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Being thrown right into a bus wasn’t the most practical way of getting around, but Hyunsu had other things to worry about. Getting to the stadium was one of them, but his current situation wasn’t much help.
He barely even had time to process that a car had gotten rammed into him before he opened his eyes and found himself inside the bus. Half of his stupid wing had penetrated the thing and he was stuck with the task of getting it out.
“Fuck,” he whispered, his uncanny blue eyes shaking as he continuously attempted to retract the God-forsaken weapon of a wing. “Stupid wing…” he muttered, pulling it back as if it would do anything.
Hyunsu could hear footsteps approaching, lifting one leg after the other to step onto the bus. He couldn’t care less, though, because they were probably the steps of someone trying to kill him.
Who wasn’t trying to kill him, really? He was willing to bet that that mini-car crash was an attempt in itself. He could’ve died if not for his supernatural abilities.
But whatever, he was alive and there were things to do. The body of Cha Hyunsu wouldn’t move by itself, and it was up to him, the head-driven monster, to get him to the stadium.
At least, that’s what he was thinking for the few moments he had his head facing in front of him. The second he turned his head, he was met with a face that was all too familiar to him. Both him and Cha Hyunsu. The real Hyunsu.
Lee Eunhyuk, the monstrous voice in his head roared. He quivered at the sight of the man who he knew was supposed to be dead. He was so sure that he’d been buried under the rubble, been infected by desire months ago.
Eunhyuk-hyung…
This time it was Hyunsu, Cha Hyunsu, speaking. The monster taking over his body was afraid of what Hyunsu could do given this stimuli. This face, this memory. He could be drowned out in a heartbeat.
Yet all he could do was blink up at Eunhyuk in awe. With his mouth slightly open, all Hyunsu could do was stare. Stare and hope that the more he blinked, the less opaque the figure in front of him would become.
Maybe that was his first mistake.
Hyunsu, no, the monster could feel itself switching on and off with every shut of the eye. The powers deteriorated, the stinge of bloodthirsty yearning died down into a daunting facade.
If his eyes could be personified, they would be groaning, moaning in pain. It felt as though his irises were being detached right from his eyeballs, being replaced with something else. This was it. Cha Hyunsu was coming back now, and the monster could only do so much to stop it.
One more blink was all it took.
Now, this was Cha Hyunsu.
The vulnerable Hyunsu that had been used by all of the Green House tenants. The suicidal Hyunsu that wanted to crawl out of his own skin to settle below the ground, to rip apart at his own soul in secret.
Lee Eunhyuk brought out that dependent Hyunsu.
“Eunhyuk-hyung…” he muttered pathetically, eyes shaking as he tried to grasp onto the fleeting image of his older friend. “You’re– You’re back…” Hyunsu repeated the words in his head as though he were reciting a mantra.
Eunhyuk was back. His hyung was back.
“So you can just pull it out whenever?”
What? Hyunsu begged to hear the voice again. Both so he could hear the question again and so he could linger on the soft sound of his voice. He missed it so much.
He wished every day, every night to hear it one last time. When he was being experimented on like a dog, he begged someone, anyone out there to please, bring his hyung back.
He couldn’t move on without him, certainly couldn’t advance into this monsterization process without the one who got him through life in the first place.
He waited and waited. He prayed with the inkling of faith that he had left in him that his beloved man would come back. Hyunsu wanted Eunhyuk to be alive so badly. If necessary, he would carve his name into his arms, his mind, his heart, and his soul. All to bring him back…
…And there he was. Standing before him. He didn’t have to do any of that.
“W-what?” Hyunsu finally breathed out, a mere whisper amid the chaos that ensued outside.
He could hear gunshots flaring throughout, the names of multiple unknown soldiers being listed after every shot. All that didn’t matter to him, though, because Eunhyuk was in front of him. The figment of his imagination that got him through the experimentation days was now real again. He came back.
“You look refreshed.” Was all Eunhyuk responded with, eyes roaming around the half-ruined bus momentarily before they rested upon Hyunsu’s quivering figure. “That’s a first.” He was as emotionless as ever. The sight ripped Hyunsu’s heart right out of his chest.
“Hyung…” Hyung, hyung, hyung. Hyunsu just wanted to be comforted by him. To be held in his arms like he once was back at the Green House. To be told that yes , everything would be okay as long as he let it.
“I get the feeling that you missed me.” Eunhyuk snorted. Even Hyunsu could tell that it held no humor, no emotion.
And at that, Hyunsu broke.
The internal turmoil that he’d been forced to shove down his throat for the last year came crashing down. The face he’d been wanting to see for the past God damn year was now looking at him indifferently. As though he knew nothing of the sentimental past that Hyunsu held behind his eyes, right in the front of his mind.
“Shit, you missed me that much? I didn’t expect a whole sobfest.” Still, with no emotion at all, Eunhyuk resumed. Hyunsu wept at the words. He couldn’t believe that his Eunhyuk was speaking to him like a mere object.
“You… You…” sobbed the younger. He was so invested in his own emotions that he didn’t even realize his wing was long gone.
“I, I…?” Eunhyuk questioned almost mockingly. Hyunsu could barely lift his head to look at the older, his gaze shivering with unidentifiable emotions. “I can’t really understand you when you’re crying.”
“Where were you?” Hyunsu screamed out, weakly reaching out for Eunhyuk who barely flinched at the sudden movement. “I waited and waited…” he wailed, starting to crawl to the man’s legs.
“Did you?” Eunhyuk hummed, merely watching the boy do as he pleased. He didn’t move but he didn’t react either. It ripped Hyunsu’s heart up into a billion pieces.
“I sat every day like a… like a fucking mutt… waiting for you to– to come back to me, hyung…” Hyunsu’s voice cracked in all the wrong places, his desperation becoming pathetic as he wrapped his arms around Eunhyuk’s lower body. “I listened– listened as Eunyu screamed out your name every night… I… I had to stop myself from doing the same…”
“Eunyu? That’s a shocker.” Eunhyuk tilted his head, his gaze following Hyunsu’s every move. “I don’t see how any of that is important now, though. We have a different conflict on our hands.” he moved on quickly.
“Please, hyung!” Hyunsu screamed, almost blood-curdling. He was sure he would have a sore voice by the end of things, but internally, he didn’t want there to be an end. He wanted this moment to last forever, emotional or not.
“What? What do you want me to do?” Moving under Eunhyuk’s judgemental gaze made Hyunsu feel so weak, so inferior compared to just minutes ago. The monster inside him built him. He was nothing without the monsterization, simply a shell of what he’d endured.
“Please… Just… pretend…” Hyunsu whispered between breaths, having difficulty finding room to breathe. “Pretend that you still… love me…” he clawed at the hem of Eunhyuk’s coat, eyes pleading.
Eunhyuk blinked at Hyunsu, the gears in his mind turning quite visibly as he rendered the two options he had: Pretend or make Hyunsu cry even more. Deciding that he didn’t wish to see more tears leave Hyunsu’s eyes, he lowered his body to the floor of the bus, the younger still holding onto him tightly.
“How do I pretend to love you?” Eunhyuk queried sincerely, brown eyes searching for an answer within Hyunsu’s teary ones. Hyunsu gaped at the question, coming to some sort of realization.
“What are you?” he wept, resting his head on Eunhyuk’s chest as he racked the multiple severities in his brain. Maybe the falling debris did something to his memories? Maybe… maybe…
“Neohuman. I am not human, but neohuman.” Eunhyuk stated simply, as though the information didn’t threaten to knock Hyunsu right off his feet (although he’d already been knocked off his feet from just the sight of him).
“W-what?” The younger boy lifted his head to look into Eunhyuk’s eyes. Hyunsu felt like all he could utter were questions. What this and Why that. Eunhyuk left him so suddenly that he couldn’t help himself.
“I died. Or something like that.” Eunhyuk reiterated slowly, nodding his head as he spoke. “And then I was reborn at the Green House. Popped out of a cocoon and now I’m here.” His nonchalant attitude sent mini waves of shock throughout Hyunsu’s body, scaring him evermore.
“Why are you… behaving like this…?” Hyunsu murmured, resting his head again.
He was so tired of everything—the monsterization, the waiting, the struggles, the emotions, the begging. He wanted to go back to square one, wanted to restart his entire life.
But as long as Eunhyuk was there, Hyunsu could never even imagine taking his own life. If anyone were to do that, it should be Eunhyuk. Hyunsu swore from that moment that if he were to miraculously die, it would be at the hands of Lee Eunhyuk.
“They say we can’t feel. We can’t express emotions nor can we understand them that well.” Eunhyuk explained, watching as Hyunsu made himself comfortable in their position. He was now on the older man’s lap, body limp with submission and desperation.
Hyunsu remained silent, processing the information slowly to make sure he heard it correctly. His Eunhyuk would never truly be his Eunhyuk any longer. The man whose lap he was sitting upon was not Eunhyuk, but rather a shell of what was left of the man.
“But you do remember, don’t you?” Hyunsu queried quietly, hoping that the answer would be Yes . He couldn’t bear the thought of an Eunhyuk who didn’t remember him half as well as Hyunsu remembered the older.
“Of course. I remember you and I remember Eunyu, why wouldn’t I?”
That last sentence alone seemed to hold the most emotion. Hyunsu could hear a twinge, a small crack in the gilded layer of Eunhyuk’s new character. He begged that it wasn’t his imagination playing around with him.
“You remember me, but do you remember… us …?” Hyunsu tilted his head up to look at Eunhyuk. His former power-stricken, taunting eyes were now doe as he waited for a response from his elder.
“Well, what do you mean by that?” Eunhyuk retaliated with his own question, not denying nor accepting the idea. “I assume we must’ve been close. You’re sobbing your eyes out.” The observation was not all too appreciated on Hyunsu’s end.
“ Us, ” Hyunsu repeated firmly. “I’m asking if you remember how we were before everything escalated. How we were to each other. Not to anyone else.” he kept his elaboration vague in hopes that Eunhyuk’s neohuman brain would conjure the rest.
Hyunsu looked at Eunhyuk for a second too long and caught the latter’s eyebrows furrowing in thought. It was then that it hit him—the older didn’t remember those things.
Sure, he remembered Hyunsu; remembered all there was to remember about him, like his monsterization and how he was a fucking pathetic loser. But he didn’t remember what was most important— them .
Hyunsu let his gaze flicker back to the floor of the bus, all hope to diminish within a short second. He had no reason to assume that Eunhyuk would remember everything, especially after a whole year. Hell, the guy probably had moved on by then. Who would remember a more-than-friendship relationship anyway?
“I don’t,” Eunhyuk confirmed Hyunsu’s fears in a soft voice, keenly observing how Hyunsu reacted to the response. “...Maybe I’ll remember if you tell me.” he encouraged, sitting up straighter to support the two of them.
The corners of Hyunsu’s lips lifted slightly, a smile fighting to break out on his face. He knew he could never smile amid the despair of everything, but the memories that were now blossoming in his psyche were comforting. Comforting like a warm hug on a cold day, that’s what they were.
“When we were still at the Green House, we would always talk about things. Things that weren’t the infection. About our lives before everything happened, even if we didn’t have the best things to say.” Hyunsu began. His smile could be heard through the way he spoke, his heart warming up at the retelling.
Eunhyuk listened intently, nodding along as Hyunsu continued. He didn’t remember any of whatever Hyunsu was saying already, but he was willing to listen. He was willing to fabricate memories because he knew that the boy he was holding, whoever he may be, was special to him. To the old him.
“And sometimes I would get emotional after a long day. I would get so sick of having to get everything for everyone. I would fall to the ground after fighting monster after monster even though I had my own monsters inside of me.” Hyunsu’s voice began wobbling. Eunhyuk, though he couldn’t feel any emotion, felt something inside of him. Whether it was sympathy or epiphany, he did not know.
“And you would… you would pat my head, run your hands through my hair… That was before I cut it.” Hyunsu gestured toward the new hairstyle that he had, short and simple. Eunhyuk thought that it was quite fitting, but it wasn’t just his hair that had changed.
From what Eunhyuk could recall, Hyunsu used to look very young. His hair was long and his eyes were fearful. He would wear big clothes that emphasized his lanky figure. His looks reflected the soul that controlled his body—small, frail, weak. He was vulnerable and, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he relied on others.
The man he was looking at now was nothing like what he remembered. He did remember the vision of a short-haired Hyunsu, but he was not at all as gaunt as the one in front of him. This Hyunsu’s cheeks were almost sullen, his features so tired. He felt like a feather in his hand.
After a long pause, Hyunsu breathed in and continued speaking.
“I miss that so much, hyung. You would hold me just like this as you told me everything. You would tell me how it was at medical school before you left. And sometimes you would complain about Eunyu before immediately ranting about how grateful you were for her.” Hyunsu chuckled softly as he reminisced about the times.
“Did you cry like this? When things got tough?” Eunhyuk pondered about the memories, wanting to learn more. Though he could not express, he could learn. He could learn how to do these things.
“No. I wouldn’t cry this much. I just…” Hyunsu breathed out, presumably to stop himself from crying yet again. “I missed you so much, hyung, and… and seeing you like this… unable to remember me or to express emotion… It fucking hurts,” he concluded.
“...What can I do, then?”
“Just hold me. Run your hands through my hair like you used to. Pretend like you still love me like you once did.” Hyunsu responded with as little emotion as Eunhyuk. He seemed like he was reflecting on everything. “Or like how I hoped you did.” he corrected himself.
That confused Eunhyuk. Eunhyuk wasn’t sure if that was an emotion or what, but he felt puzzled by that correction. How Hyunsu appeared to sulk slightly at the word hoped . If he wanted to know more about himself, he should know more about Hyunsu too.
“Hoped?” he parroted, hoping Hyunsu would get the memo and begin to explain. “What were we? What was our relationship?”
Hyunsu paused at the two questions. It seemed like even his breathing had stopped. Eunhyuk had to squeeze his side for him to start breathing again. It was only then that he began to explain.
“We were friends.” Hyunsu briefly answered, biting his lip to stop himself from saying anything else.
He knew deep down that it would mean nothing if he confessed now, but he still felt the same as he did a year ago. He still loved his Eunhyuk-hyung. He would continue to love him for as long as he existed.
“And nothing else?” Eunhyuk prodded, tilting his head to try and look Hyunsu in the eye. Hyunsu kept his head down.
“I…” Hyunsu sucked in a deep breath, lifting his head ever so slightly just so he could be heard. Eunhyuk awaited his resumption. “I was going to confess to you. On the day you died. Or the day before, I forgot already. I was so heartbroken…”
A sniffle could be heard amidst the silence that ruled the small bus. Even outside, there were no noises to fill the void. It was just them and their everlasting memories. The memories that Eunhyuk couldn’t remember and Hyunsu could only narrate.
“So you loved me,” Eunhyuk stated. It was more like him trying to speak to himself, attempting to tell himself that this was the person he had forgotten.
“I loved you.” Hyunsu nodded, his voice extremely quiet. So much so that Eunhyuk barely even heard him when he spoke again; “And I still do.”
Eunhyuk thought back to what Hyunsu had said. About how the old him would pat his head and run his fingers through his hair, and how they would hug each other lots and talk just as often.
I can bring that back. Maybe not for me, but for Hyunsu.
He lifted his hand steadily and placed it on Hyunsu’s head. Eunhyuk then began touching Hyunsu’s hair, still soft despite the utter chaos that racked his body day and night over and over again. Seemed like the monsterization did something good for his body.
Hyunsu’s body instantly loosened up at the familiar and oh-so-dearly missed feeling. He curled up to Eunhyuk’s body, seeking more familiarity within the man who he hadn’t seen for a year.
A few minutes passed by. They sat in the vicinity of each other, not bothering to speak or so much as utter a sound of disagreement or protest. Eunhyuk was beginning to understand why Hyunsu wept like that—he was starting to see what he missed.
Eunhyuk too felt that the feeling of having someone simply there was beautiful. Scarce, too, especially in the world they were living in.
“...Hyung?” Hyunsu spoke up after a while, the feeling of Eunhyuk’s hand caressing his scalp comforting him in ways that he never thought he’d feel again. “Do you hate me?” he meekly asked.
Eunhyuk’s silence shook Hyunsu’s core. He wasn’t sure if it was a yes or a no and that scared him.
“No.” the older responded firmly. “I can’t feel anything.”
Hyunsu let out a sigh of relief. Even if Eunhyuk didn’t know how he felt about Hyunsu, it was better than hating him. At least Eunhyuk was there, in the flesh, carding his fingers through Hyunsu’s heap of hair.
“That’s a relief.” Hyunsu sleepily murmured. The lack of sleep was catching up to him when he least wanted it to.
“You sound tired,” Eunhyuk stated. Hyunsu hated so badly how every sentence that left Eunhyuk’s mouth sounded more like a statement than an observation or a question. There was not even an inkling of his old personality anymore.
“I missed you.” Hyunsu breathed in and out a couple of times, letting the reality of it all sink in. As soon as the sun rose from where it was then setting, the peace would be obstructed. Eunhyuk might as well forget about him in the face of danger.
“I missed you too. I’m sure I did.” Eunhyuk steadied his breathing to match Hyunsu’s slow inhales. He was calming down after the rush of emotions and Eunhyuk was only as glad as his neohuman mind would let him be.
“You know what else I missed?” Hyunsu voiced randomly, intriguing Eunhyuk who thought he was on the cusp of unconsciousness by then. “Getting my beauty sleep.” he resumed, completely serious.
Eunhyuk couldn’t help but let out a chuckle at the words. Even in times like these, after he’d just gotten the real him back and found out that his first love wasn’t who he remembered anymore, he still managed to crack a joke.
What scared Eunhyuk out of his thoughts, though, was a loud, dramatic gasp from Hyunsu. The latter sat up in his lap, leading to Eunhyuk’s hand slipping down from his hair to the side of his neck. He looked at Hyunsu with a questioning gaze, wondering why he’d just interrupted his own “ beauty sleep. ”
“You laughed!” Hyunsu pointed at Eunhyuk weakly, a smile forming on his face. “I heard it, you laughed, Hyuk!” he beamed, squeezing the older with a hug.
“I did?” Eunhyuk grimaced as he tried to do the action again, only for his attempts to be futile. “I can’t do it anymore.” he sighed.
“But you still did it!” Hyunsu disregarded the sad reality, burying his face into the older’s chest. “I missed hearing that a lot, Hyuk,” he added with a hint of sincerity, calming down again to finally settle down and sleep.
Hyuk. Eunhyuk’s brain chanted. So that’s what he calls me.
“I’ll learn.” Eunhyuk proposed suddenly. Hyunsu’s eyes snapped open at the two words. “How to love you again, I’ll learn. I’ll show you that I don’t hate you.” he elaborated.
Hyunsu exhaled all his past worries.
Eunhyuk was still the same. Emotionless, yes, but he was just as courageous and willing as he was a year back. He was willing to relearn emotional expression just for Hyunsu—Hyunsu, who he’d reunited with barely an hour ago.
“If I teach you, will you talk to Eunyu? Listen to how much she missed you too?” Hyunsu’s voice, ridden of all raspiness and instead infused with fatigue, was hopeful. It wasn’t just him who missed Eunhyuk and he was very aware of that.
“I can try.” Eunhyuk nodded. Hyunsu smiled, ignoring how the action produced a painful crack in his bottom lip.
When Eunhyuk learns how to love again, maybe he’ll kiss away all my injuries. One at a time, day by day. He will heal me.
“You should get your beauty rest, then. Things are about to get tough again.” The elder’s hands returned to Hyunsu’s scalp, doing what he thought would help ease him into the rest that he needed so badly.
Hyunsu’s mind rang with memories of Eunhyuk saying those words a year ago.
“Good. ” Eunhyuk nonchalantly nodded, glasses perched high up on his nose. He still had that fresh, trendy middle-part hair that Hyunsu loved so much. “It’s gonna be tough from now on.”
Hyunsu looked up at Eunhyuk, a mixture of admiration and confusion laced within his gaze. He was in awe of how monotonously Eunhyuk was handling the situation, yet confused by how he was going to deal with what was to come.
But it was okay. He had his hyung to protect him.
And that rang true. His hyung was here now; sure, he lacked almost half of what made Hyunsu love him so much back then, but he was there . He came back, at least. He remembered Hyunsu’s existence. That was more than he could ever ask for.
“Thank you for coming back to me, hyung.” Hyunsu hummed, shutting his eyes for good as Eunhyuk’s hands roamed through his hair.
“Always.”