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Things are… okay right now.
Patton knows there is still a lot of work to do. Roman still sometimes disappears for days on end; Roman still sometimes is scared to talk to them about his problems; Roman still sometimes hides himself behind masks and performances. But… things are getting better. It’s not linear, and there are backslides and fights sometimes, and quite often people aren’t able to look others in the eyes, but days are good more often than they are bad.
Today isn’t a bad day, but it certainly isn’t a good day either. Everyone seems on edge, and they’re all coping in the ways they’ve learned.
And Roman… Roman hasn’t left his room yet and it’s already noon.
But that’s ok.
He’s left the door open, and he’s not trying to hide the fact that he’s feeling bad. That’s all that they ask of him now; to just… try and be more open about his hurts and wants and needs so they can help. Patton has even assured him that it didn’t need to be Patton helping him, if that makes him uncomfortable or if he feels like he won’t be able to. As long as he asks for help from someone. And that’s why Janus and Virgil are in there with him. Helping him in the ways that Patton can’t. It hurts, but he’s learning to be ok with that too. They’re all learning to be ok with a lot of things.
Patton flips the pancakes he’s cooking, before turning to grab some plates. It’s a late breakfast— though a small one because no one is really hungry.
Last night had been their new weekly Movie Night, and after the movie they’d all agreed that they were sleeping in the next day because the edge that everyone is now on had already been close then— though convincing Roman and Logan to sleep in is still difficult, it is no longer an impossible task— and they had hoped that they could sleep it off before it got worse.
It didn’t fully work, but it seems to have calmed them all down a bit from the chomping at the bit so many of them had started doing last night, and now most of them are stuck in morning sleepy mode, which at least means no big fights.
He’s just debating making bacon when Logan slips into the kitchen, pressing a kiss to the back of his head and holding out his hands for the food. Patton’s chest warms and he hands him Remus’ and his food— because he knows he won’t be able to get to Remus for a little bit, since Remus is working on a new project in their room and has told, kind of threatened them— but a helpful threat not a dangerous threat— not to come in, and Patton will take her word that whatever it is is either gross or not safe, and is only for Remus and Logan to see and deal with— sharing a look of understanding with Logan as he takes the plates and balances them easily, leaning a bit closer in a way that shows he’s ok with touch. That has Patton perking up, and leaning closer with a smile. It’s gotten easier to read Logan too, and that’s… that’s nice.
Like right now— his eyes are fond and warm and actually hopeful. Whatever Remus said when they talked last night— they snuck off in the middle of one of the movies and came back very happy— seems to have helped Logan out a lot.
It’s aches a bit, to know that he didn’t help him with that but maybe—
Maybe helping his Family isn’t only about what Patton can do, but is also about allowing them all to talk and interact in a way that allows helping each other, that allows growth and reconciliation that Patton just can’t do for them.
Patton has been thinking about that a lot.
Logan shifts on his feet, a nervous sort of look on his face and Patton’s about to ask, his worry rising, but before he can— Logan presses another kiss to him. On the lips. Oh.
Patton keeps his hands to himself but leans into it, smiling, feeling the softness of his skin on him and feeling a little bit dizzy when Logan finally pulls away. Logan’s face is flushed but warm, a small smile pulling at his lips that he quickly hides, turning around and leaving the kitchen without another word— not that he needs it.
As lip kisses aren’t something that happens often, especially ones longer than a peck, since Logan isn’t very comfortable with touch at all, and a lot of more romantic and touchy things make him uncomfortable quickly. But there are times when he’s ok with it and even times when he wants it, and well— Patton is so so happy that Logan is willing to share that with him, even after all that he’s done wrong, even after all the wrong has been aired out for everyone to see and for everyone to talk about. It’s not as if he hates when Logan doesn’t want it, but to know he trusts Patton to know when he does and to not carry that expectation over him all the time… Logan trusts him, even though Patton is imperfect. Logan trusts him, even though he’s broken trust before. He’s willing to trust him while knowing that.
It’s enough to allow his heart to feel lighter, a gentle feeling sinking into his skin and making his steps more dance-like, twirling and smiling and giggling as he remembers the feeling of warm and soft lips and sees smiling eyes, as he finishes up the plates.
Really even with the edge, this is probably the best day they’ve had so far after the letters. No one is fighting, no one is hiding, and no one is working away their problems until they crumble.
Patton hums, grabbing the extra muffins from the oven, pulling one out of the tray, and taking a bite, as he lays them out on the plates of those who want them— Roman, and Janus, because they like having two. He eats his own muffin quickly, ready to give the plates to everyone else and then settle down somewhere. Maybe with Logan and Remus— if Remus is ok with that— or maybe with Roman, Virgil, and Janus, or maybe in his own room. He’ll figure it out depending on how everyone’s feeling.
He grabs the three’s plates, balancing them pretty easily as he makes his way down the hallway, the stairs no longer there, and knocks on the door. It takes a bit of maneuvering, but it’s worth it, because he knows that Roman likes when people knock before entering on his not so good days.
It’s a privacy thing, and maybe a bit of a safety thing too, no matter how much the idea that Roman doesn’t always feel safe with them twists his stomach it’s still true, and something he’s trying to respect. And usually it takes a minute on these days for the door to open, usually he hears rustling and then quiet whispers and the poke of the Imagination and then some more whispering and then it opens. But today, he hears rustling, a poke, and the door falls open.
And it’s weird and a bit worrying, but Patton wants to think it’s progress, so he doesn’t bring it up. Acting like it’s normal, he slips inside and smiles at the three of them curled up in bed together, the room just bright enough that he can see everything through the darkness and make out their faces.
It really is nice that they finally talked everything out. He knows that Virgil fighting with Janus had caused them a lot of pain, and that Janus and Roman’s falling out had thrown both of their worlds off their axis, and Virgil and Roman both had been stressing about confessing to each other for a while now— them being all together is such a relief.
He’s reminded of what he thought earlier. It isn’t just about how Patton can help, but how he can allow them all to help each other, in all the ways he can’t. And smiles, holding up the food like an offering, and lowering his voice as he says, “I made everyone breakfast.” Because it just feels right to keep the quiet, it feels right to let the calm darkness settle.
Patton hands over the plates, smiling as they all thank him in their own ways— Virgil gives a small smile and a nod, Janus gives a quiet and sarcastic sounding, “Oh, Thanks, I suppose.”— and Roman hesitantly says, “Thanks.” Before trailing off; it stings a bit, but he pushes the feeling away. It’s not personal, and he shouldn’t take it as such, and even if it is, Roman has every right to be unsure about giving thanks to Patton. Just like he has every right not to trust him again.
Because Patton failed him.
So he ignores his thoughts that are trying to spiral and settles down on the bed with them, eating some more of his own food that he’d grabbed before leaving, and just… seeing. Seeing if everyone is ok. Seeing if they’re willing to allow him to be here. Just trying to get a read on their emotions and wants.
It’s a bit hard to tell in the dark and with their tangling emotions, but he thinks they’re willing to allow him to stay for a bit.
But there’s something about it that’s off, a sour emotion in there somewhere that’s too stuck to anxiety for him to see properly. Roman and Virgil look nervous, and Janus looks… sure? No, not sure, he looks confrontational. Like if something goes wrong, ze’s willing to step in.
Patton’s stomach twists again, but he keeps eating, and everyone else does the same. He thinks that whatever is going on and is about to happen will happen after they’ve finished eating. It almost makes him slow down, but it also makes him want to eat faster just to get it over with. He really doesn’t like the feeling of waiting to be told he messed up again, to be told that he can’t fix it.
But he just takes a deep breath and tries to keep calm as he eats. That might not be what they’re going to say, and even if it is, he can deal with it, it’ll hurt, but he can.
The companionable eating doesn’t last much longer though— it was a small breakfast after all— and when they all share a glance, Patton knows that whatever they want to talk about, or whatever they plan to do, is being talked about, or done, now.
Janus slides away from Roman, who shivers but doesn’t protest, and closer to Patton. Patton nervously looks at him, trying even harder than before to get a read on him, but comes up blank and unsure and he slumps, nerves sticking in his throat, as Janus— grabs his hand?
She presses something into his palm and curls his hand delicately around it. It crinkles a bit and Patton tries not to freeze. He doesn’t need to look to understand what it is, to understand what it might be to them.
But he needs to look.
Patton looks down at the paper and the words that are carefully written down, covering a good part of the page but also spaced out like any of the poems that Romans wrote before. Because that’s what this is; another poem. That thought, that realization makes his breath catch, a worrying type of sickness curling around his heart and making his stomach drop, because it means he did something wrong—
What happened? Did he say something? Did he do something? Did he hurt Roman again?—
But when he looks up at Roman to apologize, tears already burning in his eyes, Roman is smiling, sure it’s brittle and his eyes are misty, but it’s a genuine smile. And when he starts to talk, Roman shakes his head, “It’s good. Don’t worry about it, Padre. I just… I needed to tell you, to tell everyone somehow, and… I quite like writing the poetry.”
And though the sick feeling is still swirling in his stomach, there’s also a warmth that appears in his chest to calm his heart, as he nods back and looks down at the poem, but he’s still not reading it. He can’t help but not— with Roman watching, what if he reacts wrong? Roman doesn’t deserve that, not after Patton has already hurt him— and he wishes he had Logan to lean on, the one that still trusts him fully, the one that he trusts fully, and that he trusts will be able to guide him through his emotions and will know what to do next. Janus used to be that, but Patton messed it up, and now he has Logan to help him, and he won’t mess that up. But what if he needs that help to not mess up?—
Virgil lets out a quiet laugh, and presses Patton’s hands and the letter closer to his chest, “Just read it with Logan and Remus. You don’t have to sit here to do it.” And as much as Patton respects Virgil and as much as he knows how close Virgil and Roman are— His eyes flicker over to Roman for confirmation, not wanting to do wrong by him again.
Roman nods with a smile, before something else falls over him and he grasps at Janus’ hand, voice just as quiet as Patton’s as he explains, “I don’t mind, Padre. If I need my partners to write it, then I cannot fault one for needing their partner to read it.” Patton relaxes just a bit, and Roman leans farther into his partners, taking a breath before continuing, “I would like to tell you this before though, as I want you to hear this from me, not just from a letter while I’m not around.”
Roman breathes in, “I don’t forgive you. Not for the Split. I’m not sure I ever will be able to. It has caused a lot of harm to me and to people that I hold dear. And even though I tried to not tie it to you, it ended up feeling that way anyway, and it makes me feel bad, because I thought those feelings were cruel, and then I was angry at you because I thought I couldn’t feel angry at you, and it was all so confusing, but… I get it. I get why you did what you did, and I know you were being influenced and that it wasn’t all your fault. And yet I also know it was still a choice you made and that I have a right to be upset about it. I’m still angry and hurt, but I’m also willing to be understanding and work on us, and I’m willing to move past it, because I… I still love you. I still like us, Pat, you’re still my friend. And I don’t want that to change, no matter what happened in the past.”
Roman reaches out a hand and offers it to a still Patton, breath caught in his chest as his eyes fall down to the offered hand and back up to Roman’s hopeful eyes, “I don’t want us stuck in the past forever. I… I want to move forward with you.”
Patton feels frozen.
That’s… more than he ever would have expected, and sure, it hurts to hear Roman say all that— to say that he doesn’t forgive him, to say that Patton hurt him, to say that Patton hurt not just him but the others too— but it’s not like he didn’t already know those things. It’s not like it’s not expected, except it isn't— or parts of it aren't. He thought Roman would shut him down and pull away, that’s what happened after their talk the first time. Roman stopped talking to him, only ever doing so in group settings and refusing to be one on one with him, and after one failed attempt, Patton had realized he was pushing boundaries and backed away. Despite what Remus had said about Roman not wanting to blame Patton and Logan saying that Roman would forgive him— he hasn’t believed it. He thought Roman blamed him and always would. And maybe that’s a bit true, but it seems more… complicated than that. He’s been thinking in black and white again it seems, and this isn’t either. This situation, their relationship, is actually in the gray that Patton has refused to see before, but now can.
But does he want Roman to have a relationship with him? Of course, Patton wants a relationship with Roman— he thinks again of the young boy that looked up to him, and the fondness he still feels for him, the way he’d brightened up the world, the way he’d brightened up Patton’s world, and in so many ways Roman has always done the same, he’s one of Patton’s friends, one of Patton’s people, a part of Thomas that none of them can go without, someone Patton loves— but should Roman really have a relationship with him?
Patton wants to say yes immediately, to take his hand and go back to how they used to be— except what they used to be was toxic. It was bad. They can’t go back to that without hurting Roman, without hurting both of them.
And so he hesitates, the world pausing as he looks up at Roman and sees his red eyes and his twisting expression, his hand about to start falling.
Patton could hurt him again, it’s very possible.
He’s still learning, so even if they start a new dynamic it might end badly.
He doesn’t want Roman hurt again.
But… but didn’t all this start because he refused Roman before? As the King? He hadn’t let the King do what he wanted; he has tried to control everyone, and it’s hurt all the people he cares about. If he doesn’t give Roman this chance isn’t he doing that all over again?
Why does Patton get to decide for Roman that their relationship isn’t worth the work? This shouldn’t be Patton’s choice at all— not really, not ever— and so the best thing he can do is—
Patton reaches out and grabs Roman’s hand.
— Give Roman the choice of what to do with them.
Roman jolts, like even though he offered he’d never expected Patton to agree, and that just solidifies the idea more. This is the right choice. His stomach is squirming again and his hand feels itchy, but this is right. This is Roman’s choice. Roman wants this, and Patton has no reason to deny him that.
He should never have denied him choices before, and he won’t do that ever again.
Roman swallows, eyes flickering with something that Patton can’t read and he wants that too. He wants to actually be friends, actually be close, like he and the King used to be. And to be able to read him, and understand him in a way that not many can. Maybe… maybe this is the first step for them.
“Are you sure, Pat?” Roman asks, and it… hurts. A lot of things hurt lately. But this hurts because— yes. Patton is sure about this and Roman isn’t, maybe because he thinks he’ll hurt Patton, or maybe because he wants reassurance that he’s not just trusting the same person who broke him before and being naive, or maybe it’s all of that. And the last one is worse, because Patton can’t really prove those doubts wrong, he could hurt him, he could be trusting the wrong person again, but— Logan believes in him. And Logan’s smart. So surely—
Patton resists the urge to fiddle with his cat paws and nods, “Yeah, Ro, I’m sure. I’d love…” His voice chokes up, but he takes a breath and continues, “I want to move forward with you too.”
And it’s like something in Roman melts, a pressure that’s been weighing down the air— for so long that Patton hadn’t even noticed it— finally lifts.
And it feels new. Brighter. It feels hopeful.
Like Creativity and Emotions should be, and he doesn’t even need to reach inside himself to know what exactly shifted, the Emotions that fill him without complaint from Morality tell him everything that he needs to know.
Roman grins and Patton smiles back, though a bit confused as the air takes on a more playful vibe, and then Roman— pulls.
Patton lands on his lap with a squeak, wrapping his arms around his middle to stop from toppling over as Roman laughs, digging his face into Patton’s neck and pressing them close, staying that way for a moment before pulling back to look him in the eyes. Roman smiles down at him, giggling and pressing a kiss to his nose. “Ro—” Patton whispers in a hush, face flushing, but Roman shakes his head and wraps his arms around him.
“Let me just… hold you… Just for a moment. I missed you, Padre.” Patton’s throat is sticky with honey and sweet with wine, and he looks over at Janus and Virgil— unsure but hopeful.
The air around them shows their obvious answers, so obvious he can almost hear them—
“Go ahead, popstar. Ro wants this, there’s no reason not to.”
“Why would you take this away from him? If you can think of a reason, a good reason, why then by all means take away the cuddles he so wants.”
— And really Patton is more than ok with cuddles with Roman, he really needs them too.
He really wants to cuddle Roman too.
So he relaxes, hands digging into the back of Roman’s outfit and eyes squeezing shut, something hot burning nicely on his skin.
He’s missed Roman too.
Patton hesitantly knocks on Logan’s door, hearing random squelching noises inside that he can’t really understand, until the door snicks open and he walks inside to catch Remus with her hands stuck in what looks like a cookie jar but is obviously meant for paint based on the half done painting in front of void and the smeared mess of color on its hands.
Logan is reading a book on his bed, but looks up as Patton enters, giving a small smile and a nod, “Salutations, Patton, I hope your talk went well.”
How did he—? Oh, well, he guesses he did just disappear for a while there, and it’s possible that Remus knows about the letter already— from Janus or Roman— and told Logan, meaning that Logan already knows about the new Letter, and was able to deduce that Patton would have been given it when he went in to give them breakfast.
Patton keeps his eyes on Remus’ painting as he makes his way to the bed— he doesn’t even need to look anymore, Logan is so meticulous about where everything needs to go, and Remus is surprisingly good at cleaning up after voidself when it wants to— it’s glowing and wiggling, and even though he can’t tell what it’s supposed to be, it’s really pretty. And… and he doesn’t know what his face looks like right now. He’s pretty happy, he thinks, but there’s still a twisting part of him that isn’t. And he knows Logan is curious, and a bit worried, and can read him easier than anyone else. Not like it’s really hard, but Logan can pinpoint things others can’t. And that’s… scary right now. But it’s also kind of relieving.
The paper crinkles as he crawls on the bed, keeping himself from getting too close and touching Logan as he sits down and stares at it. Logan leans a bit closer, “Ah, the new letter. Roman was finally able to give that to you. After breakfast, I assume?”
There's not even a hint of reproach or apprehension from Logan; even though Patton had read something he wasn’t supposed to just a couple days ago, Logan trusts that this is okay.
And… Patton doesn’t know why, but he’s so so grateful. “Yeah. He said it was something he wanted to tell everyone.”
Logan leans even closer, scooting close enough to see the letter over his shoulder, sending Patton a glance, “Well then, let’s read it together.”
“Alright.” Patton whispers, nerves still fluttering in his voice, and finally he looks down and reads.
By the time he’s done, he’s crying, happy tears though, and when Logan gestures that he’s ok with touch, Patton crawls into his lap and curls himself around him, cradling the precious poem between them, and mouthing the words. He doesn’t even try to take it back when Remus— who he hasn’t even noticed move closer— plucks it from his hand.
But he does look up, just in time to watch Remus push the letter into the paint on the canvas— his heart drops, his eyes widening, but then—
The painting shines brighter and Patton finally sees what it is.
A King’s Crown is settled on an empty throne, a tapestry above showing the profile of the no doubt gone ruler— The King— and it would be a somber piece if not for the two near the throne, one is holding a morningstar, grinning as she holds it out in warning for whoever might come close enough, and the second is seated on the armrest, a sword settled on his lap and another slid into the sheath on his side, a confident smile radiating across the piece and into the Mindscape. If he looks close enough, he can see the small moving tiny bits, one leaning closer to the throne, the sword slightly tilting, the Morningstar swinging lightly.
It’s… beautiful. And he knows what it means.
The King may be gone, and his loss will never be washed away, but Roman and Remus are here now.
They are the ones that deserve Patton’s thoughts and consideration; they have just as much a right as the King did to a seat at the table and to be heard.
Atonement and penance may be things that would heal the King if he was here, but it won’t help them, and so— despite his own hesitancy about it— he lets that want of his be washed away, and decides to move forward like Roman said he wants, like Patton agrees that he wants too. And when Remus crawls into the bed with them, Patton clings to her, whispering the “Sorry.” That he should have given her a long time ago. That he has been scared to say. That he has agonized over saying, because he was scared a simple sorry wouldn’t be enough.
And it isn’t enough.
But if he’s learned anything, it’s that starting is an important step. And he’s started with Roman already. Remus deserves that too. She deserves to get an apology too, she deserves to hear that.
Remus immediately clings right back, voice quiet and pain filled but genuine when she says, “I know.” And there’s no forgiveness, there’s not even any relief or sympathy, but there is understanding.
And for now, that’s enough.
They have time.
And now they can all help each other.
I am thankful confused unsure
Maybe I am
ok
hopeful
still sure this is a dream
And dreams don’t usually come true
not for me
But this time it all seems too good to be fake
A hope I would never even humor
Let alone one I would want fully
without mindnumbing guilt and a trip
to a confessional
The guilt And the worry Still linger
But I know you love me
My doubt is being swayed
And I finally have all that I wanted for,
Though the journey might still be perilous,
I can now want all without guilt,
Thank you, Let’s learn to be better—
Together.