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A queer little story about a boy named Dan.
When I was a young boy I was scared of growing up
I didn’t understand it but I was terrified of love
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At quite a young age, I couldn’t quite grasp the concept of love yet I was taught that certain kinds of love were wrong. I believed what the people were telling me. I didn’t understand the words that got shouted out at me. It was dreadful to get beaten up at the age of six all because of one word. I couldn’t do anything to fight back. Getting bullied for something I could not possibly have been. My first interaction with that word sent my life into a dark spiral. It only got worse from that point.
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Felt like I had to choose but it was outta my control.
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I got a little older wishing all my time away.
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By the time I started secondary school, I had finally understood that the word gay meant ‘a boy who fancies another boy’. I believed that being gay was wrong because of all the negativity and disgust in relation to it. Mainly due to the negativity targeted towards me: all the homophobic slurs. Words that made me hate myself. It made me believe that I was wrong. It was a nightmare, just accepting all the insults being thrown at me. The beating became more brutal and it was hard to see the positivity in life. I spent every day wishing my time away.
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Every sunny day was grey.
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“I saw no end’.
Things weren’t looking up. My friends left along with happiness which started to fade from my life. Life just got worse. The world looked grey. All the colours were washed away by
tears from nights spent crying alone in bed. I was breaking into pieces. There was no point in spending every day suffering and being swallowed in sorrow when I could just end it. I could leave my life behind. It’s not like anyone would miss me considering the situation at home and how lonely I was at school.
It wouldn’t make any difference.
“ So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.”
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It was written on my face
Felt like I had a heart of glass about to break
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It was the lowest point of my life. I didn’t go through with it and I pretended it never happened. My heart was stored in a glass box that got broken leaving me exposed. I thought the whole world would be able to see that I was a coward but I buried my emotions. I faked a smile and my laughs were empty. I felt hopeless. Until the end of secondary school, I carried on suffering silently.
However, I found a light in the dark that kept me going.
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I just want you to be happy and always be who you are
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Now I’m a man and I’m so much wiser
I walk the earth with my head held higher
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“I’m so glad I failed.”
I realised as I got older that my actions weren’t cowardly. There were reasons behind me losing hope: I felt trapped and I couldn't imagine that I would ever be able to escape these struggles. In reality, things got so much better. There was so much to hope for. As I grew up I really realised that there was hope and one day I would be accepted and unafraid to be who I am. I would have missed so many opportunities. I would never have developed to be the happier and more confident version of myself. Plus, I would never have met all these amazing people.
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I got the love that I need
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October 19 2009: We made it.
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Especially Phil. He was always the light in the darkness. Whenever I had bad days - which were quite frequent - I would watch Phil’s videos. They allowed me to forget about some of my worries and genuinely laugh.
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October 20 2009: Phil is Not on Fire
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“And for the first time since I was a tiny child I actually felt safe.”
As someone whose childhood lacked affection, I needed love.
He was there every step of my journey to help me become who I currently am. He helped me become a man.
‘We’re companions through life, like actual soulmates.”
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He said "I love you no matter what”
He wrapped his arms around me
Said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not
'Cause I love you no matter what"
He loves me no matter what
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Phil gave me all his love. He was the first one to truly accept me. He showed me that I didn’t need to be afraid to be myself cos he loves me no matter what. The depression and internalised hatred didn’t just disappear. I still have bad days but now I have someone to be there for me. Nights when I feel numb I would end up with Phil’s arms around me, keeping me grounded and comforted. It’s the reassurance that I’m in a better place and I’m not trapped anymore.
It’s scary to live your truth. It's hard to accept your own sexuality when you’re surrounded by homophobia. It’s extremely hard to be authentic when you are surrounded by hatred and negativity. However, it doesn’t matter what other people think. Not everyone’s opinions matter. It’s knowing what’s best for you and putting yourself before anyone.
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They love me no matter what
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I’ve grown up and I’m surrounded by the people who love me for who I am. There are so many supportive people in my life. I know all these people love me no matter what.
Things are still improving. It's not utopia, of course, but I’m in a better place now. Things are so much better. I’m so much happier.
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I knew the way to truly be happy was to live my whole truth so this is my truth:
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I gathered all the courage in the world
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“Basically, I’m gay.”