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It took nothing more than a damped breaking noise to have Dean on his feet in a matter of two seconds. He didn't even bother to look at what time it was. All he knew is that it was past midnight and that something wasn't right. Grabbing a gun from under his pillow and almost tripping over the sheets, that he had just thrown away in the process of getting up, he peeked out of his room, fingers tightly gripped around the gun that was pointed straight forward, away from his heavily rising chest. It was quiet for a few seconds as Dean padded through the empty hallways of the bunker with bare feet when the echoing sound of another subject shattering into a thousand pieces made Dean's pulse jump. It came directly from the library. Dean's instant thought was to go get Sam but his adrenaline made him go straight to the map room. Every now and then he would hear grunts and the sound of heavy objects being thrown against the bunker's masonry. With a raised gun and his hunter senses being fully activated by now, Dean quietly stepped down the little staircase to the map room, peeking around the corner into the library, ready to shoot if he had to.
„Sam?“ The tall man stood beside one of the library tables, a chaos made out of broken whiskey bottles, shattered boxes and chairs that have clearly been thrown across the room, around him. His chest was rising just the way it does every time after he killed one of the things he's been trained to kill his whole life, and his hair was a complete mess by now, a strand of hair covering his face lightly. But oh, his face. It was just the way like back then, in that old church with Crowley, just with a little less blood on his face. The tip of Sam's nose was red, his eyes were watery, red and swollen, looking up at Dean, who was now standing in the wide frame of the library with him, looking around his brother and trying to figure out what happened. Sam wasn't moving an inch. The only movement of his body was his chest rising and a few more teardrops running down his neck. He didn't want to wake Dean. Hell, he didn't want any of this. It was the alcohol that brought up everything he buried inside his mind for far too long. It was everything that happened, the darkness, the visions, and the memories of literally everything that happened before this mess. Sam could barely look Dean in the eye when his older brother raised his sight from the chaos that was surrounding him. Sam felt embarrassed with his big brother standing right in front of him, seeing him in such a broken state. He felt not only embarrassed but also a little pathetic and with that thought, the tears were coming again.
„Hey, hey-“ Dean saw Sam breaking down again, before Sam even realized it, and was by his little brother's side immediately, speaking in the softest voice he could bring up. „It's okay, Sammy. Here.“ Dean held his sobbing brother in his arms, quickly reaching out to grab the only chair in the room, that has not been thrown yet, bringing it up to Sam's side. But instead of sitting down, Sam stayed still, feeling safe in his brother's arms. Almost as safe as he felt when John held him as a kid, whenever he got scared at night. If someone would've been in the room right now, they would probably think it's just a big drunk guy, crying over his ex girlfriend, who cheated on him, dumped him and drove off. But this was serious, because Sam Winchester does not just break down at night, Sam Winchester does not just cry out of nowhere, Sam Winchester does not just get drunk and throw random objects through rooms. No, Sam Winchester does not just do that. He had a reason, something he couldn't keep buried any longer, no matter how hard he tried. Whenever it was fear or sadness, it took over his mind that night. He just couldn't keep it hidden anymore. Dean held Sam knowing what was happening, knowing his little brother needs someone to be there for him and yes, Dean would hold him the whole freaking night if he had to. A couple of minutes passed and Dean had to admit that he never saw his brother cry that much. Maybe he did cry that way before, but Dean had surely never seen it. And that thought made even Dean's eyes get watery. The thought of his little brother all alone in his room, fear and sadness taking over him without anyone that could comfort him. Eventually Sam raised his head after he let out most of the tears. Not looking at Dean he wiped the wetness from under his eyes away and sat down, still too embarrassed to look up at his brother. Dean wasn't surprised. It was only a matter of time until this would have happened. Looking at his broken, drunk little brother for a few seconds, he finally spoke. „Hold on.“ Dean said, quickly running off, leaving Sam confused in the library. Before another wave of thoughts broke through Sam's mind, Dean came running back, a water bottle in his left hand and a package of tissues in the other.
„Water to help with the alcohol. tissues to help with those watery and swollen puppy eyes of yours.“ he said. Dean rose each item while mentioning them, getting a barely visible smile from his brother. Dean placed the water bottle next to Sam on the table and brought the tissues up to his brother's hands, which were weakly folded over his knees. Neither having the courage, nor the energy to look up at Dean, he slowly took the tissues, mumbling a throaty „Thanks“ to his brother. Dean slid down to the floor, his head resting on the edge of the table, his sight focused on the bookshelf that was, surprisingly, still standing a few feet in front of him. „You made quite a mess here, Sammy.“ Sam lifted his head and took a quick glimpse of the chaos surrounding him. „I'm sorry.“ - „Don't be. I've killed more whiskey bottles and chairs in my life, than monsters.“ Dean said with a proud but short smile. Silence filled the room, but it was comforting. The only sound, that broke the silence was Sam sniffing every now and then, slowly calming down. Dean was playing with the fabric of his sweatpants, when another loud sob escaped Sam's throat. Dean turned his gaze back to his brother. „Hey, breathe. I need you to calm down, okay Sammy?“ he said while standing up, placing both of his hands on Sam's shoulder and holding his brother in place, afraid that Sam might just fall down from his chair. Sam nodded lightly, raising the back of his hand to swipe it across his nose. „I'm sorry I woke you up, Dean.“ - „Stop apologizing. I'd rather take care of my little brother than having him break down in the middle of the night.“ Sam finally lifted his stare from the floor and looked at Dean with his all so well known puppy eyes. They weren't cute this time. No, they were swollen, teary and red. Not light but sadness reflecting in his eyes. For a moment Sam and Dean just looked at each other. It hurt Dean to see his brother that way. Out of all people in the world, Sam was the last one, who deserved this kind of pain.
Dean padded Sam's shoulder before dropping his hands to his sides again, leaning against the table. „You uh ... you wanna talk ab-“ - „Yeah. Actually, I do.“ Sam said. Dean nodded. His little brother saying that he wanted to talk about the mess that was going on in his head, made Dean sigh in relieve. Sam usually never speaks without Dean having to pull it out of him. „It's just a lot, you know- the visions, they … they drive me crazy. Actually, they scare the hell out of me. We have no clue on how to stop Amara and-“ Sam paused, taking a deep breath just like Dean told him earlier. „And everything that happened over the last couple of years. Mom, Dad, hell, purgatory, the Mark of Cain ... I don't know. I guess it just kinda … builds up.“ Sam's mind wandered off, thinking about the last 11 years of his life and the many times he let Dean and other people down, not being able to protect them. Dean knew exactly what his brother was thinking about, getting a little angry that the world would let his little brother think he's a disappointment. „I know that feeling.“ Dean said. Sam turned back at him, a little surprised. „You do?“ Sam already knew that. But he wanted to hear it from his brother. Dean was just as scared and broken as Sam was and Sam knew that. „Of course. We've been through all this crap, together. But look, you can't just fight back those thoughts and lock them away like a wild dog. They will build up until … well, until this happens. And it's no good, trust me Sammy.“ - „I know.“ Sam paused. „It's just … I don't want to bother you with this. I don't want to put any pressure on anyone's shoulders anymore. Especially not on yours, Dean.“ Dean looked at Sam with worried eyes. „You don't. It actually feels good to have you open up about this. It helps.“
And by that Dean did not just mean Sam. No, it also helped himself. Sam smiled lightly, knowing exactly what he meant. A comforting silence filled the room once again, until Sam broke it. „I miss Bobby.“ Sam said quietly after taking another deep breath. „Yeah ...“ Dean said laughing a little through his nose. „I miss him too, Sammy.“ Sam thought about it for a second. The main trigger of him destroying half of the library has been the small piece of paper in his back pocket. „Dean ...“ - „Huh?“ Dean looked at Sam, waiting for him to continue. Sam was overthinking it again before he pulled out the folded paper. He kept it in his fingers, looking at it, playing with one of the sides. „What's that?“ Dean said in a calm voice. Sam kept quiet. Slowly he raised his hand and gave it to Dean. Dean looked down at his little brother with a confused expression, not knowing what to expect. „What is it?“ Dean asked again. „Just open it.“ Dean grabbed the letter while Sam reached out to grab the water bottle Dean brought him earlier. Dean gently unfolded the thin paper.
„So, this is weird huh? Look I just wanted to say that Cas told me what you're doing for Dean and I'm not asking you to stop but maybe going behind his back ain't the best idea. Your brother, he can be stubborn but I think he'd understand and I know it's the life. Doing a little bad so you can do a lot of good. But sometimes the bad is real bad and the good, it can come at one hell of a price. I ain't there on the ground and whatever you do, I know you'll make the right choice. You're a good man, Sam Winchester, one of the best and I'm damn proud of you son. I was content up here but getting a call from you, it's the happiest I've been in forever, no matter what it costs.
So stay safe, keep fighting and kick it in the ass.
- Bobby.“
Dean held his breath when he read the name on the very end of the paper. His mouth was opened slightly and his eyes kept wandering over the words, trying to realize what this is. Sam kept his eyes locked on the water bottle in his hands, scared to look up. It took a while until Dean finally took his eyes off the paper in his hands, turning his gaze back to his little brother, not knowing how to react or what so say. Dean's eyes got watery, his limps were suddenly heavy and his breath – it was still not quiet there. „Since when did you … I mean Sam, how on earth did you-“ - „I contacted Bobby. I asked him for … advice. On the mark. I was worried about you, Dean. Castiel helped and met him in heaven. It's … trust me, it's complicated. Bobby gave this to Castiel.“ Sam didn't want to tell the whole story. Not yet. Not all at once. A lot happened in the last few minutes and not only Sam but also Dean would need a little time to process. Dean would pick the subject up tomorrow anyway. The older brother was still frozen. He wasn't angry like Sam expected him to be. He was just confused, still not fully taking his eyes off the letter. Not only because he couldn't believe what he was holding in his hands, but also because he was afraid that his eyes might just drop a tear if he'd change his gaze. „I didn't want to show you because I was afraid you would get mad at me. I'm sorry, Dean. I had no right to hide this from you and I'm sorry.“ Sam was looking at Dean and his shocked but heartbreaking expression. He was clearly not expecting this. How could he? Dean brought his hand up to his face, running his fingers over his jaw and taking a deep breath. Thinking about Bobby was like turning a switch. Pull yourself together he thought. Say something. „Uhh ...“ Dean shifted from one leg to the other, still leaning on the table. He was looking back at Sam now. „Sam I- I'm not mad at you. I mean yeah sure, I'm a little … disappointed that you didn't bring this up earlier. But I get why you kept this a secret, Sam. I do. With the mark on my arm, I sure as hell wasn't myself back then. I get it. You did the right thing.“ Sam dropped his eyes down to his hands, a smile peeking through. He was seriously relieved that his brother didn't start barking at him like he would usually do. And he was glad that Dean was with him. Even when Sam was at his lowest point, his brother was there for him. And Sam was truly grateful for that. „And just to make that clear - Bobby was right, you know? You're a good man, Sam. One of the best. And I'm just as proud of you as Bobby, Dad and Mom would be right now.“
Sam's heart stopped for a second. Tears started pricking at his eyes once again, but not the kind of tears he shed earlier. This time he was on the edge of crying because barely anyone ever says this. And also because it came from his brother. The one person he was always looking up to. Maybe Sam was only this emotional because of the alcohol in his blood or the fact that he was now thinking about his parents as well, but it surely felt good to just ... let it out. He felt safe for a long time again. He was home, with his brother by his side. „Dean -“ Sam didn't know how to find the right words to say thank you. He was exhausted, tired and his eyelids were heavy from all those tears earlier. „Don't bother.“ Dean said with a smile while holding his hand up. „I get it.“
Both brothers smiled at each other for a moment, before Dean lifted his weight from the edge of the table and walked over to one of the boxes Sam had thrown. He kneeled down and held a pile of files and lose documents in his hands. „Well, I guess we'll have to clean this up tomorrow.“ Sam grinned at his brother's words. „Yeah. Sorry about that. Again.“ - „'s okay. But next time, go out and punch some rusty old cars instead. I'd gladly join you.“