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He and Jerry will never have children. He and Jerry will never have a wedding. He and Jerry will never have a family. He and Jerry will have nothing.
It's raining heavily outside the window. For a brief moment, the sky is illuminated by a bright flash of lightning. Dean stands at the window and looks out at the dark streets. Tall lanterns, garbage cans and large houses. A light flashes in one of the windows, and two gray silhouettes are visible. A happy and normal family, of which there are many all over America and New York itself. But it was today, on this damn night, that he believed that they also had the right to be happy. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
It's terribly boring and doesn't suit them at all. And what kind of children can there be if both parents are crazy, who belong in a psychiatric hospital. Dean's lips twitch, trying to form a semblance of a smile. He comes out of his own thoughts and feels a lump rise in his throat again. He can't go home. Not now.
Jerry must have already gotten up, realizing that he wasn't there. Dean looks at his hand, and the golden ring glitters softly in the dim moonlight. Mesmerizing. Dean slowly pulls it off his finger, subconsciously realizing that he doesn't want to do this, and throws it in the trash. It's probably invisible in the dark, he tells himself. And almost succeeds in this. He almost manages to convince himself that it's not that bad when the light turns on in the kitchen.
"Dino?"
Dean shakes his head in silence, unable to say anything.
"What happened?" Jerry's hands rested on his shoulders, squeezing them gently. "Is everything fine?"
There is a note of concern in his voice, and Dean forces himself to smile. Jerry turns his limp body to himself, gently kissing the corner of his lips. But something in Dean's pale face, in his empty gaze, in his whole appearance frightens him, making him recoil.
"Baby..." Dean doesn't have time to intercept his hand, and Jerry brings his fingers to his eyes, but in such darkness it's impossible to see anything. "What is it?"
"Jerry. It's nothing. It's..."
"Your ring..."
Dean hears Jerry exhale slowly and cringes inwardly, expecting an outburst of anger, a slap in the face, or maybe even a blow. He is afraid. He's really afraid of him.
"Dino..."
"I..." Dean sobs, and tears sting his eyes sharply, forcing him to close his eyes. A sharp pain pierces his lower abdomen, as if someone has pierced it with a blade. "Jeanne refused to give me a divorce. I couldn't. It didn't work out. I'm sorry."
Jerry doesn't say anything. He buries his face in his neck, and Dean closes his eyes, feeling tears finally begin to flow down his cheeks. Jerry slowly, as if trying not to scare him any more, wraps his arms around him, hugging him to himself. And this makes it even more painful. Makes Dean go even crazier. The moment he decided he could finally become normal. Strong arms tighten around his waist, and he barely restrains himself from letting his emotions run wild.
"You know, I won't tell anyone if you cry," Jerry says quietly.
Dean wants to say something, anything, but right now he can't even squeeze out a laugh and just trustingly nuzzles Jerry's shoulder. Jerry shudders, feeling tears on his neck, but doesn't pull him away from himself.
Only Jerry has the right to see him like this. Only Jerry can put him back together piece by piece, gluing the pieces together, and prepare him for going out. Only until he was alone with his demons again. But Jerry accepts him that way, and nothing else matters.
Jerry knows how much it hurts when you're alone. He knows and mentally promises himself that he won't let Dean wither like the beautiful flowers in the garden wither. Dean is sobbing in his arms, and Jerry's hands reach out to stroke his hair and back. He's just a kid. Stupid and naive, but Jerry understands him. He really wants this boy - yes, a boy, not a man - to feel this sincere declaration of love and finally understand that as long as Jerry is around, nothing threatens him.
"I love you," Dean says softly, almost in a whisper, and Jerry seems shocked for a second at the way those words come out of his mouth. "I love you more than anything in the world, do you know that? Because you've been by my side all this time."
Jerry looks down at the floor.
"You have a fever. I'll bring the thermometer."
"Oh, come on!" Dean suddenly raises his voice and immediately regrets it. "Sorry."
"I'm used to it, bubby," Jerry grins.
"You deserve better than a loser with a broken mind," Dean says sadly.
"We both have mental problems. But I still want this loser," Jerry says seriously, but immediately gets embarrassed. "Not in that sense. I mean, in this sense too, but..."
"Do you love me too?"
The kiss turns out to be so warm, sweet and soft that they want to move on. Waiting for a miracle.