Chapter Text
Rain was pouring down like it always was in June. Yokohama always seemed to be a rainy place no matter the weather. Atsushi knew the feeling of rain pitter pattering on his skin like he knew the pain of a nail through his foot. It was an old feeling, today he stood warm and dry. Reaching into his tiny fridge to retrieve the beef cuts he had been given earlier a gift from the ever flippant Dazai. “For curry!” He had said with the flick of his wrist. Atsushi had only recently tried curry for the first time, it waa a comfort food, and something he'd like to give to Kyouka. He leisurely looked over at a neatly dressed Kyouka. She sat at their table watching him move through the kitchen, occasionally looking out the window as the raindrops fell outside, and sifting through a coloring book Ranpo had “gifted” her. In truth, it had come with some sort of candy he wanted and after ripping away his object of desire she seemed to be the closest person at the time. Regardless of the circumstances, she seemed pleased and was enjoying her prize all the same.
With the onslaught of rain as the only sound throughout the house, Atsushi flicked on a radio. A small radio, but it worked just the same. The crackling melody of a saxophone through the airwaves soon surrounded them. Peace. At last they had a moment's peace.
In characteristic irony their calm was immediately interrupted by a sudden pounding on the door. A BANG BANG BANG BANG like that of a madman trying to break into their little home. Atsushi rushed to the genkan holding Kyouka behind him, not because she was helpless but because he would rather himself be hurt before her. Whatever was beyond this door didn't sound very friendly, but as his hand slid to the doorknob, claws ready to pounce, a familiar-and unwelcome- voice came from beyond the door.
“ JINKO!”Akutagawa roared with an inconsolable fury, although he made no efforts to do more than angrily knock on the door. Atsushi's first instinct was to claw his way through the thin doorway but his concrete determination to show Kyouka violence was not the answer to any problem, no matter how much Akutagawa made his blood boil, made him stop. He waited, his hand hovering at the metal knob. He would wait until he heard footsteps walk into the distance, it would be a victory. But the footsteps never left his front door. They were both silent as silent could be. In a whisper, inaudible to a normal person, Atsushi’s ears caught the sound of a voice. It was quiet, of course, but in a way that sounded almost defeated.
“Atsushi.” it called.
And suddenly Atsushi opened the door. He wanted to scream. The words came to mind easily, flooding his mouth, pushing against his lips. How dare you come knocking on our door! How dare you pick a fight in our home! We have done nothing to you! I thought we were a team! What the hell is wrong with you!? We don’t just show up at your house banging on the door like maniacs! Just what the actual fuck is your problem here!? But as he looked outside every word melted away in an instant.
There stood Akutagawa, sopping wet on their stoop like a stray dog without a cardboard box to sleep under. His eyes were red, his mouth had traces of blood around the corners, and his breathing was more labored than normal. Atsushi could hear it all, with the tiger's ears he could hear every breath he took, in and out, in.. and out, in and- and before he knew it, he had taken Akutagawa by the hand, leading him inside. He couldn't remember saying anything but he must have told Kyouka to run and get a towel as she was handing him one. He couldn’t remember why he was the one drying Akutagawa’s hair instead of Akutagawa himself. But most of all he couldn’t remember why he was suddenly running a warm bath for the person who had been trying to kill him, and who he had also tried to kill. Yet the look of defeat on Akutagawa’s sunken features plagued his mind. He looked so pathetic it was painful. Every wall Atsushi had put up was broken as the most prideful, rude, and angry person he knew looked at him like he was all he had left.
So he filled the bath, Akutagawa stood behind him, both of them silent and unguarded. It was the perfect chance to finish off an enemy, but in the moment, all Atsushi wanted was to make sure he was alright. He wanted Akutagawa, his rival, his mortal enemy, to be warm and safe just as he wanted for Kyouka. He thought in that moment maybe his heart was his weakness, and that this would be the moment he would pay for it. But, there was not a word spoken, not a shift of weight not a weapon drawn. There was only Atsushi and Ryuunosuke. Their persona’s had left, no black dog of the mafia, no man eating white tiger, it was just two people.
As Atsushi turned to Akutagawa once more he felt an overwhelming sadness in watching him stand there silently staring at the floor. It suddenly struck Atsushi how defenseless Akutagawa would be without clothing. But if he stayed in his clothing the best case scenario was a nasty cold, and at worst... Regardless, the last time he was sick it wasn’t good for anyone. He still may have caught something running around in the freezing cold rain like that. What was he thinking?! Still, Atsushi could not bring himself to give him a single reprimand. As he stood in Atsushi’s bathroom, towel around his shoulders, dripping like a stormcloud onto the plastic floor Atsushi found himself wishing for the confident, quick witted, and determined person he had come to know.
“I'll get you some of my clothes, take a bath and give me your coat....I’m just going to dry it.” Atsushi softly hummed to this twenty-something like he was still in the single digits and didn't know better. " I promise that's all I'll do." Yet Akutagawa said nothing, not a snide comment, not a foul rejection, he only stood silently staring at the steam rolling off the water as Atsushi shuffled his way across the room and slowly closed the door behind him with a click, leaving Akutagawa to drip with the faucet.
Atsushi then found himself scrambling through his drawers for something nice enough for Akutagawa to wear. He was worried if it wasn't to his liking he would try to put on his coat again. So he picked a few things, all his favorite creamy white color, that being all he owned. Atushsi wondered if Akutagawa was still standing soaking wet and freezing beyond the door, frozen in place. He worried if he was, how he could convince him that he was safe. But to his surprise and delight when he returned to the bathroom door there was a pile of soaking wet black cloth laying in a huge heap like highway trash. He could just barely hear the slosh of water from beyond the door, enough to satisfy his worry. He had intended to leave without a word but Akutagawa’s voice beaconed him back to the doors’ edge.
“Nakajima,” he spoke, forcing back something in his voice that left a harsh growl in his tone. “ I don't know where else to go... I don't know what to do.” He spoke, almost biting his own tongue trying to stop himself from saying anything at all.
Atsushi sank to the floor listening to his every word like it would be his last. “You’re lying.” He retorted as if it had any more bite than being hit with a pillow. He was lying but not with any intent to hurt him, he knew that heartbeat well. There was a different thump in his chest that was so far from anything he had heard before, especially from him...
Water sloshed again, he took a shaky breath, then let it out and almost painfully, he continued “You don't deserve the truth” he paused “... Rather... I cannot bring myself to admit it. Or whatever." He mumbled the last part, breaking away from his normal speech patterns into a relaxed colloquialism. " I am at your door for a reason. Leave it at that. I beg."
“Oh.” Atsushi gulped. He had never imagined that they were really that close, he always thought they were nothing but... Well they had been through a lot together and... well there was that other time. Or that other time but-
“As if I'd go to my boss, or my pitying coworker, or god forbid Dazai. I'd rather kill myself." Akutagawa hissed, his words were back to sharp jabs but they had no edge to them anymore, it was more excuses and lies than anything. There were some truths to it but the bit he had said before sounded so sincere it was hard to go back. These words were more defensive, more angry, more like the Akutagawa he knew. In truth, he was happy to hear the spines on his words if it meant he was feeling better.
Atsushi let himself crack into a smile“I'm glad you trust me... " he too paused, wondering if Akutagawa 'deserved' this truth," I trust you too." With that Akutagawa fell completely silent. Atsushi took the silence as a sign to leave the clothes and return to his cooking.
Soon he was back to where he had left off, chopping the vegetables and cooking the meat some way Kunikida had mentioned in passing. Around halfway into cubing the potatoes he heard the click of the bathroom door and creaking footsteps coming towards him. He almost didn’t bother to look up because he was half expecting Kyouka. But he did, because he knew better, because he knew it was Akutagawa. And to his delight there was Akutagawa dressed in his creamy white pajama set and black long sleeve underneath. He looked almost plush, but his spiky wet hair made it hard to forget how he dressed on a normal day. Not that Atsushi minded. He had come to enjoy Akutagawa’s style when they met on days off. He always thought it was cool but would never say this to his face. Yet seeing him now in his own clothes was so different it was near laughable. He resisted the urge to poke fun at his contrasting appearance but could not fully hold his tounge.
"You look nice." he said with a gentle smile he couldn't hold back. It sounded much more genuine aloud than it did in his mind, when thinking of the words they sounded heavily sarcastic. But somewhere on the path from his inner monologue to his tongue they had been stripped of any ill intent. Maybe it was instinctive that he would like his own clothes, but on Akutagawa, that seemed to be a stretch of the imagination. Maybe that's what made him so very fond of the sight.
But of course... He didn't respond, jackass, Atsushi thought. The one time I'm genuinely complimenting him and he doesn't even care. What a-
"So do you..." Akutagawa returned flatly. It halted every thought in Atsushi's mind. He wanted to immediately snap back that he must be lying again, but he wasn't. Even in his plain old pajamas... Did he really look nice? Even with his bangs pinned back in a silly bunny clip from Kyouka? He looked nice? Really? He didn't know what to say and yet he stumbled out a quick thanks hoping to close the subject.
But he pushed past the thank you as Atsushi anxiously smiled and offered a seat at the table where Kyouka was sitting idly.
Expectedly, he declined. His relationship with Kyouka was a mixed bag, at least he trusted Atsushi, even if he didn’t like him all that much. Instead he had taken to leaning against the counter where Atsushi was cutting vegetables into bite sized pieces. As he continued on the extra pair of eyes nearly made his knife slip to make jagged lines under such a horrific stare.
“So, do you like curry?” Atsushi asked, trying get the subject onto Akutagawa
"I've never had it before." he responded coldly, leaning on the nearby counter space as if it were his own home. For some it felt normal that he should act that way, he fit right into place by Atsushi's side. Yet he still felt uneasy with him nearby. The problem wasn't his hostility, which was normally spilling out of every seam, instead it was something Atsushi was unfamiliar with, especially from Akutagawa.
Comfort
It was so nice, so undeniably saccharine he could almost get high on the feeling. But instead he simply turned and in a voice much gentler than he ever thought possible to give to such a man, said," Here, can you finish chopping these for me?"
And of course he didn't respond. But he still moved to the cutting board and quietly began chopping. Atsushi almost chuckled at how easily he obeyed orders, but quickly felt a pang of guilt and a certain fill of contempt for the man who made him like this. Dazai really had done a number on him, just as the headmaster had on himself. In that regard they understood each other better than anyone. But what they wanted from their 'mentors' was where they differed.
Waving away such depressing thoughts like flies, Atsushi quickly turned to the pot he had been cooking the beef in, stirring and flipping the browning meat. As the sizzling sound filled the kitchen he shot a few glances at his "selfish, hated rival", scared that if he looked away for too long he may wake up and he would be gone once more.
Of course this was a strange feeling. At the orphanage he was at the bottom, always blamed, always alone, always in pain. But now his life had been flipped upside down, with dazai, and kyouka, and kunikida, and everyone else from the ADA. He had allies who lifted him up high into the sky. And Akutagawa, his begrudging partner, was someone he trusted and hoped to understand. Now, with him stripped away from his armor there was a chance to look into his heart: To make a friend in someone he once regarded as his foe.
After just a few more moments of chopping Akutagawa turned his head up expectantly waiting for his next instruction. Atsushi could only offer him a dry smile. He didn't really want to give him orders, he liked Akutagawa much more when he acted by the wishes of his soft heart. And thankfully all that was left was to combine both meat and vegetables and leave it to simmer.
Atsushi, turning away from the bubbling pot, clapping his hands together with a smile" How does a warm drink sound?"
Akutagawa, ever difficult, flippantly gave him a wave of his hand that reminded him of Dazai in the worst way. The signal means something on the scale of 'i don't care what you do. ' to 'sure.' the vagueness of the gesture leaving plenty of room for interpretation. So Atsushi, ever optimistic, turned and began to set a kettle to boil and take out some coffee powder kenji had given him recently. It seemed like something from a nearby farm, he had said something about an excess or maybe a gift he wanted to pass on.
Atsushi had always liked coffee, well, since he first tried it, he found the bitterness familiar. It wouldn't be much of a surprise that Akutagawa would like it, based on his bitter personality. But it did make him raise an eyebrow when Akutagawa asked for milk and sugar-a bit rudely he might add. After the black coffee was poured into two simple mugs Akutagawa quickly drowned the black bitterness in an ungodly amount of sugar!
It took Atsushi aback seeing as he himself only liked a small spoonful of sugar if any at all. What Akutagawa was drinking could barely be considered coffee anymore, it was more like coffee flavored sugar! It made Atsushi puff out a laugh as Akutagawa quickly put his 'last' scoop of sugar in. His cheeks turned a bit red, maybe from the steam, maybe from Atsushi's silent teasing, comparing the color of his cup to milk and his own to coal.
" I don't like bitter things, I'm surprised you do."
" Why's that?" Atsushi cocked his head
Akutagawa shrugged, " Aren't you tired of bitter things? I'm sure you ate as much as I did."
Atsushi thought for a moment before solely recalling his childhood, then spoke slowly, softly, "Bitter green tea over rice is one of the few things I reliably had to eat. It's.... Familiar."
" Don't limit yourself to familiarity. Indulge. It's your freedom." Akutagawa replied, almost getting angry. His words were hostile but seemingly directed at the mug in Atsushi's hand.
"Maybe you're right. In that aspect I'm a coward." Atsushi said plainly, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so he just took another sip of his coffee. Akutagawa took another drink from his own glass. He watched his reflection ripple in the murky surface with a half hearted smile.
Suddenly his cup was ripped from his hand and Akutagawas was shoved into its place.
"Drink that. I'll drink this. I don't want to hear shit about you being a coward. I wouldn't give my life for a coward. Don't go disgracing my sacrifice." Although his words seemed as sharp as knives he had that same thump in his chest that told Atsushi just how sincere he was. For a moment Atsushi gazed at the deep scar across Akutagawa's neck feeling a lump in his throat. Akutagawa lifted his own glass and resolutely looked into his eyes before taking a long sip of Atsushi's bitter coffee.
"This is disgusting." He said scrunching up his nose like a child.
Atsushi chuckled while taking a sip of Akutagawa's cup of sugar. "Same to you. This is horrible!" regardless of what he said, Atsushi had the fullest intention of finishing the cup with a wide smile on his face.
And almost infectiously, he could just barely see a smile creeping onto Akutagawa's face too. But then quickly raised a hand to cover that which Atsushi so desired. It was after only a moment he realized he wasn't messing around.
His lungs.
"Are you okay?! Don't answer that, just follow me." Atsushi had been in so many disastrous situations and this seemed to be one of those moments where his fight or flight took over, and today he flew. He quickly led Akutagawa to the dining room with Kyouka at the table. He didn't have time to worry about their troubled past he just needed to find Akutagawa some relief.
Akutagawa, still silently coughing, swatted at Atsushi the whole way to the table until he finally sat down and Atsushi retreated. He didn't want to leave, even if it meant getting slapped around a bit, but the timer had just gone off and he figured burnt food would help no one. Although he quickly ran back in with a glass of water and some more hits from Akutagawa sent him back to the kitchen.
But his absence left a wheezing Port Mafia dog with someone who gave a vow to never return to said mafia. Akutagawa was indifferent to the situation though, and luckily so was she. Or she would have been if Atsushi hadn't been encouraging her to speak her mind. And so she decided to do just that.
" Why are you here?" She asked in a quiet voice not bothering to look up from her coloring.
The older one gave a huff in response.
She shrugged " That's okay. You don't have to tell me. But you should tell him, he's worried about you." she said, picking up a blue marker, not before placing her previous green back into rainbow order.
" Really? Atsushi is..?" as the words left his mouth there stood atsushi with three precariously balanced plates like magic.
" Hey! Good to see you two talking! Are ya feeling any better? Lungs okay? Oh wow, that coloring looks really great! I think you're getting really really good at that! And-" Atsushi yammered on as he placed the plates neatly in front of their placemats, making multiple trips to grab chopsticks, coffees, and tea for Kyouka.
Finally after running around in a panic for the past twenty minutes Atsushi finally sat down. Now with two jet black haired, sweetly dressed, cold blooded killers at his side, he felt incredibly at ease.
Atsushi liked the feeling of being full, it was scarce in childhood but his appetite became quite large as he got older and luckily became more frequently satisfied. Today, it was good to just sit back and watch them enjoy a meal. Atsushi was building a family from nothing, not that Akutagawa was his FAMILY, but he could at least be considered a friend by this point right? Like a visitor. Temporary family. A trial period. A-
" Nakajima," Akutagawa said, taking his last bite, "Thank you. For taking me in."
"Hey. We're partners right? Don't worry about it. " Atsushsi joked happily giving a light punch to Akutagawa's shoulder. He realized then as his fist hit the plush sweater, not only did he look soft, he was soft which made him immediately draw back feeling some guilt. Somehow he still expected a rock solid exterior.
Atsushi wanted very much to end the conversation there but Akutagawa had this unmistakable look in his eyes that was begging to be seen. It was the look that Atsushi knew very well. It was something he had come to find unease in. It was scary to think about. Atsushi knew the look. The ' I need to tell you something ' look.
It had never been good to him. Conversations following the look usually ended in " has died" or "was killed" or something of the sort. So at this moment all he wanted to do was sink into the floor and hide. But he couldn't. Kyouka was there, he wouldn't allow another child to know that look as well as he did.
He smiled, " Kyouka. Can you please pick up our plates today... I need to talk to him outside for a minute." She nodded, leaving Atsushi alone with him and that look. And as they walked to the door Atsushi couldn't shake the horrible feeling filling his chest. He could catch glimpses of his headmaster in corners of his eyes. His boots sneaking into Atsushi's peripheral, his voice in the whir of the air conditioning, his presence sending a chill down his spine. Doubt began seeping into his mind like a swarm of locusts.
He doesn't give a shit about you, he's just using you. You're so stupid to think he could actually care about you. He's a criminal, a cold hard killer, he's just like me. Why would you let him in? You put your whole household in danger. How could you? Idiot. Those who cannot protect others are usele-
" Atsushi?"
He quickly turned around. Akutagawa was tugging on his hand which seemed to be shaking now.
The wind blew the rain past the railing and past the overhang to splatter against his face. That was the first time he said his first name wasn't it? It was so shocking everything just seemed to melt away.
"I need to tell you something." Akutagawa said as he released his hand, falling back to his side before leaning against the rickety railing. Atsushi followed his movements lazily.
Once, Kenji had taught Atsushi about grounding techniques. It was easy to feel things at an extreme with the tiger's senses, thus finding a way to combat his anxieties with reality was relieving. The senses at play, sight, sound, smell, and touch. Each one used to bring himself back to earth's gravity.
Deep breaths. Focus.
Focus on how long his eyelashes were, and how deep his eyes seemed and the pensive look that accompanied them. The way his hair blew in the wind, dancing with the breeze.
" I..."
Focus on how his voice was uncharacteristically deep. While Atsushsi had grown to like his voice he always imagined it to be lighter, and a bit more raspy, in his mind for some reason. But, today, as his voice was carried through the rain, it felt almost relaxing.
" I wanted to tell you-"
Focus on petrichor. That's the word for the smell of rain. Firewood and green tea. That's what Akutagawa normally smelled like, when he didn't smell like blood that is. Fresh laundry. What Atsushi smelled like, and now Akutagawa too.
" I..."
Focus on the aluminum railing, cool beneath his elbows. The raindrops occasionally landed nearby, on his hands, on his face, in his hair. Each drop landed with a hard plop and a scattering of droplets.
" I just found out my lungs are getting better."
In an instant his entire body was wrapped around Akutagawa. With his mind almost entirely run by emotion Atsushi scooped him up in his arms and lifted his to the sky. He twirled him around laughing like a madman until he was dizzy and out of breath. He was so happy. Why was he so happy? Who cares!? HE WAS GETTING BETTER!!!
He could tell Akutagawa wasn't laughing with him, but he wasn't resisting either. He just let Atsushi smile and laugh until he tired himself out. And that is exactly what he did and only then did he finally set Akutagawa down and took a moment to almost drunkenly walk back to the railing. He was unable to shake his smile, even in the pouring rain.
But Akutagawa still did not smile.
He threw his head back, his body following behind, rocking on his heels and holding on to the rail like he had to wrestle the next few words from the bottom of his stomach. "I.... I'm sorry."
" Hey." Atsushi giggled, bumping his elbow to Akutagawa's. " I was just as shitty to you okay? Don't worry about it. I'm just glad to be by your side now."
" I'm just- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for everything." he shrugged, looking down at the ground with deadly seriousness.
" Hmmmm." Atsushi hummed. He too stared down at the ground watching the rain pitter patter and splish splash all over the ground. But he quickly grew bored of this scene and his eyes began to wander about. First to the trees, then the city skyline, the clouds, and back down to the man beside him. His hair tousled by the wind, his eyes sunken, his features sharp and skin pale as a ghost.
" You wanna get taiyaki?"
" What?" Akutagawa flipped around, suddenly very enthusiastic. Or his version of enthusiasm which was essentially just wide eyed curiosity. Emphasis on wide eye. He still kept his steady monotone demeanor but Atsushi's senses were sharper than the walls Akutagawa hid his emotions behind.
After the angels of decay the two were sent on a number of missions together. They traveled all around Yokohama and even to Sapporo once. Throughout their travels Atsushi had made a point to learn more about his partner. In truth they knew essentially nothing about each other. One of his favorite observations was that Ryuunosuke Akutagawa loves sweets. He would absolutely never admit it but he adds extra sugar to his sweet tea, the amount of sweets he gets from his sister, and even the way he never turns a sweet down unlike most other food. He was also a picky eater but that's just something that personally annoyed Atsushi. Regardless he knew the cake offer would, if nothing else, get his attention.
Atsushi asked again, " Do you?"
Obediently, he nodded.
" Kyouka! Do you want to come get taiyaki with us?"
" Yes." she mumbled standing up from her drawing and running out of sight.
Atsushi smiled at Akutagawa but he quickly turned away with a frown. That's weird, Atsushi thought to himself, I thought they were getting along...I thought we were getting along.
After a few moments Kyouka emerged wearing a bright yellow raincoat and yellow rubber boots. The other women in the office often doted on her, giving her gifts and cute outfits from thrift stores. This was one of those outfits. Atsushi quickly picked up an old umbrella from inside the door and turned to Akutagawa once more who was seemingly not over whatever made him turn the first time. When he looked at him this time Atsushi's smile was just as bright as always.
" Sorry. I only have one umbrella... We'll have to share. Or you can just take it if you want, I don't mind." He offered, holding the umbrella out for Akutagawa to take.
"That won't be necessary." He declined, pushing the umbrella back towards Atsushi. His rough demeanor and rigid speech returned with his frown.
Atsushi nodded and off they went, it was the late evening and the rain blanketed them in waves. Originally it had been his plan to tilt the umbrella slightly to Akutagawa but every time he tried, Akutagawa would get mad and make him push it back to the middle. He could tell the rain was hitting Akutagawa, and something about that didn't sit right. So finally in one last attempt to combat this problem he switched the umbrella to his off hand and pulled Akutagawa close. This way they would both be underneath the umbrella! Surely he couldn't object then! He thought.
"Is this okay?" Atsushi asked. He could hear Akutagawa's heartbeat when he was this close. It was racing.
" It's fine." his heart was pounding now.
" whatever you say." he seemed to be telling the truth but his heart was completely nonsensical. Was there something he was hiding? Even from him? Akutagawa knew so much about Atsushi, even about his hallucinations, did he really not feel like Atsushi could be trusted? Still?! Atsushi wanted him to feel like he could trust him with anything. What more could he do to show him he was a friend?
With kyouka splashing around ahead, Atsushi walked slowly with Akutagawa at his side. The torrential rain that plagued Japan poured down on their umbrella like it always did.
" Do you like the rain, Ryuunosuke?" Atsushi asked, trying to strike up some idle chit chat. Also taking note to use his first name, testing the waters of what Akutagawa would and would not allow. Seemingly, his first name was not something he would get punched for using .... Yet.
" I used to hate it, it always got on my nerves, it just seemed to be around every corner waiting to walk all over my last shred of sanity! But recently..." Atsushi stared at him with wide sunset colored eyes shining with the highlight of the kitchen light above. "I've come to miss it when it's gone." Akutagawa said slowly, reaching his pinky out to Atsushi's free hand.
Atsushi nodded along as what he was saying, increasingly more confused and wondering if he had misheard the question. To such an end he was completely oblivious of Akutagawa's hands moving to his own until they collided. It sent a vicious chill up his spine and he wondered for a minute only before responding, " Oh, are your hands cold? Here I have pockets!" Atsushi chirped, scooping up Akutagawa's entire hand in his own and shoving them both into his sweater pocket. "Haha! Your hand is super cold dude!"
"God, you're stupid."
" What? Hey!" Atsushi blurted with a smile kicking the back Akutagawa's legs. Akutagawa quickly did the same back to Atsushi. Of course Atsushi kicked him back which unsurprisingly earned him another kick. Soon they were play fighting down the street like children. Still hand in hand as they pushed and shoved and kicked and giggled and smiled. Although the latter two options were mostly Atsushi, Akutagawa did smile more than Atsushi had ever seen (without feeling like he was about to be made into tiger meat kebabs.) And it was true, Akutagawa was having a wonderful time although he thought it may kill him to admit: it had been a long time since he smiled from joy, or perhaps, he never before had. He wondered how Atsushi could smile so much without his cheeks soon starting to hurt. He wondered if this soreness would go away if maybe he could just watch how Atsushi did it.
It was only when they came across a small stall on the side of the street did they stop their scramble. Atsushi had only eaten here once on a whim from Kyouka, but he figured it was sweet enough for Akutagawa to enjoy it. Atsushi ordered two custard filled for Kyouka and Akutagawa and one red bean paste for himself. When the vendor handed all three to Atsushi he distributed them with warnings of how hot they were and a few extra carefuls for Kyouka who seemed too eager to listen to reason.
She really had become more childlike, it was a refreshing sight in their line of work.
When he looked over Akutagawa was taking his first bite. Atsushi must have been staring a little too intently as Akutagawa scrunched up his nose and frowned.
" Wha?" he scowled with a bit of fish cake in his mouth.
" Oh sorry! It's nothing I didn't mean to stare. I'm just excited to see your reaction." This extra long response was a cover for the fact Atsushi's first thought was 'You're cute.'
If anything was true it was that Akutagawa Ryuunosuke was the furthest thing from 'cute.' He was many things, he was gruff, he was strong, he was stubborn, one may even say he was tolerable in the best conditions. Thus only an idiot would call the man with no eyebrows and a haircut that looks like someone cut his hair blindfolded would call him cute. A blind, empty-headed, idiot.
But then again... His big black eyes and long lashes that seemed to reflect every bit of light that hit them began to draw Atsushi in like a black hole. And when he finally did take the first bite of that scalding hot taiyaki without Atsushi's interruption he did what anyone would and frantically tried to cool off the piece of molten custard in his mouth. It was quite an amusing sight to say the least. Atsushi couldn't keep himself from laughing so hard he doubled over barely holding on to his own sweet treat. Quickly Akutagawa recovered and continued eating the treat with the gusto of a starving child. He chatted with Akutagawa for a long time, as they sat under a nearby awning and ate their respective treats watching Kyouka play in a nearby park area.
Whenever they got the chance to talk words just seemed to fall out. Every thought and every story was completely understood. Things that would be foreign to anyone else was like home. Atsushi wondered for a long time if he would ever find someone that would understand what he had been through. Akutagawa took his sick words and nursed them back to health with every nod and question, it was somber understanding.
" Hey, do you wanna try mine?" Atsushi started getting off topic from his story that was already 2 stories off the original conversation, "I already bit off it, but if you don't care-" Before Atsushi could even finish speaking Akutagawa had already swiftly taken a bite. He chewed for a moment before reporting back with
"Mine's better. " and thrust his own fried custard treat in Atsushi's direction. However
The taiyaki was nothing but napkins. In his haste Akutagass had eaten the whole thing.
" Ah. My apologies."
"No no don't worry I'm just glad you liked it. This should be a celebration for you. I'm just happy you're getting better!" Atsushi grinned, elbowing Akutagawa once again.
" Here you can have the rest of mine too. I'm full from dinner anyways." Akutagawa glared daggers at him, his face growing dark and cold, but regardless he eagerly started eating away. Atsushi laughed a hearty chuckle that shook his whole body at the sight. In his laughter he accidentally sent the taiyaki straight up crashing into Akutagawa's face. When he pulled away there was a big splotch of red bean paste on the tip of his nose. He looked almost dumbfounded. His expression going from filled with anger to practically blank sent Atsushi into another laughing fit and almost to the floor.
" What's funny?" Kyouka said rejoining the two after hearing the ruckus he was making.
"Stupidity."
" Ah. Akutagawa, you have red stuff on your nose. You kind of look like Rudolph..." Kyouka trailed off with a similar blank expression to Akutagawa, this comment sent Atsushi even further into his laughter. Akutagawa seemed completely unaware of what could possibly be making Atsushi laugh to the point of crying, obviously rejecting the idea it was himself. As such Atsushi laughed himself all the way home, Akutagawa now holding the umbrella trying to keep it centered over their bodies and Atsushi dry.
" Sorry, sorry. You know what I mean, right? " Atsushi asked, stepping through the front door and wrestling his shoes off.
" I honestly don't know what you're talking about. " Akutagawa grumbled close behind, collapsing the umbrella as Kyouka ran past him. They seemed like a family, already falling into a routine. Everything was new, yet comfortable. Akutagawa had fallen into tracing the missing varnish on spots of the floors with his eyes. While Atushsi kept his gaze on the spiderwebs that plagued his rafters.
"Yeah." Atsushi paused absentmindedly, "Okay! You tired now? Should I put out a futon for you?" Putting out three cushions for them to sit on the floors as he spoke.
" Do you even HAVE extra futons? " Akutagawa jabbed sitting on the hardwood floors of their little cedar paved apartment. He sat across from the spot that was nearly rubbed away in its entirety.
Atsushi turned not to face Akutagawa as he spoke,"You can have mine. I can sleep without." he said as he went to enact his plan without hesitation, but before he could even take a full step he was pulled back by the collar of his shirt.
" Absolutely impossible."Akutagawa hissed into Atsushi's ear, creating a perfect mental image of his scowling face. It was a little funny to imagine him being so nasty when he's actually being polite. Atsushi wondered if perhaps Akutagawa was friendly, just in his own way that he had never understood.
Atsushi pulled away, turning on his heels once again, this time to face Akutagawa who seemed rather annoyed. " Well what would you suggest? I'm not letting you or Kyouka sleep on the floor." Atsushi retorted with all the bite of a glass of milk.
" We can share. Unless you have a problem sleeping with me?"
" Don't phrase it like that, man."
"Do you have a problem sleeping in the same bed as me?"
"Er...No, of course not." Atsushi shrugged, acting as nonchalant as possible to cover his horrible lie. He had a horrible problem sleeping next to Akutagawa! He couldn't really explain why, per say, but there was something about him that made him jittery. There was no way he could EVER relax around such a person.
And when it came time, they both laid down in that tiny closet. Back to back and facing the blank walls. With a pillow between them as a kind of wall, Atsushi could only shift uncomfortably, never truly being able to rest. Neither of them would get a good night's rest at this rate, Atsushi thought. Although there was a fair chance Akutagawa really didn't care and had already fallen asleep.
Atsushi, always the optimist, pushed the great wall of a single pillow away and he didn't know exactly what made him do this but some combination of sleep deprivation and boredom resulted in him poking a single finger at Akutagawa's exposed neck accompanied by a whisper so soft only he could hear it.
" Ryuu."
Akutagawa jolted at the very first touch as if Atsushi's hand was made of ice sickles. He flipped over immediately to grab Atsushi's poor icy hand with a deathly grip. Even in the pitch dark Atsushi could see Akutagawa's glare, his eyes wide with rage. Slowly, he examined every inch of Atsushi, right down to his apologetic smile of guilt. They stayed like this, locked in each other's gaze with Akutagawa having the tightest grip ever felt on Atsushi's wrist.
But strangely Akutagawa said nothing, he simply slumped down back to his pillow. Atsushi also noted he did not yet release his arm from his grasp. They laid like this for several minutes, over the course of which Akutagawa's grip went from a crocodile's jaws to barely a gust of wind blowing through the trees. After a few more minutes, Atsushi decided to attempt to pull his hand away, surely Akutagawa would be furious if he woke up in such a position. Atsushi had merely wanted a bit of a chat, not to be taken captive!
So, he just barely twitched his hand. He made only the slightest movements he possibly could. But Akutagawa, never willing to do what Atsushi wanted, jerked his hand even closer. This time securely placing Atsushi's palm under his sunken cheek. The flutter of his eyelashes leaving butterfly kisses on his thumb. He could just barely feel the twitch of the side of his mouth.
Atsushi finally gave in. Whatever Akutagawa was doing, he was done fighting it. Atsushi moved, giving his hand to this vicious wolf and making himself comfortable. He pulled himself along and plopped down as close as he could to the beasts jaws. With his hand now trapped he found no other option than to just hope the monster would give up hunger in the night. But he never did what Atsushi wanted. But what could Atsushi do? All he could do was sleep and pray.
And so sleep Atsushi did, he slept through every bump in the night that would normally send a jolt down his spine and leave him wide awake for hours. For tonight, he could focus only on Akutagawa's heartbeat. The steady thump. Thump. Thumping of his heart like the crashing of waves into the shore. Thump. Thump. Thump. Atsushi's sensitive ears finally found peace in a sea of noise. The rhythm, the symphony of their hearts beating in time.
Atsushi slept like a toddler after a full day of playing with all his might. He never got to be so spontaneous. Akutagawa had brought all the joy Atsushi would have in a year, in just one day. He wondered if every day could be like this. Not in an adventurous way but in happiness. Just Akutagawa being there in his apartment in his clothes made Atsushi smile ear to ear.
He wondered if Akutagawa would consider staying. Even for just another day... Or maybe just for lunch. Or if he wanted..... No, that's too much to ask. But at the very least Akutagawa would be there for breakfast right? Atsushi would make rice, he would prepare a table of toppings for them, they would eat together like one big family just as they had yesterday. Only a few words would be exchanged but to Atsushi anything was a blessing. Thinking this as he drifted into sleep, Atsushi dreamed of a bountiful breakfast with Akutagawa. He dreamed he would be stay, he dreamed he would be with them for far longer than just breakfast.
But when he awoke the next morning, Akutagawa was gone...
Only Atsushi's clothes were left, folded neatly as if never touched. For a moment Atsushi was sickened at the sight of his favorite cream sweater. His nose being unable to differentiate between his own smell and Akutagawa's. It was something he both relished and despised. He wanted nothing more than to sleep through the day hugging those neatly folded clothes.
That was a lie, he wanted so much more than that. He wanted Akutagawa lying in his arms. He wanted to drown in his smell. He wanted to hear his heartbeat. He wanted Akutagawa to just be THERE!
But he wasn't. He was gone. And Atsushi had to get up. He needed to eat. He had to work. Akutagawa was the same... I'm so stupid Atsushi thought, I can't believe I could ever want that asshole around.
After a few more minutes of self pity Atsushi finally dragged himself out of bed. He slugged to the kitchen, cursing Akutagawa with every step. The umbrella from yesterday is already dry. He glanced at Kyouka, still asleep in the early morning. And finally he painstakingly hauled the fridge door open with one last insult to Akutagawa.
Inside was a piece of cake, with a note attached reading "my favorite -Ryuu"
In an instant Atsushi's heart completely melted. He took back every bad word he had said and took the cake with open arms.
He had never eaten cake for breakfast, he had never even had the thought. But on this soggy morning Atsushi ate a far too sugary, far too chocolatey, far too sad piece of Ryuunosuke's favorite cake.
He hoped next time he would be there to eat it with him.