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I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met
-Lord Huron—"The Night We Met"
You couldn’t breathe. No matter how many times you inhaled and exhaled, you felt like your breath was being sucked right out of your lungs, not giving your body time to filter the oxygen. At least your eyes were dry now. You didn’t have any tears left. You probably became dehydrated from the crying, but you didn’t care. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
You first learned of Secondo’s death from Alpha. The ghoul burst into the quarters you shared with the former Papa screaming about how they killed him. They killed them all. You couldn’t get anything else out of him before several other ghouls, new ghouls you noted, came into the room behind him and began dragging him away.
“You need to leave, sister,” one ghoul said. “Pack your things and return to your own quarters.”
It wasn’t until two days later that you pieced together what happened. Secondo was with his brothers for their usual game night while you finished your shift in the archives. The retired Papas were poisoned. You didn’t know how or why, but they were gone. Your lover and friends were gone, and no one was telling you a damn thing. All you knew was that Sister Imperator and Papa Nihil were involved somehow. They acted as though nothing happened and continued planning the upcoming Ghost tour. You couldn’t be sure if Cardinal Copia was involved. You didn’t know him well, but you knew he was also an Emeritus, despite Papa Nihil denying it.
But you doubted his involvement, or if he was involved, he carried a heavy burden of guilt. You saw him shortly after it happened after you had been sobbing in the gardens, and he had such a haunted look in his eyes. If he had been involved in his brothers’ deaths, it had been against his will.
No one would let you see his body. You didn’t even know if Secondo was still within the Ministry or even if he was in one piece. It had been his wish to be cremated and his ashes scattered off the coast of Italy. You wanted to make sure that his wishes would be honored. The Cardinal took pity on you though after seeing your bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks. He took you down to the morgue and let you inside.
“Ten minutes, sorella , that’s all I can give you,” he said apologetically. You were grateful and went inside.
That brought you to the present, trying to breathe as you looked down at the preserved body of the love of your life. He looked just as formidable in death as he did in life, dressed in his vestments and paints and encased in a glass coffin. It wasn’t what he wanted, and you wanted nothing more than to smash the glass and fulfill his wishes.
“I’m sorry,” you whispered, pressing a hand to the glass that separated you. “I’m so sorry, my love.”
The tears came again, and you pressed your forehead to the cool, clear surface. “D-do you remember the night we met?” You stammered through your grief. “At that after-party? I accidentally spilled my drink all over your new suit. Instead of yelling at me, you took one look at me and reassured me that it was alright. You changed in an instant that night. Your attention wasn’t on the other women at the party. You couldn’t keep your eyes off me and then you asked me if I wanted to go on a date. A real honest date. You proved everything I heard about you wrong that night, and I fell in love with you then and there. You have no idea how badly I just want to go back to that night and do it all over again. I’d trade my soul to be taken back to the night we met.” You stared into his face, his eyes closed and unmoving. “Please…I can’t do this without you. Please come back. I need you.”
Your pleas went unanswered, though.
You looked from Secondo to Primo and Terzo on either side of him. They looked just as regal as they once were. You let out a choked sob. There would be no more spending time in the greenhouses with Primo; no more visiting Terzo in his personal study and exchanging gossip. You had no one to confide in when Secondo did something to piss you off. There would be no one to make you that special tea blend to help you sleep.
They would want you to go on, though. You knew that. You knew Secondo would want you to continue your work and your life at the ministry, despite what happened. He knew how much your faith meant to you and wouldn’t want you to squander everything you worked for. He’d want you to be happy, no matter how cliche the statement was. You would try, but you felt so empty inside. Happiness seemed like a foreign concept that you’d never experience again.
You heard the door to the morgue creak open and knew Copia would be standing there. Your time was up and now it was time to say your goodbyes. You pressed your lips to Secondo’s glass tomb. “Wait for me down there,” you whispered before pressing a hand on Primo's and Terzo’s coffins. “Take care of each other.” You bit back another sob and raised your head. Copia stood in the doorway with a solemn expression. With your head held high, you walked out of the morgue, determined to make those responsible for taking Secondo from you pay.