Work Text:
PERCEPTION: Something isn’t quite right. It takes you weeks to realize, even after you move in together. You can’t quite put your finger on it at first. After a day-long thought project, during which you frequently stare intensely at Kim in total silence for minutes on end, making him very uncomfortable, you finally figure it out.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT: Kim never initiates physical contact. You didn’t notice because you are so free with your affections, always leaning into his personal space, touching his arm or shoulder during your conversations to emphasize your point, slinging your arm around his shoulders whenever you sit down next to each other, holding his hand at every possible opportunity, showering him with hugs and kisses at every turn.
LOGIC: You also didn’t notice because Kim never rejects your advances. He always seems more than happy to have you in his space, and he reciprocates your affection with enthusiasm. He loves being close to you, but he never makes the first move.
KIM KITSURAGI: Kim is sitting at the table, writing something in his notebook, when you pull out a chair and sit down next to him. He can tell from the look on your face that you want to talk about something.
KIM KITSURAGI: “You’ve been awfully quiet all day, Harry. Are you ready to tell me what’s been on your mind?”
PERCEPTION: He’s learning your language. He can tell when you’ve got a thought project going on, and when you’ve finally brought one to a conclusion.
COMPOSURE (medium: success) Hold on, boyo. Think about what you’re going to say before you jump in and get tongue tied. It could be very easy to get the wrong message across.
YOU: “Kim… you, uh… I’ve noticed that you never seem to… touch me.”
KIM KITSURAGI: “What are you talking about? Yes I do. All the time.”
YOU: “No, I do, and you always reciprocate, but you never make the first move.”
KIM KITSURAGI: “I…”
COMPOSURE (Medium: failure) “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing! I’m not, like, worried you don’t like me or anything. It’s probably just an ingrained habit, right? You probably don’t even notice.”
KIM KITSURAGI: “You’re right, Harry. I hadn’t noticed until you pointed it out. I’m sorry about that. I’ll try to be better.”
COMPOSURE (Medium: failure) “No, Kim, that’s not it! I wasn’t looking for an apology! It’s not a problem that needs to be fixed. It’s just… something I noticed. I shouldn’t even have said anything. You don’t have to change anything about yourself, ever. You’re perfect exactly how you are. If you’re happy like this, then I’m happy too. I just- worry you have needs that aren’t being met. Like, what if you have a bad day at work, and I’m too spaced out to notice that you need a hug? I just hate the thought that you’d be sitting there, needing a hug and not getting one.”
COMPOSURE (Challenging: success) Shut your mouth, space-case. You’ve made your point, and now you’re just babbling.
KIM KITSURAGI: Kim seems to be dumbfounded. He has no idea what to say.
EMPATHY (Impossible: success) No one, in his entire life, has ever cared whether or not his needs were being met.
KIM KITSURAGI: “I…” His hand twitches on the table, like he wants to reach out but physically can’t.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT (Trivial: success) You slide your hand across the table first, and he gladly meets you halfway. You lace your fingers with his, and wait patiently for him to collect his thoughts.
SHIVERS: Kim is a gangly teenager, not yet grown into his body, standing in front of another boy a few inches taller than him. Nervously, hopefully, Kim tries to lean in.
The other boy jerks away with a look of disgust on his face.
Word spreads like wildfire. The bullying and harassment reaches previously unthinkable levels. Kim doesn’t care. Nothing the other kids (and many of the adults) do to him can cut half as deep as the look on the other boy’s face when he pulled away.
By the time Eyes comes around, Kim is a master at keeping his hands to himself. He can allow himself to be around Eyes because there is no danger of slipping up and embarrassing himself again. He’s had so much practice at stifling any silly impulses that they’ve essentially ceased to exist.
Now, here you are, sitting in front of him, trying to dig up that part of him and bring it back to life. He’s not sure it’s possible.
KIM KITSURAGI: “Harry…”
SUGGESTION (medium: success) “You don’t have to change anything, Kim. It’s just a thing I noticed. It doesn’t have to be a source of stress for you. If you’re happy with the way things are, then that’s great. I’ll just do my best to make sure you never go without a hug when you need one.”
KIM KITSURAGI: Kim smiles, even though he feels like crying. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve you.
EMPATHY: You wonder if it’s just force of habit, or if he’s actually scared that you’ll reject him if he reaches out. You’ve never given him any reason to think so, but it’s a deeply ingrained fear that must be hard to shake off. Some misplaced sense of propriety, perhaps? He’s uncertain of relationship etiquette and letting you take the lead?
LOGIC: You technically have more experience with relationships than him. One relationship is greater than zero, even though it was codependent and toxic and ended catastrophically and you can’t remember any of it anymore. You are the last person he should be taking his cues from.
KIM KITSURAGI: He is still staring at your joined hands. Slowly, as though he still isn’t certain he’s allowed, he lifts your hand and brushes his lips against your knuckles.
YOU: The huge grin on your face puts any of his remaining doubts to rest.