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The first time she woke up she could still feel the table leg inside of her, she asked the nurse to take it out, she swore the doctors had taken care of it but Emily could feel it.
She tells the nurse she can’t handle the pain and the next thing she knows it’s another day.
She can still feel it, she looks down expecting to find the piece of wood sticking out of her body but there´s nothing there.
JJ’s there by her side, she holds her hand and tells her everything is going to be ok and for a moment Emily believes it’s over, she thinks he’s gone and she’s free but as she looks deeply into JJ’s eyes, she knows it’s far from over.
JJ is not mad, she explains what will happen, Emily is not mad, she doesn’t think she gets to be upset about something that’s entirely her fault.
She finds out her funeral was two days ago. She pushes JJ into telling her who made it to the burial and service, JJ doesn’t see a point in lying to her.
Her mother was the last one to arrive and was the first one to leave, Emily is not sure how that makes her feel, she’s not sure she wants to think about it.
She doesn’t know how many days she spends at the hospital.
She can walk, that means she has to go away as soon as possible.
JJ talks on the plane, Emily is thankful, she couldn’t imagine anyone else being with her.
She says goodbye to JJ in less than five minutes. She wants to hug her one last time just in case. She knows she can’t.
She’s given a small apartment almost outside Paris, it’s enough for her, she wouldn’t have handled a big apartment, not now and maybe not ever again.
She stays inside for 3 weeks, she doesn't open her blinds, she gets groceries delivered, and the doctor assigned her case to visits once a week.
Once she’s cleared by her doctor, she leaves France.
Her original plan was Norway because what is there to do in Norway anyway, she would have more reasons to stay inside. She ends up in Venice not really knowing why, or knowing why but not wanting to dig into it.
She has bad days. When the days are unbearable, when she feels like she’s drowning and she wishes everything would be over she goes out wearing an ugly wig and fake glasses. He would recognize her, she’s sure of it, she’s counting on it. It’s warm outside, as she steps out, she can’t help but think how nice it would be to feel the warm Venice air when she dies. When he puts a bullet between her brows.
She thinks she’s made peace with dying, but as she walks, she can feel the crippling anxiety in her veins, she can see him in every man with blue eyes she encounters. She can hear his laugh in every café she walks through and she’s terrified. She thinks she wants him to find her and end this.
But she thinks about her team, her family, she thinks about JJ and Hotch and how hard it must be for them, she thinks about the rest of the team how she knows they are working to find him, JJ promised they would catch him. It wouldn’t be fair to her, it wouldn’t be fair for JJ to find out she died on a random Italian street because she was sad, tired, careless, and stupid.
So, she goes back to the apartment carefully and vigilantly.
She has to stay alive because she can only cause so much pain to her team, she has to stay alive because she has to go back and hug Spencer and Penelope, she has to go back and apologize, she has to tell Derek he’s one of her best friends and the best partner she could’ve asked for, she has to tell him she trusts him with her life, she has to go back and thank Dave for always having her back and for being there and tell them all she’s sorry for how things went down. She’s not sorry for keeping things to protect Declan, she will never be sorry for that, she’s sorry for everything else.
She has to stay alive even if she doesn’t want to. Even if the gun she keeps on her nightstand keeps calling her name at 3 A.M.
She has to stay alive because she still has people who love her, even if most of those people are mourning her. Even if not so deep she’s mourning them too just in case. Just in case she can never go back. Just in case she has to live the rest of her life hiding and running and never being able to sleep through the night ever again because of the heart-stopping fear.
She tells herself her current situation is not that different from moving around a lot as a kid, she tells herself she’s used to moving and maybe she will trick herself into believing the dread she feels every time she wakes up is not so different from what she felt as a teenager.
She keeps telling herself things trying to ease her frantic heart, she tells herself that if she keeps on telling herself all these things it will be easier. It won’t.
She has bad days but they are worth it, she has bad days but Declan is safe, he can’t get to him without her team finding him. Declan is safe, that’s all that matters.
CheetoBreath319 is keeping her from losing her mind completely, she looks forward to their online Scrabble matches every now and then, always on a different day, never more than 2 weeks in a row. They understand what the other is saying, it’s not a complex code language, to anyone else it might look like a random game, but they understand, that’s what matters.
It was probably not the wisest thing to do, some would probably call it reckless, but she prefers not to think about that, she hangs on to this slim form of communication, if she could even call it that, with everything she has. Maybe it was selfish, yet she couldn’t afford to care. It was the only highlight in her life, surely, they could understand.
She wakes up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, her apartment is pitch black, every apartment she’s in is pitch black at night, she can’t see her hands, she can’t see where her bed ends. She tries to move but she can’t. It hurts. She tries to breathe but she can’t. She can feel it.
She knows for a fact it’s not there; she knows she’s not bleeding and she’s not lying on the cold hard floor of an abandoned building.
But she can feel it, and it makes her think maybe the last 5 months have been a sick and twisted nightmare and she just woke up to the much worse and harsh reality.
She was dying, she had been impaled and she was dying. She can’t breathe, there’s no air left in the world for her lungs to have, her hands are frantically reaching towards the light switch near her bed, she knows she’s moving but she can’t see, she can only feel life leaving her body.
The lights turn on, she somehow manages to turn them on. She looks down at her abdomen and sees there’s nothing there. But why can she feel it? She names 3 things she can smell, just like her online shrink had told her; smell, see, hear. She names 3 things she can hear next because her street is so freakishly quiet, she has to really concentrate, and she feels her heartbeat slow down little by little. Only when tries to name 3 things she can see does she notice she’s been crying, and her vision is blurry.
She blinks rapidly and wipes the remaining tears with the back of her hand.
Once she’s named the 9 things, she makes her way towards her bathroom and splashes water on her face. The circles under her eyes don’t surprise her anymore, she’s gotten used to them. She looks down at her hands and inspects her almost non existing nails. She should really stop biting them.
She goes back to bed knowing she won’t be able to sleep, she closes her eyes anyways because her brain needs a break. She can still feel it, but she knows it’s not real.
Six months in she’s thinking of not going back at all, of sending JJ a letter explaining why she simply could not be back and to just forget about her and Doyle and everything and keep on living their lives. She thinks about going to Norway for real this time and staying there under a fake name and fake everything and who knows, maybe she will like it.
She can’t do that, though. She won’t do that. Not to her.
She tries to sleep more. She buys the melatonin tablets that she’s read about in some magazine and they help. For a week they help.
She gets a call on a Monday. She knows who it is before she even answers. She tells her they got him, but Declan is in danger and they can’t find him. Emily doesn’t let her finish; she demands to be transported back to the BAU as soon as possible. In less than an hour she’s in a jet. She tries to sleep, she’s going to need it.
She’s shaking, whether of anticipation, fear, anxiety, or relief she’s not sure. This is it, this is how it ends.
She knows the only way for this to end is with his death. She’s not sure she will be the one to kill him, she could, she’s not sure.
She decides she’s terrified, for Declan and for herself. She feels the familiar wave of sadness take over her, the sadness and defeat of being unable to keep Declan away from all of this, no matter how hard she had tried.
She wants to be held, she wants someone to tell her everything will be okay and it will be over.
She wants her peace back. She’s not even sure when was the last time she felt peace. She’s not sure she’s ever felt peace at all.
She’s so tired. She managed to sleep for a while. The plane is preparing to land. She’s terrified, she can’t breathe.
No.
The airplane’s hum, the pilot saying pilot stuff, a beeping sound.
She has to breathe. She has to find Declan, she can’t cry and whine about it now, she has to be on top of her game, she owes Declan her best. She breathes slowly, it’s almost time.
A car is waiting for her as soon as she’s out of the plane. It’s not a long drive.
She’s ashamed, she has to breathe, she’s angry, she has to breathe.
Her perfume, the car’s air freshener, the driver’s coffee.
Only Declan matters, she reminds herself, his life is more important than everything else going on in her head, so she pushes the thoughts, the fears, and everything that is not helping Declan into the back of her mind.
One odd-looking three, a stop sign, her hands.
She spots the building where she works- used to work at. Not important right now. She needs to find Declan. The people she loves most in the world are inside, four of them might not know she’s coming yet. She needs to find Declan alive. She steps out of the car, to agents are at her sides, escorting her toward the building.
She is going to bring Declan home, that’s all that matters.