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1) Do not put donkeys in bathtubs.
2) "Kama Sutra competition" isn't a real way to get promotion. Stop telling this to innocent academy students.
2a) Hosting a Kama Sutra competition is itself not only against the law but also results in a prison sentence, ranging from 10 to 100 years.
2b) This applies to You, Lieutenant Matsumoto, Captain Kyoraku.
3) Haunting mortals is prohibited.
3a) 'But I'm mortal' is not an excuse, Inoue.
3b) 'But I was mortal' is also not an excuse, Lieutenant Kuchiki.
3c) NO, living among them for the past 100 years is still not an excuse, Captain Hirako
4) Stay the hell out of New York City
4a) I'm serious. We don't take responsibility for injuries, resulting from alien attacks, apocalypses, bored millionaires, gods, meta-humans, etc.
5) Stop adding drugs to Captain Kuchiki's tea. He does not need to chill out.
5a) Even if he really needs it.
6) If you were going to pretend that you're sick, don't let anyone see you shopping.
7) Killing Your Lieutenant, because they said that 'Yoruichi-sama' is not cute is illegal.
7a) MURDER IS ILLEGAL
8) Asking Lieutenant Abarai, if his tattoos are really everywhere is now forbidden.
9) Captain Kuchiki, Lieutenant Kurosaki, every Shinigami Association needs at least 3 members. Therefore You are not allowed to form the "Association of Shinigami Siscons"
9a) Lieutenant Kurosaki, You can't call your association "ASS". It does not exist.
9b) Lieutenant Kurosaki, TF you mean Kaien Shiba appeared in your dream and said, he wants to join? He's dead.
9c) TF you mean he said he's Ultimate Older Brother™ and sisconing is stronger than death???
10) Gin Ichimaru, we're happy, that You decided to spend the rest of your life, doing righteous things, but please, stop inviting my Shinigami to your Gin-land in Hueco Mundo. We really need someone to do their job.
11) Lieutenant Kurosaki, stop inviting your Hollow friends to my Soul Society.
11a) 'But they're scared of Gin' is… well, it is a good reason, but still no.
12) Captain Zaraki, if You REALLY want to fight with Grimmjow Jagerjaquez, do it on the proper training ground (preferably not anywhere near Soul Society), not on SHIN'O ACADEMY'S ROOFTOP!
13) Lieutenant Kusajishi is cute, we know, but stop giving her more sweets. The amount of trauma in the 11th division has already crossed the acceptable norm.
14) Wall is not a synonym for door.
15) Lieutenant Kurosaki, introducing Captain Kurotsuchi to the internet was just simply evil.
16) Stop trying to adopt Lieutenant Kurosaki. He can't properly do his job while being chased by you.
17) You are not allergic to paperwork, Lieutenant Matsumoto.
18) Lieutenant Kurosaki, please stop throwing Lieutenant Kuchiki like a baseball and screaming "YEET".
18a) It doesn't mean you can throw her without screaming. Just don't throw her for Soul King's sake.
18b) 'But she agreed' is not a valid excuse.
19) Dyeing hair is strictly prohibited for Lieutenant Kurosaki. You gave a heart attack to poor Captain Ukitake.
19a) No, it doesn't prove anything, Juu-chan. - S. Kyoraku
20) Addendum for rule #3: Haunting Shinigami is also prohibited.
21) Captain Kyoraku, we all know you love sake, but you can't force the entire Soul Society to celebrate "Lazy Sake Day".
21a) Do you really expect someone to believe that it was your lieutenant's idea? If it was her, she would have come up with something like "Hentai Day" instead of sake.
22) The size of your Zanpakuto has nothing to the size of your "zanpakuto".
23) Possession of any "Mickey the Mouse" merch is prohibited and punishable by a fine of 10,000 kan.
23a) This also includes bad fanarts.
23b) Rule #23 is now officially known as "Kuchiki Law"
24) Sparring and/or killing before 8am is highly not recommended if you don't want to see Captain Ukitake's disappointed face.
24a) Or if you don't want to be killed by angry Captain Unohana.
24b) Or both.
24c) Both. Both is good. - Unknown
25) Bringing stray Hollows to Soul Society is illegal.
25a) Even if they're cute.
25b) Captain Zaraki, return this Hollow to Lieutenant Kurosaki. We don't care if Lieutenant Kusajishi said she wanted a kitten.
26) Bringing ANY strays to Soul Society is ILLEGAL.
26a) Yes, even if it's Gin Ichimaru.
26b) ESPECIALLY if it's Gin Ichimaru.
26c) 'He followed me' is not an excuse.
27) OK, let us set it straight. Bringing Gin Ichimaru to Soul Society is Illegal.
27a) This also applies to you, Lieutenant Matsumoto.
28) Lieutenant Kurosaki, we understand that our society is not as advanced as mortals, but it doesn't mean, you are allowed to work with Captain Kurotsuchi to "speedrun us through centuries".
28a) Seriously, STOP IT.
28b) Lieutenant Kurosaki is officially banned from entering the 12th division.
28c) Captain Kurotsuchi is also officially banned from the 5th division.
- Captain Hirako
29) I hereby decree that making Juu-chan sad is punishable by spending the rest of your life in the Nest of Maggots. - S. Kyoraku
29a) As much as I personally agree with Captain Kyoraku, I have to withdraw this rule. But I can't guarantee your safety if you don't follow it. - Cpt. Cmdr. Yamamoto
30) Cosplaying as death from the living world is forbidden.
31) Lieutenant Kurosaki, we know that you have the power of God on your side, but who's Anime, and how to gain their favor?
31a) Also, What epithet is "Shounen Protagonist"?
32) Captain Otoribashi, consider your ability to perform ballet, using plastic cups as pointe shoes, illegal.
33) We won't open Starbucks in Soul Society.
33a) Captain Hirako, stop telling academy students, that caffeine will boost their reiatsu, so they can organize a strike for Starbucks.
33b) Joining "March for Starbucks" is forbidden. Every caught protestant will be charged a fine of 40 000 kan.
33c) After deeper consideration, Soul Society's very first Starbucks will be opened within 2 months. Are you happy?
34) 'My pet beet has died' is not an excuse for avoiding work.
35) Captain Ukitake, see rule #16. There is no evidence that he's Kaien Shiba's reincarnation.
35a) 'But their face, voice, and everything is EXACTLY the same' is not an excuse, their hair color is different.
35b) But I agree with you, it's indeed weird.
35c) It doesn't mean, that you can adopt him, Ukitake! He has his own parents!
35d) I'm not open for joint custody. - His Father.
35e) How…?
36) To everyone who used this "magical girl's flying broom": We know who you are. We know what you did.
37) Lieutenant Kurosaki, Orihime Inoue, you can't use me as an example of "World's Deadliest Dictator" in your history essay.
38) We… understand, that our cultures are totally different, Lieutenant Kurosaki, but we're not renting spoons here, in Soul Society.
39) You also can't go to restaurants, wearing "cowboy" clothing, having a plastic gun on your waist and bubblegum cigarette in your mouth, saying in a mysterious tone 'Give me all the bacon and eggs you have'.
40) The latest edition of Seireitei Communication, featuring photos of Lieutenant Kurosaki's "Deep, warm chocolate orbs" is officially placed on the banned books list.
41) Lieutenant Kuchiki, your brother is not a "Disney Princess". Stop calling him like that.
42) There's not such a thing as "Star Spangled Day". Do not wear the flag of the USA as a cape.
43) Causing explosions is legal ONLY for members of Clan Shiba.
43a) This means, not you, Lieutenant Kurosaki.
43b) You… can't change your surname and pretend to be Shiba.
43c) Brat doesn't need to pretend, heh.
- Kukaku Shiba, Head of Shiba Clan (for now)
43d) May Soul King protect us.
44) Friendly reminder that illegal cage fighting is ILLEGAL.
44a) I'm looking at you, Captain Muguruma.
45) Isshin Shiba, Kurosaki or however you call yourself now, as glad as we are to see you alive, see rule #20.
46) Captain Hitsugaya, see rule #7a.
47) Lieutenant Kurosaki, Captain Hitsugaya is NOT your younger brother. He's older than you.
47a) Even if he's dating your younger sister.
47b) LIEUTENANT KUROSAKI RULE #7A!!!!!
47c) He's still not your younger brother.
47d) Calling Captain Hitsugaya "Shiro-chan" is allowed ONLY for Hinamori.
48) Look, I'm not saying, that Elvis is the Soul King, but no one have ever seen Elvis and the Soul King in the same room together.
49) Neither Kisuke Urahara nor Captain Kurotsuchi can send you "back to the future", Lieutenant Kurosaki, Captain Hirako.
50) Stop making glowing Asauchi and selling them as lightsabers. We're not rich enough to provide therapy for all traumatized Shinigami.
51) Stalking is not cool.
52) 'General Kenobi' is not an acceptable answer to 'Hello there'.
53) Lieutenant Kira, control your evil mortal cousin. He's getting out of hand.
54) Either work or Starbucks' gone. Choose.
55) "Never Gonna Give You Up" will not become our anthem.
55a) Same applies to: "Back in Black", "Death on Two Legs", "Knockin' on Heaven's Door", "Heaven and Hell" and "Hell's Comin' with Me"
55b) Honestly, where are you finding these songs, Lieutenant Kurosaki?
55c) What's Spotify?
56) Dear Squad 0, we know you're above us, but see rule #16.
56a) Lieutenant Kurosaki, have you ever heard about stranger danger?
57) Inoue, contrary to popular belief, you are not a messiah. You cannot appoint Captain Kyoraku as a Dionysus of your cult.
57a) I can't believe I have to say this, but there is a reason why necromancy is prohibited. Orihime Inoue, please stop.
57b) Lieutenant Kurosaki, don't even dare to join her cult.
58) I have concluded my tasks and kindly request the opportunity to die.
59) Just to clarify, neither Inoue nor Lieutenant Kurosaki is the Soul King. Got it?
59a) To squad 0: la la la I'm not listening!
60) Upon the official coronation of Lieutenant Kurosaki as a co-Soul King, I hereby formally submit my resignation from the position of Captain-Commander. Due to my advanced age, I believe it is fitting to relinquish my responsibilities, which will now be carried out by Captains Kyoraku and Ukitake. I respectfully ask that no attempts be made to ascertain my whereabouts. Good Luck.