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The rainy season had come and with it sunlight had vanished, except for a few scant moments Soyo always seems to miss out on. The rain beats down hard on her umbrella as she tries to make it home without getting completely soaked. Whatever train of thought she was on is interrupted by the squeaking of the automatic door of her apartment building. Rainwater has been trapped underneath its rubber lip for weeks at this point, the noise becoming more irritating every time she hears it, but hearing it at least means she's safe from the rain. A myriad of wet footprints stain the carpeted entryway—their trails running off in every direction—the sight always baffles Soyo, since she so rarely sees other people inside the building. Then again most of what she sees of its interior are the few short paces between the entrance, the elevator and her apartment door.
She flicks the lightswitch upon entering without even having to think about it, the motion having become routine over days and weeks of getting home during dreary weather. Just as practiced is the motion with which she discards her umbrella in the empty rack near the door. What greets her on the other side of the apartment is herself, or rather a blurry, desaturated reflection of her in the huge windows. Its expression is unreadable, much like her own she assumes. Stepping closer to the windows, her reflection only becomes marginally clearer, but the scenery outside emerges in recognizable shapes through the rain. The lights of the distant highrises like ships in the sea waiting to make it out of the storm to continue on their journey.
At this point MyGO!!!!! has had to suspend its activities several times due to severe weather warnings. She hadn't properly seen all her bandmates in what felt like forever, their lives only visible to her on the small glimpses she got from their group chat. Photos of Tomori and Anon in their club room, Taki checking in during work breaks, Anon being noisy, ... . Raana never posted anything. The group had gotten worried about her until Taki posted a video of her at the open mic, commenting she's there all the time, bothering her about performing again.
After getting a dry change of clothes Soyo settles in on the couch, listening to the pitter patter of the rain hitting the windows. The scent of bergamot rising from her cup as her tea steeps filling her nostrils. Her eyes focus somewhere in the middle distance as she stares out the window, right through her reflection. Rain always makes her think of the past. About how one day can change your life. About how she has had several such days, both good and bad. She'd rather not think about the latter though. None of them. But even if she pushes down the memories themself, their loneliness seeps into her mind regardless. Through unadorned walls and left-over meals. Through rain-stained windows that refuse to show more than a hazy silhouette of the people in her life.
A notification sound from the group chat pulls her out of her thoughts. It's from Anon. Of course it's from Anon…
Soyo had pivoted from not caring for to liking Anon. When? She doesn't know. Too close to the turning point of these emotions it was difficult to tell the two apart. Only time and distance had made the change obvious. The rainy season had given her plenty of both.
She misses her sing-songy cadence spouting nonsense ideas. Her unearned confidence she clearly doesn't fully believe in. Her hands, that now always seem to have bandaids on them… A change Soyo wasn't around to witness. A change Soyo herself has not yet made.
She hates how they are different. Hates how Anon didn't run away when she herself wanted to. Hates how Anon wants to be pulled closer, when Soyo doesn't want to be pulled away from. She hates how they are similar. Hates her facade, her pretending, her need for others’ approval. But most of all she hates how all this means that she herself could be forgiven too. How all these years of people-pleasing, of clinging on, could be left behind her, if she only looked towards the future. It constricts her throat just thinking about how she's always had this option. She wants to put her claws into the pink thing stuck in her chest that made it difficult to breathe, but knows that even if she ripped it out, she couldn't let go.
Soyo gets up in agitation. The darkness caused by the rain has made her tired, she tells herself and walks towards her room, hoping her emotions will stay behind on the couch. Upon entering her bedroom she notices her bass guitar leaning against the nightstand. Though not as abandoned as its acoustic counterpart behind the couch, it has remained in that spot untouched for several days now, the first specs of dust already beginning to gather on its shiny finish. Soyo picks it up to at least put it in its bag, but once it's in her hands it feels difficult to just let it go again.
For a split second a thought crosses her mind: Why not play that song. The one she originally bought the instrument for.
She puts a trembling finger over the G-string on fret 4, but doesn't manage to push it down. She still can't bring herself to do it, even with only herself as the audience, or maybe because of it. Instead she shifts her finger up to the A-string: Mayoi Uta.
She starts playing, imagining the lines of the other instruments and of course Tomori's vocals. She mouths along to the lyrics without singing them, unable to stop a faint smile forming on her lips as she moves through the song, until her throat constricts again, choking on the last lines of the song. But this time Soyo doesn't wish the feeling gone. She might still be lost, unable to truly move forward just yet, but she has people in her life that will help her towards that direction.