Chapter Text
Melee - a confused struggle
1st April, 2017
Jungkook was pacing back and forth in front of the bus stand, constantly chewing his lower lip and rubbing his clammy hands on his jeans. Why did he never carry a handkerchief with him, he thought. Do men carry handkerchiefs with them? Taehyung does. Since they were young, Jungkook had always seen Taehyung carry one with him and it always had some flowery smell to it, he just couldn't identify which flower it was. Why did he never ask Taehyung about it?
It had just been ten minutes since he had reached the bus stop but in the span of ten minutes, his mind had gone through twenty different thoughts. He just couldn’t help himself. He was feeling restless. It wasn’t like Taehyung was running late. Jungkook had arrived earlier than their decided time. It’s just that it had been ten months since he had not seen his best friend. They hadn’t spoken with each other even once during that period. Not even a single message or a call. He feared that Taehyung might have forgotten that they were supposed to meet. It was possible, right? The thought was making him fidgety.
When Jungkook was applying in Pusan University, Busan and Taehyung chose to remain in Daegu university, both the friends knew that they will have to part their ways for awhile. They were ready for it but when the day actually came, Taehyung was heartbroken and a crying mess. Jungkook was surprisingly holding up well. Taehyung feared that Jungkook would forget him. They will never be the same again, were his words. The younger consoled him that they can never grow apart even if they are physically apart for months and months. Just to prove it, they decided that they will not interact till they meet again. And they'll be okay whenever they meet next.
Since they were ten years young, every year they used to visit Jinhae Park in Changwon during the Cherry Blossom Festival in April. They had decided that they would meet on the 1st of April in Changwon at the same bus stop where they always sat for the best view of Cherry Blossom.
Thinking back, it seemed like such a silly thing to decide. A decision which costed him heavily. He has missed Taehyung those past months so badly and he cannot wait to see him again. Why was he not there yet! Jungkook was getting impatient. It was still 8:55 in the morning. He may have to wait five more minutes and more if Taehyung was running late. While he was lost in thoughts and pacing rapidly, someone came behind him and tapped his shoulder.
As soon as Jungkook turned and saw Taehyung, he lunged forward, engulfing his best friend in a tight hug. He breathed in the familiar scent of Taehyung, the same flowery scent that his friend always has on his handkerchief as well. Taehyung was surprised with the sudden attack but he still rounded his arms around Jungkook’s body, holding him tightly. Neither spoke for a couple of minutes but when Taehyung felt wetness near his nape where Jungkook had buried his face, he was alarmed. He moved Jungkook’s face gently and saw the free flowing stream of tears on Jungkook’s face.
“Hey Bambi, what happened? Why are you crying?” Taehyung asked worriedly. This was the last thing he had expected to see on meeting his friend after ten long months. Jungkook did not meet Taehyung’s eyes and just wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.
“Look at me.” Taehyung insisted as he got his handkerchief out from his pocket, wiping the tears still flowing from Jungkook’s eyes.
“I am just excited to meet you after so many months. I am just overjoyed” Jungkook spoke in a shaky voice, very unlike Jungkook. Of course, Taehyung did not buy the reason.
He moved closer again and engulfed Jungkook in his embrace. He let him cry a little longer. When Jungkook was calm, he took his hand and pulled him to the seat at the bus stop. Both took their seats and just sat there in silence. It seemed like Jungkook was observing the beautiful view of cherry blossoms in front of them but Taehyung knew better. His gaze seemed empty. He was holding one of Taehyung’s hands in a tight grip as if he feared Taehyung would vanish into thin air if he let his hand lose.
When the calmness of the silence turned into unease, Taehyung finally spoke up, “You wanna tell Hyung what happened, Bambi?” Taehyung rubbed soothing circles with his thumb on Jungkook’s hand.
“Uni is hard, Hyung… and it’s awful. People are awful… and I missed you so much” Jungkook was still looking ahead but his gaze remained empty. He feared that if he looked at Taehyung he would not be able to hold himself back and start crying again. Taehyung knew this too.
“I was a class topper in Daegu in our school. In uni I feel like I am the dumbest kid around. Everything is so hard and just… so much… Even if I am studying and doing assignments for twenty hours in a day I am not able to catch up.” There was so much despair in Jungkook’s voice, something Taehyung had never heard before in his best friend’s voice. Was this the same Jungkook with whom he was attached by hip since they were three and five years old?
“I feel like I am in a completely strange world. I feel like an outsider. I feel like I am at the wrong place. I should not be there, amongst those other kids. They all are so different and still all the same. Maybe I am the different one there, Hyung.” Jungkook finally looked at Taehyung and the sorrow in his eyes broke Taehyung’s heart. His eyes welled up again with unshed tears.
“I hate it there, Hyung. I hate it’ Jungkook moved back towards Taehyung and buried his face in taehyung’s shoulder, a fresh set of tears rolling down.
“Why did you not tell me anything for all these months? Bub, you could have called and I would have been there. It was a dumb idea to not call each other”
“I was the one who told you to be strong. I didn’t want to be the weak one and make you worried.” Jungkook spoke sniffling.
Taehyung can’t imagine what his best friend was feeling all these months and to add to that the burden to not call him, worrying about Taehyung. He thought about all the past months when he kept thinking that he was feeling miserable without Jungkook around. In reality, Jungkook was actually much more anguished than him. It was the first time he was away from home, away from his family and away from his best friend. He had it much worse than Taehyung. Taehyung actually enjoyed his art classes. He still had family around and old friends around. Jungkook had no one there to sooth him. He felt a pang of pain in his chest just with those thoughts.
Between both the friends Taehyung was the social butterfly. Jungkook has always been shy and an introvert. He should have known that Jungkook will find it difficult to fit in the new place among new people. But he never imagined that it would be this difficult. Taehyung didn't know how he could make things better for Jungkook. One thing Taehyung knew that however miserable Jungkook might be feeling right now, he would want to keep pursuing his passion.
He has chosen international business to ensure that he gets to live his dream of working with top brands globally. For that dream to come true, Jungkook would have to pull through these difficult years of college. Taehyung could only Hope for things to get better as time passed.
They sat there for hours talking about the last ten months that they had spent apart. Just by letting his emotions out in a safe place and with a few words of encouragement from Taehyung, Jungkook felt like everything would be okay. He needed those words,he needed Taehyung’s soothing voice all these months, more than anything. It felt like he had all the strength he needed to continue.
Taehyung gave whatever advice he could but he knew that though Jungkook was younger than him he was more mature. He knew how to persevere forward. All he could offer was to be with him when things got difficult. When they parted ways, he took a promise from Jungkook that he will regularly call him and message him. He will speak with him whenever things get tough. He would call him whenever he felt lonely.
1st April, 2018
Jungkook was late. It was already 09:10 and Jungkook had yet not arrived. Taehyung was getting anxious. He had called up Jungkook twice already but he had not picked up the phone. He had not even seen the message that Taehyung had sent last night, reminding him of their meeting today. He hadn’t Spoken with Jungkook in over six months.
After their last meeting the previous year, Taehyung had ensured that he called up Jungkook almost everyday. But it seemed that whenever Taehyung called him Jungkook was busy. He was either in the library or running from one class to another. Even if he would call up late in the evening, he would be busy studying. Taehyung started feeling that he was disturbing the boy. He started dropping messages to Jungkook, so that he can reply when free. But Taehyung knew that Jungkook was never good with messages. Even during their school time, he hardly checked anyone’s messages. Mostly, Taehyung would be the one clearing his inbox once or twice in a week whenever Jungkook complained about too many messages.
Initially, he would get replies after hours or sometimes late at night. Gradually those hours turned to days and their communication tapered off to almost nil. Despite knowing the fact that his best friend was busy with an overwhelming amount of study and assignments, he could not stop worrying. Recalling those free falling tears on Jungkook's face and the empty gaze in his eyes, Taehyung couldn't help himself but worry. Was he alright? Was he feeling lonely once again? Was he stressed with studies? He couldn't not worry. Taehyung was looking forward to finally meeting his best friend after a year and he was hoping that Jungkook was now doing better.
Everything was going well in his life. He was doing well on the education front. As always he had support of a loving family and was always surrounded by his close group of friends. And yet, he was constantly feeling like something was missing in his life. There was a void which was created lately. This void didn't exist earlier, before Jungkook moved away. It was easy to identify the reason for this void. He was missing Jungkook.
Jungkook, his best friend, his partner in crime, his confidant, his guiding star and maybe something more than that. Taehyung had always felt more for Jungkook. More than a best friend. This feeling was always there. He had never deliberately acknowledged these feelings but he had always known they existed. He wasn't sure if Jungkook felt the same. Right now was not the time to ask. Jungkook’s well-being was more important than to know how he felt about Taehyung.
As the minutes passed by, Taehyung started to get this unsettling feeling deep in his guts. He called up Jungkook one more time but once more the boy did not pick up. He was about to give up when he finally saw someone a lot like Jungkook approaching him. Was that Jungkook? It looked like him but that cannot be him.
The person approaching may have a similar body structure and face like Jungkook but he looked far different than his Jungkookie. This guy was wearing black tight jeans with a black tank top and a black leather jacket thrown over one of his arms. Jungkook would never wear something like this. It's just not his style. The arm which was not covered by the jacket was entirely covered in an array of tattoos. Definitely, not his Jungkookie.
But as the guy approached closer, Taehyung realised it was Jungkook. More the boy got closer, the more Taehyung noticed other things which would not belong to Jungkook. This Jungkook was having his ears pierced, in fact multiple piercings in each ear. He also saw one piercing on one of his eyebrows and one lip piercing. His hair was a mop of unruly blue hairs. Blue hair! And was he wearing eyeliner?
But then there's the same enchanting smile and sparkling eyes which only belonged to his Jungkookie. And as always Taehyung got lost in that smile, forgetting everything else.
“Hey bear. Why are you looking at me like that?” Jungkook asked with a wide smile. He knew why Taehyung seemed to be taken aback. People who had not seen him in the last few months tend to give the same reaction.
“You look different” Taehyung felt like he was stating the obvious.
“Well, thank you bear.” There was a strange confidence in Jungkook's tone. Taehyung wasn't sure whether he should be happy about it or should worry about such drastic changes. He was back to being Jungkook's bear but that term of endearment didn't hold the same affection as it always used to have.
“How are you Jungkook-ah?” Taehyung asked tentatively. He felt odd. He didn't know how he should speak with this new Jungkook.
“I am perfectly fine as you can see.” The confidence quickly turned into over confidence.
“And how's the studies going on?”
“It's going!” The nonchalant response didn't give much assurance to Taehyung.
In the two hours that Taehyung spent with Jungkook at the bus stop, Jungkook spoke a lot about his life during the last year. He spoke about all the new friends that he had made. He spoke about all the adventures he had, most involved rebelling against professors and college. He gave him a detailed tour of his tattoos, explaining the meaning of each and everyone. They were all exquisite. He also spoke about his changing belief system and how his study is no longer the “centre of his universe” . More than what Jungkook spoke, what he didn't speak made Taehyung worried.
Taehyung knew his Bambi well. He could clearly see that the change in his behaviour was not because of growing up but rather a defence mechanism. He was trying to shield himself from the world. He wanted to show the world that he was a bad boy so that the world didn't have any expectations from him. If he can be a bad boy, maybe no one would dare hurt him.
After a few hours of heart to heart conversation, Taehyung got to know that Jungkook was failing in many subjects. He had also gotten warnings for disciplinary reasons. He took all that in a “fuck the system” attitude.
These changes must not have been overnight. They would have stemmed from last year or more when Jungkook was lonely, feeling outcast and feeling inadequate. He feared he didn't know this Jungkook well. Just two years back, he knew everything that would have happened in a day of his best friend's life. But now, he is clueless about what has been happening in Jungkook' life over the past two years.
It's not just the distance that has led to this situation. Jungkook has always been shy and closed off. It's just because of a lot of coaxing by Taehyung over the years that he had opened up and allowed Taehyung the view of his entire life.
It took hours of conversation for layers to come off and for the vulnerable shy boy to come out. Taehyung didn’t want to invalidate what Jungkook was feeling. He did not want to force him to do anything that he thought was right. However, Taehyung did want Jungkook to realise what was going on with him. He wanted Jungkook to understand the triggers that had caused changes in himself. He wanted Jungkook to know his defence mechanism for what they were. Even if he chose to hide behind his defence, it is okay. Just like how these changes had not happened overnight, he knew that the realisation would also not happen overnight. The best that Taehyung could do was be understanding and patient with him. He can stand by him and be the support Jungkook needs. So that is what Taehyung decided to do.
Once again when they parted, Jungkook promised Taehyung that he will stay in touch. He would share what is going on with him consistently. Knowing Jungkook, Taehyung was not very optimistic. All he could wish for the well being of his best friend from afar.
1st April 2019
The feeling of emptiness had only grown over the last year. The longing for Jungkook’s presence had been so intense that Taehyung felt it physically. He felt the pain in his heart, in his soul and in his body. He felt an itch, a craving, a thrumming deep in his body. Taehyung was getting restless by the second. It was just 08:40 still, there were twenty more minutes till Jungkook would come.
Last one year has been painful without Jungkook. Taehyung remembered Jungkook’s words from two years back. He had said that he felt like an outsider amongst other students. These days Taehyung felt like an outsider in his own home, amongst his family and amongst his friends. He felt incomplete.
He had earlier not realised how strong his feelings for Jungkook were. Jungkook was not just his friend or best friend. Jungkook was his soulmate. He was his other half. He was missing his other half.
He had a lot of time to think over what to do with this sudden awareness of his feelings for Jungkook. He wanted to know how Jungkook felt about him. He knew he probably did not have the same feelings. Jungkook probably considered Taehyung as his best friend. Even if they both did not feel the same for each other, Taehyung had decided to let Jungkook know about his feelings. It is okay if he cannot reciprocate his feelings. It is fine. Important thing is for Jungkook to know that Taehyung felt more, more than just friends.
Taehyung was in love with Jungkook.
Taehyung mentally rehearsed his speech one more time. He tried to put his thoughts in a logical order. He tried to place perfect words that would explain his feelings to his best friends, without putting pressure on him to reciprocate Taehyung’s feelings.
He was almost mumbling to himself when two arms wrapped around his waist from behind. And at that moment, Taehyung felt complete. A strange relief coursed through his body. His mind was suddenly at ease. Taehyung was complete.
He turned around to look at the person he had missed so terribly for the entire year. His heartbeat stopped for a second. It was his best friend that he had seen two years back. He was back in his grey hoodie and black jeans. It seemed like the sharp edges were replaced by soft corners. Jungkook smiled wide, his nose scrunched and he engulfed Taehyung once more in a tight embrace.
“Oh my bear, I missed you so much!’ Jungkook spoke, still in the embrace.
“I missed you too, my Bambi.” Taehyung was barely able to hold back tears. He felt like he was hit by a truck load of emotions.
Taehyung was grateful that Jungkook kept him in a tight hug while Taehyung could gain some semblance of composure.
“Where did the punk Jkay go? I see my Bambi is back?” Taehyung spoke teasingly.
“You can say that your Bambi has re-discovered himself” Jungkook smiled as if there was a secret he was holding.
“I’m so happy to hear that! But how did it happen?”
Jungkook took a deep breath, guiding Taehyung to sit on the bench at the bus stop, taking a seat beside him.
“Bear, I was messed up. Too messed up. More than you had seen when we last met.” Jungkook sighed, looking ahead at the view, not able to meet his best friend's eyes. “I was not attending classes. I was failing many subjects. I had gone into depression and the company I was having was, let's just say, not ideal.”
Jungkook finally looked at Taehyung and smiled, “But then I met her”
“Her?”
“Yeah. Ah-in. We were assigned as a project partner.” Jungkook chuckled looking back at the view in front, “Hyung, I was an asshole to her. I wasn't helping her with project work. I would blow her off rudely when she would ask to meet up. I wasn't even a good human being to her. Well, at that time I wasn't even good to myself.” Taehyung listened to his best nodding along, urging him to continue.
“I don't know why but she was patient with me. I think because she is just like that. Patient, kind and caring. I finally agreed one day to work with her on the project. And we gelled well from the first meeting itself.” There was joy on Jungkook's face as he spoke.
“That's nice.” Taehyung spoke for lack of anything better to respond with. There was a lump in his chest and an ugly feeling crawling through his body. Still he listened to Jungkook go on about his wonderful chemistry with the girl.
“Ah-in rescued me from my dark phase where I had pretty much become an uncaring, self-destructive jerk.” Jungkook paused and then looked at Taehyung as he spoke, “she guided me back to my true self.”
There was a genuine smile on Taehyung's face now. He was grateful to this girl who helped his best friend to come out of a very difficult time of his life. There is no way he can harbour any negative feelings for her, even if that knowledge pained him.
There was a bashful smile on Jungkook's face. There was a rosy tint to his cheeks. “We have been dating for almost six months now and I really like her.*
The words hit Taehyung so harshly that he felt out of breath. He didn’t know how he was supposed to respond to this information. All he knew was that it felt like something precious was snatched from him. A part of himself, probably!
Jungkook continued talking about his relationship. Taehyung could hear that he was saying something but somehow the words didn’t register in his brain. He was probably staring at Jungkook but somehow not seeing him. There was an eerie silence in his brain. A sudden feeling of nothingness.
And a moment later, he was stuck by a feeling of loss, utter loss. Suddenly, there were hundreds of thoughts running in his mind. The nothingness was gradually replaced by a state of panic. Taehyung was panicking. Panicking about this strong feeling of loss. Panicking about holding on to lifelong friendship. Panicking to respond appropriately to this sudden revelation of his best friend.
Thankfully Jungkook had not noticed the sudden change in Taehyung’s state. Taehyung assumed that all of it was happening inside his head and maybe he was standing catatonic in front of his friend who is talking about his love interest for the first time. His love interest that isn’t Taehyung.
After a few deep breaths, and attempting to form something similar to a smile, Taehyung congratulated Jungkook for his first dating experience. He even tried to tease him about being too nerdy to have his first date at this age.
Throughout the year Taehyung had gathered incidents and experiences that he wanted to share with Jungkook. He had so much that he wanted to talk about with his best friend but suddenly all the words had vanished. He could not utter anything that he had guarded in his heart, to share with his Bambi.
Jungkook was visibly excited to share about the new person in his life. He was so enthusiastically telling Taehyung about all his special dates with Ah-in. When it became unbearable for Taehyung to listen with a happy smile on his face, he lied to Jungkook.
The long streak of always being truthful to his Bambi ended. He apologised to Jungkook for having other plans for the rest of the day and having to end their meeting early. Jungkook was thrown off balance when Taehyung suddenly declared that he had to leave. Before he could say anything, Taehyung was already bidding his goodbyes. Baffled, Jungkook had no choice but to let Taehyung go.
Taehyung wanted to look at Jungkook one more time before he left, but he had no strength left. He would regret it later on but at that moment, all he could do was give a false promise to call him the next day and run away from there.