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The sun’s rays were unforgiving on the vast landscape of sand and terracotta, beating down on the man who sat in the midst of it all. Sitting at the shimmering coastline, Kerbe stared at the still bobber out in the waters, its irritation climbing along with the temperatures.
It was just another day in The Mesa of Twerk SMP and despite Kerbe’s status as KING of land, it was gaining no respect from its followers it so graciously allowed to live there. The followers who lived nearby would constantly sass the king and refuse to pay their tithes owed, offering no appreciation to their king. Something had to be done…
The sound of someone opening the door to their pink home breaks him out of buns thoughts, rod in hand as bun walks away from the shore and sees the sight of none other than one of said pesky neighbors and followers hightailing it to buns prized storage shed. Oh not this shit again.
“Echo what the fuck do you think you’re doing-”, The king questions as he stands at the entrance, the TV-head already arms deep into chest labeled as sand.
“Oh…you’re home. Smile.”, Echo says, vocalizing their smile from their lack of mouth. “Well you seeee, I needed sand for concrete.”
“Then why are you in my chest, asshole-”
“So mean to me! You weren’t gonna use all of this were you?”, Echo crouches. “Anddd its for the apartment buildings-”
“Oh great.”, Kerbe rolls its eyes. The project had been plaguing its basement for the better part of the past year, consuming more and more of the resources in its stores. Even he could admit it was coming along very nicely with Echo’s building touch…
It crosses its arms. Ok so maybe it wasn’t actually gonna use the sand for anything soon but it could-
“Whatever-”
“Great!”, Echo says, closing the now-empty chest before Kerbe can even say another word. “Thanks, mwah!”
“Hey!”, Kerbe calls after as Echo kisses its mask and starts its escape. “You still owe me your tithes! This is no way to treat a king!”
“Never gonna happen!”, Echo says, already entering its house to scuttle down to the basement again.
Grumbling, Kerbe kicks at the floor, not noticing the sound of an elytra touching down just outside. A head of green hair pops in, whistling as they go up to Kerbe.
“Hey Kerbe.”, H says while hauling a blue shulker. “What are you up to?”
“Was trying to fish, but Echo has once again stolen from me!”, Kerbe stomps.
“Oh.”, H laughs, as if it is funny. Then as if the loss of resources was a fun activity opportunity they glowed in excitement. “Why don’t we just get more then? We can demolish a whole desert.”
“More sand?! That’s no work for a king!”, Kerbe brushes off.
“Not that again. I mean are you really a king?”, H raises an eyebrow. “I don’t remember anyone voting you in or anything.”
“Well I found this land fair and square.”, Kerbe points out. “I remember the day I first came onto this server…I chose this desert overlooking the sea as my home.”
“Yeah I remember we were all there too. Who says you were the first?”
“Well I placed my sign first!”, It felt just like yesterday. It had met and grown closer to so many people since then through lava buckets and jabbing them with his rod. “And I bet if I put on an election right now all the residents would agree that I am and always have been the rightful king-”
“Isn’t Twerk the king though? It’s called Twerk SMP…”
Kerbe pauses. Was that true? It did make sense…Twerk was the namesake of the place. They also always seemed to be watching, sometimes appearing in the corner of your eye when you least expect it before disappearing.
“I have research to do!”, Kerbe announces before it rushes off.
“Ok, guess I’ll just go mine more ice then!”, H says happily as they watch Kerbe fly away.
“Me? A king?”, Twerk exclaims as they stand in their sea of slightly confusing signs. Renovations were happening on the Twerk compound, whole stories in construction of the already massive house. Outside, the scream of resident Wasp goes unnoticed as he falls from the sky and hits the ground over and over again. “Well I dunno, aren’t I an anarchist or something?”
“And wouldn’t I be king too?”, Non points out their often forgotten admin status.
“Kachow…”
“Well…I’m just saying it’s what everyone wants…”, Kerbe famously does their favorite thing: lying.
“Really? I guess I’ve been away on Skyblock a lot…”, Twerk rubs under their horse chin in thought, leaning forward at a forty-five degree angle. They shrug. “Ok I’ve been meaning to make a courthouse.”
“PLEASE END MY SUFFERING.”, Wasp falls from the sky again.
“What was that…”
“Don’t worry about it.”, Non says. Something about the way they said it told Kerbe if it asked more it would be the one screaming in the distance next.
“Alright. I’m going to make posters now. Twerk you are my rival candidate.”
“Ohgh…”
The day of the election for mayor came quickly, and Kerbe was confident in its ability to clinch this victory. The mailboxes were stuffed with info flyers with lemon-scented propaganda and he had lovingly broken into every home on the server to leave more messages on the backs of signs already up.
Everything was set, and on the day of the election the members had taken to the incredible new building Twerk had made.
“Wow this is a nice building Twerk has totally made.”, Teg says while looking around, slightly dazed. “I haven’t seen the light of day in weeks from my deepslate mining, what’s going on?”
“Kerbe has finally lost it.”, Echo supplies.
“Oh nice.”
“Well I’m here because you promised Philza Minecraft would be here.”, Valcaine says. What the hell did they get on the server?
“Wait, do none of you know what’s going on here?”, Kerbe asks at the microphone on the podium.
The crowd shrugs, mumbling cluelessly. Gripping the podium, Kerbe resists the urge to pull out its flaming arrow gun and just say fuck this all. Thankfully, Twerk shows up, the crowd cheering and hollering when they clop up on stage, microphone in hoof.
“Cheesed you can all make it.”, Twerk says. “That means cheesed and pleased…”
“So good with words.”, H cheers.
“Well! Yeah Twerk is hot but I have something better! I have the support of the TSMP’s biggest superstar, Chick Hicks!”, Kerbe says, motioning towards the side stage.
“Wha you meant Chick Hicks?”, Non asks.
“Well yeah…”
“I thought you meant Chick Hicks hundreds of illegitimate children…”
“What-”
The low sound of croaking draws near, everyone looking to the door in horror as suddenly the door is broken off its hinges by the jumping of a swarm of frogs. The crowd screams, jumping up in fear at the webbed-feet beasts. All except VP who picked up what could or couldn’t have been a poisonous frog in their hand with no fear.
“I knew I should have just called Croc…”, Kerbe curses before a swarm of frogs goes on top of them, burying him.
It took until sundown before the members managed to wrangle the bastards together, shipping them off back to the End where they would spend the rest of their days in their pit. The newly built courthouse was left in shambles, only the podium and voting boxes left. There goes that build that was totally real.
Standing in the destruction, the people of the TSMP look a little less than amused.
“I don’t think you’re winning after all that.”, H told Kerbe before they entered a voting box.
“Asshole…”, Kerbe muttered after them. He would still win! Sure pog may have screamed a bit in the frog invasion but it managed to pull one frog off of its face and chuck it out the window (where it safely landed on all fours) so that had to count for something.
Kerbe turns when someone taps pog on the shoulder. Twerk is holding out a hoof.
“Whatever happens, this was fun.”, Twerk says. Kerbe blinks behind its bunny mask before taking the hoof and shaking it.
“Yeah! We’ll still get along when I win!”
“Hahaha-”
“The votes are in!”, Teg calls, ringing a bell. Crow clears crow’s throat. “The winner is- Kerbe…?”
“Hell yes!”, Kerbe says, cheering and hollering. Yes. He knew through hard work and endless bothering that the people would come to see how his rule would be the best. Dropping Twerk’s hand it runs up to the podium, cheering and hollering. It throws its hands in the air, waiting for the thunderous applause and kisses from H and Echo.
After a second of silence they open their eyes, looking onto the confused crowd. What were they waiting for?
“Uh…People actually voted for you?”, Echo asks in confusion, turning towards everyone else. People shook their heads, shrugging.
“Hey this was an anonymous vote!”, Kerbe argues.
“Yeah but- The votes for you were unanimous. I didn’t even vote for you, so how can that be…?’, Teg squints at the votes still in their hands.
“Look clearly we aren’t all math people, let’s just celebrate my victory!”, Kerbe laughs, nervously adjusting its tie.
“Hey isn’t that Kebe.”, H points to the floating dragon head standing in the corner of the rubble. Oh that stupid dragon head- He was supposed to run off immediately! The crowd gasps at the sight. “Yeah that is! And he’s holding all real the votes!”
“Is cheating allowed?”, Wasp asks.
Everyone turned to Kerbe, angry expressions on their faces. Kerbe laughed, putting its hands up.
“Now come on guys I wouldn’t cheat! I’ve never even met the guy before, I mean have you ever seen us in the same room before?”
“Get it!”
Kerbe screams as they all descend upon them with swords in hand, his feet running as fast as they can take them out of the vicinity. The crowd chases him afar, all but two of them leaving the ruined courthouse.
“Why’d you agree to the election anyways? It’d be havoc with it as king. Think about the farms it would break.”, Non questions Twerk.
“It’s just a title. Means nothing compared to admin permissions. Just wanted everyone to have fun.”, Twerk says as they watch the mob from afar, smiling.
By the next day Kerbe was back to its dock, grumbling under the heat as the sun bore down on his kingdom of sand. Maybe being just King of the Mesa was ok for now.