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Clarke has been here before. She’s been heartbroken and sad and over it all.
She went through it with Finn, when she found out he’d been in a committed, long-term relationship with Raven after months of falling for him.
Everyone had told her how great he was, how cute, how smart, how thoughtful. She believed every single word they said because she had no reason to believe anything else. He was there and he was happy and they could talk about anything. She felt like he understood her and he helped her see her for who she really was, who she wanted to be.
Bellamy warned her, though. He warned her that he was too nice and too thoughtful. He didn’t trust him at all. And Clarke ignored him because Bellamy always had bad things to say about the men and women she brought into their lives. Bellamy hated everyone. Hell, sometimes she thought Bellamy hated her. So, she ignored him and listened to everyone else. They were wrong, though. They were just telling her what she wanted to hear.
And this time, everyone made it clear how they felt about Lexa. Octavia hated her and Lexa hated her right back. Raven wanted to run her over with her Jeep. Monty tried to be nice to her because he was Monty, but eventually he just stopped talking to Lexa all together. Jasper was afraid of her. She was intense, Clarke didn’t blame him. And after the first time, Bellamy just refused to hang out with them if Lexa was going to be around.
And she still didn’t listen. To Clarke, Lexa was everything she thought she needed. She worked harder than anyone she had ever met. She was determined and just the right kind of stubborn. She stood up for what she believed and made sure everyone knew what she was thinking. She was strong and Clarke felt stronger just by being with her.
That is, until she realized how little she was actually with Lexa. Because, even when Lexa was around, Clarke could barely get a read on her and how she felt about their relationship. They spent their time together, sure, but they weren’t together.
When Clarke was with her friends, she knew she could tell them anything, they could joke and laugh, they could cry. But with Lexa? Clarke felt like Lexa didn’t see her as an equal or someone she even trusted all that much. Clarke felt like she belonged to Lexa and Clarke Griffin didn’t belong to anyone.
“It’s done,” she says one day, falling onto the couch next to Bellamy. Raven and Miller look at her from across the coffee table, eyebrows raised in a question.
“What’s done?” Bellamy asks, not taking his eyes off the television.
“Me and Lexa,” she explains and he finally looks at her. She’s surprised to find he looks sorry instead of boastful. “Did you know that she’s a terrible girlfriend?”
“I mean, we could tell she was a terrible human being,” Miller says and Raven punches him in the arm, but Clarke laughs.
“Are you okay?” Bellamy asks her gently and she shrugs. She’s not okay. She’s sad and she’s heartbroken. It took her months to see what all her friends saw and she feels like an idiot.
“I need a drink,” is all she says, though. She gets up to go to the kitchen and asks, “Does anyone else need one?”
“I’ll co-“ Raven starts and stops abruptly. Clarke doesn’t even turn around to see why now that she’s got her mind set on one of Bellamy and Miller’s beer.
When she turns away from the fridge, though, she’s surprised to find Bellamy was the one to follow her. “You know,” he says with a small smirk, “you have really terrible taste in romantic prospects.”
“Thank you for kicking me while I’m down,” she says with a tight, forced smile. She breathes in deeply and he gives her a knowing look. “I know, okay? You don’t need to be a dick about it.”
“Sure I do,” he smiles and she shoves him. He catches her by the wrist and pulls her toward him. Not too close, just close enough. “I am sorry you’re upset. You deserve better.”
“Thank you,” she tells him and he nods, letting her arm drop back to her side.
After that, life settles down for her. She tries dating, but nothing sticks and, eventually, it’s not because of a broken heart. She just doesn’t want to date someone if she doesn’t see a future in it. What’s the point?
“No date tonight?” Monty asks when she slides in next to him at the bar on a Friday night. He’s there with Miller, Jasper, and Raven and Clarke can see Bellamy at the bar shamelessly flirting with the bartender.
“I’m done with dating,” she tells them, but Raven just scoffs and Miller looks at her like she’s an idiot. “Well, I’m not actively trying right now.”
“Actively trying what?” Bellamy asks when he joins them, sitting across from Clarke.
“Dating,” Monty explains and he nods slowly. He doesn’t believe her either.
“Yes, Dating," she confirms, "at least until I find something that could last. I am going to miss making out with people on the regular, though,” she sighs, taking a long sip of her beer. It’s cold and refreshing and she’s glad she’s out with her friends instead of trolling for someone to kiss, but still… Clarke loves making out.
“Since I am also on a dating hiatus, I am here for you,” Raven offers and Clarke smiles, reaching over to squeeze her hand.
“I appreciate that,” she laughs, “but, been there, done that.”
“Ouch,” Raven says, snagging her hand back. Clarke laughs again. “You know, if you’re looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, you should know they’re going to expect you to make out with them more than once.”
The rest of the table nods in agreement and she shrugs. Raven is definitely going to be in her life for as long as they live, but not in the way she’s talking about. Being screwed over by the same guy, apparently, is a great basis for lifelong friendship. However, it does nothing for them in terms of love and marriage.
“I think Miller is also available to make out with you, then,” Bellamy offers and she narrows her eyes at him. “You haven’t sucked his face yet, have you?”
“I have not,” she answers, smiling impishly looking at Miller. He’s smiling at her, like he’s game for whatever, but she knows.
“I mean, I won’t enjoy it,” he tells her, “but, yeah. I’m here if you need me.”
“I appreciate that, Miller.”
She rests her head on Monty’s shoulder and her eyes fall on Bellamy. He’s looking at her, too, but he’s got an unfamiliar look on his face. He’s actually studying her a little and it makes her uncomfortable. He knows she’s looking at him and, yet, he doesn’t look away. It’s enough to get her talking about something completely unrelated to the conversation at hand.
“I’m pretty sure my mom and Kane are fucking,” she announces and she sees Raven’s head snap in her direction.
“Since when?” she demands and Clarke shrugs.
She has no clue how long her mom and her dad’s best friend have been messing around with each other, but after seeing more than enough casual intimacy between them when she was home to visit, she’s sure they are.
“Are you okay?” Monty asks her and she shrugs again.
She doesn’t really care, but she also kind of does. Her dad’s been dead for years and Marcus was always just as close to her mom, but it feels like they’re forgetting about her father. She wants her mom to be happy, but she’s not sure she wants her mom to be happy with him.
“We’ll see how I feel when she admits it,” she says and Monty squeezes her hand on top of the table.
And life goes on. Her mother admits to sleeping with Kane. Actually, she admits to being in love with Kane. Clarke takes the first part well because she already pretty much knew. The second part, she does not take well. She pretends to and then she leaves, making sure to slam her mother’s front door just a little to make sure she knows.
And then she ends up at Raven’s where the rest of her friends are already hanging out. Octavia and Lincoln are playing videogames while Monty and Jasper impatiently wait their turn. Miller, Bellamy, and Raven are playing a complicated card game at the kitchen table, so she joins them and looks at Bellamy’s card over his shoulder.
“They’re in love,” she says, pretty much directly in his ear, and he jerks away and looks at her over the top of his glasses.
“Could you elaborate?” Miller asks her, tossing down a card.
“Mom and Marcus,” she explains and they all nod. Bellamy pushes his glasses up his nose and throws down his own card.
“Are we calling him Marcus now? Is that a thing because he’s in love with your mom?” He asks and she shakes her head.
“We’re not calling him anything,” she says. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to pretend it’s not real, please join me.”
“You got it,” Bellamy promises and she smiles at him. He nudges her shoulder with his own and she settles against him, keeping a close watch on his cards—even though she still has no idea what they’re playing or how it works.
Eventually she gets bored with them and goes into the living room to squish in a chair with Octavia. While she braids Clarke’s hair, Clarke watches the boys play their videogames and she eats their popcorn. It’s a standard Friday night, honestly, but it somehow feels like more. Maybe it’s because she needed it after dinner with her mom. Maybe it’s because she keeps catching Bellamy smiling in the other room, which just goes to show it’s a good night since he doesn’t smile all that much on regular nights. Maybe it’s because she’s had a long week and Octavia’s fingers playing with her hair has always been a comfort. But, whatever the reason, she is happy, even if her mom and Kane are in love. So is she, with her friends and her life.
“Come on,” Bellamy says when he wakes her up later. She blinks up at him and he smirks at her. “I’ll drive you home.”
She looks around the room to see that Lincoln and Octavia are already gone, so is Jasper. Miller and Monty are walking out the door and Raven is standing in the doorway leading into the living room in a pair of flannel pants and a tank top.
“I’ll meet you in the car,” Clarke tells Bellamy and he nods, turning to say goodbye to Raven. After he leaves, she finally pushes herself to stand and staggers a bit from just waking up.
“You haven’t made out with Bellamy yet, either,” Raven says and Clarke is suddenly very awake.
“What are you talking about?”
“Last month,” Raven reminds her. “You want someone new to make out with, Bellamy can be that someone.”
“Bellamy cannot be that someone,” Clarke insists and Raven glares at her, completely unimpressed. “He’s Bellamy.”
“And Miller is Miller,” Raven counters. “You were willing to make out with him.”
“Miller isn’t Bellamy,” Clarke mutters, pulling on her shoes. “I can’t kiss Bellamy. It would be a disaster.”
“Because you’d want to do it for the rest of your life?” Raven asks gently and Clarke shakes her head slowly. “Don’t lie to me, Griffin.”
“I’m not lying,” she insists, though, she very well might be.
She’s considered the Bellamy option since that night in the bar. He’s unnaturally attractive with his tan skin and freckles scattered across his face, with or without his glasses, his messy curls that he can’t stop touching—Bellamy is beautiful.
And he’s also Bellamy. He’s always there. Even when he’s being an ass, he’s usually doing it to help her somehow. He gives her sweatshirts when she’s cold at his apartment and has never once called her out on taking them home with her. And he knows her, he knows how she ticks, and he still smiles at her and offers her rides home when she could easily order an Uber.
“I should go,” she tells Raven and she nods, smiling like she knows what’s going through her mind. She probably does. She always does.
“Goodnight,” she says in singsong voice and Clarke rolls her eyes before walking out.
Bellamy’s leaning against the hood of his car, looking at his phone, and she waits at the door to watch him. He pushes his glasses up with his free hand and then runs it through his hair. He smiles at his screen and shakes his head. And it strikes her, like it always does in the quiet moments, how much she likes having him in her life. And she knows, all at once, that if she were to ever make out with Bellamy Blake, it wouldn’t be a onetime thing.
He must feel her watching him because he looks up and smiles before pushing himself away from the car and shoving his phone into his pocket. “You ready?” He asks and she nods, walking over to him.
She stops right in front of him and he cocks an eyebrow like he’s known to do when he’s confused. She smiles at him and he returns it slowly—shyly. She stands on her toes and licks her lips, watching his eyes fall to watch and listening to him swallow hard.
When Clarke presses her lips against his, Bellamy doesn’t respond. Not at first. But when she presses harder and puts her hands on his shoulders, his fingers find her hips and pull her body against his, leaning down and kissing her back.
It’s not too long, just long enough for her to find out, once and for all, that Bellamy is a phenomenal kisser. He’s the first to pull back and she steps away just enough to study him. His lips are still parted slightly and his eyes are a little frantic, but he doesn’t let go of her.
“What was that?” He asks and it comes out in one breath, his deep voice somehow even deeper.
“You suggested I should make out with Miller,” she reminds him and he nods. “Why didn’t you suggest I make out with you?”
“Because if we’re going to do this, it’s going to happen again and again and again,” he warns her. Clarke smiles and he shakes his head, like she doesn’t understand. “You can’t just kiss me and expect it not to mean anything.”
“It means everything,” she tells him softly and his smile is so wide she can’t help but kiss him again.
“I thought you were done dating?”
“I told you I was done until I found something I thought could last me forever,” she agrees and he closes his eyes, resting his forehead against hers. “I’m not saying this will last forever, but I am saying it has the potential to. If we don’t fuck it up, that is.”
“I don’t want to fuck it up,” Bellamy says and Clarke knows it’s a promise.