Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Fidgeting and adjusting his watch, Neal was trying to buy himself some time, but he knew that there was only so much he could do until Leanne found out. He’d spent weeks trying to find a way around his situation, but it was no use. He’d felt obligated, and once he’d decided, he knew everything was going to be different. He wasn’t sure she’d forgive him, but...telling her, that would make it real. He was down to three weeks, and he felt like every second he stood still was a moment he was wasting. He didn’t want to regret anything, and when he saw her enter the locker room, his fear of the unknown outweighed his pride.

“Hey,” she said, smiling as she walked past him, going to her locker to grab her things. They both had the night off, and Neal couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth.

“What are you doing tonight?” He asked hesitantly, trying to look less nervous, but the surprised look that came across her face was enough to make his stomach drop. He knew it was a possibility she didn’t feel the same way, but not knowing had been less painful-

“Uh, spending it with you?” She replied questioningly, her eyes alight with amusement as she watched him open and close his mouth, no words coming out as she laughed. She’d never seen him so jittery, and it was funny.

“Yeah. I thought maybe we could...just spend some time together,” he finally got out, his words heavy with emotion as he watched her nod. He knew this was the wrong thing to do, to keep her in the dark, but it was all he could do. He didn’t want to lose her, and he knew that coming clean would make that happen. So he invited her to dinner, and he was determined to make the most of their limited time together.

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They were sitting in a little Mexican restaurant, having had a couple shots of tequila each as they filled themselves with tacos and chips, and Neal had never been more content. He needed the alcohol; knowing that at any second, he’d stare at her for a second too long and just blurt everything out. He'd watch the way she reaches up to move her bangs out of her face absently, and he'd tell her he never wanted this moment to end. He'd tell her she was important to him, and that while he never wanted to move, every second was killing him. Her smile was genuine and relaxed, and he felt terrible, knowing he’d be the reason it didn’t appear for a while.

“What’s wrong?” She asked softly, giving him a knowing look as she played with her empty shot glass. They were far from drunk, just pleasantly relaxed, and she could see the anxiety written all over his face. They’d known each other a decade; she remembered teaching him when every day he wore that same almost terrified look for a few seconds. He was always able to pull himself together, but he was letting her see his struggle, and it worried her.

“You…” He started, and she arched an eyebrow, wondering what his anxiety and nervousness had to do with her, “you’re magnificent, and I should have told you sooner”

Leanne was taken aback by the feelings he conveyed in those few words, biting her lip as she held eye contact with him. She didn't think he’d ever say anything; she knew he had feelings for her, but she thought that when the residents had arrived, Christa was someone he’d been interested in. It had taken her almost two years to realize she was already half in love with the man, and she was too afraid to tell him, in case he'd changed his mind. She figured maybes and what-ifs were better than being told that they're feelings had just missed each other. He had been an important part of her life for so long, that she didn’t know how she would have moved on if he'd said he didn’t feel the same about her anymore. That they just took too long.

“Is that what has you so nervous?” She pried, and the half smile she received was almost enough to convince her that that was the case. He swallowed the words that threatened to spew out, hoping she didn’t ask him again.

“Can we just enjoy tonight?” He pleaded, his eyes begging her to let it go, “I just thought it was time…”

“I think it’s been a long time coming, don’t you?”

He dropped his eyes briefly, hoping to god she didn’t see him flinch when she said that. He always thought they had plenty of time, but he was dooming them from the start. He reached across the table, placing his hand on top of hers as he looked back up. She looked confused by his behavior, but flipped her hand over so their hands rested palm to palm. He ran his index finger over the thin skin of her wrist, and he felt her pulse speed up in time to match his.

“I think...I want to see where this goes. Can we do that?” Leanne ran her thumb against the skin of his hand, hoping he knew that she was right there with him; scared, but willing to try.

“I’d like that,” she admitted, and Neal smiled, counting the seconds until she stopped looking at him like. He knew it was coming, but he was determined to do what he’d been too afraid to do before. He’s loved her for years, and now he finally knew she felt the same way, and it was killing him.

“You want to go for a walk? I really don’t want to say goodbye to you yet,” he says lowly, his throat closing at the words and the delighted look that her face shows. He’s going to hurt her; she doesn’t know it yet, but he does, and it makes him sick to his stomach.

“Sure”

They gather their things, Neal already dropping money on the table as they pull their coats on and head for the door. He opens it for Leanne and she smiles as she steps through ahead of him, turning and waiting for him as he lets an elderly couple into the restaurant before catching up to her. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his coat, and Leanne decides to slip her arm through his, holding his wrist as she brings her body in closer to him. Neal just smiling as he leans into her, slowing his stride as they walk, not having a destination, but just enjoying being together. For now.

Chapter Text

Neal was getting antsy, knowing he only had three days left as he got ready for his date with Leanne. It had been a wonderful almost three weeks since they decided to give things between them a try, and this was the sixth meal they were having. They’d done mostly dinner with one breakfast after a late shift, and they spent that afternoon being tourists in LA. He hadn’t seen Leanne as carefree as he had that day, and he’d snapped a few pictures of her with his phone when she wasn’t looking. He had a favorite though, one when they were sitting on the beach just before sunset. The colors of the sky were bouncing off the water and bathing her in a pink-lavender hue, her hair blowing behind her as she told him a story...that he couldn't remember for the life of him. He was just mesmerized by her strength and natural beauty, that when she caught him staring, he leaned over, grasping her neck as he pulled her into an intense kiss. It was their first, and he couldn’t have asked for a more perfect moment. He remembers the way she inhaled sharply, before leaning into him, cupping his cheek as she kissed him back. He didn’t remember how long he spent kissing her, but by the time they pulled apart, the sky was gray, getting darker by the minute as they sat there just holding one another close.

He was trying to forget the uneasiness in his stomach as he put the finishing touches on dinner, deciding to have her over and finally break the news to her. He didn't know if he was ready, but he knew that he should have done it over two weeks ago. She didn’t deserve him waiting until the last minute, but he realized he was in love with her. It had taken a long time, and had kept him from seriously pursuing other relationships, but he knew she was worth it. She was his match in every way that mattered, and that was what made this so hard. He knew if the roles were reversed, and she felt as strongly for him as he did her, she’d put it off too, or so he kept telling himself. He heard the soft knock on his door and took a deep breath, smoothing out his sweater as he made his way to the door. He opened it, and saw her on the other side, in a pair of dark wash jeans and a lower cut shirt than he was used to with her leather jacket. Her hair was curled softly, and he didn't hesitate to reach out and wind a curl around his finger.

“Hi,” he whispered, his voice in awe as he watched a smile stretch across her lips. She’d wanted that reaction from him, and if how dangerously close his hand was to her cleavage was anything to go by, he was definitely pleased.

“Hey,” she said just as quietly, feeling his hand move from her hair to her neck, pushing it away from her shoulder as he pulled her in for a light kiss.

“Suddenly I’m not so hungry,” he confessed, his lips bumping hers as he murmurs the words. He hadn’t meant to say that aloud, but his body was hot and he was feeling too many things to even try to censor himself. He looked down and saw the way her eyes were shut, and he mentally berated himself for being such an ass.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” he said, and he watched as her eyes fluttered open, looking at him steadily as she took a breath. He could feel it against his face, and he was thankful that she hadn’t pulled away yet.

“Did you mean it...” She questioned, and her lips slid against his, and he would do anything to make sure she kept looking at him like she was. He wasn’t sure if she was asking about his appetite for food...so he chose to be completely honest. He was running out of time, and he really didn’t have much to lose, except for her.

“I’ll always mean it,” he answered, and he hated the way he let her kiss him heatedly, pulling her helplessly against him as he shut the door behind them. He leaned her back against the door, his hands going from her waist to her collarbones as he hesitantly placed his hands on her shoulders. She let go of him to shrug out of her jacket, letting it fall to the floor before bringing her hands back up to his face. Neal brought his hands away from her arms to go around her, slipping his hands in her back pockets as he pulled her up against him as he kissed her almost desperately. Her arms wound around his neck, pushing her up on her toes as she welcomed his tongue into her mouth with a low moan. The sound hit him low in his stomach, and he stroked her tongue with his, trying to see what other sounds he could get her to make.

Leanne took a hand from around his neck to run her nails teasingly down the side of his neck, feeling the goosebumps rise on his skin as they came up for air. While she took a few breaths, Neal brought a hand up to cup her head, tilting it against the door as he seductively kissed and nipped at her flushed skin. She hummed deeply, biting her swollen bottom lip as she clutched his sides. He was kissing the skin under her ear, before gently taking it between his teeth and sucking on it. Her nails dug into his sweater before she ran her hands under it, seeking his skin as he sucked on a particularly sensitive spot between her neck and shoulder.

“Jesus Neal,” she moaned in his ear, and she felt him smile into her skin as he reached down to unbutton her blouse. He looked over at her for permission, and she nodded as his hands worked slowly. It seemed like he was savoring every inch of skin revealed, stopping after each button to place a kiss between her breasts, on her stomach a few times until he finally let the fabric hang open as he just stared at her.

“You’re gorgeous,” he says huskily, and now he knows just how far a blush spreads on her fair skin. Leanne pulls her hands from under his sweater to hook her thumbs in the belt loops on his jeans, pulling him in against her and making him wish he were only partially dressed too. She deliberately slid her right hand up and under his sweater, resting her palm against his abs as his hands came up to rest on the door beside her head.

“Are you sure…” He hesitated, knowing this was going to complicate things even further. Leanne just leaned forward and kissed him tenderly, dragging her nails down his skin as she rested her fingers on his belt buckle. He drew in a deep breath, trying to control himself as she started to unbuckle it.

“Neal, stop talking,” she said into his mouth, and he put his arms around her hips, pulling her body backwards as he walked them towards his bedroom, their clothes leaving a trail as they carelessly took them off.

_____

As they laid in bed a while later, a thin sheet thrown over their bodies as they faced one another, Neal ran a finger over her collarbone reverently. There was a deep red, almost purple bruise forming from where he worried the skin with his teeth, and it was one of three he knew he caused. Running a nail over this one gently, and hearing a quick hiss from Leanne was satisfying.

“Don’t look so smug,” she mumbled, one arm holding her head up as the other came up to push at his shoulder. He caught her hand and pulled her in, kissing her slowly as she melted against him. Their skin was still warm, and he ran a finger over the back of her right shoulder, now being privy to the fact that she had a tattoo. She bit his lip a touch too hard, and he dropped his hand to her lower back, quickly becoming familiar with her nonverbal communication in bed. They pulled back reluctantly, but Neal rolled onto his back, bringing Leanne with him to lay on his chest. She rested her left leg between his as she leaned against his body, feeling both his hands run up and down her back soothingly.

“I know you have to work tomorrow,” he mumbled, and she shrugged, leaning to rest her chin on his chest as she spoke.

“Not until 11. Are you trying to get rid of me?” She wondered teasingly, and let out a surprised yelp that turned into a laugh as he flipped them over, hovering above her as he placed his arms on either side of her head on his pillow. She raised an eyebrow at him, impressed with his strength as he lowered himself down, resting some of his weight on her as he kissed her again. It felt different, but she couldn’t put her finger on it as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, keeping him close when he separated their lips.

“Never. In fact, we’re wasting time talking,” he said before kissing her fiercely, making sure she could feel his emotions and intent with every kiss, every touch of his hands. He knew this was his last chance, and he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. He loved her, and while he wasn’t ready to tell her, he wanted her to feel it.

Chapter Text

It was two days later that Leanne found out just what Neal was hiding, and it took the entire car ride to even be able to form coherent, non-threatening thoughts. She’d had Jesse giving her sympathetic looks all shift, and when she finally got fed up, all he said was that he was sorry about Neal’s leaving, and that he knew Leanne was going to miss him. She was surprised by how calm she’d been hearing the news, but her anger slowly rose the longer she thought about it. Jesse had said he was supposed to take Neal to the airport, but he decided last minute to take a taxi, and Leanne got the flight information before clocking out. She knew he’d have to be early for such a long flight, and her anger was fighting with how hurt she felt that he hadn’t even bothered to say goodbye, to say anything to her really. She parked in the long term parking, not even really caring as she got to his gate, arms crossed as she waited for him to arrive. She felt crazy for showing up, not even sure about what she wanted to say to him. She wanted to lash out at him for doing this to her, but when his taxi pulled up ten minutes later, she just froze. He didn't realize she was standing there until he was picking up his luggage from the curb and making his way towards the doors.

“Leanne…” He said lowly, dropping his head as he stops a few feet in front of her. She hated that her first instinct was to pull him into her, and she crossed her arms defensively as she felt tears start to build.

“Were you even going to say goodbye?” She asks carefully, her voice letting him know that she was hurt beyond belief. She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth as she waited for an answer, and Neal dropped his bag to cross his arms as well. He knew this was going to be hard, but he kept telling himself he was doing the right thing...but looking at Leanne, it felt anything but right.

“My father had a heart attack, and he needs to lighten his workload in order to appease my mother and her fear of losing him. I’m the only one he trusts to take over for him…”

“That’s not what I asked,” she said harshly, her eyes glassy, nose red as she tried to control her emotions. It was all starting to fall together; his spontaneous dinner invitation, finally telling her how he felt. He knew, he knew for weeks, and he was stringing her along.

“You said goodbye to everyone else; Jesse said you gave him some stupid plant you didn’t want to throw away, and after everything we’ve been through-” she abruptly cut herself off, sucking in a deep breath to avoid the wobbling of her voice she knew happened when she cried.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen-”

“This?!?” She asked sharply, her tone dangerous as Neal shut his eyes for a second. This was worse than he imagined, and he had no one to blame but himself.

“You didn’t mean to...what Neal? You didn’t mean to avoid saying goodbye? You didn’t mean to get involved? Oh my god,” she said, looking at him with a distrustful look as he bit his lip, his throat bobbing with hurt and anger at just how much pain he was causing her.

“That was why you asked if I was sure...you knew you were leaving, and you chose to sleep with me anyway,” she accused him, and his stomach dropped at her words. He didn’t know what to say to make it all better; there wasn't anything he could say, and when a few tears made their way down her cheeks, he knew their relationship was irrevocably changed.

“I couldn’t help it, I wanted you,” he said, his voice cracking as he reached a hand out to her, only to have her take a quick step away from him. That wounded him, and he regretfully pulled his hand back towards his body and into his pants pocket, “I...I was being selfish, and it was unfair to you”

“Unfair,” she scoffed, wiping her eyes as she let out a humourless laugh, “Unfair would have been leaving without saying goodbye. This was cruel,” she answered, and he nodded, his eyes starting to fill with tears at how crushed she was. She trusted him, and he had abused it, and now he didn’t know what they were going to do. If they could do anything.

“I knew...that if I told you sooner, you’d have gotten me to stay,” he said, and she snorted derisively.

“I wouldn’t have asked that of you-”

“You wouldn’t have had to. I would have dropped everything and stayed...to see if what we have-”

“Had,” she remarks, and Neal doesn't have the heart to process that right now. He was hoping she didn’t mean it, but he knew better than to try to ask her right now.

“If what we have is for the long haul. I just wanted a chance,” he almost begs, and Leanne looks up at him, her eyes red rimmed as she looked over his face.

“Was it worth it?” She wondered, and his heart thudded in his chest at the defeated tone. She wasn’t a woman to give up, but he’d done something he couldn’t ever take back.

“Despite all of the suffering on both our parts, yeah,” she blew out a breath at his words, and he let some of his anger out, so at least she knew it wasn’t just her.

“Do you think this was easy for me?” He cried in outrage, and it was the first time he’d seen her look really angry with him, “Do you think knowing I was leaving, counting the minutes until I had to tell you was easy for me? I spent almost three weeks trying to tell you, and I couldn’t,” he said, his body sagging as all of the fight left him. She watched him wearily, and he spread his hands out, as if he was surrendering.

“I knew I couldn’t say goodbye to you Leanne. I knew you were the only person I couldn’t leave behind, and I just thought...if I didn’t say goodbye, that maybe I’d get home in one piece. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you,” he revealed, lashes wet with tears as he bared himself in front of her.

“I hate you,” she breathed out, looking up at him while wiping away a few tears. He stepped in closer to her, and when she didn’t move away, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her body into him as a few tears made their way down his face and into her hair. She clung to him, but there was a distance there that he despised.

“I hate me too,” he said, and they held onto each other for dear life. Neal was regretting every second he wasted not telling her about moving back home; if he had, maybe they would have found a way to work this out...but now, he knew she didn’t want anything to do with him. Leanne released her hands from his jacket and started to gently push him away from her as he resisted, holding her close for a second longer before letting her go.

“I’ll call you when I land”

“Don’t bother,” she said faintly, and Neal nodded, picking up his bags as she walked away from him. He turned and watched her, and was disappointed when she didn’t even turn around once.