Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1. Bad Gays

Ben: Well, Huw. Fitzroy Angursell. Good gay, bad gay, good not gay, bad not gay?

Huw: With the usual disclaimer about applying modern Ystharan labels to someone in a different time and other worlds... Definitely bi. We devoted some of this episode to the question of how to understand words in the Wide Seas Islander language in terms of our own Western frame of reference, particularly a word like "fanoa" that is so resistant to Western assumptions about sex, love and marriage. We've also discussed whether it's even appropriate to recontextualise these words in this way, or if doing so is colonialist; and also some of the history of asexuality here and in Zunidh. All of that said, Fitzroy Angursell clearly had relationships with men, women, and non-binary people, so I think bi or pan would be the most appropriate label.

Ben: Agreed. And bad or not bad?

Huw: We've also discussed the complications of grappling with the legacy of a person who led a double life and was famous in both of his identities. If those two identities had not been the same person, I'd be inclined to vote "not bad" for Angursell, and "bad" for Lord Artorin. What do you think, Ben?

Ben: I'm interested in the construction of the Emperor as a god figure, and the ways Artorin seems to have resisted that where possible. I'm also very sympathetic to the position he was placed in at the beginning of his reign as emperor.

Huw: And before that.

Ben: Right! I actually would give more weight to the Angursell part of his legacy when answering this question, and in particular his work as Angursell in shaping his legacy as Artorin Damara, and the legacy of his [coughs meaningfully] secretary Cliopher Lord Mdang.

Huw: Interesting. Is that because of the 'great man theory of history' we discussed before?

Ben: It's partly that, but it's also the ways he's dominated the narrative of political reform in Astandalas and Zunidh, the narrowing of "anarchist revolutionary" to cleaning up corruption and instituting public works, even really good ones—

Huw: Some of them, anyway.

Ben: —and some more problematic ones, yes; while leaving the hereditary and mageocratic power structures in place and even increasing their power...

2. Maintenance Phase

Aubrey: Hello and welcome to Maintenance Phase, the podcast that takes a year of processing to reach you...

Michael: Too real!

Aubrey: I thought you were about to say 'too soon'!

Michael: Definitely not too soon.

Aubrey: I'm your host Aubrey Gordon...

Michael: And I'm Michael Hobbes...

Aubrey: And today we'll be discussing Simply Glorious by Lord Iprenna. Have you heard much about this, Michael?

Michael: I've heard... a little bit. He was the head of a cult on some other world, and now he's put out a recipe book?

Aubrey: Boy do you have a treat in store for you. Iprenna was one of the two high priests of the Ouranatha —I think I'm saying that right— which was the wizard council responsible for the magical... power grid, I guess, in pre-Fall Astandalas.

Michael: And then the Fall happened, So now he's putting out a recipe book. Guess he has to make a living somehow.

Aubrey: Mike, you're a thousand years ahead of me!

Michael: Oops, sorry.

Aubrey: For our listeners for whom this is literally ancient history —you're probably all like, "I'm ten thousand years too young for this!"— time went very weird (that's the technical term) during the Interim Period.

Michael: So he's like a power company executive?

Aubrey: Yes and no. Kind of that, kind of a branch of government, kind of a state religion. So it's like if Enron got nationalised by the state of Texas and the governor sacked the board of directors, so Kenneth Lay, who also used to be John Roberts before the Supreme Court seceded from the USA along with DC...

Michael: This is wild, but also kind of close to home. Sorry, you were saying, Kenneth Lay, who is also John Roberts, brings out a recipe book?

Aubrey: And he's also the head of the College of Cardinals in Rome. All of that rolled together.

Michael: Wild. So when I guessed before that he had to make a living, how close was I?

Aubrey: I need to give you just a little more Astandalan and Zuni history first, OK? After the dissolution of the Ouranatha's official government role, they pivoted hard to trying to appeal to the general public through the intermundial media. They were trying to enlist as many people as they could to do all these intense, time-consuming rituals which used to be just for rich people in Astandalas.

Michael: They rebranded.

Aubey: Right. They tried a lot of apocalyptic pay-us-now-to-stop-a-second-Fall shit, but lately they've been pushing a whole self-improvement angle.

Michael: And what's the Ouranatha's motive here? Do they believe their "another Fall" rhetoric, or are they making a profit? How does it work?

Aubrey: It's a bit of both. When people perform the rituals, they're generating a little bit of magic —or donating some of their own if they have it— and feeding it into the Astandalan Schooled Magic network. Which is like a really fragile power grid that needs constant maintenance in addition to generating the actual power, and there's a heap of events that can make it go down if they don't counteract them. And most of the Ouranatha are heavily or completely dependent on this network to use magic at all, because of the way they were trained and the systems they work with. They could use the post-Fall hybrid system developed by Artorin Damara, but that's shaped and rate-limited.

Michael: So, I'm sure I learned the answer to this in school, but tell me, Aubrey, can there be a second Fall? Are they right to worry about that?

Aubrey: Yes and no. Astandalas is gone, it can't fall again. The Damara grid could collapse, but not in the same way as before because it was set up very differently. I'm not saying there couldn't be a disaster, but even if there was, the Ouranatha's approach doesn't seem like it would help.

Michael: So they're running a scam drawing on people's legitimate fears?

Aubrey: Right, but things have gone further off the rails in later years, and it seems likely a large proportion of them believe their own hype. But also after some reforms in recent years (if you know who Lord Chancellor Mdang is? Yeah, that was one of his) they have to account for what they draw from the hybrid grid, and put in requisition forms for larger workings, so now they're strapped for cash and magical power.

Michael: So that's why this... Iprenna writes a recipe book.

Aubrey: It's actually a combination recipe and diet book, based on the Imperial dietary taboos.

Michael: The what now?

Aubrey: They're part of the old Astandalan aristocratic religious observances, but this is on the strictest level, the one only the emperor or empress does, and after the Fall they made a revised version for post-Fall Zunidh, to make it even worse. You know, the Emperor's Diet.

Michael: I have never heard of this diet.

Aubrey: I am certain you have, you just don't know that's what it is. How do I know this? Because Fitzroy Angursell wrote a satirical song about it.

Michael: I'm sure I'd remember that.

Aubrey: It's one of his kid songs. The title is 'You Scurvy Mage', but nobody calls it that. It goes like...

Fitzroy Angursell [recording]: "He said: no melons, lemons, strawberries, cherries, blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, jostaberries, passionfruit, grapefruit..."

Michael: Oh my God, 'The Fruit Song'?

Aubrey: See? I told you you'd heard it.

Michael: I thought that was a preschool song about eating your fruits and vegetables!

Aubrey: It is a preschool song about eating your fruits and vegetables! It's just also this thousand and seventysomething year old man recounting his diet trauma!

Michael: I'm going to have that stuck in my head for the rest of this episode. It is so catchy it should be illegal.

Aubrey: I see what you did there!

Michael: So, wait, Fitzroy Angursell, in his time as Emperor, did he actually follow this diet?

Aubrey: That's right...

3. Sawbones

Justin: Sydnee, would you still love me if one of my arms suddenly turned to stone?

Sydnee: Well, Justin, I don't know. What's the context here? Why is your arm suddenly turning to stone?

Justin: The Lady's curse is come upon me!

Sydnee: Oh, right, of course. And what did you do to incur the Lady's curse?

Justin: Why do you assume it's my fault?

Sydnee: Welcome to Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. I'm Sydnee McElroy, and today we're discussing curses and medical conditions caused by them. Thank you to James and Hazza for requesting today's topic.

Justin: And I'm Justin McElroy, and if my arm turned to stone due to a divine curse, it would totally not be my fault!

4. WTYP

Justin: Welcome to Well There's Your Problem, a podcast about engineering disasters. I'm Justin Rozniak, my pronouns are he/him, and today we'll be covering the Fall of Astandalas.

November: Do we have enough time?

Justin: [sighs]

November: Sorry, everyone. This episode we'll be looking at a situation in which the best expert advice available—

Justin: For what that's worth.

November: Fair point. The best expert advice available, for what that's worth, on the subject of the passage of time was "try not to think about it, you'll make it worse." So the minute by minute breakdown of what happened may be just a bit messier than usual.

5. Productivity Alchemy

Kevin Sonney: So, the happy but difficult question I ask my guests: do you celebrate your successes, and if so, how?

Cliopher Mdang: If it's a major project and I want to commemorate it, I go to the efà back in Gorjo City next time I'm home and tell him the story of what I did, and he determines what efela would be most suitable.

Kevin: An efela being a traditional necklace?

Cliopher: Yes, that's right. And an efà holds the lore of the efela. I've been going to Mardo Walea for my efela for my whole life, so by now he's more familiar with my career than anyone else back home.

Kevin: So Mardo Walea sells you an efela representing your accomplishment. And then do you wear your new efela?

Cliopher: [hesitates] I don't really. I should. It's a difficult balance, but I can do better.

Kevin: Now, the easy but sad question I ask all my guests is: how do you deal with failure, or when you miss a goal?

Kevin: Cliopher? Cliopher, are you there? I think there's a problem with your connection. Let's go to a break...

Chapter Text

[Live recording of a Fitzroy Angursell concert of his songs for children. Set in the Vangavaye-ve, but recorded for broadcast in Ysthar.]

Fitzroy: What's your favourite fruit?
Audience member: Mangos!
Fitzroy: Nope, you can't have that! What about you? Favourite fruit?
Audience member: Apples!
Fitzroy: No, that's not allowed. You there, what's your favourite fruit?
Audience member: [shy giggle] Ummmm.... Grapes.

Fitzroy: I'm sorry, sayina, it says here that grapes are strictly forbidden. You, sayino, what's your favourite fruit?
Audience member: Chocolate!
Fitzroy: There's always one, isn't there? I'll consult the rulebook. [looks at a very long scroll which spools down into a pile at his feet] It says here in section MDCLXXXVIII subsection ixiv point iii [he slowly spells out the Roman numerals by their letter names] that chocolate is Not A Fruit, so in fact you're good. Not so fast! Conditions apply. It says you may only eat it when you won't spoil your appetite for dinner, and you have to brush your teeth afterwards, and don't get it on your shirt or your books, and you must always bring enough to share with the group... [calls offstage] Jullanar, how many people are here tonight?
Jullanar, offstage: It's a full house.
Fitzroy: They don't play Poacher, Jullanar, how many is that in numbers?
Jullanar: One thousand.

Fitzroy: Thanks! So if you want to eat some right now, I hope you brought enough for a thousand people. No? Better keep it for later, then... oh, and one more rule: before you eat it, first you've got to get a priest to pray over it for six weeks. That's alright, isn't it? No? Great. You there, the one in the blue, what's your favourite fruit?

Audience member: Pineapple!
Fitzroy: Lord Mdang, good of you to join us.
Cliopher, in the audience: You don't have to call me Lord Mdang, I'm retired. Also we're fanoa.
Fitzroy: So we are. But I retired before you did, and I did not revoke your title, so Lord Mdang you shall remain. Where was I, then? Ah yes, pineapple. Absolutely not. Guards!
Ludvic, next to Cliopher in the audience: What is it, Fitzroy?
Fitzroy: This man says he likes eating pineapple.
Ludvic: And?
Fitzroy: Well, arrest him! He can't go around claiming he can eat pineapple like that's allowed!
Ludvic: I'm retired too.
Fitzroy: Oh, carry on then. You there, what's your favourite fruit?

Audience member: [starts crying like a baby; is a baby]
Audience member's mother, holding them in her arms: They like apricots and bananas.
Fitzroy: Poor kid. I'd cry too. We all would, right? [gestures expansively at the audience] We've all been there, haven't we, sobbing in an auditorium just from thinking about all the delicious fruits we've been forbidden to eat?
Audience: [silence, mutters of "no?"]

Fitzroy: Oh come on, I can't be the only one who misses fresh fruit. No way it's just me. I bet you're all just putting a brave face on it, and really you're just as sad as I am that you haven't had any fresh fruit since they made you...

Fitzroy: [very dramatic realisation] OH. It WAS only me! I didn't get to have any fresh fruit after they made me Emperor! Everyone else was allowed to eat fruit, but I wasn't. That wasn't very fair, was it?
Audience: No!
Fitzroy: No???
Audience: [louder] NO!

Fitzroy: You're right, it wasn't very fair. It wasn't fair at all! And do you know what I do when I think something isn't fair at all? [rhetorical pause]
Audience member: Ask Uncle Cliopher to change the law?
Fitzroy, delighted: Dora Mdang, I'm telling your grandmother you heckled me at a concert!
Dora: [something inaudible]
Fitzroy: Don't you roll your eyes at me! Now then. Do you (not you, Dora!) know what I do when I think something isn't fair at all, and I can't ask Lord Mdang to change the law? [rhetorical pause] That's right, I write a song and sing it out loud to tell everyone that it's not fair. Now, here's a song I wrote about how unfair it was that they wouldn't let me eat any fruit. It's called 'You Scurvy Mage'.