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Dear Tsukki,
It's been a long time since I last called you by that name. Seven seasons have passed, but every day, every morning, I woke up searching for you, and every night, I fell asleep with your absence. Since the day you ceased to be my Tsukki, the threads of my life have unraveled, and everything has spiraled out of control. Your name lingers in my mind, leaving a bitter taste on my lips. You’re probably surprised to be reading this letter; I’m surprised myself to be writing it. But it feels as though my fingers, in a kind of surrender, are seeking you out, writing to you against my will. My body, shaped by longing for you, no longer obeys me.
If you're curious about how I am—well, I just decided to end my life a few minutes ago. But don’t worry, I’m not alone. Your absence is here with me, witnessing my decision. Next to me is the bottle of wine you bought for what was supposed to be our happiest day, but that day is long gone. And the memories, echoing in my mind, tearing pieces of me away—they’re here too, keeping me company.
This wasn’t a sudden decision, Tsukki. It grew and ripened with each passing season. In my mind, countless times, at the end of every month, I hanged myself right in front of you, in the middle of our bedroom. I looked into your eyes, those eyes that were the last thing I wanted to see in this life. A few times, I cut my wrists in the bathtub where we once bathed together. And each time, I emptied our medicine cabinet, swallowing all the pills you insisted I take. In my mind, as I did these things, I felt a kind of relief. But then I returned to reality, and everything crashed down on me like a nightmare. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want to wake up. Every time, I wanted to leave this life with you, to exit with you.
But the truth is, it was all just a dream. Every time I returned to reality, your absence greeted me. I didn’t have the courage to go through with any of it. I thought that one day you might return; the idea of you coming back to find an empty home terrified me. I didn’t want you to experience that pain. So I postponed everything, every step. I repeated it over and over in my mind, but I could never bring myself to do it. Because this house, Tsukki... This house is so cold without you that even if it were engulfed in flames, I would still freeze inside it. Without your arms around me, my body would never feel warmth. Without your scent, this house would never feel like a home. If you’re not here, I can’t be here either. Even your scent has left this house, and I lose my mind a little more each day.
Ah, my beautiful Tsukki, why did you leave me?
I could never ask you to come back, but I never stopped waiting for you. Every morning I searched for you in bed, every evening I sat by the door, waiting for you to come. The grass in our yard, and your absence, can both bear witness to the nights I stayed up waiting for you. If you knew how much I missed you, how I lost my mind in this house without you, maybe you’d be ashamed for leaving me. Would you be ashamed? Did you ever feel regret for abandoning me? Did you ever feel sad? Did you ever drive by our house to catch a glimpse of me? Did you miss me? If I were in your place, my lips would burn with shame every time they said they didn’t love you anymore. I would be ashamed of what you did to us, to the young lovers who once promised each other "forever."
Do you know what’s saddest? If you had shown up one day, if you had returned as if nothing had happened, I would have welcomed you back. I would have celebrated your return at the door with all my joy, and I wouldn’t have asked you any questions. I wouldn’t have demanded explanations. I would have just held you tight. I would have breathed in your scent, and even if you ignored me as you did in those last months, I would have continued to be your ghost. If you were to come back, I would bear all the pain, the shame, and the sorrow alone. Just having you home would be enough for me. A single embrace from you would be enough to make me forget everything you put me through. With you by my side, I wouldn’t care about anything else. I couldn’t. No matter how much my heart burned for months, even years, just seeing my old happy reflection in your golden eyes would be enough for me.
But you never came, Tsukki. You never called. You never drove by our house.
You found a new home, a new place to belong, didn’t you? Maybe a house bigger than ours, with a garden more beautiful than our old one. You made it your home. But how could you? How could you do this to me, to my mind that endlessly replays the scene of you leaving, to our garden that you abandoned?
The garden that was once colorful, filled with your scent, now looks like me. The wilted flowers are as pitiful and ugly as I am. They’re desperate, waiting for the wind to carry them away. The garden that once smelled of happiness now smells like a graveyard.
Just like me, they’re waiting for you. Foolishly.
But now the time has come. Just as you left, it’s time for me to go too.
It’s time for both of us to leave this house.
Maybe one day, by chance, we’ll run into each other on a side street. If that happens, please don’t ignore me this time. Hold me, stay. In the next life, keep the promise you made to me. If you don’t love me there either, at least don’t go to someone else. Don’t go to them. Don’t do that to me, to us.
I’ll love you even in the next life, Tsukki.
So please, don’t come too soon. Stay alive. Enjoy your life. Be happy with them. Maybe in that time, I’ll forget you—what do you think?
I’ll forget, right?
̶P̶l̶e̶a̶s̶e̶,̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶,̶ ̶T̶s̶u̶k̶k̶i̶.̶
Now, it’s time for me to go, Tsukki.
Goodbye.
-With love,
Tadashi
i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you , i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you tsukki.