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Touya took a sip of his coffee. It wasn’t the one he’d always order though. He wanted to try out different kinds of drinks, so he asked Kohane what kind of drink she liked.
So she recommended the latte to him and here he was, enjoying the flavor and relishing happily in the taste.
He sat at a table at the park. It was a school break for two weeks and the weather was quite beautiful. He didn’t wear his signature outfit today like he usually would. It was too hot to be wearing two jackets and black jeans.
So he was wearing only his thin jacket that he’d wear on top of the purple one and wore some simple blue jeans. Touya smiled. Today, he wore matching shirts with Akito.
…Who was sitting right in front of him.
“Yo Touya.”
Touya looks up from his drink. “Hmm?”
Akito set down his phone on the table. “There’s this guy who wants us to perform for him…”
Touya nods. “Oh, okay.” Was all he said. Because really, what else did he need to express other than ‘I’m okay with that’?
“…and he wants us to do it on a high platform that’s about 15 ft above the ground.”
Touya immediately shook his head. “No, that’s too high.”
Akito frowned. “I know but, don’t you think it’s a bit childish to be afraid of heights? I mean, we’re gonna be adults in 2-3 years and you still have a fear of heights.”
Akito said this while scrolling through his phone, not even bothering to make eye contact with Touya, who was taken aback by Akito’s words.
“What do you mean childish? It’s not childish to be afraid of falling to one’s death.” Touya said, not yelling but the distaste was still spewing from his mouth.
Akito rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know that. But I’m pretty sure it’s about time you get over it. Have you ever thought that maybe everyone around you finds it a bit annoying?”
Touya’s eyes widened and he stared at Akito in disbelief, the ginger still staring at his own phone instead of looking at Touya.
The dual colored boy frowned and his face distorted to one of confusion, shock, hurt, and guilt. “Well, I-“
“Stop it, Touya. If you really don’t want to do it, then don’t. But I’m going to do it.” He gets up from his seat and walks away.
That’s it.
He just walks away.
Touya is still stunned. But he decided not to go after him, knowing that it would solve nothing. So he simply resumed drinking his coffee with his mood now turned sour.
.
This continues to happen.
Over
And over.
.
“Geez, Touya. Why can’t you get it right? The rest of us are already over this shit.” Akito stated, rolling his eyes in annoyance.
They were singing for practice at the Sekai, like they usually do.
Touya scowled. “Sorry? I’m just having some trouble. I’ll get over it.”
Akito ‘tch’ed. “You’re always going on and on about how this and that needs to be and how we can improve but you make no effort to do it yourself. You’re such a hypocrite.”
Touya winced. One of the things he hated being called was a hypocrite. “I’m not. I just need more practice and then it’ll be perfect.”
Akito sighed in irritation. “Well you can practice on your own. I’m gonna go back home.” He pulled out his phone and paused Ready Steady, leaving Touya alone in the streets.
He frowned, feeling a bit upset at Akito but also a bit guilty. He was right, Touya needed to be better if he wanted to help them surpass Rad Weekend.
. . .
“I don’t want to.” Akito gritted his teeth angrily. Touya sighed. “I know you hate studying, but it’s necessary if you don’t want to fail the exam.”
Akito rolled his eyes for the hundredth time. “I know! Stop nagging me about it.”
Touya frowned. “I wouldn’t nag you if you actually studied. I don’t want you to get held back.”
Akito slammed his hands on the table, startling Touya. “I’m not gonna get held back! Just shut up already!” He grabbed his bag and stormed out of the door.
Touya was left once more alone. He didn’t know what to do. His brows furrowed down and a small frown formed on his lips.
Why was Akito acting this way? Did something happen?
Touya sighed somberly and decided to just ignore it and gathered his stuff. So he collects his belongings and stands up. He throws his bag over his shoulder and walks to the Weekend Garage.
What if Akito is there?
Touya stopped in his tracks.
It’s probably best to just leave Akito alone for the time being, at least until he knows for sure that Akito’s not upset with him anymore.
He kept thinking back to their conversation, wondering what went wrong.
What he did wrong.
. . .
Whatever he did, it was very bad. Because why else was Akito ignoring him? Especially for this long?
Touya made a mistake, and even though he had no clue what he did, he’s going to apologize to Akito today.
…If he would stop running away.
Throughout the entire week, Touya had been attempting to talk with Akito, trying to apologize, but Akito simply turned away. He didn’t even give Touya the chance to explain.
Touya dragged his feet across the hall, mindlessly walking from class to class. Time kind of stopped ticking for him about forever ago. He could never remember what happened during class anymore.
He ignored the concerned side glances Kusanagi would send him.
During lunch he sat alone. It wasn’t exactly ideal but at least no one bothered him about it.
School finally ended and he decided it wasn’t the best choice to wait for Akito. The last couple of days he’d been waiting, just for no one to show up.
It saddened him, but it was his fault anyways.
So today he didn’t want to waste hours just for no one to show up, so he walked home.
He hated his household. It’s not like his father yells at him anymore. They don’t argue like they used to, but damn it kind of hurts more now that he was just ignoring him.
His father would take one look at home, roll his eyes, and pretend he didn’t exist.
Touya walked to his room, shutting the door behind him and setting his bag down neatly on the coffee table.
He allowed his body to fall and make contact with his bed sheets, simply laying there and staring off at the ceiling.
He should call Akito instead. Maybe that would work instead of doing it in person?
He’ll ignore you.
Touya pulled out his phone, scrolling down past all of his contacts until he found Akito’s.
What are you doing?
He paused.
Are you really gonna call him? He’s mad at you. Clearly he doesn’t want to talk to you
Touya frowned, deciding that calling may not be the best decision. So he makes the choice of just sending a simple text.
Yeah, maybe that will work.
Are you insane? He’ll still ignore you
Touya chewed on his lip, feeling unsure and ultimately defeated.
Just wait until he’s not mad at you anymore
He sighed sadly, wanting nothing more than to talk with Akito again, but alas, Rome wasn’t built in a day and trust takes just as long to rebuild.
But he was still confused. What did he do? What did he do wrong? What was the reason?
He felt like crying, he was so stupid he didn’t even know when he makes a mistake.
You’re useless
Touya thankfully held back.
No one wants to see your tears
He was losing his grip, his control, yet for some reason, he still couldn’t quite let go.
Touya felt blind, as if there was something he couldn’t quite see. As if everybody was seeing a beautiful rainbow of colors and he was just seeing in black and white.
His vision wasn’t good enough.
You’re not good enough
. . .
Touya woke up with a jolt. He groggily got up, wiping his eyes and checking the time on his phone.
7:30 pm.
He skipped practice. There were seven missed calls from An, three unread messages from Kohane, and nothing from Akito.
He decided to answer them later. He was too tired to do anything correctly right now even though he just took a nap. As unintentional as it was.
He strolled to the kitchen, realizing that no one was home but him.
He sighed before going to the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. Turning on the faucet to the coldest temperature, he splashed his face.
He stared at the mirror. It stared back. It looked more like an echo of himself rather than Touya himself. His hair took on a more tinted and dead color and he wore ugly eyebags.
Everybody called the mole under his left eye a beauty mark, something that complimented his face and gave him a nice look.
He could never see it. But today, he found out why. There’s no way something like that was what people found beautiful.
There was no way.
Sometimes, he wanted to just cut it off with a knife or permanently color over it. But he couldn’t ever do something like that. He never had the guts.
And he still doesn’t.
Oh no. He was disassociating again, wasn’t he? He tried to stop it, but he couldn’t do anything. It was all worthless in the end.
Mindlessly, his mind still hazy in a daze yet kind of awake, he turned on the bathtub.
Time flew by like a switch, and the bathtub was suddenly full of cold water. He dipped his foot inside, before letting the other enter and then finally his entire body was drenched.
He didn’t take off his clothes. He was just laying there in the freezing water, waiting for his mind to come back from its trip to the clouds and back down to earth.
. . .
Another week passes by, and the same keeps its wheel turning. Akito continued to ignore him and Touya felt himself getting more and more depressed.
It was stupid. His mood and his emotions did not depend on Akito. He was his own independent person.
But part of Touya knew that that was a lie, that he was just a dishonest liar who couldn’t even look at the mirror anymore.
This is your fault
He hadn’t visited the Sekai for a while, but he didn’t really want to. What if he ran into Akito there? What would the Vocaloids do if they found out Touya wasn’t confident in himself?
That he was still worth nothing.
Touya stood in front of the mirror, staring at the invisible enemy in front of him that reflected his hollow echo, the thing that can only be perfect and nothing less.
I was being left behind
He opened the drawer, revealing a shiny piece of metal.
You swore to never do it
I did.
Did you lie?
I did.
Touya ran a thumb over the blade, watching as a soft color of red dripped down his hand.
As if it was a desert of ice, it was cold to the touch
He laid down inside his bathtub that was devoid of any water or anything of liquid.
Soon it will be
Touya pressed the blade to his forearm, making sure to place it higher than his elbow so that no one could see it.
But it won’t be enough
Touya slit his arm, watching in curiosity and in wonder as a bloody red traveled down his arm and onto his clothes.
He cut another one, hissing at the horrible pain.
It hurt so much. It was so painful yet he couldn’t stop himself. It burned so harshly yet he needed more. It felt so good to finally burn away some ice thawing at his heart.
Why was he cutting in the first place?
Why does it matter?
Touya moved on to his other arm, slitting more cuts, creating more blood to descend down his pale and delicate arm.
I tore up and threw away many words
He needs to stop, otherwise he’ll go overboard.
Before I knew it, I had forgotten about it
Touya felt tears drip down his cuts and blood stream down his face.
Your back which I have been yearning after
He couldn’t stop.
To keep running away, such a thing was impossible
Irritation filled his lungs, causing him to choke and gasp for air, something that wasn’t toxic and crap. Something that was pure and perfect.
In a fit of frustration, Touya threw the blade across the restroom, listening to it clang and drop to the ground, its shiny silver now a shiny red.
He needs to calm down. Touya grumbled angrily at himself.
He needs a distraction.
Touya, while still laying in the bathtub, turns on the faucet. He stared blankly at the water rushing out. It was cold. Really cold. His mind went fuzzy as water filled the tub.
He needs to stop doing this. But he can’t. It’s an addiction. Touya hated the cold, he hated the water, yet he couldn’t stay away.
His clothes were still on. They were wet and drenched.
He couldn’t find it in himself to care.
. . .
He woke up once more, his back and neck aching from the odd position and the questionable place he slept in. Did he fall asleep in the bathtub?
He was shivering, extremely surprised that he didn’t drown or die from hypothermia. His skin was just a bit paler than before, but it was nothing important. Groaning and mumbling in soreness, he checked his phone.
11:28 pm.
It was awfully late. He sighed, pushing himself out of the bathtub and forcing his aching body to walk itself to his room. He didn’t care that his clothes were still dripping water and he didn’t bother to unplug the tub.
In his dizziness and exhaustion, he forgot to bandage his arms.
In his dizziness and exhaustion, he didn’t notice that the water was a light shade of red.
. . .
The next day at school, Touya was deeply regretting not doing something about the cuts on his forearms. They were throbbing in pain and were scratching at the fabric, his sleeves creating friction which caused more pain.
Whatever. It’s his fault anyways.
The day remained the same. Touya was sad at the fact he was getting used to the new schedule without Akito.
Today was different though. For some reason, it wasn’t because something changed in his new “schedule”. In fact, he didn’t remember anything.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
In the morning, his mind started floating, as if he was just doing everything by memory and simply ignoring the world around him, allowing his body and brain to answer and take control for him instead of his mind.
It was strange, but it wasn’t unwelcomed.
“Akito! Please, I need to talk to you.” Touya called out to the ginger, only to be ignored as he simply scoffed and walked away.
Touya felt horrible. He felt hurt, sad, and betrayed by his singing partner, his best friend, his crush.
Oh god. He’s a freak.
How many days since Akito started ignoring him? Toya didn’t count. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to admit that his best friend and partner was upset at him because of a mistake he made.
He didn’t even talk to An or Kohane. When was the last time he went to the Weekend Garage? Well, it didn’t matter anyway.
It doesn’t matter
Touya stopped singing. It’s not like he quit or anything, but he just had no drive, no motivation or desire to. Like when an artist gets an art block and loses motivation at the same time.
There’s no point, Akito wasn’t with him.
How stupid. Getting all sad and depressed over something so dumb
Touya sighed shamefully.
Yeah, you’re right.
He didn’t know who the voice in his head was. It had long since become a part of him, and recently it had been him saying these things, yet he still couldn’t tell himself and the voice apart anymore.
All of it is blended together
He stood in front of the mirror once more, his hate for the thing in front of him only growing. It was as if he wasn’t even looking at himself anymore, only an unfamiliar version of what was once vibrant and vivid.
This is my fault
He stared at the sink, watching as the water from the faucet ran and faded into white noise. He washed his face, rinsing the tears from his eyes and the sweat from his forehead.
He stood there in silence, his mind forgetting once more who was in control.
Pulling out the terrifyingly familiar blade once again, Touya was just about to start cutting when a thought interrupted him.
It’s okay to do your wrists, who will care anyways? It’s not like they’ll do anything to stop you
He sighed, moving the blade lower and lower until it was resting neatly on his front wrists. He was just a bit scared.
Do it
He did it.
He slashed himself, getting the relief. He began cutting more and more, but it still wasn’t enough. He needed more.
Touya took off his pants, placing the blade with a warm red liquid onto his thighs, slicing the flesh and watching as more blood cried out. It was entrancing and interesting, to know that this was all his fault.
His fault.
Your fault
My fault
His mind was leaving.
Touya needed to ground himself again. He put his pants back on, ignoring the burn of the fabric rubbing on his cuts. Slowly, he moved once again to the tub, turning on the faucet and waiting patiently for it to fill up,
After a couple of minutes of waiting and thinking, the bathtub was finally full. He was seconds away from entering, when a sudden ringing snapped him out of his daze, and his eyes glanced at his phone, staring in disbelief at the contact.
Akito.
Why was Akito calling him? Did he mess up again?
Don’t call him
The voice sang, warning him. Touya always listened to the voice in his mind.
Not this time.
He answered, putting it on speaker. He hated this. He was so desperate to hear Akito’s voice again. It was as if Akito could do the absolute worst to him and he’d still come running back to him.
How stupid
“Touya?”
Touya couldn’t speak. He didn’t know why. It was as if his vocal chords just stopped, but he could just barely manage to let out a word.
“Yes?”
“Listen, um… I climbed your balcony. Can you let me in?”
Touya didn’t even hesitate.
“Sure.”
He hung up immediately after.
What is wrong with you?!
Why did he just let him back in? Is he really that clingy and dumb? Is he just somebody to use whenever?
It doesn’t matter
Touya exited the bathroom, keeping a mental note to cut extra deep next time and walked reluctantly yet excitedly to this room.
He opened the door and saw Akito awkwardly fidgeting with his hands outside the balcony windows.
Touya felt a smile tug at his lips, but he fought to keep it down.
He unlocked the door, watching silently as Akito entered.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
It was silent again. But not the comfortable kind. The awkward and anxious one.
Akito sighed. “Touya, I’m sorry.”
Touya paused.
His eyes widened slightly and he tilted his head in confusion. “For what?” Touya knew exactly what he was apologizing for, but not why he was apologizing for it.
“For ghosting you damn it. I don’t know what the fuck was going on with me but I swear I didn’t mean any rude things I said to you.”
Touya was silent. He felt his mind start to wander again.
“I feel like such an idiot! I ignored you because I was upset but that’s the shittiest excuse I’ve ever made in my life!”
Touya sighed, frowning. He didn’t know what to do. This was the very moment he’d been waiting for, yet he couldn’t help but feel hurt. The quiet answer from Touya caused Akito to frown as well.
“I know I hurt you, but I promise to never do this kind of shit again. I’ll make it up to you, okay? I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry
No.
I’m sorry
Touya wasn’t in control of his body anymore. This time it wasn’t the right time. Usually he didn’t really care when this happened, but right now, it was not what he wanted.
Stop.
Stop what?
This.
This? I’m just taking you somewhere safe
Oh.
Let me control you, I’ll keep you safe
…Okay then.
Touya took a step back, his impulses taking over his body like he was an animal. “I…”
Akito took a step closer to Touya with every step he took back. It felt suffocating, like something was trying to trap and back him up into a corner.
Touya
No, just go to the bathtub again. I’ll be safe there. It’s safe there. The bathtub will protect me.
Touya!
Go right now. Lock yourself inside and-
“Touya!”
Touya flinched harshly, his senses grounding at the sudden pain in his wrists. Akito had somehow grabbed Touya’s wrists without him noticing. It hurt. A lot.
Akito’s eyes were wide in shock, and he pulled back. He stared at his hands, his eyes burning holes at the red on his hands and the blood seeping through Touya’s sleeves.
Realization dawns on Touya and he panics, his mind completely shutting off.
“Touya?” Akito’s voice quivered slightly, worry and concern dripping from his vocals.
Touya grabbed at his hair. “No… no this can’t… no… not… happening…” He muttered frantically, fear and panic overtaking his system.
“Touya what-“
But Touya pushed past Akito, running straight to the bathroom that he’d spend his time longer in than his own bedroom. Without any hesitation, Akito chased after him.
Touya quickly slammed the door shut and locked it, sliding his back down to the floor. He was sobbing like a stupid child who didn’t know any better.
“Touya! Let me in, please.”
Touya didn’t respond. How could he? Akito knew his secret and he was bound to leave him. Touya was worthless. He was a torn up ragged doll. He wasn’t shiny or spotless anymore.
Touya didn’t even think about it. He glanced at the bathtub that was still full from the water earlier.
He was barefoot, wearing only some ripped jeans and a long sleeved baggy shirt. It was the one that Akito lent him a couple months ago. It gave Touya comfort, and he didn’t even notice he had put it on.
“Touya! Open the door please! Let me in.” Akito knocked on the door, well, knocked sounds a bit nice. Akito banged on the door.
Touya continued to ignore him, his mind already too far away to even hear his words.
One leg after another, he allowed himself to be engulfed by the coldness. His clothes were now completely drenched as Akito kept calling for him.
“Touya open this fucking door or I’m breaking it down.”
He stayed silent, dunking his head under the water. Now he was completely immersed under the freezing cold water. The noise was almost blocked out.
Almost.
The door suddenly broke open, and Akito ran into the bathroom. I roam, under the illusion of escape. Touya only stayed under for about a minute. He almost fell asleep.
Almost.
With no hesitation, Akito yanked him from the tub and pulled him onto the floor.
Touya gasped for air, clinging onto Akito tightly. He was sobbing and his tears were weeping like a river. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” It was a mantra at this point.
Akito only held him close, tears pricking at his own eyes.
“No, don’t apologize, please.” Akito jumbled out, and he went on saying more words but Touya could barely hear them over the voice screaming in his head.
This is your fault. Why couldn’t you do something as simple as stay still? It’s just some water
Touya continued crying, his grip on Akito’s hoodie getting tighter. “Don’t leave me please. Don’t go.” Touya sobbed. He looked like a mess right now. There was blood smeared everywhere on his arms and there was blood in the bathtub.
He was drenched wet, and there was no doubt that Akito was also now wet too. “No, I’m not leaving you. I promise.”
I promise
Do you trust him?
Yes.
Fine then. Go
Go
Akito cradled him in his arms. “Let’s get you a towel, okay? You're shivering and drenched.” He said, helping Touya to stand up and walking him to his room.
Akito gave him a towel and a change of clothes. Of course he did. He already knew where all his belongings were. He knew everything.
Is that a bad thing?
I don’t know
“I’m gonna stay in here while you change, okay?” He held Touya by the shoulders, seeing the clothing down next to him. “But-“
“No buts. I have to make sure you won’t try to hurt yourself again. I’ll look away, but I’m staying in here, got it?”
The split haired boy mumbled under his breath, shifting uncomfortable but kept his protests silent nonetheless. “Fine.”
Akito smiled at his answer. “Thanks partner.” He turned around, waiting for Touya to change. In which he sighed and began undressing himself.
When he finished, he watched helplessly as Akito gently grabbed his hands, staring at his arms and wrists.
“Touya…”
He stayed silent.
“Let me bandage you up. I don’t want you to get an infection or anything.” Akito said, waiting very patiently for an answer.
Touya only nodded, his vocal chords not working anymore. So Akito left the room and came back a couple seconds later with some supplies.
“I used to bandage up Ena’s cuts, so I know what I’m doing.”
Touya frowned.
Burden
“I’m sorry.” The words blurted out before he could stop them. He covered his mouth with his hands.
Akito shook his head, softly prying away Touya’s hands. “Hey, don’t apologize. Just let me help you, please.”
Touya winced as Akito bandaged his arms. He didn’t really want to, but Akito insisted on making sure they didn’t get an infection and wanted them to heal correctly.
Finally, Akito finished both of his arms. Touya contemplated whether he should tell Akito about the cuts on his thighs or not.
In the end, he decided not to. He was creating enough trouble as it was, so it was not best to do anything else. This was all his fault.
Yet he was still unsatisfied. He needed more. He needed to hurt himself more. More pain, he needed more pain.
I… need…
“…to hurt myself.” Oh no. He accidentally said it out loud. He watched fearfully as worry and concern made way on Akito’s face. “No no no no no you can’t do that.” He said.
Touya felt more tears prick at his eyes. “But I need-“
“No.” Akito interrupted him, cutting off his sentence as if he knew word by word exactly what he was going to say. “I won’t let you.”
Touya felt frustration bubble in his stomach. “Why can’t you?” He tried his best to keep the anger out of his voice, but he had no idea if it was working or not.
Akito shook his head frantically. “Anything else. Why don’t you sing? Or study? Or- fuck, I don’t know! Anything but that.” He practically begged. But Touya was still unsure.
“I need it! Please, I need to hurt myself!” Touya tried to squirm away from Akito, but it didn’t work at all. Akito only pulled him in for an embrace. This caught Touya off guard.
“Aki?”
“Please, Touya. Don’t hurt yourself. We’ll find something else to help you. Just don’t cut yourself again.” Akito hugged him, almost crying but not quite yet.
Touya allowed himself to be hugged. Suddenly, out of the blue, Akito kissed Touya. It was so quick and weird, Touya had no idea what to do. How could Akito just ghost him and then say sorry and then kiss him?
Touya should push him away, kick him out or yell at him.
But he didn’t.
Why can’t you?
I don’t want to.
Touya kissed him back. They held each other in their arms and Touya felt like he was floating again, but this time in a warm way. He knew that when he wakes up, he won’t be aching and sore in the cold lifeless bathtub, but instead warm and safe in Akito’s arms.
Are you sure about this?
Yes I am.
What if he hurts you again?
Then I’ll come running right back.