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The music blaring throughout the club was deafening to Seoyeon who was sat on a couch in the corner, phone in one hand and a drink in the other. Sohyun and Xinyu were off dancing together, while Nien and Dahyun were at the bar ordering more rounds of shots for the group. Usually Seoyeon was the type to enjoy going out with her friends and drinking. She could think of few better ways to end the week. Two people were missing though, one of the empty seats leaving Seoyeon feeling emptier than the various discarded glasses displayed on the table in front of her.
She checked her phone, unsure why she was expecting anything to show up since she checked less than a minute ago. Her lock screen lit up the empty space around her, forcing more memories onto her of the woman she had loved with her entire heart. Nien had told her to change it multiple times, knowing the ways in which it hurt Seoyeon to look at, but she couldn’t bring herself to get rid of the memories that provided her with a happiness she had never allowed herself to feel previously.
Her relationship with Yooyeon had lasted two beautiful years, ending due to a loss of love on Yooyeon’s end. The moment Yooyeon had opened up about it to her, Seoyeon’s heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. That was the woman she planned to marry, start a family with, grow old with until the end. In the blink of an eye it was all taken away from her. Feelings were something she had always pushed to the side, considering them to be a waste of her precious time. Yooyeon was different though. As soon as she had entered her life, Seoyeon very quickly understood why love was so powerful. She would happily stay awake late into the night waiting for Yooyeon to get home from work, a fresh glass of water on the nightstand beside the bed she was keeping warm for her lover to return home to.
Looking out into the club she wondered if Nakyoung did the same for Yooyeon. If she would hold her like she would disappear if she ever let go, if she would smother her body with gentle kisses to ease all of her insecurities and worries, if she would put aside everything she had ever dreamed of just to support Yooyeon with all her hopes and dreams. Giving in, Seoyeon opened instagram, opening her recent searches and clicking onto Yooyeon’s profile. The most recent photo stuck out like a sore thumb. Her social media presence had always been about her. Multitudes of selfies and promotions for different beauty brands. Not even Seoyeon had made it to the feed, her only sign of life being through stories of expensive dinners she had treated Yooyeon to during their relationship. Yet, right at the top, was a photo of Yooyeon in Nakyoung’s arms. Seoyeon had looked at the photo at least ten times, heart breaking more and more each time, but in a twisted way she could never bring herself to look away.
“I’m going to block her on everything for you when you’re too drunk to stop me,” Nien joked, placing the tray of shots down in the free space in front of Seoyeon. Dahyun laughed at the comment. She was thinking of doing the same thing.
Seoyeon quickly locked her phone, embarrassed to have been found out. “I wish you would honestly. I can’t stand seeing them together knowing it should be me.”
The statement lingered in their corner of the club. Both Nien and Dahyun wanted to tell her she was being delusional, thinking too optimistically about the situation, but they knew that would do nothing to help her. It was common knowledge between their friends just how in love with Yooyeon she was, she was all she would talk about. “You should head home. I can tell being here isn’t doing you any favours,” Dahyun sighed, gesturing towards the empty seat next to Seoyeon. It was where Yooyeon had always sat.
“You’re right. Feel free to come crash at mine when you’re done here. It’s only down the road and I don’t want you getting in any strange men’s cars. I’ll still be awake.”
Following her word, Seoyeon got home and got changed into comfier clothes. She turned on the TV to watch something to distract herself, but the show she had gotten half way through with Yooyeon was playing. Her body urged her to turn it off, but her mind began to think about if she had continued watching with Nakyoung. If she had gone again from the beginning to catch her up on what had happened so far, repeating the insightful comments she had once made about it to Seoyeon. Maybe if she did watch it with her new lover she would think about Seoyeon, reminisce on the same moments that were replaying in Seoyeon’s mind now. She wanted to pick her phone up off the coffee table, ask her for herself, but she knew that Yooyeon wouldn’t answer. As always, she would likely leave her on read and post a story of her spending time with Nakyoung to make a point.
The change in Yooyeon once she began dating Nakyoung was evident to everyone close to her. Seoyeon recalled a comment Sohyun made about Yooyeon losing all sense of groundedness. None of the group wanted to be around the person she had become, aside from Seoyeon. To her, it didn’t matter if the world knowing of Yooyeon’s beauty made her forget the insecurities and humility she had once possessed. Any version of Yooyeon was okay with her. She would love her just the same regardless of any change, whether that be on the inside or outside.
Mind still filled with Yooyeon, Seoyeon decided to look through their messages once again. Nothing had changed since the last time a few nights prior, but the time that had passed since made no difference to her feelings. Each and every time her eyes would fill with tears that would eventually stream down her face, glowing in the dim light of her apartment. She found herself thinking about if Yooyeon cried the same way thinking about their breakup, thinking about all the time they spent together, the memories made that came to a screeching halt. Even if Yooyeon’s feelings dimmed, did her enjoyment of Seoyeon’s company dim just the same? That was more painful of a thought than her losing the love she felt.
Her friends began entering her apartment, seemingly too worried about her to carry on their partying. Seoyeon was too far into her own world to recognise their presence, eyes stuck on her phone on her lap, messages with Yooyeon still displayed for all to see. Xinyu carefully took the phone away from Seoyeon while Sohyun covered her with the blanket she kept neatly folded on the arm of the couch. Dahyun and Nien both occupied the empty space on either side of her, cuddling into her as softly as they could.
Seoyeon tried to appreciate the effort made by her friends to make her comfortable, but all she could think about was how she wished it was Yooyeon instead. That she would come to her senses and realise that Seoyeon was everything she could ever wish for. That Seoyeon’s endless tears and pleads to the universe would be heard and she would come running to ease the pain she had caused. In reality, Seoyeon knew that would never happen. A month had passed and things were still the same as they were the day after. Seoyeon curled up and broken while Yooyeon was off slow dancing in the sunset with Nakyoung. Her hopes were dwindling, but her feelings wouldn’t allow themselves to falter. Yooyeon was all she had ever wanted, and a breakup wasn’t going to change that. She knew that she would be seeking Yooyeon forever. No matter how much time passed or how many things changed, all she wanted was Yooyeon by her side again.