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"Are you all right?" Dex asked, even though he seemed to be repeating variations of this question a lot lately.
"I'm fine. It's just... I've dreamt about this moment so many times that now that I'm here, I feel..."
"Overwhelmed," Dex finished for him, understanding. " You can't blame yourself, this situation is fucked up but you're holding on under the circumstances."
"You think I'm better than I am."
"Tell me something I don't know and we'll see if you can shock me," the Besalisk suggested as he finished wolfing down his meal from the table on a covered terrace they had chosen for its unobstructed view of the speeder they had hired.
Dex had had the time and opportunity to put his negotiating skills into practice in the field and had been rather positively surprised by the decent welcome the locals had given him. They were not as bitter or easily corrupted as he had expected them to be, although with enough credit even those who remained silent abandonned the isolated couple to their fate.
"I've killed people."
"I did that too."
"I killed them out of anger."
"I tend to think it's preferable to killing in cold blood, especially at your age," he replied matter-of-factly.
He had not particularly thought that Anakin might have been directly responsible – or even guilty – of the death of one or more people, but... well, Jedi tended to claim casualties when they fought. Oh sure, he knew what Obi-Wan said about it: self-defence... but where did the boundary of what was self-defence begin and end? When a Jedi started a fight, it was almost statistically impossible to find examples of their opponents backing down, death or horrific injury was the only way to stop confirmed criminals.
Tragic for Anakin though. He had really been a Padawan going into the field since he was what, thirteen or so? Before that he had spent three years catching up with other kids his age, which meant... which meant that in the last two years the boy had killed several people.
It could not have been easy.
"You're... so relaxed about it."
Dex thought about it for a second before realising that yes, maybe he was a bit nonchalant, but on the other hand he had lived many lives and practised professions where you could not survive or prosper if the fear of the end paralysed you at every turn.
" Maybe I am. It's still normal though, death is the consequence and the end of life, what doesn't live doesn't die. It's a pity for these people, but I'd feel more sorry for their loved ones because they're the ones who mourn and remember... and what's more, if I started mourning every death that happens around me I wouldn't have finished."
"I was taught to value all life."
"Yeah, it probably sucks to rationalise something like life, but when you think about it, people die or experience tragedy every day and we'll never be able to prevent it. No one is all-knowing and all-powerful. The only thing we can do, eventually, is to take care of our loved ones as much as we can."
"I'm not going to lie, that goes against everything the Jedi do," the human admitted as he finished his own meal. "I'd probably have had to leave if they'd known about some of these stories."
One day, oh yes one day, Dex promised himself that he would question Obi-Wan in depth about what he thought of the fact that his apprentice had killed people but that apparently murder could sometimes be justified for the Jedi, he was curious to know how the self-righteous and sanctimonious morality of his Order justified that. Don't get him wrong, he adored his friend, he just was not losing his critical mind for all that.
"Have you ever thought about it before? Leaving."
"Several times. Not so long ago, I even tried to do it, more calmly though. I'd been thinking about it, I felt the Force was calling me elsewhere, so I tried to talk to Obi-Wan about it, but he wasn't really listening. I even gave him my lightsaber at the time."
"Why did you choose to stay then?"
The boy frowned, pensive as he stirred the little food that remained for him to eat on his plate.
"It's... I owe them so much, you know? I'd still be a slave without them."
Why was he saying that? It had nothing to do with...
Oh no.
"Ani, listen to me. You have nothing to be grateful for when someone frees you from slavery. It was an act of compassion."
"Oh no, it was a perfectly self-serving act. Qui-Gon didn't fight to take my mother away or go after her afterwards, the same for the Order after that, only me, because I could be a Jedi."
Even worse.
"Why didn't anyone freed your mother, kid?" Dex asked hesitantly, not quite sure he wanted to hear the answer.
So far he had thought Anakin was an orphan or that his parents had left him to the Order like everyone else did, and he had not had much time to sit and think about the fact that she was a slave, but now it was something that was running through his mind. Why? Why had not anyone done anything for her, not even Obi-Wan? Dex knew he had dealt with slavers and had been through some rough stuff as a young Jedi child across the Republic, so why had not he helped his Padawan get some peace of mind?
"It was a lesson for me. I had to learn to let her go, not to think I was above everything, not to think I could do whatever I wanted, that sort of thing."
Dex was horrified to hear that, it was so twisted. Making two people suffer just to "teach a lesson" to a slave kid who had lost everything and had not even really had a choice about whether or not to become a Jedi. It was such a decadent philosophy, so immoral. A person could do good in their community and work for the greater good without refusing to be part of that community, marry someone and maybe have children. And if those things were not for them, just, you know, having decent parents who loved them without requiring them to be willing to lay down their lives at any moment for others.
He remembered one of those phrases from their mantra: ‘there is no emotion, there is peace’... the Jedi were creating whole generations of space wizards who lost their compassion for others under the guise of ensuring the stability of the Republic and the greater good. Because it was more important to save queens, princes and governors than to ensure that slavery was abolished everywhere within the Republic's borders, was not it?
That kind of self-righteousness and hypocritical double standards was really sickening.
"So not content with taking you in such a disgusting way for anyone who has a family and knows the value of the bonds that unite its members, they chose to make you their accomplice. I can't approve of that. Every year that you became more and more independent and therefore able to act on your own, you didn't because of their teaching and what, they hoped you wouldn't feel guilty? No, don't defend them, they don't deserve it. She's your mom, you're not a failure for caring about the one person in the world who will always care about you first and do everything for you when clearly they don't care about your emotional wellbeing. You said it yourself, they set you free out of self-interest, to take advantage of you in some way because you could be turned into one of them. This kind of behaviour does not call for eternal submission in penitence or thanksgiving."
"... but they-"
"Besides, isn't it you who won the race he bet your life on? You're the one who put in all the effort and took all the risks, don't give them the glory."
Dex stopped when he saw the teenager suddenly lower his head. Maybe that was a bit too much.
"Let's go," he grumbled, trying to calm his indignation, "and if this guy lied, we'll come back and I'll beat the shit out of him."
"As long as you leave me help," the young Jedi grumbled as he wrapped his face in a cloth, his eyes shining with more than annoyance before brightening as Dex settled into the passenger seat. "You're the best!"
"I know, I know, now about the speed-"
"Don't worry, I mean, I did race pods and won the Bonta Eve after all!"
He did... and he was driving way too fast, only slowing down when they saw a house.
"Stop here," he ordered.
"What's the point? We can stop right next to the house."
"No, we can't, because that would probably worry them, we don't want them shooting at us thinking we're thieves or mercenaries."
As if to prove him right, someone got out and started walking in their direction before apparently seeing them and turning round and running towards the building.
"There, you see?"
"Sure, sure... let's go!"
"I don't like your tone young man... but yes, let's go."
With these words, he pushed the boy to the ground and started walking without waiting for the teenager who was shouting indignantly at the ground and ranting against the sand.
This kid was a great kid, really, how had Obi-Wan managed to lose his trust and screw things up so badly?