Archive of Our Own ^beta

Lupe was hardly thrilled when her parents announced that they would all be moving from their home in Dallas to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, miles away. But, as they pointed out, she was the one having 'difficulties' here, and her parents had always planned on moving somewhere quieter, a village or small town perhaps. Except they probably expected it to happen once Lupe and her younger sister Esti had moved out and gone off to work or college.

So Lupe finds herself in the back of their ancient family car, sat across from Esti. She's slightly more excited about the move, young enough not to know the real reason why Lupe had to move schools so abruptly just a year before she graduates. A mixture of affection and exasperation wells up inside Lupe's heart the fifth time Esti asks 'are we nearly there yet?', her big brown eyes full of enthusiasm. At the very least, it's a distraction from her mother looking in the wing view mirror to peer at her disapprovingly every few minutes. Lupe can practically hear her saying, “Don't you dare fuck things up this time”. Well, she'll try not to.

By the time they arrive at their new house, it's almost dark out. Esti drifted off about an hour ago, her head tilted at an odd angle. Lupe sighs and gets out of the car, opening the door on Esti's side and picking her up even though she's probably getting a little old for that now. Most of their stuff is here already, so the house isn't empty, but they haven't actually unpacked anything, giving the house a mildly creepy atmosphere. Piles of boxes are stacked up all over the place, casting shadows as they turn the lights on in the house, and Lupe can't help but feel a little mournful at the loss of their old, familiar flat back in Dallas. Sure, she'd had to share a room with Esti, and they'd had barely any space there, but...it was home.

Lupe carries Esti upstairs and places her still-sleeping sister down on her new bed, in the room opposite her own. She drops a light kiss on her forehead, and straightens the bow in one of the pigtails Lupe had tied for her that morning. Then, she rustles around for a blanket in one of the boxes labelled 'bedding' until she finds one to drape over her sister. They'll unpack properly tomorrow, but Esti's clearly wiped out from the day of travel and there's no point in waking her now. Lupe heads back down the creaking staircase to help her parents unload their bags from the car. The second they're done, she goes into her new room - so bare, so alien, but she hardly cares right now - and falls asleep almost immediately.

-

The next day mainly consists of unpacking; an endless supply of boxes keep them all busy well into the afternoon, but at least Lupe's room finally looks a little less depressing. She's hung up some posters, and her clothes are all in the chest of drawers in the corner of the room. She's put the few books she has on the small bookshelf next to her bed, as well as her baseball mitt and cap, and there's a heavy wooden desk loaded with largely-untouched school supplies by the window. It's much more space than she's used to, and she doesn't quite know what to make of it.

She decides to go for a walk, partially to escape the tedium of unpacking and partially to scope out the area, but her mother insists that Esti tag along.

"Seriously, mom? Why can't she just play in the garden or something?"

They have a small, slightly overgrown garden here, something her parents were excited about, but honestly, Lupe couldn't care less. She's just got to keep her head down and make it through the rest of high school, and then she's outta here. With that in mind, she doesn't want to spend that year babysitting her kid sister 24/7.

"She wants to have a look around too, but I don't want her to go out alone and get lost."
Esti shouts from her room: "I'm 11, not 1, I don't need a babysitter."
"You're going with your sister or not at all." When their mom uses that tone of voice, you don't argue.

So they wander down the unfamiliar streets in silence, both sulking. Eventually, Lupe gets bored of the quiet.

"What's your problem, huh? What are you in a mood for?"
Esti scowls. "As if you care. It's your fault we had to move, and now I've had to leave my friends and I already hate it here. It's so quiet."
Anger blazes through Lupe. "Like you even have friends. We're stuck here, anyway, so either put up with it or fuck off back to Dallas." Sure, it's a childish retort, but Lupe's sick of having to be an adult all the time. Sometimes it feels like she barely got a childhood at all.

The worst part is, she knows it is her fault that they're here, even if Esti thinks it's because this area has better schools. It was Lupe who couldn't just pretend. And it was Lupe who had gone too far, tried so hard to be good but still failed.

But now she feels fucking awful, because Esti's face is scrunched up like she's about to cry, and god Lupe's a shitty sister. And she should probably comfort her or something, but she's already turning away, storming onwards with barely a glance behind her to check that Esti's following. By the time they get home, she's finally caught up to Lupe, and they both put on an act of getting on in front of their mother. As soon as she's out of sight, though, they go back to ignoring one another, sitting alone in their respective bedrooms.

-

Later that evening, just as Lupe's thinking about going to sleep, there's a tentative knock at her door.
"Come in," she calls. Esti pokes her head around the door, a hopeful expression on her face. "Thought you'd tell me to go away."
Lupe sighs. "Come here," she beckons, and Esti's face lights up as she scurries over and gets into Lupe's bed next to her. Lupe shuffles over and pulls the covers over both of them, taking her sister's hand.
"I'm sorry, E. I shouldn't have said that earlier, I was just upset. I didn't mean it."
Esti sniffles. "I'm sorry, too. Can I sleep in here tonight?"
"Yeah, course."
They sit for a while, heads leaned together. Esti breaks the silence to ask, "Lu? Are you...worried about tomorrow?"

Ah yes, the first day at their new school. They haven't exactly left tons of time to settle in first. And Lupe is fucking terrified, but she shouldn't let her sister know that.

"A tiny bit," she admits. "But I know it'll all be fine. School can't be too different here, can it?" God, she hopes this one's nothing like her old school. Or rather, that the people are nothing like those she left behind.

Esti hums in acknowledgement. "I'm not scared," she adds quickly. "I just couldn't sleep 'cos it's hot."

Lupe nods. "Warm night," she agrees, allowing Esti her moment to pretend. She's had her life uprooted too, the least Lupe can do is be supportive.

They fall asleep, close together in the small bed, Esti's soft snores filling the room.

-

Her first day goes about as well as expected. She's given a tour guide, a slightly nervous girl called Carson. But what she lacks in confidence she makes up for in enthusiasm; she shows Lupe around and describes everything as if it's a palace, rather than a pretty generic high school. They do have good sports facilities here, which Lupe's a little excited about at first, but she doubts she'll actually join any teams. Baseball is her pride and joy, and she's missed playing like hell, it's just...things didn't work out for her with her old team, and she hasn't played since before the pregnancy. Remembering it all makes her chicken out of putting her name down for anything, instead following Carson through the hallways as she babbles on about the amazing facilities or some shit the school clearly told her to say.

They stop outside a classroom in the English corridor, and Carson tells Lupe that they're in the same class.
"We can sit together, the seat next to me is empty!” she grins.
Lupe aims for a smile, but it probably comes out as a grimace. It's all a bit much, to be honest; it's bigger than she expected, and she's almost overwhelmed with the pressure to not screw things up this time around.
"Okay, I'll see you later, newbie!" Carson chirps, before turning on her heel and disappearing down some other corridor.

Shit, she should have paid more attention to the tour. She checks her timetable - she's supposed to have Phys Ed right now. Where the hell is the locker room?

By the time she's found it, almost everyone's left. A tall girl with blonde hair falling about her face is the only one left, standing in the corner rummaging around in her bag for something. She barely looks up as Lupe enters, just keeps searching. Lupe starts to change hurriedly, hoping she can make a less conspicuous entrance if she appears at the same time as the other girl. As Lupe's pulling her hair back, the girl sighs loudly and walks over to her. "Do you have a hair tie?"

And Lupe's brain malfunctions for a moment because this girl is mesmerising. Her bright blue eyes are difficult to look away from. Every one of her features seem sculpted, almost, and despite her slightly frustrated expression, there's a trace of warmth behind it, like she's not as intimidating as she looks.

Then the girl clears her throat, with a slight hint of amusement on her face, and Lupe realises she's been staring. Shit. Part of the reason she's here is to avoid this kind of...distraction, as her parents put it.

"Um, sorry," she mumbles, embarrassed. "What did you say?"
The girl snorts. "I said, do you have a hair tie? Mine broke."
"Oh! Sure, yeah, lemme just..." she trails off as she opens the front pocket of her bag, pulling out a spare hairband. "Here."
The girl takes it and starts scraping her hair back into a plait. "Thanks. You're new here, aren't you?"
Lupe nods. "First day."
The girl looks her up and down. "Yeah, I'd remember you. Well, good luck. We should probably head out to the field before Sarge kills us."
Lupe tries and fails to process what she means by that, that she ‘would remember her’. She decides to just focus on her final sentence, and looks at her with a confused expression. "Sarge?"
"Oh, that's just what I call her, cos she used to be in the marines or something. She acts like it annoys her but she loves me really. It's all part of my charm."
Lupe bites back a grin as they both head out to the field.

The girl starts to head over to a group of girls, but turns around to ask, "Hey, new kid. What's your name?"
"Lupe," she responds, but before she can ask the same question back, the girl has swanned over to join her friends.

Lupe tries her best to get through the lesson whilst drawing minimal attention to herself, and miraculously she seems to manage it. At least until the teacher comes up to her at the end of the lesson and asks if she's considered joining any of the sports teams. "Based on today, I think you could certainly be a good addition to the soccer team," she says.
"Um, thanks, but it's not really my sport." Sure, she was on the team at her old school for a bit, but she'd stopped to dedicate more time to baseball.
"Ah, I see. What is your sport, then, Miss Garcia?"
"Baseball," she mutters, so softly she's not sure if it's even audible. But the coach - Sarge, that girl called her - is grinning. "Well, we have an excellent team here, I'd encourage you to join."

Lupe shrugs. She doesn't want to get too involved in anything here, not clubs or friendship groups or any other things that could be dangerous. She's meant to be laying low.
"I'll think about it," she settles on, not wanting to offend Sarge but unwilling to commit to it yet.

-

Later that day, in her history class, they're learning about the civil rights movement in the US. The teacher spends half the lesson on white people who supported the movement, and the two girls sat across from Lupe keep scowling and shaking their heads. Eventually, the teacher - Mr Porter, or something? - acknowledges their annoyance.
"What is it, Maxine?"
"Are you seriously gonna act like the whole civil rights movement succeeded because a couple of white people decided black people should be treated as humans? I'm not denying the importance of these figures, they did amazing work, but our rights in this country were won through years of hard work from people of colour."

The girl next to her chimes in, too. "Max is right, you're just disregarding all the incredible people who dedicated their lives to fighting for minority rights."

"Okay ladies, I think both of you just need to calm down a little, okay? Are you the teachers, or am I?"

Max is clearly fuming, but Clance puts a reassuring hand on her arm, and a look passes between them that Lupe knows all too well, despite the slight differences in the prejudice directed at her compared to these girls. The familiar expression of, ‘I know they're being a racist piece of shit but you can't lose it, even if you have every right to.’

Lupe catches Max's eye at one point, and gives her a conciliatory half smile. Max seems to get it, and rolls her eyes in response as if to say "Well, I tried."
Lupe smiles to herself. She considers speaking to them at the end, but remembers her aim to blend in. She doesn't need to make friends who she'll only know for a year, no matter how cool these two seem.

-

Last lesson of the day is English, and Lupe spends the majority of the hour listening to Carson Shaw witter on about the ending of The Great Gatsby. Lupe flicks back through the book briefly; she did actually read it, but the main two things she got from it were that a) capitalism sucks, and b) Nick and Jordan are both gay as fuck. She keeps her mouth shut though, and lets Carson talk her ear off about how it's a tragic love story between Gatsby and Daisy.
At the end of the lesson, Carson asks where she was at lunch that day. "I couldn't see you in the cafeteria," she explains.
"Oh, I was..." sat in an empty classroom trying not to throw up at the thought of entering a school cafeteria after last time "...sat outside. It was nice in the shade, so."
Carson nods in understanding. "Right, right, fair. But if you ever wanna sit with me and Shirl - sorry, Shirley, my best friend - you're more than welcome!"
"Thanks, Shaw. I'll think about it."

(‘I’ll think about it’ is quickly becoming her go-to answer in place of 'no way in hell, but I want to at least try and be polite').

Esti's in a great mood for the whole of the walk home. She had a brilliant first day, apparently, and already seems to have about a million friends. Lupe's happy for her, she really is, but she's also exhausted, so she occasionally reacts to her sister's monologue but mostly just lets her talk. By the time they get home, their mom has started making dinner, and when they all sit down to eat together, Esti recounts all the things she's already told her, so Lupe starts to zone out a little.

She snaps back to reality, though, when she notices her mother staring at her intently. "What?"
"Don't say 'what', say 'pardon'. No manners, honestly. I asked you how your day was."
"Oh, fine. Uneventful." She won't mention Sarge telling her to join the team, or about Max and Clance's argument with the teacher. Her parents would hardly approve.
So instead she tells them about Carson, knowing they'll appreciate her getting on with a girl like her (white, teacher’s pet, fits in) and hating herself for it a little bit. Anything for an easy life, she supposes.

-

The rest of her first week passes, and it's pretty dull. She even ends up sitting with Carson and Shirley for lunch one day, despite her nerves; Carson keeps insisting, and Lupe can't bring herself to say no yet again by the time Friday rolls around. So, she goes into the cafeteria, and it's surprisingly okay - well, as far as a school cafeteria can be anyway. She’s a week in, and she has 2 sort-of friends and has managed to stay out of trouble. Her old classmates would hardly recognise her.

Carson and Shirley tried asking her about her old school, but mostly gave up once they realised she wasn't gonna give anything away. So she mostly listens to them chat as she eats the (frankly a little gross, but just about edible) school lunch.

She stops short, though, once a group of girls from her PE class walk in, the girl from the changing room included. Shirley notices her staring, and tries to follow her gaze. "Do you have your eye on someone already? Oh my gosh, it's not him, is it?"

Lupe looks at where she's gesturing, at some random boy on the table behind where the group of girls just sat. She shakes her head a little too quickly. "Uh, no, I don't know him. What do you know about that group over there?" She gestures to the girl's table.

Carson sighs. "Oh, that's Greta and her friends. They're all like, super athletic, and Greta's super popular, so...she doesn't really speak to us."

And Lupe thought her old school was clique-y. "So, who's who? They’re, um, in some of my classes," she hastens to add, not wanting to sound overly interested. Shirley leans in, eager to share the gossip.

"So, the tall one with red hair is Greta. Sort of scary, but she's actually not bad. Jo's her best friend, next to her with short hair - she's pretty friendly, but doesn't really speak to many people outside of their little group. Then you've got Maybelle, she's the one opposite Jo. She loves a bit of gossip, but she's really sweet," Shirley explains.

"And the one opposite Greta?" Lupe questions.
"Um, that's Jess. She's...well, no-one seems to know much about her. She's on almost all of the school sports teams, and she moved here from Canada like a year ago but she's honestly super quiet around everyone except those three. People spread a bunch of rumours about her at first, but as soon as she became friends with Greta people left her alone. Plus I heard she has like 5 older brothers, so I think that scared them off. I don't really know much else about her, though."

And Lupe's even more intrigued now she knows a little bit about Jess. But she can't afford to be intrigued by random girls, not after last time.
She forces herself to look away and change the subject.

-

She watches Jess a little over the next few weeks - not that she'll actually speak to her, just out of curiosity. She never really intended to get involved with that group, but one day she ends up in a confrontation with Greta Gill, somehow.

They're out on the field, playing hockey today. Lupe somehow manages to trip Greta up with her stick, causing her to fall over into the mud.
"Oh my god," she says, genuinely mortified. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to- here, let me help you." She reaches out a hand to her, but Greta just scowls and stands up by herself, shooting a final glare in Lupe's direction.

Great. She's successfully pissed off the one person in this class who will probably hold a grudge.

She doesn't think much more of it until the end of the lesson, when Greta comes up to her in the changing room.
"Shit, Greta, I'm really sorry for tripping you," Lupe tries again. "I swear it was an accident, I-"
"What's your name again?" Greta interrupts.
"Um, Lupe."
"Right. So, Lupe, what school did you come here from?"

Is this some sort of game?

Lupe swallows. "Just some place in Dallas. My parents wanted to move somewhere quieter, so..."
"Hmm. Boring. Thought you might be more interesting than that, given that you've been acting all mysterious and hardly speaking to anyone."
The girl - Jess - appears then, putting a hand on Greta's shoulder. "Leave it, Gill. Stop terrorising the new kid."
"I'm just saying! She seems to think she's better than all of us, when I'm just trying to get to know her."

"Hold on, I don't-" Lupe starts, but Jess just gives her a look as if to say, 'it's not worth it.' And that pisses Lupe off even more, because Greta is clearly out of order, and Jess is acting like Lupe's in the wrong? Fuck both of them. She glares at Jess.

"You know what, actually, I am better than both of you. Because I don't feel the need to pick on strangers who are just minding their own goddamn business."
Greta's expression hardens. "How dare you-"
"No, I'm not just gonna put up with you being a bitch, even if everyone else will. So either apologise, or get the fuck outta my face."

To their credit, they do both get the fuck out of her face, but not with a final look back at her. Greta shoots a scowl in her direction, but Jess' expression is harder to read. Lupe thinks there might be a hint of admiration in there, but given that she just told her to fuck off, she's probably misreading it.

-

Lupe's still a little sore about it all later that day, which means her sour mood is still lingering when Esti announces that she's been partnered up with a mentor to help her settle in.

"A mentor? I thought you were getting on well at school, is everything okay?" Lupe asks as they walk home.
Esti nods. "Yeah, 'course. It's just a thing the school does for the new kids."
Lupe nods, placated for now, but makes up her mind to look out for Esti around school the next day, just in case.

"So, who's your mentor? Anyone I would know?" She knows about 10 people's names, only 2 of whom she actually speaks to, but still.
"Oh, I think she's in your year, actually. Umm..." she rummages around in her bag for a piece of paper. "Jess McCready?"

Are you fucking kidding? "Oh, that's...nice."
"Do you know her then?" Esti asks excitedly.
"Yeah, yeah, I know her. Not well, but...she seems cool." Just has shit taste in friends, apparently. "I'm sure she'll be really helpful."
Esti beams, and Lupe attempts a weak smile back.

-

The next day, Lupe keeps an eye out for Esti around school. At lunch, she excuses herself from the table with Carson and Shirley, hoping to find her sister and check that everything's alright. She shouldn't jump to conclusions, but...she's just a little worried. Esti has seemed so excited about everything at school, to the point where it feels almost forced. She finally finds her, sitting alone under an elm tree in the corner of the school field.

"Esti?"

She looks up, startled. "Lu? What are you doing here?"
She chuckles, sitting down by her sister. "I go here too, is there a law against me sitting here?"

Esti rolls her eyes but doesn't tell her to leave.
"So...everything alright? How come you're sitting on your own?"
Esti shrugs. "Didn't feel like sitting in the cafeteria. It's so hot and noisy in there."
"Well, you can always come find me to sit with," Lupe says, unsure whether to push it further or not. Esti's clearly hiding something; she's acting shifty, and she won't meet Lupe's eyes. She nods, but says nothing, so Lupe gives her a hug.

"You wanna come sit with me and my friends?"
Esti considers. "No, I think I'll stay here. But you can go."
"Nah, I'll stay with you, unless you want me to leave?"

Esti shakes her head, so they sit together, complaining about dull lessons and gossiping about teachers until the end of lunch break.

-

A couple of days later, Esti has her first mentoring session with Jess, and it gives Lupe an idea. Esti won't tell her if something's up - she won't want to worry her, or to let their parents know - but she might tell Jess if she's being picked on.

At lunch, Lupe tells Shirley and Carson she'll be back soon, before she walks up to Greta's table. The way they fall silent as she arrives nearly makes her turn around, but she's doing this for Esti, so...

"Jess, can I speak to you for a minute?"

Jess was the only one who hadn't looked up as she approached, but now she fixes Lupe with a stare.

"What?"
Lupe grits her teeth. "I said, can I speak to you?"
Jess just shrugs. "Go ahead."
"Not here, outside," Lupe clarifies, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. She's trying to be civil here.
Jess hesitates. "Why?"
"Oh for fuck's sake, does it matter? It will literally take 5 minutes."

Finally, finally, Jess stands up, following Lupe out of the cafeteria with a confused glance back at her friends.

They come to a stop by the tree where Lupe sat with Esti a few days ago. Well, might as well be upfront.

"You're mentoring my sister."
Jess furrows her brow. "You have a sister?"
"Evidently. I want to know if she's said anything about people picking on her."
"Wait, wait, hold on. Esti's your sister? But..."

Lupe grimaces internally, but puts on a stony expression. "Yeah, I know, different surnames. She's my half sister. That a problem?" She's more than used to people claiming they're not 'real' sisters.
Jess holds her hands up in surrender. "Wait, I wasn't trying to offend you, I'm sorry. Esti's a sweet kid. She hasn't said anything about bullies, but I'll keep an eye out."

Lupe raises an eyebrow in surprise. "Right. Thanks."

Jess shrugs again, leaning back against the tree. "No problem. Look, I'm sorry about Greta the other day. She can be a bit...tetchy, I know, but-"
"Yeah, whatever, I don't need you to try and guilt trip me. You know she was out of order and you still sided with her."

Jess pauses, then nods. "Yeah, you're right. For the record, I spoke to her after, and she regrets it."
"But not enough to apologise, huh?"

Jess bites her lip. "Look, we got off on the wrong foot. Can we please just start over?"

Lupe considers. Jess did apologise, to be fair, and given that she only has two friends here, maybe another couldn't hurt.

"Fine," she agrees, holding out a hand. Jess grins, clearly amused, but shakes it. "There you go, truce. Now you can get back to your popular friends."
"What have you got against them? I get it, Greta was rude the other day, but May and Jo didn't do anything wrong."

Lupe shrugs. If she's honest, she's already judged them simply because they remind her of girls from her old school, but she's not getting into that with Jess.

"Well, if you ever wanna sit with us..."
"Thanks, but I don't need a pity invite. And I doubt I’d get on with your friends. See you around, Jess."

-

The next time Esti has a mentoring session with Jess, she spends practically the whole walk home singing her praises. Jess is so sweet, so funny, gives such good advice, blah blah blah. Lupe zones most of it out, sneaking a peek at her phone when it buzzes in her pocket. She has a text from an unknown number, that just says: "is this Lupe?"

She sends a quick message asking who it is, and the response a minute later makes her roll her eyes (and also makes her stomach twist in a weird way that she pointedly ignores).

How the hell did Jess get her number?

Then it dawns on her.

"Esti...did Jess ask you for my number by any chance?"
Esti just grins mischievously.
Lupe sighs. "And you gave it to her?"
"Maybe...?" she giggles.
"E, you can't just give out my number to random people!"
"But she's not random, she's Jess," she pouts.

Lupe shakes her head and starts typing out a response to Jess.

- you asked my sister for my number?

- oops...guilty. i just wanted to talk to you, but you don't have any social media

Well, there's a very good reason for that. She can't have people from her old school finding her.

- oh, so you've been stalking me?

- you make me sound so underhand, i’m wounded. you don't even know me :((

- okay, fine. what did you want to talk to me about?

- oh, nothing in particular

then, a minute later: i just think we'll get on. maybe we could hang out sometime?

Lupe doesn't know why, but she's typed out her answer and sent it before even thinking about it, a smile on her face, her wish to blend in and not make new friends forgotten for a moment.

- yeah, sure.

-

So, they meet up that weekend. Jess invites her round to her house, which is only about 10 minutes away from Lupe's, as it turns out. Lupe feels strangely nervous as she approaches, knocking on the door with slightly shaking hands.

The door is opened by a tall guy in his early twenties, who must be Jess' brother. He looks so much like her it's almost eerie.

"Um..." Her words fail her as the man stares at her expectantly.

"Sorry, I was...is Jess here? I'm Lupe," she finally manages to say.

His face breaks into an expression of understanding. "JESS?!" he yells. "Lupe's here!"
"Come in," he adds, retreating back into the house.

"Sorry 'bout that, not used to Jess having...” he looks at her curiously “…friends over. Her room's just up the stairs there, go on up."

Did he just...why did he say friends like that?

She doesn’t even know where to begin with processing that one, so she just thanks him and goes upstairs. There's a ladder at the end of the corridor, and Lupe nearly has the fright of her life when Jess appears at the top of it, poking her head through a trapdoor. "Hiya, Lu. Up here."

She climbs the ladder to find that Jess' room is technically in the attic, a spacious yet cosy place. An acoustic guitar sits in the corner next to a few bean bags, and there's a desk covered with scraps of paper and trinkets against one wall. Her school bag has been discarded on her unmade bed, and her wardrobe door is open, revealing a mess of clothes.

"Sorry," she says a little ruefully. "I started tidying up, but...there was a lot of mess to start with."

Lupe tries not to think about her brother's offhand comment that Jess doesn't have friends over often (or the tone he said it in), nor the implication that she wanted it to be tidy for Lupe.

"S'fine, my room's already a pigsty and we’ve only been here a couple of weeks. It's nice in here."

Jess beams. "Thanks! I got the attic room to myself when my oldest brother moved out."

"Is it true you have 5 brothers?"

Jess raises an eyebrow. "Been asking around about me, have you?"

Lupe flushes. "No, just heard it somewhere."
Jess laughs. "Yeah, it's true. I'm the youngest."

"Must have been crazy to grow up with so many siblings. I only have one and that's more than enough."
"Esti seems like a sweetheart, though."
"Don't be fooled by the cuteness, she's a menace when she wants to be."

Jess laughs again, and Lupe gets the strange urge to say something else funny, just to hear it a third time. She realises that she's still just standing there awkwardly, so she dumps her bag in the corner and goes to sit on a bean bag. Jess follows her, sitting opposite.

-

They sit there for hours, chatting and laughing, and Lupe's pleasantly surprised by how easy it is. She genuinely enjoys herself, and sees no trace of the supposedly intimidating Jess she's heard about. The girl in front of her is relaxed and cheerful, and Lupe finds herself accepting an invitation to stay for dinner.

"Come on, Lu, my Pa's the best cook I know."

So she just nods, trying not to feel too nervous about the fact that she's meeting Jess' whole family just a few days after they've become friends. Things like this don't come naturally to her, and she's honestly shocked she's managed to hang out with Jess for so many hours without messing up and saying something stupid that'll make her realise Lupe's a poor choice of friend. Weirdly enough, though, something about Jess feels so familiar, like they met in another life or something. Something about them together just makes sense.

Jess' family is lovely. Her Mom keeps trying to pile more food onto Lupe's plate (to be fair, it's delicious, so it's not exactly a negative), whilst her Dad cracks terrible jokes the whole way through the meal. Every time, Jess rolls her eyes exaggeratedly and looks at Lupe so she can share in her exasperation.

It's silly, really, how quickly Lupe feels at home there. She shouldn't get too attached, she barely knows the girl even if it feels like she does. But still, it was nice to have a real conversation with someone for the first time in ages, and even Jess' brother, the only one of her siblings who still lives at home, instantly treats Lupe like she’s part of the family.

Jess' parents try to persuade her to accept a lift home, but Lupe insists it's only a short walk, not wanting to inconvenience them. Before she leaves, she thanks them for having her, and they tell her she's welcome any time. She stands at the door with Jess, who surprisingly leans in for a hug.
"Thanks for coming, Lu. We should do this again."
Lupe hugs her back. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

On Monday, Jess finds her in the changing room after Phys Ed.
"Hey, Lu."
"Hey."
"Had fun this weekend. I meant to ask you then, actually - how come you're not on any of the school teams?" she asks. "You're good, you should think about joining."

She scoffs. "Nah, I'm alright, thanks. Been there, done that. Recipe for disaster." She sees Jess' curious look and attempts to move the conversation on, but before she can say anything much, Greta walks over.

"Hey Lupe," she says, in an almost sing-song tone.

Lupe's eyes flicker to Jess, confused. "Um, hi?"
"Do you wanna come to my birthday party next month?"

What the fuck is happening? "Oh, that's...very kind of you, Greta, but I don't cope well with big parties."
"There's only gonna be a few of us - Jess, May and Jo, but then I asked Carson and Shirley too. And...you?"

Lupe, baffled, just nods. "Um, sure, if my parents say yes."
Greta smiles. "Excellent. See you later, then."

"What was that about?" Lupe asks, turning to Jess once Greta’s gone.
"Uh, dunno. Anyway, are you gonna go?" she asks, not quite looking Lupe in the eyes.
"Are you?"
"Yeah, I'll be there."
"I'll consider it," she decides. Despite her initial dislike of Greta, she's not used to being invited to things, so her instinct is to say yes. But she still doesn't understand Greta’s sudden friendliness.

She sits with Carson and Shirley again for lunch, and asks them about the party.

"Are you guys gonna go?"
"Of course!" Carson exclaims, practically gushing about how lovely Greta is and how kind it was of her to invite them. If Lupe didn't know any better, she'd say that Shaw's feelings towards Greta seem a little more than friendly, but she doesn't think she's that way inclined.

Shirley, on the other hand, seems a little more reluctant. "I don't know, I mean, do you think they'll be drinking? I've never actually been drunk before."
"It'll be fine, Shirl, we'll be there together. Right, Lu?"
Lupe hums vaguely.
"Sure. Be honest, Shaw - did you ask Greta to invite me?"
Carson shakes her head. "It was probably something to do with Jess, aren't you two friendly? Anyways, are you coming or not? You two can come get ready at my house beforehand if you want."

So Lupe, against her better instincts, agrees to go.

-

In the meantime, Jess and Lupe text almost every day, and even call sometimes too. Lupe goes to Jess' place a couple more times, though she doesn't invite Jess round to hers - she doesn’t need to witness the shitshow that is Lupe’s home life. Somehow, they don't seem to run out of things to say, and Lupe has to lie to Esti about why she keeps grinning at her phone.

It feels like they were meant to be friends, like she's been waiting all her life to finally find someone who gets her. Which seems like a stupid thing to say when she's so young, and she's not known her for that long, but...she just feels so at peace around Jess, in a way she's never experienced before.

If she's honest with herself, she's also been developing a bit of a crush on her, but that’s really just an occupational hazard of lesbianism. What gay person hasn't fallen for their best friend at some point? (If they are best friends, that is. Jess is certainly hers.)

She can't like Jess like that, though, even if she suspects that she’s queer too. But there's nothing stopping them from being friends, right? Lupe has at least some self control. Though it’s difficult to maintain with the way that Jess seems to draw her in without even trying.

She texts Jess a few days before Greta's party, asking what she'll wear and if she should arrive a bit later than the specified time so it's not awkward. Jess calls her almost immediately, her amused face filling up the screen.

"I think you're overthinking this a bit. It's just a party."
"Yeah, but I don't get invited to stuff like this. I haven't been to a party in like, a year and a half."
"How come? Don't they have parties in Dallas?"

Lupe swallows in a futile attempt to get rid of the lump in her throat.
"Whatever, just help me decide on an outfit, okay?"
"Your wish is my command. Show me the options."

So they chat until Lupe has to go and eat dinner, during which her parents comment on her good mood. "Just had a good day at school," she lies.

-

The day of Greta's party eventually rolls around, and Lupe, Shirley and Carson all arrive together.

"So glad you could all make it! Wanna come through? You can dump your stuff in my room."

They follow her to put their things down, then head into the living room, where the others are sat on the floor. Jo and Maybelle are chatting, half-watching some film on the huge TV in the corner, whilst Jess is pouring herself a drink at a table full of snacks. She turns and smiles when she sees them - or rather, when she sees Lupe, which she can't help but feel a little pleased about.

Lupe heads over to greet Jess, and she pulls Lupe into a hug. "Hey, Lu. Want a drink?"
"Yeah, sure." Jess offers her the cup she was holding, and grabs herself a new one. Lupe takes a sip and grimaces. "Jesus, what's in this?"
Jess grins. "Probably most of the stuff here," she says, gesturing to the end of the table covered in bottles.
Lupe snorts and takes another sip. “Never become a bartender.”
Jess just rolls her eyes. “You’re still drinking it, can’t be that bad.”

Lupe looks over to where Greta and Carson are sat together, already oblivious to the world around them, then notices Shirley stood awkwardly near the doorway.

"Gimme a sec," she says to Jess, pouring another drink. She walks over to Shirley, who looks a little doubtful, but Lupe whispers, "Don't worry, it's just lemonade. You don't have to drink if you don't want to."

Shirley nods and takes the cup gratefully. "Thanks, Lu." Maybelle calls her over, then, asking her to settle some friendly dispute she and Jo are having over the movie they’re watching, so Lupe wanders back over to Jess, who drags her over to the bean bags in the corner.

Lupe tries not to pay attention to the way her stomach flips when Jess grabs her wrist.

"Comfiest place to sit," she explains as she pulls Lupe down into the bean bag next to her. Lupe hides her grin by taking another sip of her drink. Jesus, it's strong.

Then she remembers the question she's had on her mind since Greta invited her a few weeks ago.

"Hey, Jess - was it you who got Greta to invite me?"
Jess' cheeks go red, and she looks down at the ground.

Lupe's gonna start thinking the rumours of the scary, standoffish Jess McCready are completely made up soon, because first she's inviting her round and cracking cheesy jokes and texting her non-stop, and now she's blushing. Lupe can't help but chuckle.

"Don't laugh at me! I can get her to kick you out if you're gonna be mean," she teases, a slightly embarrassed smile on her face. It's quite cute, actually.

No, no - they're friends, because she gets on with Jess, and she's not gonna screw things up this time. She loves that they've become close so rapidly, but Lupe knows she has to keep up her end of the promise to her parents by not causing any more trouble. And she suspects that she and Jess together would definitely be defined as trouble by her parents.

Lupe gives her a light shove. "You're not gonna kick me out. What would be the point in conspiring to get me here if you get rid of me 5 minutes after I've arrived?"
Jess pretends to consider. "Fine, I guess you can stay," she concludes.
"So generous."
"I try my best."

-

Later in the evening, Maybelle announces that she wants to play truth or dare. A recipe for disaster if you ask Lupe, but everyone else is sitting down in a circle, so she reluctantly joins them.

"Okay...Greta, you start. Truth or dare?" Jo asks.
"Oh, I don't trust you with a truth question, you know too much. You'll have me revealing where the bodies are hidden," she jokes. "Dare it is."

Greta gets dared to down the rest of her drink, and Lupe is honestly impressed that she manages it if it's anywhere near as strong as hers was.

Maybelle goes next, and is dared to text her ex. As she does it, she murmurs to Lupe, "God, I'm gonna regret this in the morning." Lupe chuckles.

Shirley chooses truth, and is asked to reveal her celebrity crush. Then Carson chooses truth and is given a 'fuck, marry, kill' question with three boys in their year. The only one Lupe knows is this boy called Charlie who's in her history class, but from the way Carson keeps looking at Greta as she answers the question, she doubts she actually has any romantic interest in the guy. Maybe Shaw really is like her.

Jo gets dared to give the group control of her phone for 10 minutes, and chaos ensues. Lupe thinks she might have gotten away with not having a go, but then Maybelle turns to her. "Lu, your turn. Truth or dare?"

Which is more dangerous? Choosing truth is obviously gonna be dicey, but a dare doesn't seem much better - god knows what they’d have her doing. She is certainly not texting her ex, for one. She settles on truth in the end.

"Hmm...what's your biggest secret?"
Fuck. "Ummm...that's a difficult one," she says, hoping it isn't written across her face just how quickly the answer came to mind. Obviously, she's not sharing either of those things.

"May, that's an awful question. What would you even answer for that?" Jess teases, as if she sensed Lupe's inner panic and chose to deflect attention away from her. Thank god for that.

Maybelle laughs. "Fair enough...okay, new question. What are the top three qualities you'd look for in a boyfriend?"
Lupe almost laughs - she's clearly done a good job at blending in if these girls think she's gonna date a man - but then stops to actually think about it. Her eyes dart to Jess, who sat up a little straighter when Maybelle asked the question, listening intently.

"Uh...okay." She thinks of her conversations with Jess. "I guess I'd want to date someone who makes me laugh." She pauses, thinking about her offer to look out for Esti. "Someone...thoughtful. And..." She thinks of the question she was asked initially. "Someone trustworthy."

Maybelle grins. "Aww, we should find you a boy from school!"
Lupe thinks she sees Jess raise an eyebrow at that, but she says nothing, and the moment passes. Jo chimes in.

"Okay, Jess. Your turn."
Lupe expects her to choose dare, but she glances at Lupe before answering, "Truth."
"Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?" Jo asks.

There's a moment where Jo and Jess seem to communicate without speaking, which results in Jo looking on triumphantly as Jess admits, "Yes."

And Lupe isn't proud of the spark of jealousy that jolts through her, but she can't help it. Knowing she can't have Jess doesn't make her want her less.

"Oh my gosh, who?!" Maybelle demands. But Jess shakes her head, cheeks slightly pink. "That wasn't part of the question."
Maybelle groans. "Spoilsport."
Jess laughs and drains the rest of her drink, standing up to get a refill. The others have mostly started chatting, the game seemingly over, as Jess asks Lupe if she wants anything.
"Sure," she nods. Jess offers a hand to help her up and they head back over to the drinks table.

And if Lupe was sober, she'd probably have left it, but the last couple of drinks have given her just enough courage to ask, "Come on then, who's the mystery person that's charmed you?" She hopes Jess will hear the implication behind the gender neutral language, and perhaps clarify what Lupe already suspects, but she shrugs and answers vaguely, "Just someone from school."

Lupe rolls her eyes. "I could've guessed that. Is it someone I know?"
"Yeah, you do. Pretty sure Jo already knew the answer, too. Evil." She shakes her head fondly.
"Aw, come on, I wanna know the gossip too," Lupe whines.
Jess laughs. "You're funny when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk!" she huffs indignantly.
"Sure you're not." Jess tries and fails to hide how amused she is.
"Shut up," Lupe grumbles, but inside she's delighted whenever she makes Jess smile.

The others have started watching a movie, but Jess heads back to the beanbags where they sat earlier, so of course Lupe follows.

This time they're sat much closer together, and Lupe's heart beats a little faster when Jess leans her head on her shoulder and yawns. "Tired," she mumbles. Lupe hums in agreement, though she suspects the sudden calm feeling that's settled over her is more of a side effect of Jess' presence than her lack of sleep.

When she wakes up, Lupe has what can only be described as a gay panic (which, combined with a pounding headache, is really not ideal). She and Jess fell asleep leaning against each other, and she doesn't know whether to stay still or move and risk waking Jess. She eventually moves, scared that someone else will wake up from where they're passed out on the sofa or the floor and get the wrong idea.

She goes to grab her bag from where she left it in Greta's room, and finds her there, speaking to Carson. The frown on Greta's face vanishes as she turns and says good morning to Lupe. Carson looks a mixture of pained and afraid. "You okay, Shaw?" she asks.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Utterly unconvincing.
"Okay...I just came to get my bag, sorry..." she says, grabbing it and scurrying away from whatever she just interrupted.

She decides to just walk home, and texts Greta to thank her, not wanting to intrude on her conversation a second time. She'll text Carson to check if she's okay later, once she's not at Greta's house. Lupe knows she could wait and walk home with Jess, but she can't quite bring herself to. She’ll blame it on her headache.

Later, she gets a text from Jess.

- you left without me :((((((

- sorry, had to get home

- i'm just messing with you, Garcia. was wondering, though, do you wanna stay round mine next weekend? we could have a study session in the afternoon (boring, I know) and then just hang out in the evening?

Lupe says yes without even thinking about it.

-

On Saturday, though, Lupe wakes up to the sound of knocking on her bedroom door. Esti walks in, tears streaming down her face, and explains some drama concerning her classmates which resulted in her falling out with her best friend. Lupe tries to reassure her, but she knows this is a big deal to her, and that words probably aren't that helpful right now.

"Okay, E. Why don't we have a movie day together? We can stay in our PJs and eat snacks and distract ourselves from anything sad, yeah?"

Esti nods, still sniffling slightly.
"Great, let me just call Jess a second, and then I'll be ready."

"Hey, Jess - I'm really sorry, but Esti's upset about some school drama and I said I'd spend the day with her to cheer her up. Can we reschedule?"
"Yeah, of course. Unless...you can bring her here, if you want? If it’s not a sisters-only day, I mean, she might enjoy spending time with both of us."

Lupe would love it if Jess could stop being so goddamn sweet, because it's making it much harder to not get too close to her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, course."
"Thanks Jess, that's...really kind of you. I guess we'll see you soon, then."

She hangs up, and turns to Esti. "You're invited to come with me to Jess' house, if you wanna go?"
Esti beams and rushes off to get changed. Lupe will take that as a yes, then.

Lupe checks that it's okay with her parents, and her mum agrees to swing by and pick Esti up on her way home from work, so they walk to Jess' house together.

Esti knocks on the door, turning back to grin at Lupe, and her happiness is a little infectious.
Jess' Mom opens the door, and immediately pulls Lupe in for a hug. "How have you been, sweetheart? Lovely to see you. And this must be the famous Esti!" she gushes, smiling as Esti looks up at her shyly. Lupe's kind of used to her friends' parents disapproving of her, so Jess' family's treatment is still surprising (though far from unwelcome).

"Go on through, girls, she'll be in her room. Help yourselves to drinks or snacks."

Lupe leads her sister upstairs, and Esti's mouth drops open when she sees the ladder to Jess' room. "Oh my gosh, she basically lives in a tower! She's like a princess or something."

Lupe snorts. She's not sure how Jess would feel being called a princess, but it's a sweet sentiment all the same. "You wanna climb up first?"

Esti nods eagerly, and Lupe follows. Esti's already talking Jess' ear off by the time Lupe reaches the top of the ladder, saying how cool her house is and how she wishes she lived here.

"Hey, are you replacing me with Jess?" Lupe jokes. Esti pretends to consider it, and Jess cackles. Then Esti notices Jess' guitar, and rushes over to look at it, glancing back at Jess to ask permission to touch it. She nods, so Esti picks it up. "Will you teach me to play something, Jess?" she pleads, and Jess, the pushover that she is, agrees.

Lupe can't help but smile. Esti's earlier stress has been forgotten, and she looks like a little kid at Christmas. It's surprisingly wholesome to see her so relaxed and carefree, in a way she hasn't been for years, despite her young age. And Jess...the way she treats Esti, so gentle and understanding, is ridiculously sweet.

They pass the day chatting and gossiping, eating pizza and lounging around. Esti begs them to paint her nails, so they borrow some silver nail polish from Jess' brother. Esti even teaches Jess a few words in Spanish, and Lupe can't stop laughing at her terrible pronunciation. She pays for it, though, when the two of them team up against her and tease her ruthlessly. It's actually pretty fun to spend the day with Esti and Jess, Lupe thinks. They're probably two of her favourite people.

When their mom arrives to pick Esti up, she doesn't want to go.

Lupe gets it, she really does; Jess' house is so opposite to their own, in a way that feels almost magical. Their parents have always provided for them both, fought to make sure they have everything they need, but...in terms of affection, they're somewhat lacking, and she and Esti are used to walking on eggshells in their own home.

Jess gives Esti a hug. "You're welcome back any time, kid."
Esti brightens up a little. "Really? Thanks, Jess. I'll see you at school."
She gives Lupe a hug too (much less affectionate though - rude!) before leaving.

"Thanks for inviting her, really. She had a lot of fun, I haven't seen her like that in ages."
"Ah, it's nothing. I know she's found school a bit up and down recently. From what she's said, though, I think it's getting better."

Lupe nods, relieved. "Good. She doesn't really talk to me about it much, so...thanks."
Jess shakes her head. "Honestly, it's fine. You don't have to keep thanking me."

Lupe runs a hand through her hair, embarrassed. "Just take the compliment, McCready."
She rolls her eyes. "Fine, fine. Anyway, what do you wanna do now?"
"Don't mind. Honestly, I'm kinda tired."
"Alright, wanna watch a movie or something?"

Lupe nods, and goes to get changed in the bathroom. By the time she gets back, Jess is sat in bed with her laptop resting on the covers. She beckons Lupe over, and she sits next to her, trying not to look as nervous as she feels. Last time they were this close, she had the excuse of being slightly tipsy, but now she's sober it seems a lot more daunting.

They end up bingeing several episodes of Brooklyn 99, since they started rewatching it together a few weeks ago, and they get to the episode where Rosa comes out to her parents. Jess sighs. "I can't believe some people care about this shit. Like, when I came out to my parents they were completely unfazed. To be fair, they probably guessed years before, but still."

Lupe feels like all the air's been sucked out of the room. She thought (selfishly, she hoped) that Jess might be queer too, but hearing her say it so casually is...well, she doesn't know how to feel about it. Then she realises she hasn't responded, having gotten lost in her thoughts.

Jess is watching her intently. "Lu? Did...I thought you knew I was a lesbian. It doesn't bother you, does it?" And despite Jess' usual confidence, Lupe detects a hint of fear in her voice.

"No, of course not," she rushes to reassure her. "I...like girls, too." Jesus. She's never actually said those words out loud.
Jess breathes out. "Okay. Cool."
Lupe snorts. "Cool?"
"Yeah, cool. I don't know, what am I supposed to say?" she laughs.

Lupe shakes her head. "Idiot," she says fondly, shoving Jess lightly. The idea of coming out always had so much weight attached in her head; with the news that you're queer, there often comes a ton of assumptions and stereotypes, and it's a surprising but pleasant realisation that it could be so simple.

"It's more common than you'd think, though," Lupe adds.
Jess looks at her, confused. "What, being gay?"
Lupe grins. "Well, yes, but that wasn't what I meant. You said about people not being accepting. And, y'know, my parents threatened to kick me out when they found out.”
Jess looks at her in shock. "Holy shit, Lu, I'm sorry. I- what happened?"

Lupe shrugs. "Long story." A story she's afraid to share. She's scared of how Jess will react, mainly, but also scared of the effect it'll have on her, to relive everything that happened in Dallas.
Jess pulls her in for a side hug. "Well, I'd be happy to listen if you ever wanna share it."
"Maybe."

She's a little disappointed when Jess leans back into her previous position, but she forces herself to watch the show. After a little while, though, her mind starts racing.

"Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"You know at Greta's party - the truth question Jo asked you?"
"Mmhmm?"
"Who was it you were talking about?"
Jess flushes. "Nosy," she jokes, clearly avoiding the question.

A small burst of hope jolts through Lupe. Maybe...?
No, she's not supposed to get involved, she can't think like that after last time, it's too risky. And yet...

"Come onnn," she teases.
Jess shakes her head. "No, you'll make fun of me."
Lupe raises an eyebrow. "Why would I make fun of you? Oh my god, it's someone we're friends with, isn't it?"

God, she hopes not. Because Lupe has her suspicions about a few of their friends, and if she's right, they might actually want to date Jess, and then they'll be all cutesy and annoying in front of her and she’ll have to pretend to be fine with it and it'll be a nightmare-

"Look, if I say yes, will you stop?"
"Honestly? Probably not."
Jess rolls her eyes. "She's not...I think she likes someone else."
"Can you at least tell me who you think she likes?"
"I thought, maybe...Carson?"
Lupe frowns. Then it dawns on her. "Oh my god, is it Greta?"
Jess laughs. "No, but I'm glad you agree that there's something going on there."
"Just tell me," Lupe pleads. "You know I'll just keep annoying you about it.”

Jess sighs deeply and turns to face Lupe. But instead of saying anything, she just lets her gaze flicker down to Lupe's lips, then back up to her eyes.
Oh.
Oh.
A faint voice in her head tells her that she shouldn't be doing this, that she's not supposed to... that she's not...

She leans in and kisses Jess, who almost immediately reaches up to tangle a hand in Lupe's hair. Lupe's hands find Jess' waist, and she feels Jess grin against her lips. Holy shit, Lupe thinks, before her brain goes offline.

Jess eventually pulls away, her cheeks flushed pink. “Fuck, okay. Um. So, I like you, in case that wasn't clear," she says, voice almost shy. It's pretty cute, actually.

Lupe laughs in disbelief. "I like you too." She hopes she sounds normal, but all her thoughts are a mess of holy fuck I kissed Jess Jess kissed me oh my god she likes me what the fuck ahhh and it's a little distracting.

Then she finally catches up.
"Hold on. You thought I liked Carson?!"
"Okay, in my defence, you weren't exactly obvious! I freaked out earlier because I thought I'd read things wrong and you were straight."

Lupe bites her lip. "Sorry, I was trying to act casual. You make me a bit nervous."
Jess smirks.
"Hey, shut it, I said a bit. Most of the time you're annoying as hell," she teases.
"And yet, you like me anyway," Jess grins, looking so goddamn pleased with herself, and Lupe can't resist kissing her again.
When they pull apart, Jess whispers, "I can't believe this is real."
Lupe feels like she's floating. "Neither can I," she admits.

"We should probably talk properly about...us."
Jess nods. "Sure. In the morning, though," she adds, leaning her head on Lupe's shoulder.
"In the morning," Lupe agrees, pressing a kiss to Jess' forehead. She finds Jess' hand and links it with her own, intertwining their fingers, and Jess squeezes her hand gently. They fall asleep leaning against one another, sleepy smiles illuminated by the soft glow of the laptop screen.

-

Jess always wakes up absurdly early, and the next day is no exception. Lupe wakes up, too, given how they slept, and she just stares at Jess for a second, wondering if she dreamed it all. But then Jess kisses her cheek and asks if she wants breakfast, and Lupe can't stop the smile from creeping across her face.

But then reality hits her, and she remembers that she wasn't supposed to let this happen. Fuck.
Jess must pick up on the change in her expression, since she looks at her worriedly. "You okay, Lu? Do you wanna talk about yesterday? If you...regret it that's fine," she reassures her, though she looks crestfallen at the thought.

"No! No, I- I don't regret it at all. I just...I wasn't supposed to-" she cuts herself off, unable to voice the mess of emotions she's feeling.
"You weren't supposed to...?" Jess prompts, confusion clear on her face.

Lupe sighs. She doesn't know where to start. But, strangely, she wants Jess to know.

"Can I tell you something?"
"Yeah, 'course you can."
"It's- you might not see me the same way if I do," Lupe warns. “It’s kind of a big deal.” A fucking massive deal, actually.
Jess looks at her quizzically. She reaches for Lupe's hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. "Go ahead."

So she tells Jess about Dallas. About the girl she thought she could trust, the one who broke her heart. How she’d thrown Lupe under the bus when her friends saw them together, and the way they'd bullied her. The girls on her old baseball team had been the worst, whispering about how she was a freak and refusing to be near her in the locker room. What hurt most was that Lupe knew she couldn't be the only queer person on the team, that some of these girls were probably staying silent for fear they'd receive the same treatment. That, and how her parents had been so ashamed of her, so disgusted that a child of theirs could turn out “that way”.

She tells Jess about him. How she saw him as the solution, how she dated him and even slept with him to fit in, when she knew it wasn't right. He was from a different school, far enough removed not to know the rumours about her, but he heard them eventually. He'd been furious when he found out she was pregnant, blaming her for everything, but his anger never even came close to how terrified she had felt.

She tells Jess how someone found out, and how it made things ten times worse. She stopped going to school, and her parents ended up sending her to her Aunt's once she started showing. It’s hard for her to remember that time; she's never felt so depressed. In trying to please everyone, she'd become a pariah, a disappointment, a cautionary tale. And she wasn’t prepared for the physical and emotional toll it would take. When she had the baby, and her parents insisted she give her up, Lupe felt intense relief - followed by crushing guilt. It's not like she ever could have kept her, 17 years old and not even out of school, but she's still afraid that one day, her daughter will find her and demand answers. And she thinks it might just break her.

"Esti still doesn't know," Lupe admits, needing to finish the story before Jess says anything. She's been silent so far, letting Lupe get to the end, but she can tell she's itching to speak. "My parents told her I went to a summer camp whilst I was with my Aunt, and we weren't at the same school back then. And they didn't want her to find out her big sister's a 'degenerate', as they so kindly put it."

"Shit."
"Yeah."
"Lu, I'm so sorry..."

Lupe waves a hand dismissively. "It's fine. It was my own fault really, if I'd just been more careful-"
"Are you kidding me? According to who? The dickheads at your old school? Your parents? You know better than to listen to them," Jess says, like it's obvious. "Fuck, I'm not good with words, but. I'm sorry that happened to you. And of course I don't see you any differently. I'm glad you told me."

And now Lupe's mortified, because she's seconds away from crying all over Jess despite holding it together so far, but Jess has just accepted it, acted like Lupe's not a weirdo or a curiosity or something to be pitied. She takes an unsteady breath in, and Jess reaches up a hand to cradle her cheek.

And that's it, she's crying, hot tears flowing down her face. Is it shame, or regret, or something unnameable? She doesn't know, but it doesn't matter, because now Jess is hugging her, wrapping her arms around Lupe and holding her together when it feels like she might just fall apart.

She hadn't realised just how lonely it had been, dealing with the weight of it all alone. Her parents won't let her talk about it, and she's not in contact with anyone from her old school.

When they finally pull apart, Lupe sighs. This is going to be the hardest part, somehow.

"Jess, I- I really like you, but I can't be with you. I can't go through all that again, I don't know if I'd survive it. But I couldn't ask you to keep it - us - a secret, it would be unfair. And Esti's only just starting to settle in at school, I don't want her to get shit from her classmates because of me. It's all just...complicated. I'm sorry, I just...we shouldn't do this."

"Says who?"
"Huh?"
"Says who," Jess repeats calmly. "I get it, I do, and I don't wanna trivialise your feelings but...it doesn't have to be so difficult. I don't mind keeping us a secret, at school at least. I mean, in an ideal world we wouldn't have to, but I know people can be shit. I've never really come out properly at school, but I've never gone out of my way to hide it either, and people are mostly okay because I haven't given them any 'confirmation', or whatever, but...I still get stared at sometimes, y'know? I know people spread rumours about me, too, I just had to stop listening or I wouldn't have been able to cope. I haven't even actively come out to most of my friends, although if they don't know by now I'll have to start questioning how smart they are. So, I understand. And I swear I'm okay with keeping it quiet. You're worth it. Plus, it’s not like we would be overly affectionate at school anyway, so it's not a big deal."

Lupe pauses. Jess always seems so confident, it's kind of surprising to hear that the scrutiny gets to her too. And it's hard to believe that Jess thinks she's worth the trouble, but...when she puts it like that, it does sound pretty simple.

"But...are you sure? I mean, aren't you at all freaked out by anything I just said?"
Jess shrugs. "Honestly? I'm a little surprised, of course I am, but...I don't mind. I meant what I said, I don't see you any differently. You're still you."
"Really?"

Jess smirks. "Yup, still a pain in the ass."
Lupe shoots her a death stare, but Jess carries on. "You're still grumpy, and stubborn, and-"
"Alright, I get the point!"
"No, I'm not finished. You're also smart, and funny, and sweet, and beautiful-"
"Even when my eyes are all red and my nose is running?" Lupe jokes.
But Jess just nods seriously. "Even then."

Lupe feels her cheeks go bright red.
"I don't know what to say," she mumbles.

Jess grins. "You know, I've got an idea. Maybe - if you want to - you could ask me to be your girlfriend?"

Lupe glares at her, but it's an utterly unconvincing display of annoyance because a smile is already overtaking her face.
"Okay...will you be my girlfriend?"

Jess pretends to think about it, and Lupe shoves her. "The offer is time-sensitive, so you'd better respond quickly before it disappears," she teases.
"Fine, I guess I'll go out with you."
"You guess? Wow, you flatter me."
"I already did that, I need to balance it out with some teasing," Jess reasons.

Lupe snorts, but then she hesitates.
"Jess?"
"Mmm? "
"Thank you for listening. Like, properly listening. You're the best person I know, seriously. I don't even know why I was so scared to tell you."

It's the most genuine she can force herself to be after the raw conversation they just had, but she knows Jess gets it when she squeezes her hand.

Just then, there's a knock at the trapdoor leading to Jess' room. "Jess? Lupe? Do you two want some breakfast?"
Jess glances down at their intertwined hands, and calls out "We'll come downstairs in a sec!"

As they hear her Mom's footsteps retreat, Lupe says, "You know I don't mind if your parents know about us, right?"
Jess raises an eyebrow. "Really? Are you sure?"
"Jess, I think your family's known longer than we have. Your brother basically implied we were more than friends when I first met him."
"WHAT?!" she exclaims. "I didn't even say anything to him, he- the sneaky bastard."
Lupe laughs. "Well, he did end up being right."
"True that," Jess says with a smirk. Then her face goes serious for a second. "So...it's okay if I tell them?"
"Don't see why not."

Jess beams. "And...can I kiss you again?" she asks, more tentatively this time.
Lupe gently cups the back of her head in answer, and pulls her in for a kiss, sweet and unhurried. She could get used to this.

Jess looks an endearing mixture of smug and shy when she pulls away. "Wanna go get breakfast?" she asks.
Lupe nods, and as they head downstairs, she grabs Jess' hand. "This okay?" she checks. Jess smiles in answer.

It takes them far longer than usual to make toast, because they keep getting distracted by, well, each other. It's so new and exciting, yet so natural at the same time. Lupe can hardly believe they haven't been doing this the whole time.

They eat their breakfast, both grinning absurdly. When Lupe has to leave, Jess kisses her like she's heading to war.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she says, a little embarrassed but clearly pleased with herself.

Lupe walks home with a spring in her step.

-

The next time Lupe goes to Jess' house, she's greeted by Jess' Dad. "Lupe! Great to see you. Julia, she's here!"

Jess' Mom rushes into the hallway and throws her arms around her. "Here she is! How are you? Jess told us the news! I'm so pleased for you both, she's always so happy when you're around-"

"Mom! Don't be embarrassing," Jess complains, though she's clearly trying not to smile. "And let her go, she's barely taken five steps into the house before you've taken her hostage."

Lupe smiles. "It's fine, I don't mind. Thank you, Mrs McCready."
Jess' Dad shakes his head. "Come on, you don't have to call us by our last names, you're family."
Lupe blushes. "I- thank you."

Jess intervenes then, grabbing Lupe's hand and dragging her away from her parents. "Okay, stop swarming my girlfriend," she jokes, leading her upstairs. Lupe almost melts at her use of the word ‘girlfriend’, but really, who can blame her?

"Sorry, I probably should've texted you in advance. They're quite excited," she says drily. "My Mom started crying when I told her. She's never met anyone I've dated before, and she already loves you, so...anyway, sorry if they were a bit much."
"I don't mind, really, they're so sweet," Lupe replies. "I'm glad they like me." She means it, too - it's indescribable, the feeling of being so easily accepted by them, of being deemed part of the family.

They do some homework at first, but after a while they decide they need a break, so they start looking for a movie to watch.

Lupe's sat on one of the bean bags with Jess' laptop, searching for something she thinks Jess will like, when she looks up to see Jess looking at her thoughtfully.

"You good?"
"Do you like people touching your hair?" Jess asks curiously.

Lupe shrugs. "I don't know, no-one ever really does. I hate getting it cut, but that's mostly 'cause it's never in a style I actually want."

Jess just nods, so Lupe goes back to her search, eventually finding something to put on. But as the movie begins, Jess’ words replay in her head.

She tentatively leans to place her head in Jess' lap. Jess exhales slowly, before smoothing a hand over Lupe's hair. She twirls one of her dark curls round her finger, and continues absent-mindedly playing with her hair as the movie goes on. Lupe feels so relaxed like this - it's oddly soothing. She leans up to kiss Jess, who smiles as she does so.
"What was that for?"
"Just happy I'm here."
Jess hums in agreement as Lupe lies back down.

-

They've been dating for a couple of months now, and Lupe's mostly stopped worrying that Jess doesn't genuinely care about her. There's a slight nagging fear sometimes, but...deep down, she knows Jess is different to the people from her old school. The trust between them was there before they got together, but now it exists in so many different ways, their new intimacy a welcome gift. And Jess seems determined to prove to her that she's worth the hassle - no, better, that it's no hassle to do nice things for her, that Jess enjoys it.

Lupe's still not ready to join any sports teams, but she has started going to some games, cheering on their friends with Carson and Shirley.

One week, when Jess has played in two important matches within a few days, Lupe buys her flowers.

"What are these for?" Jess asks, looking genuinely bewildered as Lupe hands her a bouquet of peach-coloured roses.

"They're for you. It's been a stressful week for you, and I'm proud of you, so...flowers. If you don't like them that's fine, I wasn't sure if you'd want them, but-"
"Lu," Jess interjects, looking almost bashful. "I love them. Thank you."
Lupe sighs with relief. "I'm glad."
"Nobody's ever bought me flowers before," Jess murmurs.
"Well, I know we probably don't follow a lot of the like, traditional dating rules and stuff, but they’re pretty and...you deserve to have nice things, so-"

Jess cuts her off with a kiss, sweet and unhurried, which still has the ability to make Lupe's stomach flutter.

She realises then that Jess probably appreciates the reassurance that Lupe's just as fond of Jess as she is of Lupe. Neither of them are great at saying it, but Jess is a little better at talking about it than Lupe, raised in a more affectionate home.

"Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"I really like you."
"I should hope so," Jess jokes, but Lupe can see that her cheeks are tinged pink.

Lupe rolls her eyes. "Seriously, though, I- I kind of had this idea that I was out of luck, y'know? So much shit happened last year, and I thought maybe that was a punishment or something, like I used up all the good stuff and it was just bad luck from there. But..." she takes a deep breath. "I think you're my good luck."

When Jess speaks, her voice sounds watery, like she's on the verge of tears. She swallows. "Thanks, Lu. I think you might be my good luck, too."

-

She doesn't know how they find out. One minute she's getting changed after Phys Ed next to Jess, and the next some girl in their class walks up to them, a grimace on her face. Lupe's pretty sure she's spoken all of 5 words to her ever, so she's kind of confused but thinks little of it. Maybe she knows Jess, since she's mainly looking at her.

"Is it true, then?"
"Sorry?" Jess looks completely baffled.

"I heard that you and her are like...dating," she continues, with a jerk of her head towards Lupe.

Lupe's blood runs cold, and for an awful minute it feels like she's back in Dallas. Jess isn't looking at her, instead she's just staring at the girl, expression carefully neutral, but she looks even paler than usual.

"Who told you that?" Lupe hears herself ask.
The girl shrugs. "It's just what everyone's saying."

Sensing she's not going to get an answer from either of them, she drifts off back to her friends, leaving both of them there, unable to speak. The locker room is nearly empty anyway, most of the girls already finished changing, so they wait until the rest of them leave before they talk.

"How did they find out? I- we weren't obvious or anything-" Jess mumbles.
Lupe shakes her head, feeling strangely numb. "I don't know, I- maybe someone saw us out together or something, I don't- It doesn't matter, either way, because it's just gonna be a repeat of last time-"

"Hey, hey, come on. It's all gonna be fine, I mean, how many people are even gonna care? We're not that exciting," she jokes, but Lupe can hear the fear in her voice. They know how the world treats people like them. Things should be different by now, but they so often aren’t.

Still, she agrees, because she wants it to be true. "Yeah, you're right. It'll be fine," she says, with a sense of confidence that neither of them are really feeling.

It's not fine, though, not at all. Not when a boy loudly whispers about how his Dad says 'it' spreads, or a girl murmurs that she'd rather die than be 'like that'. Lupe sees Jess tense up when someone in the corridor talks about how they “should have known that she was a dyke”. This particular person seems unaware that she was so close, seems almost regretful when they realise she heard, but...the damage is done, and plenty more people intend for them to hear their jabs and insults. Like the person who comments that they don’t understand why lesbians don’t just date men, since they “all dress like men anyway.”

How original, Lupe thinks. She’s aching to correct all these people, to not let their ignorance slide, but the where would she even begin?

More than anything, she wants to comfort Jess, to pull her close, but she knows that would only make the comments worse.

She sees Jess' carefully crafted facade, of a girl who doesn't care what anyone else thinks, start to crumble in the face of such intense scrutiny.

It's one thing to know that people find you weird, abnormal even, so long as they leave you alone, because you don't have to listen to them. But Lupe sees a thousand little comments eat away at Jess throughout the day, leaving her less and less sure of herself.

And Lupe is just as uncomfortable, of course, but she's more used to it. As much as she feels like shit, her heart aches for Jess, who curls in on herself more and more. Kids can be cruel, sure, but they're nearly adults now, which Lupe thinks might be worse. Adults know the weight behind their words, know where to hit the hardest.

The fact that Jess and Lupe haven't even done anything wrong is little comfort to them as they eat their lunch in the corner of the field. Jess had muttered something about not wanting to see their friends, not yet, and Lupe gets it. She's fairly sure they'd be supportive, but even so, neither of them really want uncertain reassurances or worried glances, right now. They just need to get through the day.

When gets home, she rushes upstairs and tells her parents she feels ill, giving her an excuse to skip dinner and hide out in her room. She's somehow numb and completely overwhelmed with emotions at the same time, switching between rage and grief and panic. She lies there, phone on silent, tears flowing down her face, until she falls asleep.

-

The next day, she tells her Mom that she still feels ill, and is apparently convincing enough because she lets her stay home. She spends about half an hour pacing, trying not to think about any of it, but it's impossible.

So she does what she always does when she's stressed. She messages Jess.

- are you at school?

The reply comes back almost immediately.

- no. you?

- no

She hesitates, before asking: can I come over?

- please do
- my mom and dad are out

When Lupe arrives, Jess opens the door like she's been waiting for her.

"Lu." Jess says her name like it's synonymous with 'Thank god'.

She pulls her through the door and in for a hug, burying her face in her neck.
"Jess."

She's not sure how long they stay like that - long enough for her heart rate to slow to a more normal pace, at least.

They go upstairs, and Jess falls back onto her bed. Lupe lies down next to her, staring up at the ceiling.

"Are you okay?" Lupe murmurs, unsure if it's the right question to ask since she already knows the answer. Jess says nothing.

"Come on, baby, talk to me."
Jess turns so she's on her side looking at Lupe, and Lupe swivels to mirror her.

"I don't know what to do," she confesses, sounding utterly distraught.

Lupe reaches out to take her hand. Jess gives her a shaky smile and carries on.

"I wasn't prepared for people's view of me to change so much, y'know? And the amount of people who just stared at us like we were in a fucking zoo. I can't stand it."

Lupe leans in to press their foreheads together. Jess closes her eyes and breathes in deeply.

"I know, I get it. I'm sorry, this is all my fault," Lupe says.
Jess frowns, opening her eyes. "What are you on about, Lu?"

"I shouldn’t have dragged you into my mess, I mean, my parents always say trouble follows wherever I go. If I hadn't gotten close to you, this wouldn't be happening, and you could have had control over how and when you came out-"

"So could you. We both decided to take that risk, okay? I can't believe you'd say that, Lu. I could never regret having you in my life."

"But look what's happened!" Lupe frets. "I- maybe we shouldn't do this anymore." The words are borne out of Lupe's pain at seeing how distressed Jess is, but Jess sits up like she's been electrocuted, and Lupe realises she may have made things worse.

"What?"

Lupe sits up too.
"I hate seeing you like this, Jess. I can't stand the thought of people treating you like they were yesterday, and if we stop hanging out it might not be so bad." She feels guilty even as she says it, but what other options do they have?

"Don't say that," Jess pleads. "I don't want to lose you because of them. I can deal with it, I- I won't talk to you at school if you don't want me to, but can't we stay together?"

Lupe shakes her head out of resignation. "My parents can't find out that I've messed things up here again - god, they'd fucking kill me. And the more people talk about this...I can't have people finding out more about me, or why I moved here. The more attention there is on me, the more likely it'll all come out. Everything with the baby..." Her throat feels like it's closing up. "I can't go through that all again. I think it would break me."

Tears are streaming down Jess' cheeks now.
"Believe me, the last thing I want is to hurt you," Lupe says.

Jess wipes a hand across her eyes roughly. "Please...we can deal with it together. Tell me what to do to make it right-"

"No, Jess, it won't work! It was never going to work. You're just too preoccupied with some fantasy to see it."

Jess takes a sharp intake of breath, as if Lupe's words caused a physical injury. "You don't mean that. I know you care about me, you're just scared, and I get it, but everyone already knows, so why can't we at least have this?"

"Of course I fucking care about you! I'm doing this because I love you too much to keep lying to you about what this is."

Heat rises in Jess' cheeks. "You love me?"

Fuck, Lupe hadn't meant to reveal that one. She hadn't even thought about it, just said it, natural as breathing, because that's how it feels to love Jess.

She swallows. "It doesn't matter anymore."
"But what about us?" Jess is practically begging now, and Lupe's resolve nearly shatters.

"There is no us. There can't be," she says simply.

Jess flinches like she's been hit. After a vey long pause, she says, so low Lupe barely hears her: "Please get out."
Lupe can't make herself move, what's wrong with her, she's just sat there stunned like she's forgotten how-

"Lupe." That tone of voice, pained and bitter, jolts her back to reality. "I want you to leave."

This time, Lupe does as she's told.

She runs all the way home, ignoring the searing pain of a stitch. God, what has she done?
She opens the door, rushing up to her room just a minute or two before she hears her father's car pull up outside the house.

She pretends to be asleep when he comes in to check on her, only letting the tears fall once he's gone back downstairs. For the second time in as many days, she cries herself to sleep.

-

Lupe wakes with a start, bleary eyed and disoriented. She fell asleep in the middle of the day, and she must have been exhausted, because it's nearly 4 o'clock.

Oh shit. Esti will be home any minute. She managed to avoid her last night, but now she’s going to have to face her. God knows what she's heard at school, and now Lupe can't control how she hears any of it-

A knock on her bedroom door jolts her out of her spiral.

"Lu? Can I come in?"

Fuck, she can't do this right now. She can't lose Jess and her sister in one day.
She stays silent, hoping Esti will just leave her alone.
"Lu? Please, I know you're in there."
"Go away, Esti," Lupe says, with a slight wobble in her voice. Her throat feels rusty as she speaks.

Esti sighs deeply, but Lupe hears her footsteps retreating from her bedroom door.

-

Later that evening, though, Lupe can't take the suspense anymore. She leaves her room for what feels like the first time in years and tiptoes across the hallway to knock on Esti's door.

"Come in."

Lupe pokes her head around the door. "Sorry for being grumpy earlier," she begins, looking at the floor. "Could I maybe...sleep in here?"

Esti pulls her covers aside for Lupe to climb into bed next to her. It's impractical, really, especially since Lupe's bed across the hall is bigger and would be more comfortable for both of them, but it's also oddly reassuring.

"You weren't really ill today, were you?" Esti murmurs.
Lupe shakes her head, though she did spend half the day feeling like utter shit. "Not in the way you're thinking, no."
Esti hums in acknowledgement. "You gonna tell me what's up?"
Lupe laughs bitterly. "You haven't already heard about it at school?"
"I've heard some things," Esti admits. "I wanna hear it from you."
"Why?"
"Because there's always more to a story than other people's gossip, and you're my sister and I'm worried about you," she says in a rush.
Lupe smiles briefly, grateful that Esti's on her side - at least for now, anyway.

"Well...I guess I should start with last summer.”

She pauses. “I wasn't at a summer camp, I was...pregnant. Mom and Dad sent me away to have the baby, and she was given up for adoption." Fuck, it’s still hard to say those words.

Esti's watching her, clearly shocked but not seeming horrified or disgusted, so she continues.

"But I only really got a boyfriend because I thought it would make people at school leave me alone. Before him, there was a girl..." she steals another glance at Esti, who seems to just be listening intently "...and we dated, but her friends found out and started picking on me."

Well, it's a watered down version, but it'll have to do because Lupe's heart is already beating worryingly fast, anticipating Esti's reaction.
Esti shakes her head. "I can't believe you didn't tell me."
Lupe feels a twinge of guilt. "I'm sorry, Mom and Dad didn't want you to be involved."
"Okay, fine, but - you must have been so scared, I could have supported you!"

God, Esti always knows what to say to break down Lupe's defences. She's dangerously close to crying, tears threatening at the corners of her eyes.
"I didn't know how you'd react. To any of it."
Esti seems to understand what Lupe's hinting at. "You thought I'd care that you're a lesbian?" She sounds hurt. "I mean, I care, but it doesn't bother me. I'm sorry you ever felt like you had to hide that part of yourself."

And that's it, Lupe's gone, crying into Esti's shoulder like she's a little kid. It seems this is becoming a habit.

"People at school just made me feel like I was disgusting, like they weren't safe around me, and...I never wanted you to look at me like that," she explains through her tears. "And I didn't want things to get worse for you at school here."

Esti wraps her arms around Lupe. "Lu, I love you so much. I couldn't care less what those small-minded idiots think."
Lupe huffs out a laugh.
"Have you really not talked to anyone else about any of it in all this time?" Esti asks tentatively.
God. Jess.
Well, Esti knows everything else. Might as well share this too.

"Actually, one other person knows," she tells her.
Esti sits up. "Who?"
"I told Jess...when we started dating."
Esti’s eyes widen. "WHAT?!"
Lupe shrugs. "Sorry for not saying anything. But, y'know, telling you I was dating Jess might have given away the whole queer thing."
Esti snorts, then pauses. "Wait, you were dating Jess, past tense?"
Lupe nods. "I broke up with her earlier today." Even just saying that sentence causes her chest to constrict, the knowledge that she's lost Jess painful to think about.
"Why?!" Esti exclaims in disbelief.
"It just seemed like a bad idea, after...you know."

"You are being ridiculous. Sorry, but it's my job to tell you when you're being stupid, and this is one of those times. I can't believe you're gonna wreck your relationship - which, might I add, clearly makes you incredibly happy based on the way you’ve been in such a good mood recently - because of other people's crappy opinions."

"You didn't see what they did last time, E. People I didn't even know would call me slurs to my fucking face. It got so bad I started to believe half the shit they were saying."

Esti pauses. "I'm sorry, Lu, that's awful. I can't pretend to know what that was like. But I do know that you're currently screwing things up with Jess for no good reason. I mean, if people already know, you two might as well be happy together, and support each other."
Lupe grimaces, knowing Esti's right. Her decision to end things was largely fuelled by fear, by her instinct to shrink herself to be what others want. She wanted to protect Jess, but she ended up doing more harm than good.

"I think it's too late, anyway. I really hurt Jess," she mumbles.
Esti frowns. "Well, you'll just have to find a way to make it up to her."
Lupe smiles. "So...you approve of us, then?"
"Of course I do," she says, like it's obvious.

God, Lupe is so grateful to have her as a sister.

"So....are you gonna fix it?"
"I think I have to at least try," she says.
"Good. I want Jess to be part of our family, she's way cooler than you. Ooh, I call dibs on being the maid of honour at your wedding!"

Lupe smacks her with a pillow, and Esti retaliates, and soon they're shrieking and giggling so loud their Mom shouts at them to go to sleep.

"Thanks, E," Lupe murmurs as they settle down.
"Any time."

-

Lupe takes the next day off as well, but she decides to brave school on Friday - if it's that bad, at least she'll have the weekend off.

She keeps her head down as she walks into school, ignoring any whispering around her. One group of guys jeer at her in the hallway, asking all sorts of questions about her and Jess that make Lupe both mortified and furious, but a teacher walks past and they quieten down.

Surprisingly, the people who frustrate her most aren’t even the ones asking invasive questions; rather, it’s the people who know what they’re doing is wrong, but avoid challenging them on their prejudiced bullshit. The ones who give her sympathetic looks, but still laugh along with the people mocking her. She knows it’s not easy, but she wants to scream at them all the same. If they think it’s hard to stand up to their friends, they should try being in her shoes these past few days.

In all her lessons, she sits at the back, arriving early and leaving the second the teacher dismisses the class.

It mostly works, as she manages to avoid seeing many other people - at least until lunch. She can't face the cafeteria, knowing she'll surely be stared at and talked about, but also knowing that she'll have to see Jess. And whilst she promised Esti that she'd talk to her, she's not sure a school cafeteria in front of their friends and everyone else is the best setting.

So she sits outside by the elm tree, leaning back against it's trunk and closing her eyes. A few moments later a shadow falls across her face, and she opens her eyes abruptly before realising it's just Esti.

"Not eating lunch?"
"Not hungry," Lupe replies. It's true, she feels a little nauseous at the thought of hiding from everyone for as long as it takes for her to become old news.

Esti motions for her to make space and sits down next to Lupe.

"Have things been bad?"
Lupe shrugs. She appreciates Esti checking in, but she really doesn't want to talk about it right now. Esti seems to understand, and they just sit in silence for a while, staring out over the school field.

By the end of lunch, Lupe feels a little less like she's going to scream and/or cry, which she'll count as a win.

As she's heading back inside, Max from her history class catches up to her. "Hey, wait."

Lupe resists the urge to scream, miraculously. "Oh my god, if you're here to ask me questions about Jess, I'm not gonna-"

"Woah, woah," Max says, holding her hands up. "I come in peace. I wanted to see how you were doing."
Lupe raises an eyebrow. "Why do you care?"

Max sighs. "Look, man, I get that people have been shit, but I swear I'm not here to make fun of you or whatever. You just seem cool, and it looks like you're having a bad day, and I wanted to check in on you."

Oh. Oops.

"Sorry," she sighs, dragging a hand through her hair. "It's just been a long day and everything's kind of gone to shit in the past week." The understatement of the century; she got outed and broke up with her girlfriend despite still being very much in love with her.

Max nods understandingly. "I'm sorry this is happening. But, if you ever need a friend, I'm here. I think we'd get on, we have a lot in common."

The words seem innocent enough on the surface, but Lupe understands her meaning. "You- you're…?"

Max grins. "Remind me to introduce you to my good friend Esther some day. But anyway, I won't keep you. Just wanted you to know that...you're not alone." She claps Lupe on the shoulder, then walks off to where Lupe can see Clance waiting down the hall.

Obviously Lupe knew she and Jess weren't the only queer people in the school, but...it's nice to have the confirmation that someone's rooting for her.

She has a study period at the end of the day, and she's tempted to just go home to avoid the scrutiny, when she bumps into Maybelle and Shirley near her locker.

"Lu! How are you?" Maybelle asks. She seems to genuinely care about the answer, so Lupe tells her she's fine.
Shirley looks at her a little disbelievingly.
"Really, I'm fine," Lupe says again.

Maybelle sighs. "We're really sorry about what happened. Maybe you could report it? I mean, you got outed, the school has to take that seriously-"

"Thanks, May, but they won't be able to do anything." She learned that lesson the hard way last time. She goes to turn away, but Shirley grabs her shoulder.

"Wait, wait. I- we - just wanted to say that we support you, and...we're here for you if you need us."
"Thank you," Lupe mumbles, feeling a little awkward now. She hopes they can see that she's grateful, just unsure of how to respond.

It occurs to her that these two might be able to help her with the Jess situation. "Have you...spoken to Jess, by any chance? Is she okay?"
Maybelle and Shirley exchange a glance.
"What?" Lupe frowns.
"Didn't you hear what happened yesterday?"
"Yesterday? No, I wasn't here. Why?"
"Well...I don’t know if it’s our place to say…"
"May, please. What happened?"

Lupe knocks on Jess' door. She ran almost the whole way here, and now she's wondering why on earth anyone would voluntarily run long-distance because her lungs are screaming.

She knocks again. Maybe no-one's home.

But then Jess' Mom opens the door, looking at her in surprise. Lupe's probably a mess, red-faced and sweating, but of course she doesn't comment, just pulls her in for a hug, soft and reassuring.

"Is Jess home?" Lupe asks once she's been released.
Julia shakes her head. "She's gone for a walk with her brother, she should be back soon. Maybe we should chat, in the meantime?"

So that's how Lupe ends up sat at Jess' kitchen table, drinking coffee with her Mom.

"Mrs- Julia," Lupe corrects herself.
Julia smiles. "Yes, honey?"
"I don't know how much Jess told you...?"
"She hasn't said much. But I gather the two of you aren't together anymore?"

Lupe shakes her head. "I really messed up, Mrs- Julia. I hurt Jess, and I don't know how to make it better. I really love her." She surprises herself with this last sentence, but she doesn't need to hide here.

Julia nods thoughtfully. "I know my daughter cares about you very much. I'm sure you two can figure it out."

"You're not mad at me? I mean, it's my fault Jess has had such a shi- a bad time recently, I thought you wouldn't even let me in the house."

"Lupe, Jess has been happier than I've seen her in goodness knows how long, ever since you moved here. You're not responsible for what people at school have done."

"But...I still upset her." Lupe wants someone to shout at her, to tell her what she's afraid they're already thinking, what she can’t help but believe: that it's all her fault.

"I don't believe for one second that you intended to hurt her, or I wouldn't have let you in. She’s been missing you, I know she has, but she won’t speak to you because she thinks you don’t want her to. You can make it right, if you're willing to, and the fact that you ran over here to speak to her suggests you are. Ultimately, it's up to Jess, but I don't think you need to worry too much," she finishes with a wink.

Lupe swallows. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, sweetie."

Just as Lupe takes a sip of her coffee, they hear the front door creak open. She panics, suddenly mortified at the thought that she just appeared at Jess' without warning after everything.

"Jess, sweetheart?" Julia calls.
Jess pokes her head through the door. "Yeah?" she says, before stopping abruptly at the sight of Lupe.
"Um. Hi."

Jess just stares at her in disbelief for a moment. "What are you doing here?"
"Can we talk?"
Jess shrugs, clearly feigning nonchalance. "Fine."
They head upstairs, and the silence is almost too much to bear.

Jess sits on her favourite bean bag, gesturing for Lupe to use the other one. Up close, Lupe can see her injuries better - the cuts and bruises, the fading but still prominent black eye, the split knuckles.

Lupe reaches out almost automatically, and takes Jess' hand. "Fuck, Jess-"

Jess flinches and crosses her arms, hiding her hands from view. Lupe doesn't know if it's pain, or embarrassment, or anger at Lupe herself that causes Jess to pull away, but she inwardly curses herself for pushing too far.

"Sorry, I didn't- I shouldn't have done that. What happened?"
Jess sighs. "I suspect you already know the answer to that."
"I want to hear it from you," Lupe insists.
"I got in a fight, okay? Happy now?"
Lupe shakes her head. "No. Tell me what happened."

Jess winces. Lupe thinks she's just going to ignore the question, but then: "I was in the cafeteria and this guy wouldn't leave me alone. He was clearly trying to start a fight, I swear I wasn't looking for trouble. But he was going on and on, saying all this homophobic shit, and then he started talking about you- I just lost it."

Lupe breathes out unevenly. "What was he saying about me?"
Jess grits her teeth. "Doesn't matter. He's an asshole and he's wrong. Anyway, they didn't suspend me at least - I think they were scared to because the whole incident made it seem like the school has a homophobia problem. Which it does, obviously, but. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten involved. And I should have been more understanding of your reasons for ending things. I know things haven't been easy for you, it wasn’t fair of me to dismiss your feelings like that."

Jesus. Lupe can't believe Jess was defending her even after the way she's acted.

"No, I'm sorry. I should have been there, I-" she pauses, sighs. "Jess...I've been so fucking stupid. I'm so, so sorry for everything I said, you didn't deserve any of that. I was so scared of losing you I just pushed you away myself."

"Lu, wait-"

"Please, just let me finish," she begs. Jess motions for her to continue.

"I made a huge mistake, and I've spent every minute of the last few days regretting it. I wish I'd said it in different circumstances, but I meant what I said the other day. I love you. And I want to be your girlfriend again, if you'll have me. But I understand if it's too late."

Jess is silent, her face unreadable, for one, long, terrifying moment.

"Lu, of course I'll have you."

Lupe blinks. "Wait, seriously? Are you fucking with me right now? Because if you are it's not funny-"

Jess grabs her by the shirt, pressing their lips together, and Lupe's brain ceases to function. She kisses her back eagerly, feeling butterflies in her stomach like the first time they kissed.

Lupe pulls away and leans her forehead against Jess', closing her eyes and biting her lip. "I'm not imagining this, am I?"
Jess grins. "I don't know, maybe we should try it again to double check."

Lupe rolls her eyes - she can't believe she's in love with such a dork - but it's not like she needs convincing to kiss Jess again.
Lupe wraps her arms around Jess, her head against Lupe's chest, and kisses her softly on the forehead.

"Lu?"
"Yeah?"
"I forgive you."
Lupe smiles. "Thank you, baby. I will make it up to you, I swear."

Jess intertwines their fingers, and Lupe presses a kiss to the back of Jess' hand, just below her knuckles.

“I need you to realise it’s not your fault that things have been shit at school though, Lu. Not here or in Dallas,” Jess murmurs, like she’s afraid the words will break her. “You’ve been blaming yourself for other people’s behaviour, because someone decided you should have to conform to what they want you to be, but you shouldn’t be expected to shrink yourself, ever.”

Lupe swallows, tears threatening. “I…I don’t know how to stop.”

Jess presses a kiss to her chest. “I think it’ll probably take a while. But…I can help. I don’t always know the best way to do it, but we can support each other, right?”

Lupe bites her lip. “Yeah. Yeah, we can.”
Jess sighs contentedly. Then she huffs out a laugh. “Can’t believe you said you love me first.”

Lupe snorts. “Well, maybe I’m just a better girlfriend,” she jokes. Then, emboldened by Jess’ use of ‘first’: “I don’t recall you saying it back, either.”

Jess shoves her gently. “Well obviously I love you. I’ve known that for ages, I just didn’t say it because I was scared it might be too soon.”

And wow, if Lupe wasn’t already sat down she might have keeled over, because Jess saying she loves her as if it’s obvious almost feels too good to be true.

"I told Esti about us," Lupe changes the subject, unsure how to respond to such a gift.

Jess sits up and stares at her. "Really? Was she okay with it?"

Lupe grins. "Are you kidding? She was over the moon, she basically started planning our wedding."

Jess laughs, and Lupe feels ten times lighter. She hadn't realised how much she'd missed that sound, when she feared she'd never hear it again.
"She talked some sense into me," Lupe adds. "Your Mom, too. I'm glad they did."
"Damn. I owe them both, big time."

Lupe chuckles. "Hey, you know what I realised?"
"Mmm?"
"Now people know about...us, we can be more open about it, once things have died down a bit." Jess looks a little worried, but Lupe continues. "I'm not saying we suddenly start being super affectionate at school, just that...it doesn't have to be a secret."
Jess smiles, but there's a hint of nervousness on her face.

"It will get better, you know? We know they're just bigoted pieces of shit, we don't have to listen to them. And we can deal with it, together. Our friends will support us, and the asshole who hurt you will get what's coming to him. Okay?"

Being back with Jess has already had a profound effect on her, it seems, because she’s apparently an optimist now. But she truly believes what she’s saying this time.

Jess nods. "Okay."

-

And Lupe's right. It does get better, slowly but surely. She mostly stays quiet in her lessons at first, but gradually starts to rejoin conversations and volunteer answers.

It's still a bit overwhelming in the cafeteria for her, so she sits by the elm tree, but Jess always comes to find her. Every time, Lupe insists Jess can go and eat with the others. Every time, she sits with Lupe.

One day, a week or so later, Maybelle finds them sat out there. "Ah, so this is where you've been hiding! How have you been? How come you haven’t been sitting with us anymore?" She says it with her usual bright tone, but she sounds a little hurt.

Jess glances at Lupe. "Sorry, May, it's just a bit much in there. Lot of people have something to say about us, and it's just not a great place to be right now."

Lupe notices her grimace as she thinks of her injuries, fading now but scars still present.

Maybelle looks at the ground. "Of course, I didn't think of that. I'm really sorry, Jess. We should have been there more. If it helps, Greta and Jo absolutely tore the guy to shreds after you left. Verbally, I mean,” she clarifies with a grin. “But we should have done something before it got that far."

Jess smiles faintly. "S'not your fault, May."
"Maybe we could come sit with you out here tomorrow?"
Jess pulls a face. "So long as you don't mind being seen sitting with a couple of queers."
Maybelle snorts. "I think I'll survive."

So they sit with all their friends at lunch the next day, and Lupe can't help but smile to herself at how much it lifts Jess' spirits. They both thought they'd all be okay with it, but...it's hard to be sure, sometimes. But since Lupe suspects half their group is queer as well, she feels safe in the knowledge that they truly accept them, individually and as a pair.

Her suspicions are confirmed when Jo gives her a conspiratorial wink as Shirley says that Jess and Lupe are the only gay people she's met, or when Carson texts her later that day and asks how she knew she liked girls.

She also finds new friends in Max and Clance, the girls from her history class. They get on like a house on fire, and they sometimes join them all for lunch, another addition to the group of friends who've become family, people she's so grateful to have met. They also meet up with Esther a few times since she doesn’t go to their school, and she and Jess get on especially well. When Clance starts dating a boy in their class called Guy, she starts dragging him over to sit with them too, and their circle expands once more. And when Esti comes to sit with them one day, they all coo about how sweet she is, and she sticks her tongue out at Lupe cheekily.

Time passes, and she and Jess are no longer the main piece of gossip. They're aware that they're still judged by some people, still looked at with disdain occasionally, but it no longer defines them in the same way. They expected it, in a small town with deeply entrenched conservative attitudes, but it's manageable.

And despite it all, Lupe is ridiculously happy with Jess. She can hardly believe her luck, in finding her. Every time Jess kisses her, or tells her she loves her, Lupe can’t help but smile, no matter how often it happens.

She even joins the baseball team, at Sarge's insistence, and Lupe suspects she knows what went on the past few months, because she softens towards her and Jess.

It's not perfect, life never is, but Lupe feels safe in the knowledge that she can deal with whatever comes her way now she has a support system. She's more content than she ever imagined possible just a few months prior, and she's determined to enjoy the feeling.

Against all odds, it seems she managed to not completely screw things up here after all.