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They arrived home a week after she was born.
She smelled like Suguru. Satoru wasn’t sure if that’s because she was constantly feeding off of him or if he had any help in making her. For all he knew, she was formed inside of the other man only on his whim and was birthed nine months later. Suguru could probably do something like that if he really wanted.
No, she was him. And he was her. No matter how he put it, no matter who said what, she was theirs.
Her eyes would finally open fully at home and focus, and she would look up at her fathers, she stared right into their souls.
It was intense, pressure swirling around both of their heads only until it popped and she immediately closed her eyes again. It felt like stepping out of a shower when your feet hit the cold, tile floor. Their entire beings were shocked with it down to the deepest atom bouncing around.
Satoru shouldn’t be. After all, she was his, but it was too close to looking into a mirror for him, and maybe that made him scared for the first time in a long time. He had some small fears and hiccups when they found out about the pregnancy and the difficulties that would come with it, but then, standing there looking down at this carbon and flesh copy of him, it had him a bit on edge.
He was rational, he was smart and careful. She was unknown, though. She was too small, and he had no idea of her potential. It was terrifying for a lot of reasons, he thought.
He eyed her, looking her up and down every time. Passing through to give Suguru some hot tea, a cold rag for his head, another magazine to read. He eyed her when he would be in the other room cleaning up the kitchen, when he would step out and collect their food delivery, when he closed his eyes and saw everything and her.
“She isn’t going to bite, ‘toru,” Suguru finally mumbled looking across the room at him.
Satoru’s head finally snapped back up to look at his partner splayed across the bed. He was surrounded by said magazines and empty tea cups, a remote to the television that played an old movie.
“I know,” Satoru said. “She won’t begin growing teeth for six months or so.”
Suguru chuckled, his eyes closing and his little sweet smile curling up over his lips. Satoru had such a strong urge to cup his cheeks and hold his smile there on his lips forever. Stretch them out, paint his face like that. He was beautiful.
“You look at her as if she’s going to get up and slap you,” Suguru clarified more for him and Satoru shook his head. He took the few steps over to the bed and sat himself down next to the warm body there, making sure not to sit on the TV remote.
“I look at her as if she were me,” he said lowly and then his eyes darted back to see Suguru’s face relax back into a natural expression.
“She is,” he said clearly. Satoru looked down at his lap. The grey pajama pants he had put on when they came home finally and never took off stared back up at him. There was some dark stain on them. Possibly from the night before’s dinner.
“She is also of you,” Satoru replied and Suguru smiled again. His hand raised and slid up over the firm shoulder of his partner before he let it fall down over his solid muscle, fingers following the spine down to the dip in his back.
“That doesn’t scare me as much as it scares you, my love.”
Satoru cocked his head slightly. His eyes narrowed and his back arched ever so slightly into the warm touch on his body, aching for it.
“You think too highly of yourself,” Satoru finally replied and the tip of his tongue tasted like teasing. Suguru spread his index finger and thumb along the fabric of the thin black t-shirt and hot skin underneath it and grabbed at it in a firm, short pinch. Satoru gasped and jumped up from the bed while Suguru smirked and laid back along the fluffy pillows behind him that propped him up.
“Can I have another tea?”
—
Later that night, when the birds outside had quieted down and the world seemed to pause for those few hours, Satoru could relax. Sometimes, he even got a few hours of sleep in between the chaos that constantly surrounded him.
Time stopped for almost everyone in that slot. He saw everyone asleep, safe in their beds across the city. He saw those few pesky curses slopping around as well, hiding under a park bench, slotted in between two buildings. He saw the students he had grown to miss during his paternity leave safely nestled on their campus, their rooms secured and beds warm. Save for Megumi’s cold bed. It had been empty for a few nights then, but he wasn’t ever that far down the hallway wrapped up in a comforter and a pair of lanky arms, where black mixed with pink.
He could feel the rise and fall of his partner’s chest next to him and it gave him peace. He could feel the presence of her at the end of their bed and while he was still terrified, her little heart beat and easy breaths gave him comfort. He knew she was sound asleep and he knew he had a moment to himself to just breathe.
He tucked his arm up under the back of his head in between where he rested against the pillow and finally for once, closed his eyes. Though his mind truly never stopped calculating, the state of rest was welcome. Even the strongest needed a moment of respite, and even in the peace he found himself in, chaos always followed.
She woke up, possibly she had dreamed something, or she had become sentient and realized who her father was and it caused her the aguish that made her cry out as she did. It was pitiful, only a cry a helpless child could make. Satoru thought he could make the same cry if he tried hard enough before he had sat himself up and rushed over to her side.
In a 360, the peace that had been there moments ago only filled with fear again. Just like any new parent across the country or world, they think the worst. Satoru picked her up from the basinet like she was a live wire and currently ready to blow and pulled her close. He supported her head like he always made sure to do and held her so gently. He didn’t want to break her. He couldn’t.
She let out another wail and the bed behind him shifted. “‘toru,” Suguru groaned in question from the bed and the man ducked his head slightly.
“Sorry,” he whispered back at him before he was stepping with her. His feet led them to the large double sliding doors of their bedroom. With a swift movement, his hand unlocked the door and slid it open so he could take a step out onto the small wooden patio just under the door. He quickly slid the door shut behind him and let the both of them be bathed under the moonlight.
It was warm. It was still summer. She was angry, her little fists covered with mitts to protect her face coming up and showing off, like she was ready to fight. She had fight in her.
“Shhh,” Satoru tried to shush her. His arms moved side to side as he rocked her easily, not making too jerky of movements to upset her. He could do this. He would do this.
Her cries echoed through their garden and over the fence, down the road. They made Satoru’s heart ache, the same sounds echoed throughout him making panic rise up in his throat a little bit.
“Don’t make me get your father out here,” he playfully threatened her. Really, Suguru was who she probably wanted anyways. He fed her, and rocked her to sleep after every feeding, and Satoru watched on silently each time, his head lulled in his shoulders and his eyes big enough to see the electrons and protons bouncing in their flesh. He loved every single one of them, he would think to himself watching the two of them bond so easily.
Her little cries continued to ring for a moment. He genuinely thought he was going to have to take her back inside and wake up the tired man in bed for another feeding. It had only been two hours or so since she last fed, though.
He took a calming breath for himself. He could do this. Even if he’d never felt a loving or nurturing emotion from the adults that raised him, he could be comforting. He could shush her and let her know it was going to be alright. Whatever spooked her and made her wake up a crying mess, she was safe.
His large hand came down over her little chest and he held here there, a gentle but firm hold. Her little arms laid back down and they were barely longer than the length of his hand. She was tiny, she was so small in the crook of his arm.
“Tsuki,” he said to her quietly. “It’s alright.”
Her pathetic whines slowly simmered into quiet hiccups. Her teary eyes stopped too, and Satoru raised his his fingers to brush away the few that escaped. She squirmed a few times in his arm but finally, she had settled. Satoru let out a slow sigh and nodded once to himself.
He’d done it. Comforted his child, his flesh and blood and his curse and his light. He had done something no one ever did for him.
His free hand had retreated gently from her body and came up to his own face. He took a moment, a glance. He lifted the veil over his own eyes and peeked at the life in his arms. He’d only done it a few times before. He really didn’t want to scare her with all of him, so he kept them under his mask.
Shoving it up a little more, he dropped his hand to look at her with his two bare eyes. The moonlight brushing over her face made her look otherworldly for a moment. Her own eyes were closed again, clearly relaxed from her crying session just moments ago. She was so small, she was already so big though, taking up his mind and sight and all of him. All of his heart.
He looked up at the sky overhanging them. He felt the swell of everything, all the terror he felt bubble up and and boil over. And it popped.
Instead of feeling overwhelmed though, strung out, he could hear the night around them continue on and the moon washed over them standing together. She was him.