it must be safe. The people on that blog were telling the truth!

Ton brow furrows. “It is, but you have to know some stuff first that I think you won't like.” His face turns solemn.

How bad can it possibly be?

Chapter Text

“I don't remember ever being in love with Orazio.” Ton says bluntly. “I don't love him anymore, either.”

Ongsa feels her heart stop for a second, then, she starts to cough uncontrollably.

Ton runs to her kitchen to retrieve her trash can and places it in front of her just in time for Ongsa to spit out a full sized Plumeria.

When she's finally able to breathe without it hurting, Ongsa turns to Ton and asks. “What do you mean you don't remember? You just told me your love story. And how come you don't love him anymore? You seemed so sad that Orazio was never in love with you!”

“I’m not sad about that.” Ton shakes his head. “Let me explain.” he requests. “When I was trying to understand what was happening to me, I stumbled across this website full of people who had gone through the same thing as us, they were sharing their experiences and giving advice to each other.” 

“One of the people, Tatsuki, said that he had the disease and instead of confessing he just went to the doctor and got the flowers removed.” Ton explains. “I wanted to know more, so I messaged him. Tatsuki told me that there's this doctor in Japan that treats patients like us, he helps them get rid of the flowers and after, they're able to live normal lives. Sounds pretty ideal, huh?”

Ongsa nods, but she's sure she won't like what Ton is going to say next.

“I booked a trip to Japan that same day. I met Tatsuki there and he told me the full story.” Ton exhales heavily. “Apparently, getting rid of the flowers means getting rid of your love for the person, and getting rid of your love means getting rid of the memories. Tatsuki said that the treatment has to be done in two parts. First: a surgeon removes all the flowers from your body. Second: you have to undergo a treatment based on hypnosis to get rid of all the relevant memories associated with the person who's causing you to… you know.” That sounds so unlike Ton that Ongsa can't even imagine what he was going through to make that decision.

As if sensing that Ongsa was about to interrupt, Ton waves a hand at her, clearly asking her to let him finish. “I didn't want to do it at first, I thought it was horrible that I wouldn't be able to remember what it felt like to love someone like I loved Orazio, so I came back home and decided to just… live with it.” 

“Turns out you can't ‘just live with it’. My condition got worse as time passed and Mawin found out. He made it his mission to take care of me and he begged me to get the procedure. I held out as long as I could but in the end I decided to just take them out, no love is worth being in agony, especially one that is silent.” He looks Ongsa dead in the eye. “I wrote everything down the night before I flew back to Tokyo, that's why I was able to tell you what happened in Italy, but the truth is I don't remember much of my time there aside from the academic stuff.” 

“So you don't remember Orazio at all?” Would Ongsa be able to take the risk knowing that almost a decade of memories would be erased? Is that even safe? Could her psyche stand being in a world in which she wasn't in love with Sun? What would that look like?

“I do remember him, kind of. My memories of Orazio are fuzzy. When I try to remember something specific about the stories I wrote about in my journal nothing comes up, it's like my brain is frozen, but I do remember meeting him and hanging out at the beginning.” Ton explains.

Ongsa's gut twists just imagining losing so much of Sun’s presence in her life. It's not… she doesn't think she can do it.

“P’Ton I don't- I could never-” the words fly out of her mouth almost instinctively. There has to be another way. “Sun is my best friend in the whole world.” Ongsa chokes out. “She's a huge part of my life, I can't just… forget everything we've been through together. It’s not right.”

Now it's Ton's turn to squeeze Ongsa's hand in reassurance. “Look, Ongsa, you don't have to make a decision today, alright? I’ll give you Dr. Utsunomiya’s number and you can call him whenever you feel ready.” 

“I-”

“Ongsa, are you home?” Alpha's voice calls from the entrance.

Ongsa gets up from her seat as fast as she can and runs to the kitchen with the trashcan in her hands, tying the bag where the bloody petals lay and quickly putting on a new one.

“I was just leaving,” Ongsa hears Ton say, “I just wanted to make sure N’Ongsa was alright.” he tells her sister. “See ya, Khun Al.”

“Goodnight, Ton.” Alpha says, her expression betraying her shock at his presence.

When Ton is out of the apartment, Ongsa nods at her sister and walks in the direction of her room. 

“Hey,” Alpha says, “Sun told me you weren't feeling so good tonight.” 

Ongsa's throat feels tight all of a sudden. “Yeah, I- I was feeling a little dizzy and the people… I thought it was better to just come home.”

Alpha nods noncommittally, Ongsa knows her sister doesn't really believe what she just said. “Right. Well, Sun pretty much kicked me out of the party so I could check on you and I didn't even get to have dinner so… are you in the mood for some take out? I'm too tired to cook tonight. Do you want to order some American Fried Rice and crispy pork?”

“Sure,” Ongsa answers, glad that her sister didn't nag her about the real reason she left the party. “I'm gonna put some pajamas on, I’ll be right back.” she says as she opens the door to her bedroom, Mocha following after her.

Chapter Text

Ongsa is waiting for one of her patients' lab results to come back when Sun comes into the clinic with an orange kitten in her arms.

“Hey,” she says with a bright smile.“I was on a run this morning and I found this little guy drinking from a puddle.” Sun scratches the kitten’s fluffy white belly until he purrs contentedly and continues her story, “I waited to see if his mommy showed up but she never did, so I said ‘I’ll take him to the best vet I know’ and now we're here so… please, check him out, Doc.”

When Ongsa goes to take the kitten from Sun’s hands, he makes a small sound of annoyance that Ongsa can wholeheartedly understand, she wouldn't want to be separated from Sun if she could help it either.

“He’s surprisingly chubby for a stray,” Ongsa comments as she inspects the kitten, “are you sure that he doesn't have a home? He looks taken care of.” She takes her eyes off the kitten to look at Sun, who now has a guilty look on her face.

“I might've taken him from his mommy for a little while so I had an excuse to see you,” Her friend winces. “I’m sorry, it's just… you've been sick lately and I didn't want to hover, I can be a little pushy sometimes and I know it makes you uncomfortable.”

Ongsa's heart jumps at Sun’s admission. “I’m not- it doesn't make me uncomfortable, Sun. I just don't know how to react sometimes.” she confesses “You’ve never made me feel uncomfortable, ever. I swear.”

Sun gives her a relieved smile in response, “Okay, um, can I ask how you've been? We haven't really talked since the party.” 

“Of course you can,” Ongsa reassures her friend, “I think the stress from my last semester is taking a toll on me.” She explains. “I’ve been spending most of my free time studying and, when I’m not studying I’m logging hours here. I really hope Dr. Tawana offers me a full time job when I graduate.” Well that's not a complete lie, she's just omitting the fact that she also sometimes goes to the bathroom to cough up a couple of flower petals when she remembers how in love she is with her best friend.

“Oh,” Sun pouts, “Ongsa you need to slow down.” the shorter woman pleads. “You should go out more often. To relax, have a little fun. When was the last time you went out with friends?”

“Your engagement party, like I said, I've been busy, so…” She says lamely “But um, I’m actually going out tonight.” Ongsa lies. She's gonna have to invite her friends out for a drink or something.

Sun’s brow furrows, “Really? With whom? Are you dating somebody?” she demands.

“What?” Ongsa squeaks out, “No, I’m going out with Chaeron and Tinh.” If they even want to go anyway. “D’you wanna come?”

“Oh, it's okay.” Sun shakes her head. “I have to take this little guy home,” she scratches the kitten's chin, “and then I’ll go meet with Mist’s mom to see some stuff for the wedding.”

“Right, of course” she clears her throat, “do you know if he's had his vaccinations yet? Also, can you tell me his name? I need it to fill up some forms” 

“He doesn't have a name yet. And he hasn't been vaccinated, that's part of the reason I brought him.” Sun explains. “Dear’s aunt’s cat had kittens and this baby was the only one that survived. She wanted to bring him sooner but she was busy with work, so I offered to help.” The kitten meows softly when he hears Sun’s voice, clearly as enamoured with her as Ongsa. “Dear says that her aunt is looking for someone to take him in.”

Sun looks longingly at the kitten and Ongsa knows exactly what she's thinking about. For years and years, Ongsa's had to hear Sun rant about how much she wants to adopt a cat but she won't because Mist doesn't get along well with animals. 

Alpha is probably going to kill her but, “I’ll take him in.” She blurts out. 

“What? Ongsaaa, you don't have to. You already have Latte and Mo, and you're always so busy.” Sun shakes her head disapprovingly, but Ongsa knows that her friend secretly likes the idea of the kitten living with someone she sees often.

“It's alright, I promise. I think Mo needs someone to play with and Latte is getting a little too old to keep up with a kitten.” She lies, Latte is still as energetic as he was when he was a puppy. “You can come visit whenever you want.”

Sun walks behind the examination table and throws her arms around Ongsa’s neck. “Thank you so much,” Sun says against her neck. “I was thinking that we can call him Cappuccino, Cap for short, to follow the coffee theme you got going on, I mean.”

How could Ongsa ever say no? “Sure.” Ongsa pats her friend's shoulder blade.

“I’m going to call Dear, be right back.” Sun says, already making her way out of the clinic with her phone in hand.

“Guess you're coming home with me, huh?” Ongsa pets the kitten's head, she gets a sweet meow and soft headbutt in response.

Chapter Text

Ongsa isn't quite sure why she decided to invite her friends out tonight, she could've lied and told Sun that they went out and had a good time and her friend would've been none the wiser. But honestly? Ongsa thinks she's earned a night out without worrying about how much time she has left and how much she'll have to save if she wants to get the procedure done.

She is lucky that tonight is Chaeron’s night off, and that Tinh didn't have a night shoot to work on, and that Aylin was willing to get out of her apartment to hang out.

“I’m just saying that it wouldn't kill you to go on a date with her!” Charoen drunkenly points a bony finger at Ongsa's face.

Okay maybe she's not that lucky. “I already did that, and it didn't work out!” Ongsa responds in the same state.

Charoen shakes her head like Ongsa's words personally offend her. “That's not the truth and you know it! Things between you two were great until the Sun thing happened and you ghosted her.” Her friend turns to Aylin who is sitting across from her in the booth. “Aylin, tell your cousin that Shan and her would make a wonderful couple if she'd just give it a chance.” 

Aylin, who was enthusiastically munching on a piece of crispy pork, swallows her food and considers what her friend just asked. “Human Shan was nice and she treated Ongsa well.” she says flatly. Ongsa is surprised she even remembers her, given that she only ever brought Shan on a couple of their hangouts back when they dated on Ongsa's sophomore year of college.

Charoen shoots Ongsa a smug smile and says, “See? You just have to-”

“Ongsa never really liked her, though.” Aylin continues. “She's only ever liked Sun.” she adds, making both Charoen and Tinh, who is just now starting to pay attention to the conversation, groan in unison.

“That's the problem” Tinh says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. “Ongsa is in love with Sun, we all know this —aside from Sun, obviously— and we've all tried to be supportive,” he looks Ongsa in the eye when he says this, “but I think the healthiest thing you can do is move on.”

Charoen’s face softens and she reaches over the table to cover Ongsa's hand with hers. “We want you to be happy, Ongsa. It doesn't have to be with Shan if you don't want to, but it won't hurt to at least try to put yourself out there.” 

Ongsa has had this conversation with her friends on many occasions and every time, she either walks away in anger or makes empty promises that she will try.

“Look,” she starts, trying to think of a good excuse as to why she shouldn't, but she can't seem to come up with one. “I’m just not interested.” she replies after a pause. It’s the truth, Ongsa has too much on her plate right now to even think of starting a relationship with anyone, it would just be another headache. “Why are you bringing up Shan anyway?” Ongsa asks. She hasn’t seen her ex girlfriend in a while, and it isn’t very likely that her friends keep up with her life more than she does.

“She’s kind of my boss now,” says Charoen nonchalantly. 

“What?” Ongsa squeaks out. 

Shan was a classmate of Alpha’s, a beautiful and incredibly smart med student that, for some reason, had developed a crush on her friend’s clumsy younger sister who sometimes delivered coffee and snacks to them while they were studying. 

Alpha and Ongsa’s friends (minus Sun, whom Ongsa didn’t have the guts to tell) had encouraged her to go out with Shan.

They went on a couple of dates and Ongsa was starting to believe she could get over Sun with Shan’s help, so she was the one to ask Shan to be her girlfriend. 

Around one month into the relationship, Ongsa realized it wasn’t fair to keep such a big secret from her best friend and decided to tell Sun about Shan. 

Unsurprisingly, luck was not on Ongsa’s side, because one day, when she randomly decided to pick Shan up from the hospital after her shift was over, they ran into Sun and Mist at a café near Shan’s apartment. 

While they were waiting in line to place their orders, Shan pulled Ongsa down to plant a soft kiss on her lips. Ongsa's cheeks burned with embarrassment.

Shan pinched a rosy cheek with her fingers, ready to tease her girlfriend when they both heard a surprised gasp from behind them.

Ongsa felt her soul leave her body when she saw Sun and Mist on the line .

“Ongsa?” Sun asked, her brow was furrowed, like she couldn’t quite process the image in front of her. “Who is this?” she blinked up at Shan, who was starting to look uncomfortable.

Bile rose up Ongsa’s throat, “This is Shan, my girlfriend. Shan, this is Sun, my best friend.”

Sun took a step back, as if she’d been slapped. “You… you have a girlfriend?” she asked. “Since when?” 

“Sun, please, let me explain…” Ongsa begged her friend as the smaller girl walked away from the scene. “I’m so sorry, Shan I’ll be right back.” Ongsa apologized to Shan and ran after Sun.

“Ong—” Shan started to say but Mist, who was always so damn helpful, came to Ongsa’s aid:

“Hey, uh, I’m Mist, Sun’s girlfriend, I think we should give them a minute to talk.” Mist gave Ongsa a pitiful look and gestured towards the café’s exit, giving her the space she needed to talk to her friend.

“Sun!” Ongsa called out to her friend, who was trying to open her car.

Sun’s shoulders dropped when she realized she was alone with Ongsa. “How long?” she asked unceremoniously. 

The words felt like a kick to Ongsa’s gut. “Officially, a little over a month.” she whispered. “But we’ve been seeing each other for longer.”

Her friend let out a scoff, “So, every time you blew me off this past month was because you were on dates with your secret girlfriend?” Sun asked incredulously. Ongsa could only nod, ashamed. “Do the others know?” 

Ongsa nodded again, but this time, she tried to explain, “Shan is friends with P’Alpha, so she comes over to our place often and that’s how the others know of her.” Ongsa informed her friend. 

“I just don’t understand why you kept it from me.” Sun’s tone was sad now.

"I'm sorry, Sun." Ongsa said. "I just— I didn't know how to tell you, and it's a new relationship we're still trying to figure things out."

Sun scoffed again "To me it looks like you've figured everything out, since you're kissing her in public and all that."

"Sun, please, don't be unreasonable." Ongsa pleaded.

This seemed to anger Sun even more. "Me?" she pointed at herself "How— I tell you everything, Ongsa. You're always the first one to know everything about me, I'm sorry if it hurts that you don't feel the same."

"Sun, I—"

"We'll talk later, Ongsa, I don't want to see you right now." 

That conversation marked the end of Ongsa and Shan's relationship. After Sun left, Ongsa concentrated all her energy in trying to make up with her, so much that she completely neglected Shan and the older girl ended up breaking up with her shortly after.

"Ongsa?" Charoen asks, bringing her back to the present. "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah," Ongsa nods dismissively, but she knows her friends don't believe her. "I just— I think I'm a little too drunk, I have to go." she puts down a couple of bills on the table. "Goodnight, guys."

She has a lot to think about.

Chapter Text

Ongsa often wonders if she did something unforgivable in her past life.

That's the only explanation she has for the horrible things that are constantly happening to her.

Maybe she scammed an elderly couple out of all their life savings, or maybe she ran over a small defenseless animal with her car, or maybe whatever higher being rules the universe simply hates her guts, it all seems plausible to her.

A couple of weeks following that disastrous night out with her friends, Ongsa has to face one of the biggest events of her life: her college graduation. 

Months ago, before the flowers and the wedding proposals and the constant pain she’s been subjected to, Ongsa looked forward to this day the most; her finally going into the real world to do something she loves for the rest of her life, she had so many plans for the future that seem unattainable now. 

Ongsa had envisioned her life after graduation as her fresh start, she had promised herself to let go of everything that caused her pain and left her restless and to try to become the best version of herself there could be. That felt impossible now that there seemed to be a clock ticking, counting down until she ran out of time.

“Dr. Ampornsopon has a nice ring to it” her sister says from where she stands outside Ongsa’s room. 

Ongsa, who has been staring at her reflection in the mirror for God knows how long, feels her entire face flush. “You’ve been Dr. Ampornsopon for a while, P’Alpha.” she shakes her head.

“Whatever, just… don’t be so nervous, Ongsa, you already have the degree, the ceremony is mostly for the pictures.” Alpha rolls her eyes playfully, “Mom and Dad will be here in five.” the older woman says over her shoulder before closing the door.

The drive to her university is filled with casual chatter from her parents and Alpha, all three of them eager to see Ongsa receive her diploma and to take a million pictures of her and with her after the ceremony is done. It’s the proudest she’s ever seen any of them, she’s glad to have made them this happy at least once; considering the fact that she might never get to see them like this again.

“Are all your friends coming over to the house later?” Her father asks, looking expectantly at her through the rearview mirror.

“Uh, yeah” Ongsa mumbles, breaking away from her gloomy thoughts. “Aylin and P’Luna are helping us with everything at the house, Tinh asked if he could ride back with us because lent his car to his mom and P'Ton told me he'll bring some pastries for dessert. And, uh, Charoen is coming after her shift at the hospital, right?” she turns to her sister, who is squinting at her phone, possibly (definitely) texting said girl.

“She had to cover for one of her friends, I’ll pick her up before dinner.” Alpha says without looking up from her phone.

“Wonderful,” Ongsa’s mom, ever the perfect host, says. Then, “Will Sun come as well, Ongsa? Is she bringing her girlfriend too?” she asks innocently.

The mere mention of her best friend makes Ongsa feel a dull ache in the back of her throat, making it hard for her to even speak. Truthfully, Ongsa doesn't know if Mist is coming since the other woman rarely comes to their hangouts when they invite her, but she might come because today is sort of a big deal? 

Before she can babble an answer, her sister does it for her: “Of course she is coming, mom, and Mist is her fiancée ; they’re engaged now.” she looks pointedly at Ongsa. 

“Alright then” their mother nods, “Nop, we’ll have to bring out another table so we all fit in the garden.” she tells her husband. 

Ongsa keeps her head down the rest of the ride, rubbing a hand over her chest in hopes it’ll soothe the burning feeling inside.

-

The amount of flowers Ongsa received from her friends and family seemed like a cruel joke from the universe to her. Sun arrived first (by herself), with a bouquet of white and yellow flowers that covered her entire torso up to her nose; then Aylin and Luna showed up, her cousin holding a smaller bouquet of hydrangeas with an alien plushie in a graduate outfit sitting in the middle. Ton, who obviously knew better than to bring her more flowers, gave her a eucalyptus plant.

The ceremony didn’t take as long as Ongsa had expected, her and her classmates’ names were called surprisingly quickly and they were now free to go, or in her case, have an impromptu photoshoot in the rugby field. 

“Ongsa look right here , c’mon!” says Tinh, whose face is obscured by his gigantic camera.

Sun (also pointing her phone’s camera in Ongsa’s direction) scowls at him “Tinh, you’ve been hoarding Ongsa’s attention for the last 15 minutes, the rest of us want to take pictures of her too!” she exclaims, her voice filled with annoyance.

“I can send you the ones I'm taking!” Tinh retorts without putting down his camera, “C'mon, future Mrs. Shinawatra, take a picture with our newest Dr. Ampornsopon.” He encourages Sun to pose with her best friend.

Ongsa wraps her arm around Sun's shoulders and smiles widely at the camera, “It's okay, Sun. We can stay a little longer if you want to,” she whispers conspiratorially, “though I don't understand why you want so many pictures of me; you don't even post them on social media or anything.” she adds under her breath, her tone souring slightly. She’d often wondered why her friend didn’t like to share pictures with her on her page but would happily post and tag her other friends whenever they hung out. She never had the courage to ask, but it still hurt to be excluded.

Sun’s hand twitches around Ongsa’s wrist. “I want to remember your special day,” she says after a beat, “I prefer to keep these important memories to myself.” she mumbles unconvincingly. 

“Okay, it’s our turn now,” says Ongsa’s mom, pulling her husband, eldest daughter and niece in place for a family picture.

-

“Hey, how are you going back home?” Sun asks after they take a couple more pictures with their friends.

“With my parents; I didn’t really feel like driving today.” Ongsa tells her.

Sun’s smile widens, “Great! I’m taking you home, then. You can’t say no, I’ve already asked your mother for permission. They’ll take all your stuff with them” She tugs Ongsa towards the parking lot. “P’Sunny misses you.” her friend says when they reach the yellow scooter.

“P’Sunny!” Ongsa exclaims, “I haven't seen you in forever.” After their high school graduation, Sun’s parents surprised her with a car so she could drive herself to her college and P’Sunny stayed with them at their house, Sun rarely drove her now so, this must really be a special occasion to her.

Sun gives Ongsa a helmet before putting hers on. “Hop on, Khun Mhor Ongsa, I have a surprise for you.”

Chapter Text

Riding behind Sun on P'Sunny makes Ongsa feel like she’s in high school again.

After dropping Ongsa’s graduation robes off at her apartment and changing into more comfortable clothing, Sun insisted on taking Ongsa out for a ride before driving her to her party. 

They ride in a comfortable silence, not even bothering to try to talk to each other through the noise of traffic. Ongsa has her arms loosely wrapped around Sun's waist, her chin resting on her friend’s shoulder. 

When they're a few blocks away from their neighborhood, Sun makes a wrong turn. Instead of going straight towards Ongsa’s house, she turns right and parks the bike in front of a familiar looking park. The one where the moto taxi spot they first met each other at is located.

The shorter woman turns to look at her. “Ongsa,” Sun says her name with a soft smile, her expression wistful like she’s also remembering their first encounter. “Here.” She hands Ongsa P'Sunny's key. “She's yours now.”

“Huh? Sun, I–” Ongsa starts to babble.

“Nope, no take backs,” Sun cuts her off, already knowing Ongsa was going to refuse such a gift. “I've already thought this through,” she says, “I don't really drive P'Sunny anymore, Ongsa, she's parked at home most of the time collecting dust.” Sun explains. It is true: ever since Sun started to appear in dramas and to gain popularity, regularly using P'Sunny as a means of transportation became almost impossible since she often got recognized and sometimes even stalked. “And…” Sun gives her that sweet reassuring smile that melts Ongsa’s heart every time, “I know you're not entirely comfortable driving your car everywhere, Ongsa, you're still nervous behind the wheel so, you can take P'Sunny to work and when you go to visit me and only use the car when you come home or when you go grocery shopping.” She takes Ongsa’s hand and squeezes it in reassurance. 

Ongsa knows that there's no way she's changing Sun's mind when she's thought everything through like this. “Fine,” she gives in, “but you've got visitation rights, so call me every time you miss her and I'll take you for a ride, okay?” she smiles down at her friend, her heart doing those annoying flips again.

Miraculously, there's no trace of that pain at the back of her throat, for once in God knows how many weeks, she can swallow without hurting. 

Sun chuckles at her words and pulls her in for a hug, tightly pressing their bodies together. “That's great, doc,” she says against Ongsa’s shoulder, “I think I'll be using your riding services often.” Sun squeezes their bodies together again and pulls away. “C'mon, take us home, your mother is gonna be mad if we get there any later.”

Ongsa nods in agreement, when she's no longer facing her friend, she lets a couple of tears fall, no matter how much it might kill her, she could never forget someone like Sun.

—

When they get home, everything is already set up. There’s a dessert table with all of Ongsa’s favorites, her parents set up the backyard for all of Ongsa’s friends to be at the party, the beautiful flower arrangements that everyone gave her adorn the table where they'll eat later, and someone even made a “Congratulations, Dr. Ampornsopon” banner with Latte, Mocha and Cappuccino's paws imprinted on the fabric and a little animated Ongsa with a lab coat and a stethoscope.

Ongsa has never felt so loved before. 

“Hey,” Sun says suddenly, “I’m gonna help your mom in the kitchen.” She walks off before Ongsa can say anything in response.

“ONGSAAA,” someone squeals in her ear. It's Charoen, who couldn't attend the ceremony earlier, her friend is still wearing her scrubs, probably (definitely) fresh off a long shift at the hospital. She's holding a stuffed dog with a couple one hundred baht bills attached to its paw. “Congratulations, friend!” She wraps her arms around Ongsa in a bone crushing hug.

“Thank you, Charoen,” Ongsa smiles sincerely, “I can’t wait for your graduation too! P’Alpha said that you’re having your party here, right?” she asks.

“Oh, yeah, since it’s just me, mom and uncle we were just gonna have dinner, but Alpha suggested we have a little party here,” her friend explains. “You’re invited, obviously.”

Ongsa nods in understanding, “I look forward to it.”

“Come on, P’Luna brought this really cool karaoke set, it has lights that change depending on the notes you hit, it’s hilarious.”

After a very delicious dinner, courtesy of her parents, Ongsa and her friends lay down on picnic blankets in her backyard to stargaze and gossip. 

“Oooh, Ongsa,” says Charoen lifting her head from where it rested on Alpha's shoulder to look at her, a mischievous smile on her lips.

“Yeah?” Ongsa answers, already knowing her friend is up to no good just by her expression.

“I talked to P’Shan earlier,” Oh boy , “I told her that it was your graduation today, and she gave me a couple of bills for your gift!” Charoen grins.

Ongsa feels Sun stiffen beside her when the other girl hears Shan’s name. “Oh! Uh, please tell her thanks, then.” she says awkwardly, looking for a way to change the topic.

“Your ex gave you a graduation gift?” P’Luna butts in, sitting upright. “She must still like you then!” she squeals in delight. “Ongsa, you should totally give her another chance.” The older woman giggles.

“That’s what I said too!” Tinh joins in as well.

Her entire friend group (sans her and Sun who’s gone suspiciously quiet) erupts in chatter, everyone giving their opinion on whether she and Shan should get back together or not. 

Ongsa shakes her head, “Guys, I don’t think I-” She starts to say, trying to find an excuse to change the subject again.

“Maybe you should try,” says Ton, giving Ongsa a meaningful look.

That shuts her up. He knows , and maybe he’s right, if I try to fall in love with someone else everything will go away? Maybe I won't have to forget?

Sun sits up abruptly, “Ongsa said no already,” she says, her tone annoyed. “She broke up with Shan for a reason, you guys should respect that.” The shorter woman stands up and walks off.

“She broke up with her because of you.” says Tinh under his breath.

“Tinh…” Ongsa gives him a tired look, “Look guys, I don’t know if I’m in a good place to have a relationship right now, I- I just don’t feel like it, okay?” She stands up too. “I’ll go talk to Sun.”

She finds her friend sitting on her parent’s porch, phone in hand. “Sun?” she says sitting down beside her.

“I’m sorry for blowing up,” her friend looks at her with sad puppy eyes, “I just don’t like it when they gang up on you like that.” Her small fist clenches. “I actually think you should try dating again too.” Sun admits, “Just not Shan maybe… or her if that’s what you want.”

Ongsa doesn’t know what to say, so she takes her friend’s hand in hers and stays quiet.

“I don’t want you to be lonely, Ongsa.” Sun squeezes her hand, “I want you to fall in love and be happy.” she says, not meeting Ongsa’s eyes. 

“I’m not lonely,” Ongsa says, “I have Latte, and Mo, and little Cap, you, P’Alpha, Aylin, and the others.” she jokes. 

Sun throws her arms around her neck, pulling her into a hug. “Just- please don’t close yourself off from love, okay?”

“Okay.” Ongsa answers. “I-” she starts to say, but the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway cuts her off.

“Oh, Mist is here to pick me up,” Sun explains. “I have to go to the last fitting for my dress tomorrow morning. You’re coming this time, right?” she asks.

Ongsa has been putting off going to the fittings every time Sun invites her, making up excuses about school and such. She can’t use those now, it’s time to face the music. “Of course.” she says.

And just like that, the ache in her throat comes back in full force.

Chapter Text

When they still were in high school, Sun told Ongsa that she didn’t really see herself having a huge lavish wedding with hundreds of guests. She’d told her that while she dreamed of finding her true love and getting married since she was little, Sun never cared for the extravagant celebrations that their friends claimed they needed, and honestly? Ongsa agreed. She didn’t think she was ever going to get married.

Well, people are allowed to change their minds when they grow up, right?

Last night, after the disastrous end of her graduation party, Sun texted her the location of the bridal dress shop, telling her to get there early so they could have her and Aylin’s bridesmaids dresses picked and tailored since neither of them had attended the previous fittings with the rest of the bridal party. Ongsa out of self-preservation and Aylin because she didn’t want to sit around the bridal shop listening to Sun’s other friends fawning over dresses and sweet stories of Sun and her fiancée (whom Ongsa is sure she's never really liked).

That’s how Ongsa ended up sitting on the backseat of Alpha’s car next to her very unenthusiastic cousin while her sister and her cousin’s girlfriend chatted about what the two of them were wearing to the wedding.

Originally, Sun wanted her bridesmaids’ dresses to be a pale yellow color (her favorite), but after countless arguments with Mist's mom about how tacky it would look, she gave in and chose the ‘much more elegant’ burgundy. 

Over the past couple of months, Sun had shared many different styles and fabric types with Ongsa via text messages, claiming that her dress should reflect her status as Sun's best friend and maid of honor. Ongsa had tried to sound excited about it in her responses, but she’s sure Sun could tell she her heart wasn't in it. 

And how could she? There was no way Ongsa could ever be excited about anything regarding the love of her life's upcoming wedding to someone else.

“Ongsa,” she hears Luna say, “do you have any idea what we're going to be looking for today?” the older woman asks. 

“No,” she says simply. 

Alpha groans in response. “Then, what? Are we gonna have to be there all day?” 

Aylin sinks down further in her seat, defeated.

“Well, Sun said that she has a couple of dresses she wants me to try on, so I think I'll just choose one of them.” Ongsa shrugs, then she turns to her cousin, “I'm pretty sure Sun has some options for you too, Aylin.” she says to try and make her cousin feel better.

Alpha sighs in relief, “Okay, then. Let's get this over with.”

-

Once they arrive, Ongsa and Aylin barely have the chance to say hi to Sun before they are promptly ushered inside the shop owner's office to get their measurements taken.

“You're both quite tall,” the elderly owner of the shop says conversationally while she measures Ongsa’s chest with expertise. Neither she nor Aylin say anything in response,  Ongsa just nods awkwardly. The woman shakes her head. “Which one of you is Ongsa the Maid of Honor?” she asks after she's done scribbling her measurements on her notebook.

“Uh, that's me.” mumbles Ongsa.

The woman hums in response, “You’re quite the controversial figure between the bride and the other bride’s mother. I can see why now, you’re kind of a looker.” She says, amused. 

Ongsa feels her cheeks burn, What does that mean? “Thanks…?” she says. Her cousin shoots her a look that she cannot decipher. 

“C’mere, dear. It’s your turn now.” The woman tells Aylin. 

Aylin nods and walks up to the woman without saying anything, her eyes glued to the ground. Over the years, she’s gotten better at the whole ‘not being an alien’ thing, but Aylin still prefers not to socialize with people she doesn’t deem necessary.

“She talks about you a lot.” The lady says after a minute of silence.

“Pardon me?” Ongsa asks, unsure what she's talking about. Aylin looks at her with raised eyebrows. 

The woman pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “The bride, Khun Prawtawan, I mean.” She clarifies. “She often wonders if you'd approve of her choice, or if you'd tell her to go for something else. The other bride’s mother doesn't seem to appreciate Khun Prawtawan's seeming need for your approval though.“ 

Ongsa has never understood why Mist's mom has a problem with her. It's not like they've met enough times for the woman to properly have a reason to dislike Ongsa, and also she's never been the reason for her daughter and Sun's occasional fights (that she knows). Ongsa has tried her hardest to stay a mere bystander when it comes to Sun's relationship.

“Um, I'm sorry to hear that.” She mumbles, not knowing what else to say.

The woman stares at her for a few seconds and goes back to work on her cousin.

When she's done, she quietly brings out the bridesmaid's dresses Sun chose for them and tells them to try them on and then go join Sun and the rest of the bridal party while she heads to the back of the store.

As soon as they reach the other girls, Ongsa notices her best friend is missing. “Where's Sun?” she asks.

Dear, who is browsing through racks of colorful bridesmaid’s dresses, points toward the back of the store where the dressing rooms are, and says: “She’s putting her dress on.”

“I'm so excited,” Vi squeals, clapping her hands, “it's the first time she's letting us see the dress she chose.” 

“Huh?” Ongsa stammers, “but I thought you guys came with her before?” 

Vi, Dear, and Kongkwan give her three identical eye rolls. “Sun was waiting for you to come to show us which dress she chose.”

Alpha and Luna share a look Ongsa can't decipher while Aylin mumbles to herself, “That’s weird.” No one says anything after that.

Ongsa sits down on one of the couches by the waiting area.

Minutes pass without any meaningful conversation between the two groups until Sun's friends come to sit with Ongsa and her family.

“So… Ongsa,” says Vi, a cheeky grin on her lips. Ongsa doesn’t like where this is going. “Is it true that you and P'Ton left Sun's engagement party early?” The other girls’ mouths fall open.

“Uh– well, yes? But it's because I was feeling ill! P'Ton was just being nice that night when he took me home. Nothing more.” Ongsa explains quickly.

Kongkwan sighs dreamily, “I think you guys should get back together, you would make such a beautiful couple.” 

Her words seem to wake up a sleeping demon inside the other girls. “Oh my gosh, Ongsa! You should totally ask him to be your date for the wedding.” says Vi, hugging a heart shaped cushion to her chest.

Dear nods vigorously, “Aww, you two would be so sweet together, and he used to like you so much! I think this time it'll actually work out!” 

Ongsa feels her entire body flush with embarrassment. “Oh, I'm not– we're– it’s not like that at all, guys, I promise. P'Ton is just a very close friend of mine.”

Vi shoots her an incredulous look, “Ongsa, you don't have to be shy, P'Ton is a very handsome guy, we understand, and–”

“Ongsa doesn’t like P'Ton, Vi. Let it go.” an irritated voice says to Ongsa’s right. 

It's Sun, whose fierce expression doesn't match the delicate wedding dress she is wearing.

The gown is a beautiful pearly white color, with a corset that hugs her best friend's torso perfectly and a puffy white skirt that makes Sun look like a real life princess, and even though she isn't all dolled up for the occasion, Ongsa would marry her on the spot.

God, I hope Mist knows how lucky she is.

“S-Sun” Ongsa babbles, her heart thumping wildly against her chest “You look incredible.” she feels tears well up in her eyes as she feels her throat get itchy again. 

Sun's cheeks are a lovely shade of pink. “Thank you, Ongsa,” she says with a sheepish smile, all traces of her past annoyance gone.

The rest of the group starts fawning over her immediately after, giving Ongsa a moment to compose herself. 

Please not now, not here. Don't ruin it for her. She chants in her head, but her prayers are of no use. She feels the petal tickle the back of her throat and bolts toward the restroom. 

She falls to her knees as soon as she gets there, the water of the toilet bowl turns a sickening shade of pink when the first bloody petal falls.

Tears run down her cheeks freely, the dam has broken and Ongsa isn't sure when she'll be able to fix it, or if she'll be able to fix it at all.

It was just too much, seeing Sun in her actual wedding dress made the reality of her upcoming nuptials impossible to ignore. 

Ongsa felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. She should be out there, celebrating her best friend's happiness with everyone else, but she’s stuck on that bathroom floor, hiding how much said happiness is killing her. 

When she finally gets the strength to get up from the floor, the bathroom door flies open.

It's Aylin. 

And she is looking at Ongsa with horror written all over her face.