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Lewis felt the first tickle in his throat after their crash in Spain, but the cause didn’t manifest itself until Nico was lifting the world championship trophy. Lewis barely managed to make it back to his driver room before he was heaving and gagging, coughing up a handful of colourful rose petals. The sight made him feel sick, and he subconsciously scratched at the rose on his hand. There was only one person that could’ve caused this, the gaping chasm between them widening every day. Lewis can’t remember the last time they spoke to each other without the barbed comments and petty digs at each other. It was only a matter of time before one of them lost their feelings, but Lewis hadn’t expected it to be Nico first.
When Lewis saw Nico’s retirement announcement, all he felt was bitter relief. A bit of hurt followed, that Nico hadn’t told him he was leaving, but mostly it was just relief. Relief that the fighting was over. Relief that Lewis could finally, maybe, move on. Their relationship had crumbled apart like a sandcastle, and Lewis was tired of wondering if he could rebuild it. The petals had been the final nail in the coffin, the final acknowledgment that everything they’d built was gone. Warm smiles turned to icy glares and cold conversations. A makeshift ring swapped out for a real one, with a woman Nico could be seen with, rather than his best friend.
Lewis avoided any mention of Nico in the years that followed, as Nico came back as a commentator, clearly unable to stay away from the sport. He could feel him watching him sometimes, and that always made the tickle in his throat return, some physical sign that he still hadn’t managed to move on, but Nico never tried to reach out until after the pandemic. Lewis managed to make it through quiet small talk with him before he had to go, and he managed to only cough up one full flower in his motorhome afterwards. He took that as a small success.
The worst is after Abu Dhabi in 2021. Lewis was already upset, was already crushed and weighed down. He didn’t need his pathetic crush on Nico to make a resurgence, but it was Nico’s fault. It was like he knew exactly what Lewis needed. It was just a phone call, one Lewis was weak enough to answer as he sat in his hotel room while the rest of the grid celebrated the end of a season. Nico hadn’t said much, just let Lewis rant until he sobbed, and cry until he heaved and flowers came tumbling out of his mouth, some of the petals bloody from the effort it took to get them up. He could hear Nico fussing on the phone but he couldn't focus on it. He was a mess. He had lost the championship, and now he was losing himself, all because he’d answered the stupid phone.
He stayed with his head resting on the cool porcelain of the toilet as he tried to catch his breath, finding it oddly shallow and raspy. He barely noticed the door opening, only looking up when there was a hand on his back. Nico looked horrified at the sight of the flowers, but Lewis couldn’t bring himself to make an excuse. He felt weirdly light even as his breathing was laboured. It was like the flowers that had haunted him for years were gone. Maybe this was closure. He didn’t feel any different.
“Tell me these aren't for me.”
Lewis stayed silent, hearing the shaky breath Nico took at the silent admission. He never stopped stroking Lewis’ back, but now it felt like it was comforting for Nico more than Lewis.
“You idiot. You think I ever stopped loving you?”
Lewis could only nod, because he knew how these things worked. Nico had won the championship and any last remaining warmth he held for him was gone. That’s why it got worse then. He didn’t want to do this now, as much as he thinks the closure might allow him to move on. He was tired, and upset, and honestly just downtrodden. He didn’t need to hear about why Nico had lost feelings for him on top of all of it.
“I have never stopped loving you, but I decided once I won that I was done fighting you.”
Lewis stared down at the petals at that. It happened sometimes. Rarely, but it could happen. Relationships that fell into disrepair, all sharp edges and cracks, could sometimes result in Hanahaki, even with both parties still in love. Lewis hadn’t ever considered that maybe that was what had happened to them. That’s soulmate type shit. Completely unconditional love, regardless of what they put each other through. Lewis had never thought he was worthy of that kind of love, the kind of love that fairy tales were built on. Nico was married, for Christ’s sake.
He felt lips pressing on his shoulder and fought to keep the tears from spilling. He couldn’t cry now. Not over this.
“I will always love you, Lewis Hamilton. That’s just how I'm built.”