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The cold bite of the winter air stung Dan’s cheeks, a brush of pink rising over his skin as he walked up the drive to the house he’d grown up in. He had many happy memories of Christmas and laughter and playing piano for his friends. His mom tucking him into bed, giving him a small kiss on the forehead each night before the lights shut off.
With the good times though, came the flood of bad. His first heartbreak from a girl called Melissa. She had broke up with him for his best friend and laughed at him when he cried. His parents announcing their divorce, the feeling of despair settling heavy in his stomach as the words left his fathers lips. His mother assured him it wasn’t his or his brothers fault but there was always a lingering doubt.
He remembers the first time he discovered he was gay. He’d always sort of known, even when he kissed Melissa he never really felt anything. He remembers being terrified that he never fancied another girl after her. The feeling of anxiety washing over him when he discovered he liked a boy called James. He tried desperately to push it aside, write it off as a fluke. Maybe he only liked him because he was nice to him. Then James kissed him and there was no denying it anymore. That night he sat in his bathroom crying, wishing he could be normal.
He told his mum first. She just smiled and hugged him, rubbing his back and cooing softly as mums did. Dan shook in her arms, the feeling of relief washing over him. He doesn’t remember when he started crying, but his mom hushed him anyway.
“Y-You still love me right?' Dan croaked out, his voice muffled by her cotton floral shirt and the lump in his throat
‘of course I still love you' she had said, stroking his hair as he cried into her shirt. ‘I’ll always love you'
Dan nodded into her shirt, sniffling and clinging to her as he did when he was 4 and scrapped his knee playing football. His mum always gave a off warmth and love. Dan always felt safe with his mum.
His dad was not so courteous. He remembers the colour draining from his fathers face. His eyes narrowing and his fists clenching. He remembers the vein in his neck bulging. He remembers the yelling, the shouting. The words.
Disgusting
Sick
Fag
Horrible
Unacceptable
Abomination
You’re not my son.
He remembers the tears. He remembers the lump in his throat, the fear in his eyes. He hasn’t been this afraid of his father since he was a child. He hasn’t seen this much anger since he failed his math class back in secondary school. He remembers trembling, flinching every time his father would raise a hand.
He remembers the hatred. The hatred he felt for his dad. Why couldn’t his dad accept him? This was who he was. The hatred he felt for himself. Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why couldn’t he be normal and his dad would love him. He could marry a pretty girl and have kids and have a normal life and his dad would love him and everything would be okay.
That was the night he had his first panic attack. His chest felt tight, like a pile of cerement encased his lungs. His mum sat with him all night, rubbing his back and shushing him. She kissed his forehead, like she did when he was a child, and sang softly in his ear.
‘I’ll always love you Dan' she whispered softly, as his breathing calmed.
He curled into himself, his head rested on his mums lap as he fell into a dreamless sleep. His mum stayed with him the whole night, rubbing his back soothingly. His mum was always the voice of reason. She was his rock when things went to shit and she would always be there to help him. She was the one person who understood him completely.
Dan smiles fondly as he approaches the brown wood door. He takes a glance around the old house, the garden still as beautiful despite the approaching winter season. The roses were vibrant and bright, lined around them a simple white fence. Leaves drifted in the wind, surrounding the garden with browns and yellows and golden splashes. It was peaceful here and Dan felt guilty for not visiting more.
Dan remembers when he brought his first official boyfriend here. He was called Mark and they met at Dan’s first University party at Manchester as a law undergrad. They clicked instantly and soon became inseparable. After a couple months of dating, he brought him over for Christmas holiday. His mum smiled happily, embracing him a bone crushing hug. She smiled brightly at Mark, hugging him just as tight. Mark smiled politely and hugged her back.
They stepped inside, the smell of Christmas cookies and pine needles filling their noses instantly. Soon they could smell the roast his mum was preparing and his stomach rumbled. He missed his mums cooking almost as much as he missed her.
Dan's smile dropped when he noticed his dad sitting at the table, a smile on his face as he talked cheerfully to Adrian. Their eyes met and his father stood up, taking a step towards him. Dan instantly felt panic stir in his belly. He hadn’t spoken to his father since he had come out at 16.
“Daniel” his father said fondly, a hint of regret in his voice. He soon found himself with his fathers arms wrapped around him tightly.
Dan wasn’t sure how to react, having feared facing his father for the last 3 years. Dan finally lifted his arms and wrapped them around his father’s waist. Whispered apologies fall from his father’s lips as he hugs Dan tighter, ghosts of tears soaking into his shirt. This was the first time his family felt whole again.
Mark broke up with him soon after that, not before snogging their neighbour in the dorm across the hall. He recalls walking in on them, the smile and flowers he had brought falling to the floor.
He remembers the tears. He remembers yelling. He remembers the smile on Mark’s face. He remembers Mark laughing at him. He remembered Mark's words.
“You and I were never serious Dan. It was all just fun, calm down”
Dan remembers feeling broken. The tragic feeling of loss heavy in his heart and his mums words in ear offering comfort. The way she could calm him with just her voice, giving him reassurance and unconditional love. No one had made Dan feel as safe and comfortable as his mum.
Until he met Phil.
Dan quickly shook the thoughts of Phil from his mind, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the icy blue stare that had become all he’d known for the last year. He wanted to not think about t, instead focusing on seeing his mum.
Dan's gloved hand tapped lightly on the door, his weight shifting from foot to foot as he tried to warm himself up. Soon the door swung open with the same creek its always had and his mum stepped out.
“Danny!” She exclaimed, her arms wrapping around him tightly as she rocked back and forth. “I missed you so much!”
Dan's body suddenly filled with warmth and love. He adored his mum, his rock for his entire life. She always made the most heart breaking problems seem so minor with a simple few words and warm hugs. She was exactly what Dan needed right now.
“Hi mum” Dan whispered fondly, his heart swelling with love for his mum.
~~
“Tell me everything my dear.” His mum said, pushing a mug of tea in front of him on the kitchen island.
They had quickly moved inside, his mum insisting she put on some tea for him. Dan wiggled his fingers as he entered the warm house, the smell of chocolate chip cookies quickly filling his nostrils and the crackling of the fireplace could be heard in the distance. It still felt like home, no matter how far he strayed.
Dan sighed, swirling the warm liquid with his spoon. “Not much to tell”
His mum looked at him cautiously. “Look Dan, I love having you here. You know I do, but you’re not one for just random visits and you look like you’ve been crying. I haven’t seen you in over 6 months. Now tell me what’s wrong”
Dan's lip trembled as he tried to speak, the words catching in his throat. He couldn’t actually fathom that he and Phil were over. The words sounded foreign in his head, felt heavy on his tongue and bitter like poison. He felt sick even thinking about it.
“ Phil and I um.” Dan started, a tear slipping down his cheek as he struggled to not crack in front of his mum. “We um.. We broke up.. I guess”
Dan's mum gasped in surprise and made her way around to his side and embraced him tightly, her head burrowing into his shoulder. Dan didn’t move, his arms hanging limp by his side. The words burned his throat as they came out, the first time he had even said it to himself. It was now real. Phil and him had broke up.
“Oh Danny, I’m so, so sorry” She spoke, her voice muffled.
“Yeah me too” Dan said, his words shaky and wet, his mouth filled with a bitter taste.
His mum hugged him tightly, rubbing his back in soothing circles on his back. He didn’t have the energy to sob anymore. He didn’t have the energy to feel much of anything anymore. It was like the life had been knocked out of him and he was nothing but an empty shell wandering the world aimlessly, as dramatic as that sounds. Dan always had a flair for dramatics.
He had seen a life with Phil. He was never one to believe in marriage or the whole “fate” and “soulmate” spiel, but with Phil it was different. He saw them married, their wedding small and in the countryside with flowers surrounding them and fresh spring air blowing around them. He saw them in a small house in London, a small garden and a dog running around in the backyard. He saw a swimming pool and kids with freckles just lining their nose, similar to Phil's.
He had imagined them growing old together, holding hands in their chairs as they sat next to the fireplace, still just as in love as they were back when they first met. Except Phil wasn’t in love. He never had been. That alone made Dan let out a sob, his heart feeling as though it were cracking slowly and one little tap would shatter it completely. Phil had made Dan whole and then destroyed him with one sentence. The one sentence he had feared hearing their whole relationship.
Dan's mum kissed his forehead, brushing his messy fringe to the side. She took his face in her hands, lifting head our to look her in the eye “Daniel, listen time. You don’t need him, you’re a brilliant boy and incredibly handsome. You can have any guy you want and if he doesn’t want you then screw him, yeah?”
“But I want him mum..” Dan mumbled, his voice cracking.
His mum sighed, wrapping her arms around him again “I know love”
~
Dan sighed quietly as he lay in his old room, staring up at the ceiling that still had a sprinkling of glow in the dark stars and planets. He remembers when he put those with his mate Jenner at age 7. His mum had yelled at him, complaining about the adhesive ruining the paint of the ceiling or, even worse, one falling into his mouth as he slept and choking him to death.
He smiled slightly at the memory, eyes roaming the room he his entire childhood in. The room had changed drastically, no more band posters and art work adorning his pale white walls. No more red and blue duvet lining the bed and the large mahogany wardrobe was now empty. The room had a crisp scent in it, like lavender and fabric softener.
It was almost bittersweet how much his room had changed. It was once his safe space, the one place he could go to hide away from the troubles of the world. The place he could dive into piano or blast his music and cry for hours and never worry about being judged. It was always the one place he could escape heartbreak.
Dan closed his eyes, the heaviness of the day weighing down on him. The darkness behind his eyelids were quickly replaced with the icy blue he had grown accustomed to. The pale snowy skin and soft hands that would play with his hair as he slept. The pink lips that would smile at him with such fondness and joy. When did it all fall apart?
Dan was hardly aware he was crying until he heard the light taps of his tears hitting the cotton fabric of the pillow. His eyes opened slowly as he tried to calm his breathing, not wanting to wake his mum. He sat up unhurriedly, a few more tears slipping out.
“Get it together” He whispered to himself, wiping the stray tears away.
Standing up, he trudged over to the bag in the corner of the room and retrieved his laptop before returning to the bed. He tapped the button to turn it on, wincing at the bright light that illuminated the dark room.
He logged on Facebook, replying to a few friends from back in London asking where he was. He saw a few messages from old friends, wanting to catch up while he was in town. He sighed, glancing at his profile picture. It was him and Phil during Christmas at the snow festival in the Town Centre
The lights were a blur of reds and greens and purples in the background, trees and snow surrounding them. Phil’s eyes were closed and his face was scrunched as Dan’s lips brushed against his cheek, a smile playing on his lips. Things were simpler then, only 4 months into their relationship.
Dan scrolled through the pictures of him and Phil, stopping occasionally to reflect on the scenario behind the picture. He saw one from when they first moved in together, Phil sat on the floor reading instructions on how to put the wardrobe together. Dan remembers snapping that picture without Phil’s knowledge, smiling at how thoughtful Phil looked as he tried to interpret what the bloody hell the instructions meant.
There was one of him and Phil on the London eye, their second official date. The lights illuminated Phil's face, a smile plastered on his lips as Dan was tucked under his arm, a shy smile on his face and his hands clinging to Phil’s jacket.
The one that hurt the most was the one of them kissing that Louise had taken sneakily, the day they first said I love you. Dan said it first, slipping out without much thought till after he said it. He remembers feeling terrified after the words left his mouth, his heart hammering and his mind screaming at him to run. Phil smiled and grabbed his hand, repeating the words back to him.
Dan remembers the relief he felt. Then the joy. The absolute joy and happiness he felt in that moment that he was in love and the person loved him back. He remembers the kiss, so passionate and full of emotion. The cliché fireworks in his head and butterflies in his stomach. He remembers the calm washing over him, a state of sublime filling his body.
Now he felt anger. Anger and sadness and despair and heartache all at once. Phil had lied to him. Dan wanted to scream until his lungs collapsed and vocal chords bled. He wanted to throw things and break things and feel something other than this cold heart break he felt.
He slammed his laptop closed, pushing it to the side and wiping his eyes for the third time in the span of 30 minutes. He hated crying, yet today that was all he seemed to be doing. Standing up, his slipped his shoes on, grabbing his phone and wallet and shoving them in his pocket. He scribbled a quick note to his mum in case she woke up and wanted to check on him before grabbing the spare key left in the bowl by the front door and walking out.
~~~
The cold night air bit at his warm cheeks as he stumbled out of the bar, his body feeling light and his movements almost too fluid. Maybe he should have stopped after his 7th shot, but the burn of the alcohol sliding down his throat and the numbness he felt made a convincing argument against responsibility.
The alcohol sloshed in his stomach as he moved, his vision fuzzy around the edges and a feeling of joy washing over him. He stumbled to a nicely lit park, plopping heavily on the plastic bench near the entrance. His body swayed as he tried to calm the earth from spinning so much.
Dan didn’t drink much for a uni student, rarely ever getting drunk. He was known as a bit of a light weight. The alcohol coursing through him made him feel warm. It was almost comforting in a way.
His mind drifted to Phil. To the way his eyes looked in the moonlight. The way they showed specks of green and yellow. He thought about his smile, his tongue poking between his teeth and the way his laugh could fill a whole room and make the place seem brighter.
The words Phil said to him echoed in his mind, how distant they sounded. How cold they felt, not exuding the usual warmth that Phil always gave.
“You can’t fix this”
“I don’t love you”
“I don’t love you Dan"
“I don’t think I ever did”
Dan shivered as the words played over and over in his head, feeling like a slap every time. He had the urge to do something reckless, something he would probably regret when he was sober enough to remember it but right now, he didn’t care.
He pulled out his phone, fingers tapping a number he knew all too well into the phones keypad, placing the device to his ear and closing his eyes. He breathed slowly as the phone began to ring. He let the liquid confidence take over his body.
Ring
Ring
Ri-
“Hello?” The husky voice spoke, the northern accent heavy in the man's voice.
It was obvious he had been asleep. Probably with someone else in his bed. Probably kissing them, his hands exploring every inch of them. Probably whispering sweet nothings in his ear, lips ghosting over their skin.
“Hello? Dan is that you” The voice spoke again, a little more alert.
Dan snapped out of his trance, words stuck in his throat. He couldn’t bring himself to speak. The vodka confidence quickly fading, turning him back into the scared insecure boy he was. The one who would still do anything to make Phil happy. The one who would do anything for Phil to love him
“Dan, are you alright? Say something…”
Dan could laugh at that at those words. The many times begged Phil to say something over the last few weeks, only to be met by a distant stare and the cold shoulder. The times he practically screamed at Phil to stop ignoring him. The many times he got the cold shoulder when all he said was I love you. Dan could absolutely laugh, if he didn’t feel like crying.
“Y-You lied to me” Dan stumbled, his words slurred and his vision becoming blurry. He wasn’t sure if from the vodka or from the tears.
“What? Dan are you alright? You don’t sound okay” Phil said, his voice full of concern.
“No, you don’t get to worry about me anymore” Dan slurred, his anger building again. “You don’t get be concerned when you lied to me for a year”
“Dan I never lied to you” Phil said, it was obvious he was sitting up now due to the shuffling of bed sheets. Bed sheets Dan had spent many a night wrapped in.
“Bullshit! You told me you loved me for a year. A fucking year and then you decide you don’t and you never did! You fucking lied to me” Dan felt like he was shouting.
“Dan please, You’re drunk. Where are you?” Phil asked
Dan scoffed “You want to know where I am? I’m on a fucking park bench in Reading at 1:35 in the morning when all I want is to be in bed next you and planning our fucking holiday but instead you don’t love me and I’m fucking miserable. I’m absolutely miserable and I just” Dan's voice broke. The tears flowed heavily as his body shook. “Why don’t you love me?”
Phil didn’t say anything, the line going deathly silent. Dan had to check the phone to see if the line went dead. To his surprise, the call was till active. Dan waited a few minutes, his eyes closed as be focused on the beating his heart.
“Phil please.” Dan whispered after a while, the words familiar on his tongue, yet just as bitter tasting as before.
“I’ve got to go. I’ll text your mum to get you a cab” Phil said, and with that he hung up.
Dan held the phone to his ear for what seemed like hours, his breathing heavy and his sobs disrupting the calm serenity of the park. He felt a wave of nausea wash over him, leaning over the side if the bench hastily and emptying the contents of his stomach. His throat burned as the alcohol made its way back up, not the same pleasant burn it made when it went down.
He sat up slowly, wiping his lips, tears still falling from his eyes. He wanted Phil. He wanted Phil to hold him and kiss his cheek and tell him it was all going to be okay. He wanted Phil to rub his back and out a cold rag on his head, leaving aspirin tabs and a glass of on the end table as he slept. He wanted Phil to care. He wanted Phil to love him.
~
Weeks had past since he last spoke to Phil. He had returned to London, opting to stay with PJ until his university could find accommodations for him. PJ was a mutual friend of his and Phil, having met when Dan first started dating Phil. PJ was always nice to Dan, never being biased against Dan when he heard the news.
PJ was the one who suggested Dan move in for a while. Dan wasn’t sure how good of an idea that was, knowing Phil and PJ were practically best friends. Dan didn’t want to seem like he was forcing PJ to pick a side and didn’t want to alienate Phil in case he ever wanted to come over.
“Pish posh, you’re my friend too and if Phil doesn’t like it he can kiss my arse” PJ had said, causing a chuckle from Dan
Dan was grateful to PJ, since he didn’t really have a back up plan if PJ did decide against Dan staying with him. They had a lot in common, what with their love of anime and Mario Kart all things food related. PJ was easy to get along with, understanding Dan’s often morbid and self depreciating sense of humour.
Dan walked in from his lecture, tossing his bag in the corner. He really hated history of law. He hated law in general, wishing to do something he actually enjoyed. He only pursued law to appease his father’s wishes and goals for him but honestly, it was draining him.
“Peej, you home?” Dan called, walking to the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.
PJ appeared from the bedroom, a smile on his face “Hey there, how was lecture”
“The worst” Dan said, taking a sip of water “I feel like a lose a piece of my soul every time I step foot in that place”
PJ chuckled “You can change your major you know”
Dan laughed “But that’s so much effort”
PJ shook his head, laughing slightly. “Oh to be young”
“Sod off, you’re not that much older than me” Dan said, tossing a piece of his water bottle wrapping at PJ.
PJ chuckled again, dodging the small object. “You kids are so violent these days. I blame the rap music”
Dan flipped him off with a laugh. He really enjoyed living with PJ, even if it was only temporary. It was like having a best friend again, someone you could joke around with and watch silly television shows for hours and talk about the universe at 4 am. Something he hadn’t done in a while.
Dan soon finished his water and headed into his room to start on his thesis. He got about half way through the significance of the constitution of the united kingdom before he decided to give up, this just wasn’t worth it right now, and browse the internet. He scrolled through Facebook, liking a few posts and answering the messages had neglected the past week. He switched to Tumblr soon. He scrolled absentmindedly through his dashboard, liking and reblogging things that caught his eye.
He soon came across something that made his heart speed up and his face flush. He hasn’t even realized he had still been following Phil on here, as he made it a point to delete Phil from every social media platform he owned, as petty and childish as it sounded.
The picture, which was linked from Instagram, was very similar to the one him and Phil had taken at the winter festival, but instead of Dan kissing his cheek it was another boy. The boy had dirty blonde hair, his jaw looked sharp and his skin was smooth. Phil had a smile on his face, his blue eyes bright, the little specks of yellow showing in the light.
The caption read “its beginning to look a lot like Christmas!” with a heart emoji next to it. Dan felt sick. He felt the energy he had left drain from him and dissolve. He wanted to cry. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be Dan and Phil spending Christmas together. Going to the park, watching the snow fall. Building snow angels, having snow ball fights. Drinking hot chocolate as they cuddled on the couch. This was all supposed to be Dan.
Dan closed his laptop, setting it on the bed beside him and scrubbing his hands over his face. He couldn’t keep doing this to himself. He couldn’t keep holding out hope for something that was obviously never going to happen. Phil didn’t love him, he had made that abundantly clear. And as much as it killed Dan, practically ripped his heart out to think about, he had to accept it.
In that moment, Dan decided, he had to learn to live without Phil. No matter how long it took or how painful it would be, he had to let Phil go. He couldn’t keep letting Phil break him. Because only fools fall for Phil Lester and Dan didn’t want to be a fool anymore.