Chapter Text
Lily Evans drained her glass of rosé, and sighed. “I’m exhausted, I think I’m tapping out for an early night,” she said to her laptop screen, where her two best friends Mary and Marlene sat framed in little boxes on the video call.
Mary sighed and picked up a bottle out of frame to top up her own glass. “Ever since you’ve left us you’ve become an old woman.”
“Well, it’s not like there’s anything else for me to do at ten PM on a Monday night in a new city,” Lily said dully.
Getting the cancer research job of her dreams in London had been a big deal, especially since she was fresh out of grad school, but in the past few months, she’d settled into a rather repetitive routine.
“That’s because you spend your evenings in the library reading Lily,” Mary said. “You should be using that time to get out of the house and do some socializing!”
“It’s not that easy!” Lily protested. “How do you make new friends when you’re already an adult? Honestly, you two should have just moved down here with me. Plus, there is nothing wrong with spending my time in the library! You know that it’s very important to support your local library!”
As much as her friends were concerned about her increasingly hermit-esque lifestyle, Lily didn’t mind it. Her life had a structure, and although sometimes she had moments where she wondered if something was missing, the surety of her routine was enough for now. During the day she could immerse herself in her job which she loved, in the evenings she indulged in letting her mind explore fantasy worlds. Over the weekends, Lily explored; wandering streets, parks, and little shops all by herself.
“Go to the club,” Mary said. “You’ll meet people, and then you can finally get laid”
Lily sighed. “The club is only fun when I’m out with you two, I can’t just go alone.”
Mary tilted her head and suddenly grinned. “Hey, you should hit up James from Hogwarts! I think he and his mates are living in London.”
Marlene wiggled her eyebrows. “You know that he still asks after you whenever we see each other, right? You two had so much chemistry, I can’t believe you never dated him, who knows, you could rekindle something now.”
Lily shook her head in disbelief. “We never dated because he was a right prat! You think I’m going to text him and be like, ‘Hey remember me from eight years ago, I have no friends please talk to me?’”
“You were so into him in our last year!” Mary protested. “He might have been a bit of a prat before, but he totally matured later on. I’m sure he’s way better now. Anyway, you would text him something sexy like, ‘Hey James, I’m the one that got away, wanna have some hot sex? I haven’t had anything but a vibrator touch my body in a long, long time.’”
“Oh my god Mary,” Lily said with a scandalized gasp. “Shut up, I can’t help it that grad school consumed my entire life. My trusty vibrator and I have a very healthy relationship and I don’t need James Potter of all people getting in the middle of that.”
“I mean, you really could do with a good lay,” said Marlene, with all the confidence of someone who was getting laid quite regularly in their committed relationship.
Lily dropped her head into her hands and groaned. “Leave me alone you evil wenches, I’m going to bed. And tomorrow I will be waking up bright and early so that I can thoroughly enjoy my library time in the evening!”
Mary and Marlene shouted their hearty goodbyes before Lily closed her laptop.
The next morning, Lily was horrified to wake up to five texts from an unknown number.
From: Unknown Number, To: You
Unknown Number [5:12 AM] Hey Lily! This is James Potter, from Hogwarts. Marlene texted me last night to let me know that you just moved to London! I’d love to catch up and grab some drinks if you’re interested. The boys and I share a flat in Notting Hill, you remember Sirius, Remus, and Peter? We’d be happy to take you out some time and show you around.
Unknown Number [5:15 AM] Oh shit I hope I didn’t wake you up I didn’t mean to text so early in the morning.
Unknown Number [5:16 AM] If I did I’m so sorry, I just usually wake up early to go on a run
Unknown Number [5:16 AM] Wait I realize that it sounds like I’m trying to brag about going on runs which I’m not
Unknown Number [5:17 AM] As you know, I am very humble and not at all arrogant, I swear I am a changed man
“the witches (bubble bubble toil and trouble bitches!)”
You [6:02 AM] Marlene WTF
You [6:02 AM] Pls explain to me why I woke up to five increasingly awkward text messages from James Potter. We have SUCH a weird history oh my godddd he wants to get drinks what do I even say?
You [6:05 AM] and don’t even TRY to feign innocence Mary Macdonald I KNOW you’re involved somehow you traitor
From: Dorcas, To: You
You [6:06 AM] D orcas, my beloved
You [6:07 AM] If you could do me the greatest honor of waking your girlfriend with a hearty kick I will forever be in debt to you <3
Dorcas [6:10 AM] Done <3
You [6:11 AM] <3
“the witches (bubble bubble toil and trouble bitches!)”
marlene [6:12 AM] LILY EVANS how dare you weaponize my own girlfriend against me, i was doing you a favor, you were never going to text him otherwise
You [6:15 AM] the last time I saw him I slapped him and told him to never speak to me again and he literally has no context for why I did it he should actually hate me
marlene [6:16 AM] well… I know he didn’t have specific context but everyone knew that you were having a rough go of it in our last year
You [6:20 AM] wow, good to know that EVERYONE knew
marlene [6:22 AM] i’m sorry lils, that’s not how i meant it, but i really mean it when I say i think it would do you some good to get out and socialize
You [6:23 AM] FINE, I still can’t believe you did that though
From: James, To: You
You [6:05 AM] Hi James. Nice to hear from you after so many years. I hope you and the boys are doing well. You’re lucky my phone’s on do not disturb at night, but since it is, no harm no foul. I wouldn't mind getting drinks one of the days, I work near notting hill, so somewhere around there one of the evenings might be convenient.
You [6:32 AM] And thanks for offering to meet up. I know you really didn’t have to, especially how I treated you the last time we saw each other. Which by the way, I’m really sorry for that, I know it isn’t a good excuse but I really wasn’t in my right mind at that time.
James [6:35 AM] No you really don’t have to apologize. I didn't really develop a brain to mouth filter until I graduated uni, so I'm sure I said something stupid to deserve it. It’s not your fault at all.
James [6:38 AM] We’re helping Pete move out this weekend so what about friday next week, maybe at 7? Feel free to text me in the meantime though, I’m happy to gift you with all the local knowledge you might need!
You [6:40 AM] I'm glad that you eventually did develop a filter, although you're going to have to try hard to convince me that the filter isn't just Remus.
You [6:40 AM] And yeah, Friday next week sounds good. Thanks for reaching out.
Lily had a perfectly normal day, if you didn’t account for the fact that James Potter was plaguing her mind even more incessantly than he had while they were both in Hogwarts.
She’d stomped around the lab all day in a right tiff, feeling irritated with him for being so nice to her, fending off well intentioned questions from her coworkers. On the tube home, she stewed, rereading their texts, searching for any kind of subtext from James which would allow her to hate him. Only once she was sitting in the library, preparing to tune out the school children chattering around her and dive into a new romance novel, did Lily begin to feel the guilt set in.
She dropped her book onto her lap and groaned, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples. Lily had successfully avoided thinking about her final year at Hogwarts for the past eight years, but apparently a few texts from James Potter were all she needed to reel her back into what was possibly the worst time of her life.
A small voice near her said, “Miss, are you okay?”
“What? Oh yes, I’m fine,” she said, somewhat sharply, opening her eyes, and immediately feeling her heart drop.
Maybe she was seeing things. Was it possible that James could be giving her hallucinations from across London?
On the chair next to hers sat a little boy in a shabby, overlarge school uniform, identifying him as a student at the local primary school. His hair was dark and shaggy, a terrible mess, and he wore crooked wireframe glasses.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He frowned at her, an expression uncannily similar to a look that she was sure James had given to her before.
She wanted to start laughing. Her mind had immediately darted to the worst case scenario, but she couldn’t let herself dwell on it. The chances were incredibly slim. Perhaps James had a younger cousin. It was possible that this was just a coincidence, seeing a boy who could be around eight years old, who looked identical to James Potter.
Lily processed that the boy had asked her a question, and forced herself to answer.
“Oh please, you’re sweet, I’m completely fine,” she said, laughing a little breathily, and hoping that none of the hysteria she was feeling bled into her countenance.
The boy looked at her, puzzled, and she supposed it was her fault for staring at him like he was an alien.
“Ok,” he said, and redirected his attention to the book he was holding.
Lily looked away from him. The chatter of the school children turned to a low hum in her ears, and she could swear the entire world turned to liquid for a moment, as she attempted to steel herself to glance at the boy again.
He was incredibly small, and the way his bones jutted sharply from his thin wrists made her worry about his health. She tried to shake it off. James had been a scrawny boy when they first started at Hogwarts. He’d only filled out and shot up a few years in, when he joined the football team. Not like Lily, who had been a chubby child.
She supposed the boy took after James then. Of course, that was only if he was related to James at all. She chided herself internally, for wondering what the boy might look like if he took after her. After all, she was most likely not related to him at all.
“You wouldn’t by any chance be related to the Potters, would you?” Lily blurted out, hoping dearly that he would announce himself to be James Potter’s relative, so that she could have a laugh about this chance encounter with James and move on with her life without confronting any thoughts which she wanted to avoid. “I’m sorry for asking but you just look a lot like someone I know.”
The boy blinked at her behind his glasses, and she belatedly realized that they were a familiar shade of green.
“I don’t think so?” He said, face open and genuine, and any hope that she could move on from this fled out Lily’s body in a rush. “I don’t know anything about my birth parents, so I’m not sure, but that’s not my last name.”
“Oh,” she said, feeling a little choked up. “Well, alright. I’m sorry, I must have mistaken you for someone.”
Lily stood up abruptly and walked away as fast as she could, leaving her novel and a confused child behind in the library. She made a beeline to her flat, heart pounding in synchrony with her heavy footsteps on the pavement, feeling spooked and confused.
Lily paced the length of her tiny flat, trying to reason with herself. She was a smart, sensible adult woman. There was no reason for her to be behaving irrationally. Sure, she had never expected to see her biological child again after Petunia took him away, but she had always needed to be prepared for the chance. Besides, what was she going to do? There was nothing to do. She had seen him, and it was completely fine and normal, and she was completely fine and normal. Why did this have to happen the exact same day James Potter decided to text her?
Looking back, Lily wished she would have argued harder for an open adoption. But Petunia insisted that it would be best to leave this part of her life behind, and Lily had listened, because what else was she going to do? Petunia was already so busy taking care of their mother and arranging their father’s funeral, and Lily hated herself for putting even more on her older sister’s plate. All because of a stupid mistake.
A cold tendril of wind crawled through her cracked window and rattled her shutters, and Lily marched over to slam her window shut. It didn’t stop the cold guilt which wormed around in her stomach.
There were too many “what if’s,” Lily knew, enough that she could drown in them.
She wondered if his adopted family kept the name Harry.
Before Petunia had bundled her newborn infant in a blanket and promised that she had found a family which would take him, Lily had asked if Petunia might suggest the name Harry. It was stupid, but she’d remembered James' words from months ago, saying that he wanted to name one of his children Harry, after his grandfather.
That was all Lily had done. Signed some papers, requested a name, and allowed Petunia to handle everything else. And it was a closed adoption, so doing anything now would be a gross invasion of privacy, so she was sure that Harry’s lovely family wouldn’t want her intruding. Although she wondered back on his thin wrists and shabby clothes, and considered if maybe the family might need some financial help. Lily certainly wasn’t in a place where she had the time or money to be raising a child, and she knew she couldn’t have reached where she was if she’d had a kid, but surely now, offering some financial support wouldn’t trouble her too much.
Of course, Lily knew that she had no legal rights to Harry. Which was reasonable. And because she was reasonable, she was going to do nothing. There were endless invented futures where Harry found her when he was eighteen, searching for a relationship with his birth mother. That was how she was supposed to meet Harry. When she was older and wiser and more mature and stable. Not as a mess in her twenties.
Before she could fall into a deeper spiral, her phone buzzed.
“the witches (bubble bubble toil and trouble bitches!)”
Mary [8:45 PM] call in 15?
Marlene [8:46 PM] im there, dorcas has to skip again, work
Marlene [8:46 PM] yuck
Mary [8:47 PM] wow i can’t believe your girlfriend is busy being an amazing hotshot lawyer in order to fund your lifestyle…
Marlene [8:48 PM] fuck offffffffff
Lily [8:50 PM] T ell dorcas that I miss having an actual rational human being on our calls
Lily rummaged through her fridge and as she realized that she had forgotten to meal prep that weekend, then gave up and grabbed a microwave dinner from the freezer. As she popped it in the microwave, she stifled a laugh. The fact that she was still eating microwave dinners from Tescos because she had forgotten to cook for herself at the age of twenty six told her everything she needed to know about her preparedness for being a mother.
She wondered if she should tell Mary and Marlene about her chance encounter. They probably wouldn’t believe her, because what were the chances that she would find her son in the middle of London?
The only way to prove to Marlene and Mary that she knew Harry was indeed her son was by explaining his uncanny resemblance to James Potter. The problem was that Lily had never told anyone that the father of her child was James Potter.
Of course, the girls had known about the pregnancy—she couldn’t have made it through the end of sixth form without anyone noticing if they hadn’t been there to cover for her—but Lily hadn’t told anybody about James Potter, especially not the man himself.
James was never going to know, and it filled Lily with guilt. She knew it was wrong to let him walk around oblivious to the fact that he had a son, but Petunia was armed with endless reasons as to why James could not know, and eventually Lily had given in. Even though he came into sixth form a little less of a dickhead than he had been in the years prior, Lily knew that he wasn’t ready to be a father. She reconciled herself with the fact that Harry was probably better off with an adoptive family, prepared to care for his needs, rather than an arrogant overzealous teen dad and a grieving depressed teen mom who weren’t even dating. Telling James would have just made things more complicated, and things were complicated enough for Lily and Petunia as it was.
Mary’s face was far too close to the camera when Lily answered the video call on her laptop, and it was a handy piece of whiplash.
“Bloody hell Mary, I love your face but I really don’t need to see up your nostrils,” she said.
Mary peered even closer. “Can you tell that I have a massive zit on my forehead?” she asked, prodding at her perfect skin, and Lily rolled her eyes.
“You’ve never had a zit in your life Mary,” Marlene grumbled, then turned her attention to Lily. “Please tell me you told James you would go out with him.”
Lily rolled her eyes yet again. “We’re getting drinks. He was honestly really sweet, but I still really don’t want to see him.”
“Honey, we knew he was going to be sweet. He was absolutely smitten with you, especially in sixth form,” said Mary.
“He was not smitten with me,” Lily insisted.
“Sorry to break it to you Lily, but he was absolutely in love with you. I swear he looked at you like he was ready to settle down and pop out babies for you,” Marlene smirked.
Lily groaned. “Don’t say that Mar, too close to home.”
“Ok but honestly,” Mary chimed in, “if he was the father he would have been happy to become your house husband.”
“Yes, so about that,” Lily said abruptly, resolving to talk out at least some of her issues with the girls, even though she still wasn’t brave enough to admit out loud that she was convinced she’d met her son. If Mary and Marlene were with her in person, Lily was sure she would have seen them exchange concerned glances. “Remember the child I had eight years ago?”
“Are you trying to tell us something,” Marlene asked, looking suspicious. Rightly so, considering that Lily typically refused to speak about how she was almost a teen mom.
“No, it’s fine. But It’s been on my mind lately. And well. I’m a shit person.”
“What? No!” Mary immediately jumped to her defense. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what happened. It’s completely normal for teenagers to have sex, and just because a condom failed, doesn’t mean it’s your fault. You can’t vilify yourself for that. And you made the right decision for you when you went the adoption route. You weren’t in a place where you could take care of a baby.”
“God, no, it’s not that,” Lily pressed her palm against her forehead. “Fuck. I lied when I said I didn’t know who the father was. It’s James. It was James Potter and I never told him and I’ve agreed to see him next Friday.”
Neither of the girls said anything.
“Hello?” Lily waved her hand in the camera. “Please tell me you haven’t died from the shock. I don’t need to add anything else to my ‘Why I’m a shit person’ list.”
“I mean, I always wondered,” Mary said slowly. “But, I never wanted to ask. Or presume or anything. Because you really didn’t want to talk about it. Which totally makes sense because it was honestly a traumatizing period of your life. But.”
“God, Lily, I had no idea. I wouldn’t have texted James about you if I knew,” said Marlene.
Lily wanted to jump off a fucking cliff, but she powered on because, really, there was no tactful way to tell your two best friends who had been with you through everything that you had been lying to them for years. “I know Mar. It’s just that I was sort of ready to forget about all of it, that’s why I didn’t want to tell anyone. And now that I actually have to meet up with him, it’s like confronting my biggest shame or something.”
“Lily, with James, it was—it was all consensual, right?” asked Mary, her eyes wide. “Because if he did, Marls and I will happily go out and murder him. No problems. Quick job. It doesn’t matter that it’s been eight years.”
Lily laughed wetly, and pressed the back of her hand against her watering eyes. “Don’t worry. It was. I mean, we were both a little tipsy, but I was definitely into it. And we used condoms, which is why I honestly didn’t realize that I was pregnant for so long; I just didn’t even think it was a possibility. And then when I realized that it had to be James I was just so horrified and humiliated that I’d manage to cause even more problems when my mom was in the hospital and none of my family had time to deal with my stupid mistake. But despite all of that I still sometimes wish that I had kept him.”
“Lily—” Marlene started, but Lily barreled over her words.
“Am I a horrible person?”
She didn’t know what she was doing asking Marlene and Mary that question. She knew there was no chance that they would answer in the affirmative, but hearing from James and seeing a boy who she was sure was Harry, all in one day, was messing with her mind. Especially after she’d spent the last eight years trying not to think about either of them for fear of defrosting the creeping guilt which lay constant and dormant inside her.
“Don’t even ask that,” Mary said, furious. “I mean, yeah it was a bit of a surprise to hear you want to talk about it now. But you’re allowed to feel all these things while also acknowledging that you did what was best for you at the time.”
“You know that you’re the least horrible person I know,” Marlene said. “Like, there are some pretty horrible people out there and you don’t even come close to them.”
“Thanks Mar, I’m not as bad as the most horrible people out there. What a compliment.”
“What?” Marlene protested. “You had a lot of bad and unexpected things happen to you all at the same time when you were eighteen, and you handled them the best you could. That doesn’t make you horrible .”
“Well how the hell am I supposed to see James in two weeks knowing that I had his fucking child?” Lily ran her hand through her hair, finding herself growing more distressed by the minute.
“That..” Marlene trailed off. “That is a more difficult question. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him?”
Mary pursed her lips. “I mean, how would you even tell him if you wanted to? You have no access to the kid, so you can’t do a DNA test.”
Lily thought of the little boy at the library with James’ face and shook her head. “I wouldn’t tell him. There’s no way to tell him now, even though I majorly fucked up by not telling him in the first place. But I can’t be friends with him in good conscience.”
Marlene shrugged. “Ghost him. If he asks me I’ll tell him that you actually still don’t like him because he was such a bag of dicks in Hogwarts.”
“You two aren’t mad at me, right?” Lily asked hesitantly.
“Nah,” said Marlene. “Why would we be? I mean I’m still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that there is a tiny person who is a mix of James Potter and Lily Evans just walking free in this world. It wasn’t so bad when I thought there was just a little angelic Lily Evans clone. But now I can picture a demon child who’s like both of you. A little swotty arrogant stubborn obnoxious piece of shit.”
Lily gasped dramatically. “Don’t you dare call my child a little piece of shit Marlene, and honestly speak for yourself. I never want to have to see your offspring roaming around.”
“Good thing I’m a lesbian,” Marlene said, looking far too smug.
“I’m sure your child is wonderful Lily,” said Mary. “Though not so wonderful that you should regret not raising it.”
“ It? ”
“Sorry, him ,” Mary corrected herself far less sheepishly than Lily would have liked. “I love you Lily, and you never owed us the identity of your baby daddy. Seriously. You’re fine.”
“Well. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. If anyone has some genius idea on how to either hang out with James Potter guilt-free or ghost him without being a jerk, I’m all ears,” Lily said with a sigh, knowing that her eyes were still shiny with unshed tears and hoping her friends could help.
They spent the rest of the night throwing out increasingly ridiculous ways to avoid getting drinks with James, and Lily appreciated her friends for trying their best to lift her spirits.
Even though she felt guilty for withholding the most crucial part of the story, she let Mary and Marlene’s laughter buoy her heavy heart. Everything was alright, she reminded herself. Although she no longer had her parents or Harry, she had her friends, and she clung tightly onto the comfort of their pixelated images on her laptop screen.