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Penny wiped away tears as she sat in bed, staring at the stars. The skies were almost perfectly clear tonight. Every little light in the sky was twinkling perfectly. She teared up all over again as she caught sight of the constellation Gemini.
Penny began sobbing right then, feeling terribly lonely. Something about stars was so comforting and yet so frightening. They were too far away to even comprehend. She would never, ever reach them. And yet, they were always looking down at her. They were always there for her. Why was “there” so far? They would sparkle on for years and years after their death. They outlived themselves, in a way.
Ricky had shone so bright, and now he was as far as those stars. Penny could reach out to embrace him no more than she could the stars. It crushed her.
She gazed at the ring on her finger, the little star gem. She loved the stars. They made her feel so bittersweet. Stargazing hurt these days.
There was a soft knock at the door, and Penny wiped her tears. Before she could answer, the door to her bedroom opened, and two little kids stood there. She wiped her eyes again, trying to smile. “What are you two doing up?”
“We can't sleep,” Leonard said. He entered the room and shut the door behind his sister. He turned around, his face as soft and sweet as his was. “Can we cuddle?”
Penny nearly sobbed again but bit it back. She settled against the headboard and held out her arms for the kids. “Of course, baby. Come here.”
Savannah and Leonard climbed up onto the bed, helping each other. Penny smiled as Leo came to lean against her right side and Savannah curled into her left.
“Mama?” Savannah asked, tugging the limbs of her stuffed elephant on some sort of dance. “What was Daddy's favorite constellation again?”
Penny smiled, just letting a few tears fall. “He loved them all, but he said his favorite was Aires,” she said softly. “Look…” She pointed out the window to indicate it. “You can see part of it there…”
She'd set up their bed to face out the large window perfectly. It just made it easier when Ricky wanted to stargaze but couldn't get himself outside. It was especially helpful in the last couple years, when his health was declining faster. She'd sit here, curled up against him, feeling him relax or watching him sign about the stars, astronauts, and Zolar. In the last years, She'd listen to his AAC until he wanted to just hold her.
Some nights felt lonely without that.
Not nights like this.
Nights like this, she relayed all his knowledge about the stars and turned the legends of Zolar into bedtime stories. Nights like this, she held her five-and-seven-year-olds close and whispered to them about their father's fantasies. Nights like this, she felt her little hands clutch her nightgown as she reminded them about what an incredible person their father was.
“Did you and Daddy have your honeymoon on Zolar?” Leo asked. Savannah was holding her left hand, gazing at the sparkly star on her finger.
Penny chuckled. “Sadly, no. But on our wedding night, we were stargazing until about midnight,” she told them. “He made me feel like we were in zero gravity.”
“Daddy must have been super romantic,” Savannah mumbled sleepily.
Laughing quietly, Penny nodded. “Oh, he was. He was a sweetheart, a gentleman, and a wonderful author.” There were many other words that came to mind when she talked about Ricky, but few were appropriate for her young children.
Leo hummed, snuggling into her side. “He was sweet… He always told the best stories…”
“Yeah,” Savannah added. “And… And he always made boo-boos better…” She dropped Penny's hand, allowing the woman to use her hand to rub her back.
“Mhm… And he gave the best hugs,” Leo added.
“Mmh… And fun rides in his chair,” Savannah added. She rubbed her eyes. “I miss ‘im.”
Penny sniffed quietly and rested back against the headboard. “I know… I miss him too.”
“Do you… Do you think Daddy still loves us?” Leo asked.
“Yes,” Penny said with more certainty than she had of her own name. “Daddy still loves us all, so very much.”
“Yeah… Always.”
As Savannah and Leo dozed off, Penny stared back out the window. Nothing felt quite so comforting as knowing her little ones were here, in her arms, safe and sound. She sniffed as she watched the stars twinkle. They twinkled like his smile. They twinkled like his eyes when he got excited. They twinkled like his whole, flashy demeanor.
Penny let her eyes slip shut, the stars of Pisces still bright under her eyelids.
She listened as Savannah and Leo's breathing became soft and slow. She felt Leo nuzzle his face into her. She felt Savannah pull just a bit closer. She felt herself relax and start slipping unconscious.
Penny secured an arm around each of her babies and whispered, “Goodnight, Ricky. I’ll… I'll meet you on Zolar…”