Chapter Text
Asuka’s never hated herself more. Amazing, right? Yet another record broken by Soryu, best EVA pilot. Oh, wait. That’s not true anymore, is it? Well, fuck it. If Asuka’s gonna beat Shinji in anything, it may as well be self-loathing. Just about the only victory she can scrape by with, at this point.
Where is she again? Oh, right. Hikari’s house. Hikari’s bed, to be more painfully accurate. She thought it’d be just a great idea to get out of Misato’s shithole that she calls an apartment, but now that she’s here, curled up and facing away from the only other person who gives enough of a damn to take her in, she just feels shitty. Well, she feels shitty most of the time. Right now it’s just more than usual.
“... I’m not being a bother, am I?”
“No, you’re fine. Please don’t worry about it.”
Asuka already knew what Hikari was going to say. She just wanted to hear it out of her mouth instead of hearing it in her head. Not that she deserves to hear it at all. Not that she deserves to be accommodated. Not that she deserves the most basic degree of kindness. Well, whatever. There’s nothing to be done about it. Nothing short of taking her bag and running off into who knows where. She wouldn’t even be able to escape for real. Section 2 would know where she was the whole time, just waiting until she decided to do something stupid. Well, stupider. And it doesn’t matter. Hikari is too strict (and too kind, Asuka is loath to admit) to allow something like that to happen.
“I’m not worth it. I’m not worth anything anymore.” Asuka hears Hikari’s breath catch in her throat. She half expects her to say something, tell her that it isn’t true and you’re worth it to me, but she stays silent. “I hate it all. I hate everyone.” But not you. Never you. “... But what I hate most of all is myself.”
Hikari takes a breath.
“Asuka… I won’t tell you what to do. I… I think you did a great job, for what it’s worth. You did your best.”
Asuka doesn’t curse. She wants to, but she can’t. Hikari doesn’t deserve that. She’s the one who deserves it. Because she knows that what Hikari said was true. She did her best. Her best just wasn’t good enough.
Asuka starts crying. It’s ugly, and it’s shameful, and my god you’re disgusting. You think you’re allowed to cry? You made a promise, remember? Are you just going to piss on Mama’s grave like that? You’re sickening. She wants to stop. She needs to. She doesn’t deserve to cry. She doesn’t deserve the emotional satisfaction. She’s worthless, remember? She’s of no use to anyone anymore. If she doesn’t drop dead right now, the least she could do is pretend not to be here. Corpses don’t cry–
Asuka feels something warm. It takes her a second to register what it is. She almost doesn’t recognize it—it's something she’s never felt before. It’s a pair of arms. Hikari’s arms, wrapped around her and pulling her back until their bodies are flush against each other. Hikari’s voice is soft. It’s so soft, yet at the same time it’s deafening.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Hikari squeezes her tight. “I’m right here.”
Asuka sniffs. “I– I can’t–”
“Shhh. Just let it out. It’s okay, I’m here…”
And just like that, Asuka is sobbing. That stupid, self-destructive promise she made when she was little is, for the moment, forgotten. It only takes a minute for her pillowcase to be soaked through, the sheets below it gaining a damp spot. They stay like that for a couple more minutes, Asuka’s sobs growing quieter as Hikari quietly shushes her and strokes her hair gently.
Eventually Asuka’s sobs quiet, though her breathing is still shallow, difficult. Hikari waits a moment. She doesn’t want her to stress out too much. There’s a beat.
“Asuka, look at me.” It takes a moment, but the redhead obeys, shuffling over until her eyes are locked with Hikari’s. Hikari takes the chance, catching Asuka’s face between her hands. Her hold is firm, but not unkind. It’s enough to let Asuka know that she’s not getting out of this. “Asuka, look…” Hikari averts her gaze for a moment, before locking eyes once again, unblinking. “I– I don’t know what you’re going through. I’m not an EVA pilot. But I am your friend. I don’t care how worthless you think you are. Whatever is happening, whatever you think you have to fight all by yourself, I’ll… I’ll fight it with you.”
Asuka doesn’t have the energy to scowl. “I’m– I’m not–”
“Not worth it? Bullshit. You’re worth it. You’re worth anything.”
Asuka’s eyes widen. She’s lying. She has to be. Don’t listen to her. “You’re– That’s not–”
“It’s true. I know what you’re gonna say. You think I’m lying. You think I don’t really care. Well guess fucking what? I do care. I’ve had to watch you tear yourself apart for the past month. Don’t think you can get out of this.”
Asuka’s mouth opens in protest, but the look Hikari gives her in that moment is enough to shut her up. “Now, we’re going to go to sleep. And in the morning, I’m gonna make us breakfast, and you’re gonna tell me everything. I want to know all of the bullshit that’s been happening. All of it. Got it?” And Asuka can’t help but nod. “... Good. Now c’mon… Let’s go to sleep.”
Hikari releases Asuka’s face, replacing her arms around her body and holding her tight. Asuka, lucid again, realizes that Hikari—class representative Hikari—just offered to skip school for her sake. That has to be proof that she cares, at least a little bit. It’s enough to quiet the voice in Asuka’s head, anyway.
A few minutes pass. Well, Asuka doesn’t have a watch. Maybe it’s more than a few minutes. But eventually Asuka feels her eyes burn with exhaustion, and reluctantly, she drifts off to sleep, cradled in Hikari’s arms. She doesn’t notice it when Hikari leans forwards and places a quick kiss on her forehead. Her voice is quiet, but against the silence of the room, it’s the loudest sound in the world. “... Good night… Dumbass.”