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It's when the door falls shut that Alexis knows that it's over. “I'll go home,” Micha said—no, Kaiser said. “I'll have your stuff shipped to your parents’ place.”
It's after the match versus P.X.G. Of course it is. That's when it all went down the drain. They showered and everyone else left because they wanted to give Kaiser and Alexis the privacy to work things out. Kaiser in his training jacket all zipped up like an unmistakable barrier and Alexis, waiting like a patient dog on the bench, in the oversized sweater he likes to wear when the Japanese air-con hits a little too hard and makes a shiver run down his spine.
This time the sweater didn't help much.
“Don't come crawling on your knees, Ness. Spare us both the embarrassment. I have nothing else to say.”
It was hard to hear his words over the rushing blood in Alexis' ears. Over his wheezing breath, the violent sobs. The begs and pleas, “Don't go, Micha, please, don't leave, don't leave me !”
It’s the sound of the door, metallic, heavy, final, that makes Alexis understand: it's over. Their bond, their friendship, their relationship. That fragile little thing that Alexis nurtured, with his magic, his love, until he thought it unbreakable, invincible, forever. It all ended when Kaiser asked him to find a different master, a new king. As if that was what Alexis saw in him. And maybe that's the problem: Kaiser doesn't need him any more, because he always regarded Alexis as a tool, an experiment, a pet. To Kaiser, they were never on eye level. When to Alexis they were. Friends. Best friends. Or even more?
That's why he cries his eyes out. His chest hurts as if Kaiser had smashed his ribcage and ripped his heart out. In a way he has. To think of him not as “Micha” but as “Kaiser” feels like a stab into his throat. He feels sick. He wants to scream, but he can't. It won't help anyway. So he sinks onto the floor, weak, aching, alone. No one loves him. No one needs him. He's unlovable, always has been. If he disappeared now, no one would come looking for him.
“Alexis?”
It's not Kaiser. Kaiser doesn't call him Alexis. Doesn't call him Lex anymore, either. He's Ness now. Or is he?
“Alexis,” in a voice so familiar, soft, almost insecure. “Hey…”
He looks up from where he sits on the ground. Through the tears he sees the ginger hair he expects, the green strand, not much more.
“Theo,” he croaks out.
“Are you okay?” He sits down next to Alexis, on the tile floor of the locker room and answers his own question: “I'm sorry… Of course you're not okay.” He awkwardly pats Alexis' shoulder. “Should I go talk to him?”
Naturally he knows what happened. They all know. Everyone on the field, on the benches, on the bleachers. The spectators at home, the entire world. Everyone saw Micha—Kaiser!—crush Alexis' dream and soul and love.
And it's sweet of Theo to ask if he can help. But there's nothing he can do. If this is Kaiser’s decision, then Alexis has to respect it. An obedient dog to the bitter end. No matter if he dies from how much it hurts.
“Don't,” he whispers, because he doesn't trust his voice. “It will only make him angry.” He inhales, and even that hurts. Maybe he can't live like this. “There's no helping it. He left me.” Yes. Maybe he'll die. Saying it out loud is a dagger in his heart.
He screams. Or maybe he's silent. He can't tell. What he knows is that he collapses forward, dead. But he's not, because if he were, it wouldn't hurt.
And Theo’s there. He catches him, his hands gentle and warm, pulls him closer until Alexis is in his arms, crying, dying. Maybe.
“I'm sorry, Alexis,” he murmurs into his messy curls. “You don't deserve this. He's such an asshole. He never treated you right, but this is the worst. You did nothing wrong. You're perfect, Alexis, he's just a bastard.”
Ironic, isn't it? It's written on all their jerseys, but Kaiser has taken it to heart.
“I'm not good enough-” he tries to reason, tries to find an explanation, but Theo won't let him finish.
“You are,” he cuts in, his fingers combing through Alexis' hair softly. It's still moist from the shower. “You're amazing. You're the team's beating heart. They don't call you a magician for nothing.” He squeezes Alexis a little in his embrace. “I'm so sorry, Alexis. I wish that didn't have to happen. I knew he was a sick fuck, but this is nothing you should have to go through. I know you love him so much, and to see you hurting like this breaks my heart. When I… When I…” He falls silent and leans his cheek against Alexis' hair. “You should be happy,” he murmurs eventually. His voice is low, and so, so soft. “I really want you to be happy.”
If only Kaiser thought like that. “You're nice, Theo,” he sobs, clinging to Theo's loose green shirt. It feels good to have someone who says these things, to hold him. If only- “I wanted to be happy,” he remembers. “I thought I was. Useful. I thought with him I could be someone valuable, someone with purpose. But he just let go of me as if I'm nothing but… as if I'm not worth loving! Because I'm not!” It's always been the same, hasn't it? His parents don't love him. Kaiser doesn't love him. “No one loves me!”
“That's not true!” Theo objects, grabbing him by the shoulders and pushing him upright so they face each other again. “There are plenty of people who love you!”
The tears fall harder than ever. “Liar!” He wouldn't be crying on a stupid locker room floor if that was true. “No one loves me, why should they?!” It's a hard pill to swallow, but he's all alone now, isn't he? In his darkest hour, he has no one to rely on. It's all the proof he needs.
“But they do,” Theo insists. “You're one of the best midfielders in the world! You're smart and sweet and handsome! Your eyes are pretty, and your smile is cute and you work harder than anyone else. There are so many reasons to love you, and so many who do.”
What a bad joke. “No one does,” he sobs. “Show me one person who does…” But it's all meaningless. He's no one. Nothing. Just dust in the wind. There's no such thing as magic. There's no such thing as love, not for him. Theo won't answer him, because all that is left of Alexis is this husk, emptiness that Kaiser left behind. No one could love someone like him.
And Theo smiles. It's a weird moment to do that. “He's right in front of you.” With both hands on Alexis' shaking shoulders. “Someone who loves you.” He swallows. “He's been right here from the beginning.”
But that can't be true. Theo is not- Theo wouldn't-
“You're sweet,” Alexis murmurs. “The way you try to cheer me up. I appreciate it.”
“You don't believe me.” It's not a question. Instead, Theo sounds defeated.
Of course not. “It’s like you, really,” he notes. It's true. Theo has been nice to him from the first day. He's been polite and a little reserved, but Alexis has gotten along with him from the start and Theo is a good friend. That's why he says things like that now, right? To cheer Alexis up. After all, loving him has been too much for Kaiser and even his own family. What has he even done for Theo? Nothing comes to mind. There's no way Theo feels anything for him. “But pretending will only hurt more in the end, right?” His dead heart is proof of it after all.
“Is this what he made of you?” Blue-green eyes flit from Alexis’ eyes to his mouth and back up again. “If he really convinced you that you are not worth being loved, then he's worse than I thought.” He grits his teeth in a way that is so unlike Theo, it makes Alexis hold his breath. “And what if I-” He pulls Alexis closer by his shoulders, until there are only centimeters between their faces. “And what if I was serious? What if all those things you are so certain of are just wrong? What if you are worthy? What if you are valuable? Useful. Handsome.” He looks at Alexis' lips. “Loved. What if you had no idea that I've been in love with you from the first moment? What if you can be happy? Alexis …”
“Theo…” It's weird. Why is Theo so close? Why is he even here? It should have been only Alexis: Alexis without Kaiser, without Micha , left behind, all alone, sad and poor and broken. Why is Theo here?
“I-” But Theo doesn't say it. He just leans forward that remaining centimeter and they kiss.
They kiss.
Why?
But does it matter now? Or is the only thing that matters Theo’s hands on his shoulders that keep him upright. Is it the warmth of his lips, this softness? Is it that Alexis is not so sure anymore that it's just a way to distract him? Is it that he hasn't even noticed until now that he has stopped crying?
Alexis has kissed before. A long time ago. He wanted to kiss Kaiser, but it never happened. His crush was unrequited. Is Theo's? It's hard to tell.
Because Alexis closes his eyes. Tilts his head, leans in. His fingers find the loose green shirt again, tug on it. It's nice, being kissed. Being loved. Maybe.
In hindsight he always was nice, Theo. Alexis wonders, absentmindedly, why that is. Theo is a good friend. He was there, in a way, all the time. Lurking. Not like a shadow, no, nothing so sinister. More like that spot of light that reflects off the shining, sparkling surface that is Kaiser. Something that is there, in the corner of your eyes. Unremarkable but when you look closely… It's nice. Theo is. His kiss is. His shirt is, feeling soft between Alexis' fingers. He's warm, and steady, gentle. He's here . When it should have been only Alexis. A lonely boy, a broken heart. His heart is still broken, but he's not lonely. The tiles are smooth and hard, but it doesn't hurt. His heart is still broken, and it still hurts, but Theo is nice.
And that's why Alexis lifts his hands. Combs his fingers into the ginger and green hair that feels so different from Kaiser's, but so nice. He tilts his head, he leans in, more, opens his mouth and they kiss. Tongue on tongue, his lips against Theo's. Theo!
“Theo,” he whispers into the kiss. Who would've thought? “Theo!” when he finds himself on his back, his heart pounding, still, or again, he can't tell.
Green-blue eyes roam over him, the countless freckles blurring under the blush on Theo’s face. “I'm sorry,” what for? “I shouldn't have… That was too sudden, I should have asked-”
Yes, maybe, but, “Theo!” And Alexis pulls him closer, kisses him. Again. More. It's not good, but it is. Hands in hair and Theo gasps and maybe it's not the best thing to do when Alexis is heartbroken, when Kaiser just left him like a stupid little dog. But it's better than crying. It's better than screaming from pain and helplessness.
Being loved, if that is what he is after all, is nice.
And so they kiss. Until Theo runs out of breath, but Alexis doesn't give him much of a break. He kisses him again, and again. Until Theo is a panting mess, cheeks blush red, his hands shaking when they grab Alexis' waist.
And Alexis moans. He doesn't mean to. There's just so much going on. His heart needs it. His soul, too. And his body.
Theo stops. “Alexis, I-”
They need to talk, Alexis is aware of it. It hasn't even been half an hour since Kaiser walked out. Inside he's still bleeding. To use Theo as a bandaid is all kinds of wrong. But he's high on adrenaline. The match versus P.X.G., the thrill of the goals, the heartbreak, the shock. Theo's hug. Theo's lips. Theo's blush, that looks so cute on him.
Alexis is in so much pain. There's a hole in his chest where his heart used to be. He wants to be loved so badly. Theo can do that for him, can't he?
“Please,” he begs. His breath stutters. “Don't stop now.” If Theo drops him now, too, the world will end.
But he doesn't. He looks Alexis in the eyes, gentle, reliable Theo. “I know you love him,” he says. “I know that you may never stop. That I'm not the one you chose. And I can't give you what you want. But I can give you what you need.” He smiles. “I want you to be happy.” His eyes close, only for a second. “You are loved. I can tell.”
And that's when Alexis starts crying again. And he wishes it wasn't painful. He wishes it was cleansing, liberating. But it never is. Crying is always painful. Even when Theo kisses him. Even when Theo loves him. Even when Alexis pulls him closer, lets him kiss his chin and throat. Pulls his sweater over his head. The tears don't stop, but it's not so messy anymore when soft kisses rain down on Alexis’ collarbones and chest, when soft hands trace the outline of where his heart used to be. Theo, somehow, fills the crate in his chest with gentle caresses, with his warm breath, with whispers of “I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy.” And “You're beautiful. You're perfect.” And “I love you.”
Until it's them, on the locker room floor, naked and pliant. Their lips are red from kissing, their hair disheveled, their limbs tangled. Theo feels good. He's wanted this, is what he said. “I fell in love at first sight.” It's okay. “I know you will never love anyone the way you love him, but..” He closes his eyes. His lashes are red. “You could get used to me. I've been patient. I can wait for you to find you like me like that.” It's post orgasm bliss. And it still hurts to be reminded of Kaiser.
“I don't want to use you,” he replies.
But Theo shakes his head and smiles. “You don't take from me. I give this to you, freely. If you'll allow me.” He lets his eyes wander, following the shape of Alexis' ear, his messy curls. “If you don't want to keep me around, that's okay. I can be there for you for as long as you need me. For today, or a week, or a year. Until you can be happy. That's what I want.” It's a nice thing to say.
Alexis swallows. “But it's bad to give you hope.”
“It's not a bad thing.” He chuckles. “I never thought you'd look at me twice. Every kiss is so much more than I expected. This is already better than what I had thought. If this is the last I see of you, I've still won.”
It won't be. Alexis wants to be loved. It almost doesn't matter by whom. “Theo,” he says. Nothing else. He could get used to it. Theo is nice. Handsome. Gentle. A good friend. A good lover. He makes Alexis stop crying. That's more than most have done for him.
He wants to try. If Theo loves him already, that can heal the hole in his chest. Maybe. It's something. Something nice.
So Alexis kisses him. There, and again after they've gotten dressed again.
Benedict waits outside. He smiles a small smile. Did he keep watch so no one enters the locker room? How much did he hear? Does he smile because Theo holds Alexis' hand?
Erik has a nosebleed. “He punched me back,” he sneers. “But I punched harder. Asshole deserves it for hurting you like that.”
Alexis didn't know Erik could fight, and he doesn't like it, but he appreciates the gesture.
He starts crying again, because of course he does. He's always been a crybaby.
He cries again when they're back home. He cries again when he receives the things Kaiser sent him, just a few personal items he had at Kaiser’s place. He cries again when Kaiser transfers to Real after all. And on Christmas. And when Theo takes him to the family dinner and Frau Sachs hugs him as if he was part of the family.
Alexis cries a lot over the years. But not always because he's sad, or because it still hurts. Sometimes he cries because he's just so helpless. Because Theo didn't lie. Sometimes he cries because he's overwhelmed. Happy. He can be that, apparently. Even without Kaiser (especially without Kaiser?). That has changed.
Some things never change though. Alexis doesn't have a heart now. Kaiser took that with him. As brutal as it sounds, he was the first person Alexis ever truly gave himself up for. The only person, even. But that isn't a good thing, he finds, after years. It's unhealthy.
Theo is different. Theo doesn't look down on him the way Kaiser turned out doing.
Theo looks at him with green-blue eyes and smiles. He's precious. Subtle, but nice. Yes.
“What is it?”
Alexis smiles, too. “Nothing. I just thought…” He dips the tip of his shoe, the ball twirling around it before he stops it with the side of his foot. “Let's have pasta for dinner.”
The referee’s whistle blow restarts the game.
The win the DFB Pokal final game 3:2.
After they've showered, there will be a party, but for some reason no one leaves the locker room. Benedict stands by the door and it reminds Alexis of when he kept watch that day, back in Japan, when Theo confessed to him. Just that back then it was only Alexis in the locker room, and Theo. Today everyone's here. Alexis is not alone. He never was.
“There's something…” Theo starts, making Alexis turn around to him.
The green strand is vibrant. Theo dyed it yesterday. The final match is a big deal. His cheeks are glowing from a blush that is so familiar by now. And then something weird happens.
“I know that I'm not the one you gave your heart to,” Theo says, slowly. “But you’ve still kept me by your side for four years now.”
Alexis stares at him.
Everyone stares at him.
“It's more than I ever hoped for. Because you always felt so unreachable. But I swore that I'd make you happy. No matter what it takes, and I…” He chuckles but it's weak.
Alexis can't breathe. What is happening?
“I think that I really gave my best, and… and…” Theo stutters and balls his fists. “I think that I did a pretty good job, so-” He looks at Alexis with a small smile. “I'm so scared now, but… I know I can't give you what you want. But I want to give you what you need.” He exhales, shakily. “Alexis, I…” And he sinks onto his knee.
Behind them, Erik mutters “Fuck”, and that's when Theo holds his fist out and opens his fingers.
“Alexis, do you… would you…”
It's hard to see through the tears that spill over immediately: it's a ring.
And it’s the sound of his own sob that makes Alexis understand: Theo meant it.
Alexis cries. That day. And later, when he tells his parents. And even later when he signs the documents. And then, after a few days, when he receives the letter:
To: Alexis and Theo Ness
From: Michael Kaiser.
He doesn't read it. He doesn't need to. He throws it away, crying, but he knows that the door that fell shut that day doesn't need to be opened ever again. And only then is it really over.