Work Text:
You’ve reached the voicemail of Clarke Griffin. If it’s really important, just text me. If you got my number out of a phonebook, I’m impressed and you’re weird. You can wait until the beep to leave a message. If you’re my mother, I promise I’ll call you back later. Probably.
“Hey, Clarke, it’s Bellamy Blake, Octavia’s brother… I’m calling cause she said she went out last night and hasn’t called me yet to make it home. I know this is weird because I’ve never met you, but I’m off work today so all I have to do is worry myself to death over the fact that my sister has a life and is probably still asleep after having way too much fun, so. If you know she’s okay and everything, if you could call me back…? Or if this is too weird, feel free to ignore me. Thanks.”
Hi, it’s Clarke, I’m busy and I’ll call you back later. Leave a message if you want.
“It’s Bellamy. Octavia said you were coming to ours for Thanksgiving? I was just calling to ask if you could buy some pies from somewhere on the way over, the ones I made got eaten by a very drunk, very sad sister of mine last night. It would be a huge help. See you at four.”
If you’re that guy from Wisconsin that keeps asking for Esmerelda, I swear to God I am not her and if you call again I will go to Milwaukee and kick your ass. If you’re anyone else, leave a voicemail I guess.
“Don’t be mad at that Wisconsin guy, Clarke. You should just extort him for cheese. Anyways, we should talk about how your lease is up and Octavia wants to move in with her boyfriend and stop feeling bad when she doesn’t come home for dinner. I’m not good when I don’t have anyone to feed, so. Call me back before someone I actually like needs a place to move in.”
This the phone of Clarke Griffin. Hang up if it’s the wrong number. If it’s not, cool, leave a message.
“You owe me, big time. Your mom showed up, looking all angry, and I told her that I was your unemployed boyfriend with anger issues and several tattoos. She’s royally pissed, almost as mad as you are, so you’re welcome. Let me know when we can stop the revenge plot. Also, she thinks my name is Sergio. Bye.”
It’s Clarke. If you’re not Bellamy, feel free to leave a message after the beep. If you are Bellamy, learn how to fucking text.
“I know how to text. I just think this is a much more personal form of communication. Also, I like to piss you off. Should I pick up dinner?”
Bellamy, I swear to God, I haven’t had a voicemail from anyone else in over 2 years. Even my mother knows how to use a keyboard. It’s getting embarrassing.
“You change your outgoing message often for someone who sees no point in voicemails. Octavia’s getting married and we had a bet on whether or not you’d read her text message or listen to this first. There’s twenty bucks on it, so I hope you think this is an emergency or something. If I win, we’re buying two pizzas tomorrow instead of one. There’s a lot riding on this, don’t let me down.”
I check this before I check my texts now. Everyone in the whole world, feel free to leave a message, I’ve become old and no longer know how to use technology. I hate myself. Fuck you, Bellamy.
“Yeah, love you too. Do you need a ride home after work today?”
Hi, this is Clarke Griffin! Please leave me a message after the beep, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
“It’s me. You’re driving, I know, but God- I wish you weren’t. I also wish I was drunk, then I’d have an excuse for leaving you this message, but I’m not. I’m not even cool enough to get drunk when I’m fucking pining over my roommate. I hate this. I hate that you’re taking this job you don’t want, I hate that it’s making you move, and I hate that you changed your voicemail message to be more professional. I know you, you aren’t professional. I love that you yell at me in a prerecorded message, I love that you have no idea how to cook, I fucking love you. Just you. Please don’t listen to this while you’re driving, and I’m sorry.”
Stop calling me to ask if Bellamy and I are dating already. You’re getting in the way of all the amazing sex we’re having. Sorry, Octavia.
“What’s your favorite kind of flower? No, shit, that’s lame. Don’t pay any attention to this letter, I’m buying candy. You love candy. Okay, see you soon.”
Hi, Bellamy.
“Calling to say you’re cute. And that I love you very, very much. And I totally didn’t break the lamp on the side table. That didn’t happen and please don’t be mad.”
Call you back later, Bell. I’m busy doing cool things with cool people and not being a huge nerd.
“So you’re asleep. And you look really beautiful, and you’re drooling, and I figured this was as good a time as any to tell you that I want to marry you when you wake up. I have a ring, and stuff, so this was planned. I’ve just always been braver on the phone, so. I love you. Please marry me.”
This is Clarke. If you’re anyone but Bellamy, the ring is gorgeous and I’ll talk to you later. If you are Bellamy, I hate you and stop calling.
“I also hate you. Called to say I’ll be home in ten minutes and to ask you to throw in a load of laundry. I’m out of underwear.”
This phone belongs to Clarke Griffin, who is totally in love with Bellamy Blake. It’s gotten to the point where she finds it hard to do anything but stare at him, which is sad and pathetic and- Jesus, Bellamy, give me back my phone! Seriously, it’s like you’re five years old.
“I swear, it’s like you don’t answer the phone on purpose. I know you have it with you, you texted me like five minutes ago. Do you want red peppers or orange peppers? If you don’t call back soon, I’m just gonna pick for you, so, you know. Make haste.”
This is Clarke’s phone. I am her very frazzled husband, but she made me change this message to, um, tell you she’s having a baby? Like, a baby is coming out of her and she can’t return any of your calls. She apologizes. I think.
“Our child is two months old. Please change the message and get diapers while you’re out.”
It’s Clarke. Leave me a message, I’ve given up telling you not to.
“We’re just calling to say we love you! Well, I’m saying it, the baby is kind of gurgling. I’m interpreting a little. Come home soon, we’re being very cute together and we’d hate for you to miss it.”
You know what to do.
“Love you. Like, a lot. Also, I want to get a dog. Think about it.”
Before you say it, I love you too. Now what do you want?
“This one’s my favorite. You should keep this one forever. I just called to tell you that your child drew flowers all over the walls in permanent marker. I say your child because they’re very beautiful flowers, they’re just… you know. On the walls. Can you buy some paint?”